The past few months I have been having to adjust to something I never thought I would have to adjust to. And that is people's perception of me, us and the events. For so long, just about 36yrs, I have grown up with people looking at me in what ever way that my mother dictated. Whether that meant people saw me as schitzophenic, as a liar, crazy, drama starter or so on. When people have a preconceived perception of someone it causes them to treat that person a certain way. And in so doing that person ends up expecting bad judgements, expecting attacks, expecting insults even before anyone does anything. A wall is up to try and protect themselves. In some ways I felt like I deserved them because that is what I grew up being told. But as I got older I start to get on the defensive all the time.
I also would have preconceived ideas of people. I expected everyone to judge me harshly. I felt like I always had to explain everything in great detail to try and stop people from judging me. It is all I knew. Very few took the time to actually look at the facts. Not when it is so much easier to believe the lies. Always expecting people to treat me a certain way made it very hard to trust or get close to anyone. I would try and reach out to people in various ways only to get scared and pull back, expecting the harsh judgements and treatments. Only a handful of people have I let down the walls with.
Now things are changing since posting about my children being rescued, since posting what my children's rescuer witnessed, since my daughter has shared her thoughts on here as well. People are calling me Strong, an Inspiration and other words of encouragement and support. And I don't know how to feel about it or respond. Don't get me wrong, I need the support, my kids need the words of encouragement, but after defending all of us for so long it is something I am having to adjust to. Part of me wonders when I see these words if they are talking to or about someone else. I don't see what they are calling me. I just see me. That is the only way I can word it.
As I receive your private messages to us I pass them on to my daughter, and hopefully some day to my sons. I never want her to feel the need to defend herself against the lies my mother told to cover up what she did and was doing. I never want her to worry about the harsh judgements because of the preconceived judgements of people because of those lies. I want her to be able to look in the mirror and realize just how special, strong and inspirational SHE is. This is why I appreciate your messages to us so much. We may not always know how to respond to your encouraging words but we do appreciate your support through all of this.
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Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
An Entry By My Daughter: I Have Found My Miracle
My daughter asked me to post this on her behalf.
"I was raised to believe that I was worthless, that I did nothing right, that I would never have good things in life. Well, I was raised wrong.
Life can be hard, life can be great, but my life, well, my life has just turned for the best.
I have met my littlest brother, I have held him in my arms, I have made him smile within five minutes. I have been held in my mother's arms for the first time in over four years, I have laughed with my mother over the weirdest things, I have rested my head on her shoulder. I have laughed with my step dad to be, I have been held in his arms, I have listened to all that he had to say. I have found heaven in a world of hell, I have felt a mother's love once more, I have found my own miracle.
All my life I prayed for a miracle to come and show me that they cared, no matter what. A miracle to show love and guidance in a world that had none. I found mine once again after losing it. That miracle is my mother, my friend, my miracle.
Life can be hard and miserable. Whenever I hear someone complain about how their parents yell at them, I always shake my head and think, "you don't even know how easy your life is."
But as long as my miracle is there, I can always find love and guidance. I have found my light ray of hope in a world of darkness. That ray will always be my mother."
Her entry brought tears to my eyes. I hate what she has been through the past 5yrs. But no matter what I will be her rock. Our home will be her soft, safe place to fall. She was never worthless. She radiated such love, joy, strength and so many other wonderful things that my mother was jealous and had to try and destroy it. But in trying to do that my daughter proved just how much stronger she is. My daughter is defiantely an inspiration to me.
I also wanted to post some of the poems she wrote and gave to me yesterday. I asked her permission and she granted it. She is such a wonderful write. So here are some of the poems she has honored me with:
Poem one: " MOM
When I am home in bed
I can remember what you said
All those "I Love You's"
and those "I Love You Too's"
They never mattered to me
What matters is the smiles I see
I see that you are kind
both with your actions and your mind
with all the creatures.
You've got such nice features.
Your kindness shows through and through
I will always want to be like you
I love you mom."
This poem helped me to see the strength of my daughter. My mother tried to make it sound like to be like me was the worst thing my daughter could be. Instead my daughter saw through her cruelty. I am so honoured that she wants to be like me. I do hope she grows up to have some parts of me. But I can't wait to see who she becomes.
Poem two: "Family
to me family matters
I hate it when it shatters.
It makes the sky fall down,
and I feel like I'm gonna drown.
But then it rises up,
like water in a cup.
When you say "I love you,"
I have to say I love you too."
I do hate that my ex and I could not keep our family whole for our children but it was not health or meant to be. Some times two people just can't be together. No matter what though she has a family. One that she never has to worry about being abused. One where she is safe to make mistakes and try agian. One where she is loved and wanted. No matter what she had been told she now knows she has a real family.
Poem three: "A Mother
A mother should be a friend
to help the wounds mend.
You were always there
for your experiences to share.
But after I stopped wanting it,
but now here I sit
Thinking about how I ruined life
and how you were a good mother and wife.
You were there when I was down
And I wouldn't frown.
I want you to be here
and feel your love near.
All I can say
you make my day."
No matter what, to all who read this blog, know this so that some day my daughter may know this. She did not ruin anything. She was/is a child/young lady. She had to make choices that no child should have ever had to make just to survive one more day. No one can blame her for those choices. The blame belongs on one person and that is her grandmother. She is the one who ruins lives. If she had done to adults what she had done to all those children she would have been in jail for assualt and battery at the very least. It is a crime that she walks free while this beautiful young lady feels the guilt that her grandmother never feels. Reguardless of how I was raised I know what it is to love and my children are loved and always will be. My arms and home are always here for them.
Poem four: "US
I can see,
you are like the sea.
The sea is a mystery,
Your love has a history.
You and I have the same eyes,
and tears when either cries.
I am your daughter
and you are my mother."
This one made me cry. I hate that she has endured so many of the same things I did. And them some things no one had before her. I hate that we share those kinds of experiences. No child should endure those things. And I do cry for her pain, for her fear, for her lonely nights. Her tears are my tears. And she is right I am her mother and my love for her will never die.
Poem five: "Mother's Touch
When I feel lonely,
lonely and all alone;
I crave for that mothers touch,
mother's touch that sooths me.
I crave for my mother's arms;
Mother's arms that bring me close.
I crave for my mother's voice;
Mother's voice that always calms me.
When I feel happy;
happy and all joyful;
I crave for that mother's touch
that only my mother can give."
This brought to my mind images of my daughter as a baby, rocking her to sleep, as a toddler and soothing her after she would skin her knee, cuddling her after a nightmare letting her know the mosters are not real and she is safe. Sadly she did meet a real life monster and I was not there to chase it away. And for that I will always be sorry. But she is no longer that little girl. She no longer fits on my lap like she used to. But that does not change that fact that I can still hold her till she feels safe agian, hug her till she knows she is loved. I missed so much and have a lot to catch up on but I have strong shoulders and will be here for as long as she needs me.
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"I was raised to believe that I was worthless, that I did nothing right, that I would never have good things in life. Well, I was raised wrong.
Life can be hard, life can be great, but my life, well, my life has just turned for the best.
I have met my littlest brother, I have held him in my arms, I have made him smile within five minutes. I have been held in my mother's arms for the first time in over four years, I have laughed with my mother over the weirdest things, I have rested my head on her shoulder. I have laughed with my step dad to be, I have been held in his arms, I have listened to all that he had to say. I have found heaven in a world of hell, I have felt a mother's love once more, I have found my own miracle.
All my life I prayed for a miracle to come and show me that they cared, no matter what. A miracle to show love and guidance in a world that had none. I found mine once again after losing it. That miracle is my mother, my friend, my miracle.
Life can be hard and miserable. Whenever I hear someone complain about how their parents yell at them, I always shake my head and think, "you don't even know how easy your life is."
But as long as my miracle is there, I can always find love and guidance. I have found my light ray of hope in a world of darkness. That ray will always be my mother."
Her entry brought tears to my eyes. I hate what she has been through the past 5yrs. But no matter what I will be her rock. Our home will be her soft, safe place to fall. She was never worthless. She radiated such love, joy, strength and so many other wonderful things that my mother was jealous and had to try and destroy it. But in trying to do that my daughter proved just how much stronger she is. My daughter is defiantely an inspiration to me.
I also wanted to post some of the poems she wrote and gave to me yesterday. I asked her permission and she granted it. She is such a wonderful write. So here are some of the poems she has honored me with:
Poem one: " MOM
When I am home in bed
I can remember what you said
All those "I Love You's"
and those "I Love You Too's"
They never mattered to me
What matters is the smiles I see
I see that you are kind
both with your actions and your mind
with all the creatures.
You've got such nice features.
Your kindness shows through and through
I will always want to be like you
I love you mom."
This poem helped me to see the strength of my daughter. My mother tried to make it sound like to be like me was the worst thing my daughter could be. Instead my daughter saw through her cruelty. I am so honoured that she wants to be like me. I do hope she grows up to have some parts of me. But I can't wait to see who she becomes.
Poem two: "Family
to me family matters
I hate it when it shatters.
It makes the sky fall down,
and I feel like I'm gonna drown.
But then it rises up,
like water in a cup.
When you say "I love you,"
I have to say I love you too."
I do hate that my ex and I could not keep our family whole for our children but it was not health or meant to be. Some times two people just can't be together. No matter what though she has a family. One that she never has to worry about being abused. One where she is safe to make mistakes and try agian. One where she is loved and wanted. No matter what she had been told she now knows she has a real family.
Poem three: "A Mother
A mother should be a friend
to help the wounds mend.
You were always there
for your experiences to share.
But after I stopped wanting it,
but now here I sit
Thinking about how I ruined life
and how you were a good mother and wife.
You were there when I was down
And I wouldn't frown.
I want you to be here
and feel your love near.
All I can say
you make my day."
No matter what, to all who read this blog, know this so that some day my daughter may know this. She did not ruin anything. She was/is a child/young lady. She had to make choices that no child should have ever had to make just to survive one more day. No one can blame her for those choices. The blame belongs on one person and that is her grandmother. She is the one who ruins lives. If she had done to adults what she had done to all those children she would have been in jail for assualt and battery at the very least. It is a crime that she walks free while this beautiful young lady feels the guilt that her grandmother never feels. Reguardless of how I was raised I know what it is to love and my children are loved and always will be. My arms and home are always here for them.
Poem four: "US
I can see,
you are like the sea.
The sea is a mystery,
Your love has a history.
You and I have the same eyes,
and tears when either cries.
I am your daughter
and you are my mother."
This one made me cry. I hate that she has endured so many of the same things I did. And them some things no one had before her. I hate that we share those kinds of experiences. No child should endure those things. And I do cry for her pain, for her fear, for her lonely nights. Her tears are my tears. And she is right I am her mother and my love for her will never die.
Poem five: "Mother's Touch
When I feel lonely,
lonely and all alone;
I crave for that mothers touch,
mother's touch that sooths me.
I crave for my mother's arms;
Mother's arms that bring me close.
I crave for my mother's voice;
Mother's voice that always calms me.
When I feel happy;
happy and all joyful;
I crave for that mother's touch
that only my mother can give."
This brought to my mind images of my daughter as a baby, rocking her to sleep, as a toddler and soothing her after she would skin her knee, cuddling her after a nightmare letting her know the mosters are not real and she is safe. Sadly she did meet a real life monster and I was not there to chase it away. And for that I will always be sorry. But she is no longer that little girl. She no longer fits on my lap like she used to. But that does not change that fact that I can still hold her till she feels safe agian, hug her till she knows she is loved. I missed so much and have a lot to catch up on but I have strong shoulders and will be here for as long as she needs me.
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Miracle Reunion
Some of you may be wondering why I have not updated in a while. Especially since my daughter and I have started Skyping. The first reason was my new son had his cleft lip surgery and we were concentrating solely on helping him heal and so on. It has been about 4 weeks now since his surgery and he looks great. His surgery really is an artist and we are so pleased with the beautiful job he did. Our son is all healed up now and doing great.
The biggest reason though was because of a surprise. My daughter made it clear to her workers that she had no intention of being adopted ever. In her words "I already have a mother!". Once the workers were finally convinced that she was not going to change her mind she requested a visit with us. It has been over 4yrs. Way too long for us to have been kept from each other when there was no reason to be. Wellllll the visit was yesterday and it was everything we could have wished for and more.
We will start at the beginning. The visit was organized to be a the social services office in a city two hours away. So since my children's rescuer lives in a town that was on the way, and she had not seen our baby since before his surgery, we planned to leave early and stop to visit with her first. She was so excited for us and so happy to see our son. She even made us a wonderful lunch of pork roast(it was so juicy and yummy) and potato salad and noodle salad. It was very good. And when we left she sent us with drinks and sandwiches. lol I may have a womb donor who doesn't treat me like a daughter and hates me and my children but this wonderful lady always treats us like family. You can't help but feel the love and acceptance from the moment you enter her home. We took some photos and she sent hugs, through us, on to my daughter stating that she was excitedly awaiting pictures of our reunion.
By this point, on the drive the rest of the way, I was shaking with excitement. I was worried that we would feel like two strangers meeting since it had been so long and not like a mother and a daughter. We got there about 10 minutes early, put our baby in his stroller along with all the gifts and so on and away we went. We rode the elevator up and just outside the doors to the office was a bathroom. So I went in quickly to freshen up. When I came out I heard my partner saying "I knew it was you". I came around the corner and there she was. Her back was to me and she was knelling in front of her brother talking to him. Her foster mom was there but my eyes were focused on my daughter. I snuck up behind her and just as she went to turn I tapped her on the shoulder. She instantly shouted "MOM" and then she was in my arms in such a strong hug. We didn't let go for a few minutes. My daughter whispered to her foster mom "It had been too long" meaning too long since we last saw each other. We all spoke at the same time then and then laughed. Her foster mom stated she figured they had booked a private room upstairs and she was right.
We got to meet her social worker and she seemed nice. She brought us upstairs into a large room with comfortable chairs. At this point we all asked her to take pictures of us as family with my daughter making it very clear that my partner was to be a part of the family shots too. Which really made him feel a part of my daughters life too. My daughters foster mom went and waited somewhere else which we so appreciated. We all cuddled up close on the couch for the pictures with lots of smiles and laughs.
After the pictures it was a race to see who could give who gifts first. My daughter won wanting to give us the gifts she had made and got for all of us. For her brother she gave him a beautiful teddy bear(almost the same size as he is. lol) with a cute jean jacket. He LOVED it so much that when he slept the entire way home he had it locked in his grip. She also gave him a little stuff that was an Easter bunny and a little bead sign that she had made with his name on it. We are going to use it to make something for his door. For my partner she painted up a ceramic horse. She did a beautiful job on it too. She got me a gorgeous pendant that can be used as a pin or as a necklace. She also made another bead sign that had M and D on it standing for "mother and daughter". I loved it all but there was one gift that stood out above them all. Even now I am tearing up just remembering it. She handed me a photo album. She had started a memory book for me. In it was pictures of herself and her two brothers. Pictures I have never seen before. Added to that, and just as special is she had drawn two beautiful pictures. One of a cat and one of my partner and I that she copied off a photo I had given them 4yrs ago. And last but definitely in no way least, in the memory book was a letter to me and some beautiful poems. In the letter she tells me that she views my step dads(who I see as my dad) as her grandfather and my partner as a father. When I read this to my partner on the way home both he and I cried. There is so much more.
Now it was my daughters turn. She seems like me. Embarrassed to except gifts. They were a long time coming. The most important gift I gave her was something I had bought for her several years ago when I was a single mom, with the intention of giving it to her on her 13th b-day. We are a year late but not too late. It is a beautiful limited addition ceramic heart. There is a poem from a mother to a daughter written from the front to inside it. She loved it though it was fun to watch her try to open it. My partner had taped it closed very well. lol Then she got her Easter basket. She enjoyed that as well munching on the chocolate throughout the visit.
At this point I gave the worker my sons' Easter presents. They were rolling small suitcases that looked like airplanes. Made of a very soft material that was attached to the rolling harness and handle by Velcro so could be easily washed. Inside was the same things my daughter had gotten in her basket. A dog stuffy with bunny ears(each dog was a different breed for each child), a large chocolate egg from their rescuer, a toy and some other chocolate and candy's. But most important was a family photo that my partner and I had done with our baby. On the back was a personalized letter to each child letting them know how much they are loved and missed and that we hope to see them soon. The worker assured me that she would get them to the family my sons had been placed with.
Then my daughter, who is a wonderful writer already, shared some of her short stories that she was working on. She is really good about character development, details, bringing the reader into the story and so on. Very interesting. While this was going on her worker stepped out for a while which was find with us. She wasn't really involved in the visit. Just there to see how the interaction went.
I was enthralled with her stories and when she finished reading them too us was slightly disappointed that they were done. I can't wait to read more. We then chatted as we made some leather bracelets that I had brought to make sure we had something fun to do. Periodically each of us would hold and play with her little brother. She had him smiling a lot. We got some good pictures but my favorite was when she gave her brother his big stuffed bear. She was holding him so it is just a picture of the two of them and they both look wonderful. You can see in the photo just how much she loves her baby brother. Close to the end we discussed visits with the worker. We had stated we could do a visit a week with no problem. We just had to plan it around my partners work schedule. Which was not seen as an issue since every other weekend he has off and one day every week in the middle of the week he has off. They had considered another visit in a month, which no one liked. So the compromise was in 3 weeks we would have another 2 hour visit. Not soon enough for me but much better then a month or no visits. Her worker did seem impressed with how the visit went though. So that is a plus.
Of course the visit was over WAY too soon. An hour was just in no way enough. We had brought some of my banana bread loaves with us to give to my daughter and her foster family but had forgotten them in the truck. So the worker walked us over to the entrance where my daughters foster mom was parked. We chatted while she asked her foster mom to meet us around back where the truck was. So we all, minus the worker, walked to the truck while my daughters foster mom drove over to the truck. Chatting the entire time. We got the bread and then sat on a bench and chatted for a while. My daughter cuddled right up to me with my arms around her since it was chilly out.
No one wanted it to end but we all knew it had to. I wanted to hug her and bring her home and never let her go. But I knew we had to do this through the right steps. No one may like those steps at times but hopefully the end result will be worth it. Seeing her has given me the strength to continue to not give up in trying to make my family whole and to repair the damage that was done by so many lies.
No matter what we told my daughter that her grandmother had not won. Today's visit proved that. She had tried to permanently seperate us all but it had not worked. Our love for each other was too strong. A love that time and distance had not broken. Some day this family will be whole again and my mother will be a distant memory that will not even be worth the time to bring up. And in all of that she is the one who lost something. Not any of us. She lost the love of such a special, beautiful granddaughter. She lost a strong and determined daughter, she lost 3 wonderful grandsons. And not one of us will miss her but we will all have each other.
This visit really showed me that my family is full of love and strength. I can't wait for the day when my daughter and I no longer have to say goodbye till the next time.
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The biggest reason though was because of a surprise. My daughter made it clear to her workers that she had no intention of being adopted ever. In her words "I already have a mother!". Once the workers were finally convinced that she was not going to change her mind she requested a visit with us. It has been over 4yrs. Way too long for us to have been kept from each other when there was no reason to be. Wellllll the visit was yesterday and it was everything we could have wished for and more.
We will start at the beginning. The visit was organized to be a the social services office in a city two hours away. So since my children's rescuer lives in a town that was on the way, and she had not seen our baby since before his surgery, we planned to leave early and stop to visit with her first. She was so excited for us and so happy to see our son. She even made us a wonderful lunch of pork roast(it was so juicy and yummy) and potato salad and noodle salad. It was very good. And when we left she sent us with drinks and sandwiches. lol I may have a womb donor who doesn't treat me like a daughter and hates me and my children but this wonderful lady always treats us like family. You can't help but feel the love and acceptance from the moment you enter her home. We took some photos and she sent hugs, through us, on to my daughter stating that she was excitedly awaiting pictures of our reunion.
By this point, on the drive the rest of the way, I was shaking with excitement. I was worried that we would feel like two strangers meeting since it had been so long and not like a mother and a daughter. We got there about 10 minutes early, put our baby in his stroller along with all the gifts and so on and away we went. We rode the elevator up and just outside the doors to the office was a bathroom. So I went in quickly to freshen up. When I came out I heard my partner saying "I knew it was you". I came around the corner and there she was. Her back was to me and she was knelling in front of her brother talking to him. Her foster mom was there but my eyes were focused on my daughter. I snuck up behind her and just as she went to turn I tapped her on the shoulder. She instantly shouted "MOM" and then she was in my arms in such a strong hug. We didn't let go for a few minutes. My daughter whispered to her foster mom "It had been too long" meaning too long since we last saw each other. We all spoke at the same time then and then laughed. Her foster mom stated she figured they had booked a private room upstairs and she was right.
We got to meet her social worker and she seemed nice. She brought us upstairs into a large room with comfortable chairs. At this point we all asked her to take pictures of us as family with my daughter making it very clear that my partner was to be a part of the family shots too. Which really made him feel a part of my daughters life too. My daughters foster mom went and waited somewhere else which we so appreciated. We all cuddled up close on the couch for the pictures with lots of smiles and laughs.
After the pictures it was a race to see who could give who gifts first. My daughter won wanting to give us the gifts she had made and got for all of us. For her brother she gave him a beautiful teddy bear(almost the same size as he is. lol) with a cute jean jacket. He LOVED it so much that when he slept the entire way home he had it locked in his grip. She also gave him a little stuff that was an Easter bunny and a little bead sign that she had made with his name on it. We are going to use it to make something for his door. For my partner she painted up a ceramic horse. She did a beautiful job on it too. She got me a gorgeous pendant that can be used as a pin or as a necklace. She also made another bead sign that had M and D on it standing for "mother and daughter". I loved it all but there was one gift that stood out above them all. Even now I am tearing up just remembering it. She handed me a photo album. She had started a memory book for me. In it was pictures of herself and her two brothers. Pictures I have never seen before. Added to that, and just as special is she had drawn two beautiful pictures. One of a cat and one of my partner and I that she copied off a photo I had given them 4yrs ago. And last but definitely in no way least, in the memory book was a letter to me and some beautiful poems. In the letter she tells me that she views my step dads(who I see as my dad) as her grandfather and my partner as a father. When I read this to my partner on the way home both he and I cried. There is so much more.
Now it was my daughters turn. She seems like me. Embarrassed to except gifts. They were a long time coming. The most important gift I gave her was something I had bought for her several years ago when I was a single mom, with the intention of giving it to her on her 13th b-day. We are a year late but not too late. It is a beautiful limited addition ceramic heart. There is a poem from a mother to a daughter written from the front to inside it. She loved it though it was fun to watch her try to open it. My partner had taped it closed very well. lol Then she got her Easter basket. She enjoyed that as well munching on the chocolate throughout the visit.
At this point I gave the worker my sons' Easter presents. They were rolling small suitcases that looked like airplanes. Made of a very soft material that was attached to the rolling harness and handle by Velcro so could be easily washed. Inside was the same things my daughter had gotten in her basket. A dog stuffy with bunny ears(each dog was a different breed for each child), a large chocolate egg from their rescuer, a toy and some other chocolate and candy's. But most important was a family photo that my partner and I had done with our baby. On the back was a personalized letter to each child letting them know how much they are loved and missed and that we hope to see them soon. The worker assured me that she would get them to the family my sons had been placed with.
Then my daughter, who is a wonderful writer already, shared some of her short stories that she was working on. She is really good about character development, details, bringing the reader into the story and so on. Very interesting. While this was going on her worker stepped out for a while which was find with us. She wasn't really involved in the visit. Just there to see how the interaction went.
I was enthralled with her stories and when she finished reading them too us was slightly disappointed that they were done. I can't wait to read more. We then chatted as we made some leather bracelets that I had brought to make sure we had something fun to do. Periodically each of us would hold and play with her little brother. She had him smiling a lot. We got some good pictures but my favorite was when she gave her brother his big stuffed bear. She was holding him so it is just a picture of the two of them and they both look wonderful. You can see in the photo just how much she loves her baby brother. Close to the end we discussed visits with the worker. We had stated we could do a visit a week with no problem. We just had to plan it around my partners work schedule. Which was not seen as an issue since every other weekend he has off and one day every week in the middle of the week he has off. They had considered another visit in a month, which no one liked. So the compromise was in 3 weeks we would have another 2 hour visit. Not soon enough for me but much better then a month or no visits. Her worker did seem impressed with how the visit went though. So that is a plus.
Of course the visit was over WAY too soon. An hour was just in no way enough. We had brought some of my banana bread loaves with us to give to my daughter and her foster family but had forgotten them in the truck. So the worker walked us over to the entrance where my daughters foster mom was parked. We chatted while she asked her foster mom to meet us around back where the truck was. So we all, minus the worker, walked to the truck while my daughters foster mom drove over to the truck. Chatting the entire time. We got the bread and then sat on a bench and chatted for a while. My daughter cuddled right up to me with my arms around her since it was chilly out.
No one wanted it to end but we all knew it had to. I wanted to hug her and bring her home and never let her go. But I knew we had to do this through the right steps. No one may like those steps at times but hopefully the end result will be worth it. Seeing her has given me the strength to continue to not give up in trying to make my family whole and to repair the damage that was done by so many lies.
No matter what we told my daughter that her grandmother had not won. Today's visit proved that. She had tried to permanently seperate us all but it had not worked. Our love for each other was too strong. A love that time and distance had not broken. Some day this family will be whole again and my mother will be a distant memory that will not even be worth the time to bring up. And in all of that she is the one who lost something. Not any of us. She lost the love of such a special, beautiful granddaughter. She lost a strong and determined daughter, she lost 3 wonderful grandsons. And not one of us will miss her but we will all have each other.
This visit really showed me that my family is full of love and strength. I can't wait for the day when my daughter and I no longer have to say goodbye till the next time.
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Friday, February 8, 2013
Angels Can Be The Ones You Least Expect
I have sat on the story of my children's rescuer for a long time and now that my daughter has posted a small portion of her own story I think it is about time that the wonderful lady, who became my childrens saviour, has her story known. Just as I did with my childrens entries I will be using her own messages to me to show what was going on and her feelings/emotions at the time. Please understand that yes this lady has mental illnesses, BUT that does not mean someone is crazy or lieing or not in reality. It just means that she handles things and feels things differently. That is all. It does not make her any less of a person or any less of a saviour to my children. Also this will be a long entry since her messages are being used.
First a little back history. When I was a young child and my mother was still residing with the wonderful man who I came to view as my dad, is when I first met this womam and her two children. She had an older daughter and a younger son. She became really good friends with my mother. At some point she moved with her kids to another province. I don't know or remember the details. All I know is that when my mother left my dad when I was ten, it was this lady's home we went to stay with. We stayed with them for a short time and then my mother got her own place. After a couple of years my mother and she stopped hanging out. I did not know why but later learned it was because my mother was playing her mind games on this lady's daughter. In the end causing the young lady to try and commit suicide. When the daughter explained to this woman what my mother had been saying to her to cause her to hate herself so much she cut contact with my mother. Smartest move she ever made. She did not hear from my mother agian till the summer my mother had my children. The lady thought that given the length of time it had been, and since they had been such good friends prior for so long, that maybe she had changed. My mother had to show the department that she had some long time friends(to prove stability or such I think) so she contacted this lady. Telling her elaborate lies about me being schitzophrenic and severly abusive to my children. The rest you can read below as to how she ended up living with my mother.
This long so will be done in parts so as when people come back when it is updated they can find the part they left off at.
PART 1
After she contacted me for the first time letting me know in a short message that my children were in foster care I have to admit that part of me was fearful that it was more mind games created by my mother. I was pregnant with my son and being very careful of not letting my mother get wind of the pregnancy so she could not create more lies causing us to risk losing him as well. So I did tell her that I was wanting to know more but was very skeptical. This is what she sent.
"Hi....I do not blame you for bing cautious and skepticle.....I was at the police station today because of your mom......it is a VERY long story so bare with me........you know better than anyone how manipulative your mom can be and I was the one who copied pasted some of your FB posts to your mom because she had me convinced you were mentally ill and abusive to your kids and I am SOTTY I fell for it.....then I moved to (town my mother is in) and moved in with her and her husband....OMG the abuse your kids were taking especially your daughter, whose e-mail address I have and will give you if you would like it....anyway I was CONSTANTLY running to intervene and protect the kids....I cried every night and asked G-d to help me to help them...."
She goes on to describe some of the abuse she witnessed. This can be read on my daughters own posting or on the one I wrote about what my daughter was going through and enduring. She continues after the event of finding my daughter wrapped with a urine soaked shirt in the bathroom:
"and I went down to social services and turned her in....they came two weeks later with 4 cops and removed the kids.........Her husband beat the shit out of me for turning them in...I was given emergency housing in a senior's complex BUT they moved your mom in with me....we are in a two bedroom apartment......I did NOT want her here it was the ONLY way I could get in here....your "mom" is being evicted....I sleep every night with my bedroom door barracaded because she is fucking psycho, pardon my language..... housing had me go down to the police station to file a complait...I have been sleeping in the apartmnet of another tenant the past 3 nights....I am back in my apartment tonight BUT I will be barracading the door again....like my friend told the cops today she, meaning your mom will frigging stab me in my sleep.....ANYWAY.....your sons were placed in (town name removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (town name removed) I think?? I don't know, when I give you her e-mail address you can ask her....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (town name removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldet son was beating his brother until his brother would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mother doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were..... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't, I can hardly stand to look at her and to have to share an apartment with her since this past December has been nothing but HELL!!!!! I PROMISE you when that bitch gets out of here I will NEVER let her near my life again, she is dead to me!!!! I still dream about the kids and feel guilty that I didn't do more for them but your daughter calls me their angel and she said I protected them more than I know...I remeber when she burned your daughters eyes I screamed at her, (Name removed), and said "you are EVERYTHING your daughter said you are".....your mom has a friend in (town name removed, where the step kids were abused), and she told me only some of the things your mom did to her step children and I wanted to throw up....andy way, I told you this would be a long story and I haven't even scratched the surface but I am sure you know that only too well.....here is your daughters e-mail and you can confirm with her that I am NOT lying to you nor am I trying to deceive you, I truly DO believe you and I am TRULY sorry and as I said I do not balme you in the least for being cautious....Your mom should be locked up, in jail or psych ward or both, I just don't know why social sercies didn't charge them"
Obviously when I recieved this I was confused and emotional. I had several questions. Some being why had she not moved away from my mother if she was so scared, how did she end up living with my mother at the seniors complex and one question I worded wrong. I wanted to know why my mother and her husband were not charged for abusing my children or for assualting this lady but I worded it this way " Has either my mother or her husband been charged with anything agianst the children at all or you?" She thought I was wondering why she was not charged as an accessory or something. I totally got why she was confused and you can see that in her reply. We got that cleared up through right away.
"Hi, I don't mind your questions and they are valid.....I came to (town removed) because as you know I had been living with my son and his wife....they have 4 children, his wife was working and my son was in school....I was taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning and I loved being with them all....I had a heart attack when I was back in (city on the east coast) and had to leave my job...I am unable to work. so my son and his wife asked me to come and be with them so I did.....that fall I had another heart episode and his wife had to call 911....I was unable to continue to do what I was doing....so your mom and her husband told me to come and stay with them until I recouperated....I had NO idea what I was walking into.....as for now, my son and his wife are about to have their fifth child and I CAN'T do that agin, my doctor would not allow me to do that or I will end up 6 feet under.....I am close enough that I can hop and bus and go see my grandbabies and then come home.....as for my daughter, her husband HATES cigarettes and when I go for just a few days EVERY time I go outside for a cigarette he sprays me with frabreeze before I can go back in the house....my daughter had said I could go there but I would have to quit smoking...NOT going to happen and most importantly I do not want to live with my children, I like my independance, after I got to (town name removed) and entered that chaos I ended up in (city name removed) in the cardiac ICU......why did it take me so long to contact you? You should already know the answer to that one.....do you really think I could try to make contact while I had/have your frigging mother around??? NOPE.....the only reason I did it now was because as I told you I went to the police yesterday ....it was for filing and swearing to false police charges against her husband....I blew the whistle on her for that yesterday too........as for why I was not charged regarding your children...WHY would I be??? I was PROTECTING your children, I stepped in EVERY SINGLE TIME to protect them.....I wasn't there all the time, in fact when I wasn't there....when I would come back I spent MOST of my time in the basement, in the office and if you had lived there you would know that you can't hear anything when you are in the office, I wouldn't even hear the door bell...it would only be when I was coming out of the office to go outside for a smoke or go to the bathroom that I could hear ANYTHING....so it was only 2 mths that I knew ANYTHING was going on with the kids....do you really think your psychotic mother would do anything in front of me???? she KNOWS very well I would NOT allow that to go on...... i was NOT supposed to be living with your mom and her husband, I was there just until I could get an apartment in this senior's complex, I had applied for one as soon as I got to (town named removed), in fact I applied for one in (city name removed) as well but this one came available first...my FIST choice would have been (city name removed)...I accepted this one because I couldn't get out of that house fast enough!!!! Then when I got the apartment your mom falsely accused her husband of assaulting her too so she could move in here with me....I frigging couldn't get RED of her...my therapost almost had a fit when she found out psycho bitch was moving in too....when her husband had assaulted me he was arrested, he was removed from the home and he has a restraining order against him....so your mom would have been left in the house with no husband equalling NO money, NO ONE to support her ass.....so I KNOW she did it on purpose to get in here with me...she will NOT admit that but I KNOW it is a fact and my therapist said the same thing......I was in a BAD depression, that house and your mom and her husband were a hell hole.....I too have PTSD, I have a panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and I have Bi-polar 2....so do you think it was a healthy place for me????? My therapist was doing all she could to get me OUT of that house as soon as possible....so ALL I COULD do was try to step in when I could, when I would hear anything and every time I did I put your children before myself which is as it should be but I risked a knife in my back EVERY SINGLE TIME and you know better than anyone KNOW she is more than capable of doing that...... when her madness towards the kids began escalating or maybe it was that she was being less "careful" with me living there I went IMMEDIATELY to social services and put an END to it...as they, SS said to me if it were NOT for me what would have happened to those children??? I DON'T even want to THINK about it.....so why in hell would they charge me???? They thanked me profusely.......and yes, in the spring, just before the children were taken I tried to do it so MY life would not be in jepardy...I made an anonimous phone call to the school, I told them to check your daughter that she was being made to wear diapers....they did and there was a meeting called at the school, there was the principal, the vice principle, SS worker, the guidance counselor, a pyschologist from the school board, your mom, her husband and myself.... I sat there and listened to what was going on....NO ONE removed the kids at that time...so do you really think I felt/believed I had any power to do anything???????? they DID ride your mom's ass over the diapers, she and her husband WERE told that "your way of doing things has to change" and that was it!!!!!....WHAT the hell would you have done in my place????? I did EVERYTHING I knew how to do....that is why I prayed every single night and asked G-d to help me help the kids...I asked G-d to let SOMEONE listne to me......sooooooooooooo when your mom burned your daughters eyes and I flipped I went to the departnment manager at SS and she DID do something, but even then it took them TWO WEEKS to come and take the kids...if it were me I would have been there THAT day to take them........I was FORCED by your mom and her husband to write a letter to the court telling the judge how "wonderful" they were to and for the children...I wrote my letter VERY carefully Praying that the judge would know from the language I used that I was being FORCED to write that.... if what YOU have said is true about what your mom did to you THEN YOU know the danger/jepardy I was in and that I had NO choice but to write ehat they wanted me to... I was DEPRESSED, I was having PANIC ATTACKS....I was hooked up to machines to monitor my heart and bllod pressure while I slept and during the day because I was having "dzzy spells" all the time and it was ALL due to the stress and fear I was living under....where was I going to go??????????????? Social Services called the women's shelter for me so I could go there until I could get a place....I COULDN'T do that because of my social anxiety problems...I bawled and bawled and bawled because I could NOT MAKE MYSELF GO THERE...you should understand that because you said you have PTSD and agoraphobia......O felt TRAPPED and it is irrelevant if I WAS trapped or not THAT was my state of mind at the time and I FELT trapped....I have come a long way in the past year....I am still "healing" and will continue to heal for many many years if not forever....my therapist wrote a letter to (town name removed) housing a few weeks ago almost pleading with them to make me a priority for a one bedroom unit...they told housing how hard I have been working for my "recovery" but they said to Housing that they (mental health team) fear that for me to have to continue to share a place with your mother will cause my mental well being to begin to deteriorate AGAIN because your mother is on another of her psycho trips and I just CAN'T deal with her and her chaos and drama ANYMORE...I am not using caps by the way as "shouting" I use caps when I want to emphasize something, just thought of that and thought you will think I am yelling at you and I am not ...... I am walking on EGG SHELLS ALL the time...I take a deep breath EVERY SINGLE MORNING before I step out of my bedroom because until my feet hit the kitchen floor I do NOT know what kind of day I am going to have...is your mother going to be reasonably sane that day or is she going to be psycho self....it has been an AWFUL way for me to live and it has been STRESSFUL and I spen MOST of my time in my bedroom, outside smoking or at a friends downstairs...and THAT is NO way for me to have to live....as for you, I have spoken of you MANY times to my friends....I have talked about the children to them as well"
As you can see she was in such a state of stress having to reside with my mother. And not that I blame her at the least. I knew exactly how she felt. As for her PTSD and such that is from previous abuse as a child and being around my mother and her abuse only triggered those memories and feelings making things so much worse. I could tell reading this that there was so much that had/was going on that she was trying to get clear to me and some was getting jumbled together. Later I asked her to write a time line. I will add that here. It helped to answer so many questions. At this time I would only agree to messaging. My mother was known for going to elaborate extremes to play her mind games and abuse that I knew I had to be very careful. She seem to totally understand this thank goodness.
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First a little back history. When I was a young child and my mother was still residing with the wonderful man who I came to view as my dad, is when I first met this womam and her two children. She had an older daughter and a younger son. She became really good friends with my mother. At some point she moved with her kids to another province. I don't know or remember the details. All I know is that when my mother left my dad when I was ten, it was this lady's home we went to stay with. We stayed with them for a short time and then my mother got her own place. After a couple of years my mother and she stopped hanging out. I did not know why but later learned it was because my mother was playing her mind games on this lady's daughter. In the end causing the young lady to try and commit suicide. When the daughter explained to this woman what my mother had been saying to her to cause her to hate herself so much she cut contact with my mother. Smartest move she ever made. She did not hear from my mother agian till the summer my mother had my children. The lady thought that given the length of time it had been, and since they had been such good friends prior for so long, that maybe she had changed. My mother had to show the department that she had some long time friends(to prove stability or such I think) so she contacted this lady. Telling her elaborate lies about me being schitzophrenic and severly abusive to my children. The rest you can read below as to how she ended up living with my mother.
This long so will be done in parts so as when people come back when it is updated they can find the part they left off at.
PART 1
After she contacted me for the first time letting me know in a short message that my children were in foster care I have to admit that part of me was fearful that it was more mind games created by my mother. I was pregnant with my son and being very careful of not letting my mother get wind of the pregnancy so she could not create more lies causing us to risk losing him as well. So I did tell her that I was wanting to know more but was very skeptical. This is what she sent.
"Hi....I do not blame you for bing cautious and skepticle.....I was at the police station today because of your mom......it is a VERY long story so bare with me........you know better than anyone how manipulative your mom can be and I was the one who copied pasted some of your FB posts to your mom because she had me convinced you were mentally ill and abusive to your kids and I am SOTTY I fell for it.....then I moved to (town my mother is in) and moved in with her and her husband....OMG the abuse your kids were taking especially your daughter, whose e-mail address I have and will give you if you would like it....anyway I was CONSTANTLY running to intervene and protect the kids....I cried every night and asked G-d to help me to help them...."
She goes on to describe some of the abuse she witnessed. This can be read on my daughters own posting or on the one I wrote about what my daughter was going through and enduring. She continues after the event of finding my daughter wrapped with a urine soaked shirt in the bathroom:
"and I went down to social services and turned her in....they came two weeks later with 4 cops and removed the kids.........Her husband beat the shit out of me for turning them in...I was given emergency housing in a senior's complex BUT they moved your mom in with me....we are in a two bedroom apartment......I did NOT want her here it was the ONLY way I could get in here....your "mom" is being evicted....I sleep every night with my bedroom door barracaded because she is fucking psycho, pardon my language..... housing had me go down to the police station to file a complait...I have been sleeping in the apartmnet of another tenant the past 3 nights....I am back in my apartment tonight BUT I will be barracading the door again....like my friend told the cops today she, meaning your mom will frigging stab me in my sleep.....ANYWAY.....your sons were placed in (town name removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (town name removed) I think?? I don't know, when I give you her e-mail address you can ask her....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (town name removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldet son was beating his brother until his brother would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mother doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were..... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't, I can hardly stand to look at her and to have to share an apartment with her since this past December has been nothing but HELL!!!!! I PROMISE you when that bitch gets out of here I will NEVER let her near my life again, she is dead to me!!!! I still dream about the kids and feel guilty that I didn't do more for them but your daughter calls me their angel and she said I protected them more than I know...I remeber when she burned your daughters eyes I screamed at her, (Name removed), and said "you are EVERYTHING your daughter said you are".....your mom has a friend in (town name removed, where the step kids were abused), and she told me only some of the things your mom did to her step children and I wanted to throw up....andy way, I told you this would be a long story and I haven't even scratched the surface but I am sure you know that only too well.....here is your daughters e-mail and you can confirm with her that I am NOT lying to you nor am I trying to deceive you, I truly DO believe you and I am TRULY sorry and as I said I do not balme you in the least for being cautious....Your mom should be locked up, in jail or psych ward or both, I just don't know why social sercies didn't charge them"
Obviously when I recieved this I was confused and emotional. I had several questions. Some being why had she not moved away from my mother if she was so scared, how did she end up living with my mother at the seniors complex and one question I worded wrong. I wanted to know why my mother and her husband were not charged for abusing my children or for assualting this lady but I worded it this way " Has either my mother or her husband been charged with anything agianst the children at all or you?" She thought I was wondering why she was not charged as an accessory or something. I totally got why she was confused and you can see that in her reply. We got that cleared up through right away.
"Hi, I don't mind your questions and they are valid.....I came to (town removed) because as you know I had been living with my son and his wife....they have 4 children, his wife was working and my son was in school....I was taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning and I loved being with them all....I had a heart attack when I was back in (city on the east coast) and had to leave my job...I am unable to work. so my son and his wife asked me to come and be with them so I did.....that fall I had another heart episode and his wife had to call 911....I was unable to continue to do what I was doing....so your mom and her husband told me to come and stay with them until I recouperated....I had NO idea what I was walking into.....as for now, my son and his wife are about to have their fifth child and I CAN'T do that agin, my doctor would not allow me to do that or I will end up 6 feet under.....I am close enough that I can hop and bus and go see my grandbabies and then come home.....as for my daughter, her husband HATES cigarettes and when I go for just a few days EVERY time I go outside for a cigarette he sprays me with frabreeze before I can go back in the house....my daughter had said I could go there but I would have to quit smoking...NOT going to happen and most importantly I do not want to live with my children, I like my independance, after I got to (town name removed) and entered that chaos I ended up in (city name removed) in the cardiac ICU......why did it take me so long to contact you? You should already know the answer to that one.....do you really think I could try to make contact while I had/have your frigging mother around??? NOPE.....the only reason I did it now was because as I told you I went to the police yesterday ....it was for filing and swearing to false police charges against her husband....I blew the whistle on her for that yesterday too........as for why I was not charged regarding your children...WHY would I be??? I was PROTECTING your children, I stepped in EVERY SINGLE TIME to protect them.....I wasn't there all the time, in fact when I wasn't there....when I would come back I spent MOST of my time in the basement, in the office and if you had lived there you would know that you can't hear anything when you are in the office, I wouldn't even hear the door bell...it would only be when I was coming out of the office to go outside for a smoke or go to the bathroom that I could hear ANYTHING....so it was only 2 mths that I knew ANYTHING was going on with the kids....do you really think your psychotic mother would do anything in front of me???? she KNOWS very well I would NOT allow that to go on...... i was NOT supposed to be living with your mom and her husband, I was there just until I could get an apartment in this senior's complex, I had applied for one as soon as I got to (town named removed), in fact I applied for one in (city name removed) as well but this one came available first...my FIST choice would have been (city name removed)...I accepted this one because I couldn't get out of that house fast enough!!!! Then when I got the apartment your mom falsely accused her husband of assaulting her too so she could move in here with me....I frigging couldn't get RED of her...my therapost almost had a fit when she found out psycho bitch was moving in too....when her husband had assaulted me he was arrested, he was removed from the home and he has a restraining order against him....so your mom would have been left in the house with no husband equalling NO money, NO ONE to support her ass.....so I KNOW she did it on purpose to get in here with me...she will NOT admit that but I KNOW it is a fact and my therapist said the same thing......I was in a BAD depression, that house and your mom and her husband were a hell hole.....I too have PTSD, I have a panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and I have Bi-polar 2....so do you think it was a healthy place for me????? My therapist was doing all she could to get me OUT of that house as soon as possible....so ALL I COULD do was try to step in when I could, when I would hear anything and every time I did I put your children before myself which is as it should be but I risked a knife in my back EVERY SINGLE TIME and you know better than anyone KNOW she is more than capable of doing that...... when her madness towards the kids began escalating or maybe it was that she was being less "careful" with me living there I went IMMEDIATELY to social services and put an END to it...as they, SS said to me if it were NOT for me what would have happened to those children??? I DON'T even want to THINK about it.....so why in hell would they charge me???? They thanked me profusely.......and yes, in the spring, just before the children were taken I tried to do it so MY life would not be in jepardy...I made an anonimous phone call to the school, I told them to check your daughter that she was being made to wear diapers....they did and there was a meeting called at the school, there was the principal, the vice principle, SS worker, the guidance counselor, a pyschologist from the school board, your mom, her husband and myself.... I sat there and listened to what was going on....NO ONE removed the kids at that time...so do you really think I felt/believed I had any power to do anything???????? they DID ride your mom's ass over the diapers, she and her husband WERE told that "your way of doing things has to change" and that was it!!!!!....WHAT the hell would you have done in my place????? I did EVERYTHING I knew how to do....that is why I prayed every single night and asked G-d to help me help the kids...I asked G-d to let SOMEONE listne to me......sooooooooooooo when your mom burned your daughters eyes and I flipped I went to the departnment manager at SS and she DID do something, but even then it took them TWO WEEKS to come and take the kids...if it were me I would have been there THAT day to take them........I was FORCED by your mom and her husband to write a letter to the court telling the judge how "wonderful" they were to and for the children...I wrote my letter VERY carefully Praying that the judge would know from the language I used that I was being FORCED to write that.... if what YOU have said is true about what your mom did to you THEN YOU know the danger/jepardy I was in and that I had NO choice but to write ehat they wanted me to... I was DEPRESSED, I was having PANIC ATTACKS....I was hooked up to machines to monitor my heart and bllod pressure while I slept and during the day because I was having "dzzy spells" all the time and it was ALL due to the stress and fear I was living under....where was I going to go??????????????? Social Services called the women's shelter for me so I could go there until I could get a place....I COULDN'T do that because of my social anxiety problems...I bawled and bawled and bawled because I could NOT MAKE MYSELF GO THERE...you should understand that because you said you have PTSD and agoraphobia......O felt TRAPPED and it is irrelevant if I WAS trapped or not THAT was my state of mind at the time and I FELT trapped....I have come a long way in the past year....I am still "healing" and will continue to heal for many many years if not forever....my therapist wrote a letter to (town name removed) housing a few weeks ago almost pleading with them to make me a priority for a one bedroom unit...they told housing how hard I have been working for my "recovery" but they said to Housing that they (mental health team) fear that for me to have to continue to share a place with your mother will cause my mental well being to begin to deteriorate AGAIN because your mother is on another of her psycho trips and I just CAN'T deal with her and her chaos and drama ANYMORE...I am not using caps by the way as "shouting" I use caps when I want to emphasize something, just thought of that and thought you will think I am yelling at you and I am not ...... I am walking on EGG SHELLS ALL the time...I take a deep breath EVERY SINGLE MORNING before I step out of my bedroom because until my feet hit the kitchen floor I do NOT know what kind of day I am going to have...is your mother going to be reasonably sane that day or is she going to be psycho self....it has been an AWFUL way for me to live and it has been STRESSFUL and I spen MOST of my time in my bedroom, outside smoking or at a friends downstairs...and THAT is NO way for me to have to live....as for you, I have spoken of you MANY times to my friends....I have talked about the children to them as well"
As you can see she was in such a state of stress having to reside with my mother. And not that I blame her at the least. I knew exactly how she felt. As for her PTSD and such that is from previous abuse as a child and being around my mother and her abuse only triggered those memories and feelings making things so much worse. I could tell reading this that there was so much that had/was going on that she was trying to get clear to me and some was getting jumbled together. Later I asked her to write a time line. I will add that here. It helped to answer so many questions. At this time I would only agree to messaging. My mother was known for going to elaborate extremes to play her mind games and abuse that I knew I had to be very careful. She seem to totally understand this thank goodness.
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Sunday, February 3, 2013
By My Daughters Request Her Own Post in Her Own Words
THis entry is my daughters own posting. She specifically asked me to post it here for her. She wants her story known. She wants to show the same that I and the step kids have tried to show. Just how sick and abusive my mother is and the suffering she causes. All that has been changed is the names. It is not an easy read.
Her words:
The last year that I lived with my grandma was torture itself. She had become increasingly violent. My life was so hard and was a nightmare. More and more often was I thinking about suicide, more often than that, I would be in the kitchen alone and doing the dishes and would be holding a large knife against my chest, posed above my heart. The only thing that would stop me would be the thought of my brothers and that I knew that they needed me.
My grandmaothers punishments were increasingly horrible. I had a large black and blue bruise on my collar bone from her thrusting her nail into my collar bone as I would be cowarding and cornered by her fury. My ears were pierced clean through by her nails. Scabs covered them as well as other numerous parts on my body. Whenever I would come home she would grab me by the ears with her nails. She would drag me down stairs with hot blood running from my ears. She then would force me to my knees by pulling me down by the ears. She then would make something up that she said I did. I later found out that everything she blamed me for she actually did herself.
One of her other punishments was I had to wear diapers because I had been pissing in my room on old shirts. Yes, I admit it, I had been but before anyone thinks that I am a sick child let me explain. I had an alarm over my "doorway" because I had been stealing food because I was being forced to miss meals. The alarm was in such a position that if I moved slightly in the middle of my bed it would go off. It meant that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom for most of the day and all night. I tried to empty myself at school but I still would need to go during the day. One time I realized that my alarm wasn't on for school so I tried to go and turn it on without the alarm going off. I didn't succeed with that in the least, the alarm went off. My grandmother marched down and grabbed me by the roots of my hair, pulling it out by the clumps. She then slammed my head into the concrete wall beside me. She screamed at me then went back up stairs. I ended up with a huge bump on my head.
Sometimes I would have to wash the frying pan and dry it and the towels greased up. My grandmother made me wash the stains out in the tub. But every five minutes the towels weren't done she would go and search my room and came back with the piss covered shirt I had used the night before. She would wrap the shirt around my head so I had to inhale the fumes when I needed to breath. My lungs were already damaged enough by the suige back up from moms house, so this was very harmful to my health.
Once she slapped me upside the head then denied it. I had no good meals, she would either make me miss a weeks worth of dinners at a time or I had to eat the parts that made me gag. I had to wear diapers to school and do lines until 1:30am on a school night. She would constantly contradict me in front of me and other people. One time when she was dragging me by the ear I told her to stop and that she was going to pierce my ear straight through. You know what she said to me then? "GOOD! Ha, maybe it will teach you to stop being a nightmare child! A devil child! That's what you are, a devil child!"
She would speak horrible about my mom then say to everyone, even the guests, "I hope non of you follow in my granddaughter's footsteps and become like my daughter." She would then turn to me and tell me that she felt no feelings toward me, I looked and acted so much like my mom, I might as well as be called by my mothers name. Whenever she called me my moms name I would ignore her, it resulted in both pain and pride, as long as I even slightly didn't let what she would do affect me I was showing her that I was stronger in my will to show her that she couldn't completely control me nor how I felt.
I still had some sense in me even though I was brainwashed but even now, almost two years later I am still healing. I now will share a secret to everyone that I have only now healing from, one day my grandmother and I were yelling at each other and she said that she could kill me, she then switched that to "I want to kill you!" It shocked me. That night I cried myself to sleep.
She went as far as to lie to an officer. She had phoned the cops stating that I had just tried to kill my youngest brother. I had actually just saved him from running and tripping on the stairs and breaking his neck. The cop arrived and I told him what had happened and he said that my brother could have died had I not done what I did. I then saw fury and almost fear in my grandmothers eyes. She then stopped the officer and said that I had just lied through my teeth and that I had tried to choke my brother. She said that I was great at manipulating people to do what I wanted them to do. The cop believed her and I got a police record.
My life ended when I had arrived at my grandmothers and it got worse. I am not embarrassed to share my experiences with other people but I feel pride to being able to survive. If my brothers weren't born I would be dead right now by suicide from depression. With these words I end my tale. I love you Mom.
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Her words:
The last year that I lived with my grandma was torture itself. She had become increasingly violent. My life was so hard and was a nightmare. More and more often was I thinking about suicide, more often than that, I would be in the kitchen alone and doing the dishes and would be holding a large knife against my chest, posed above my heart. The only thing that would stop me would be the thought of my brothers and that I knew that they needed me.
My grandmaothers punishments were increasingly horrible. I had a large black and blue bruise on my collar bone from her thrusting her nail into my collar bone as I would be cowarding and cornered by her fury. My ears were pierced clean through by her nails. Scabs covered them as well as other numerous parts on my body. Whenever I would come home she would grab me by the ears with her nails. She would drag me down stairs with hot blood running from my ears. She then would force me to my knees by pulling me down by the ears. She then would make something up that she said I did. I later found out that everything she blamed me for she actually did herself.
One of her other punishments was I had to wear diapers because I had been pissing in my room on old shirts. Yes, I admit it, I had been but before anyone thinks that I am a sick child let me explain. I had an alarm over my "doorway" because I had been stealing food because I was being forced to miss meals. The alarm was in such a position that if I moved slightly in the middle of my bed it would go off. It meant that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom for most of the day and all night. I tried to empty myself at school but I still would need to go during the day. One time I realized that my alarm wasn't on for school so I tried to go and turn it on without the alarm going off. I didn't succeed with that in the least, the alarm went off. My grandmother marched down and grabbed me by the roots of my hair, pulling it out by the clumps. She then slammed my head into the concrete wall beside me. She screamed at me then went back up stairs. I ended up with a huge bump on my head.
Sometimes I would have to wash the frying pan and dry it and the towels greased up. My grandmother made me wash the stains out in the tub. But every five minutes the towels weren't done she would go and search my room and came back with the piss covered shirt I had used the night before. She would wrap the shirt around my head so I had to inhale the fumes when I needed to breath. My lungs were already damaged enough by the suige back up from moms house, so this was very harmful to my health.
Once she slapped me upside the head then denied it. I had no good meals, she would either make me miss a weeks worth of dinners at a time or I had to eat the parts that made me gag. I had to wear diapers to school and do lines until 1:30am on a school night. She would constantly contradict me in front of me and other people. One time when she was dragging me by the ear I told her to stop and that she was going to pierce my ear straight through. You know what she said to me then? "GOOD! Ha, maybe it will teach you to stop being a nightmare child! A devil child! That's what you are, a devil child!"
She would speak horrible about my mom then say to everyone, even the guests, "I hope non of you follow in my granddaughter's footsteps and become like my daughter." She would then turn to me and tell me that she felt no feelings toward me, I looked and acted so much like my mom, I might as well as be called by my mothers name. Whenever she called me my moms name I would ignore her, it resulted in both pain and pride, as long as I even slightly didn't let what she would do affect me I was showing her that I was stronger in my will to show her that she couldn't completely control me nor how I felt.
I still had some sense in me even though I was brainwashed but even now, almost two years later I am still healing. I now will share a secret to everyone that I have only now healing from, one day my grandmother and I were yelling at each other and she said that she could kill me, she then switched that to "I want to kill you!" It shocked me. That night I cried myself to sleep.
She went as far as to lie to an officer. She had phoned the cops stating that I had just tried to kill my youngest brother. I had actually just saved him from running and tripping on the stairs and breaking his neck. The cop arrived and I told him what had happened and he said that my brother could have died had I not done what I did. I then saw fury and almost fear in my grandmothers eyes. She then stopped the officer and said that I had just lied through my teeth and that I had tried to choke my brother. She said that I was great at manipulating people to do what I wanted them to do. The cop believed her and I got a police record.
My life ended when I had arrived at my grandmothers and it got worse. I am not embarrassed to share my experiences with other people but I feel pride to being able to survive. If my brothers weren't born I would be dead right now by suicide from depression. With these words I end my tale. I love you Mom.
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Saturday, January 26, 2013
Rising From the Ashes
There have been a lot of great developments the past few weeks. One of the best ones is now my daughter and I get to enjoy talking on the phone once a week on Wednesdays. It was so amazing the first time I heard her voice. I had just been informed earlier in the day from the children's worker that once a week calls would be allowed. I did not have my daughters number so I had to wait for her to call me. That night just after my son fell asleep on my shoulder the phone range. My fiance was
at work but luckily I keep it beside me. I looked at the number and didn't
recognize it. And when I said hello I didn't recognize the voice either. The
speaker asked me if I knew who it was. I said no. And then my heart stopped. She
said it was my daughter. I am not kidding. It was such an amazing call. I was so excited that at first I could not figure out what to say or ask. There was just so much going through my head. But then I asked her about her interests. One of which is her writing. My
daughter shared with me this fantasy book about dragons and such that she is
writing. It actually has very in depth characters and story line. She said when
she is finished she will let me read it. She was so excited to tell me about it.
Then in the middle of that her baby brother woke up and started cooing into the phone. She
begged to talk to her brother so I put the phone up to his ear. We do this
when my fiance calls on breaks so he is already used to it. He smiled at this voice
talking to him. She loved hearing him coo. It was a wonderful phone call. We have since talked again and it was just as wonderful.
We also now chat every day again on Facebook. Either while we are both on or leaving messages for each other. She has shared with us many pictures of herself and some videos as well. She is turning into such a beautiful young lady. One who has a lot of integrity. She feels a lot of guilt about playing a part in my mothers lies. She has apologized several times for lieing, for lieing to lawyers, to the psychologists, to department workers. Every time she apologizes we work hard to let her know we do not blame her. That we love her, that we know she was brainwashed to do the things she did and say the things she said. She was a child who was just trying to survive horrific abuse. She feels like she helped in causing me to lose the trial which in turn split up our family and now has caused the boys to be placed for adoption. We want her to feel like she can talk to us about anything, that she is entitled to her feelings and has a right to feel them. But no one should ever make her feel like this is in any way her fault. The blame has to be firmly placed on those responsible.
My mother for her sever abuse, lies and vindictiveness
My ex for the same
The department for not investigating properly, placing children with a known abuser, and when the truth came out for not returning my children to my loving arms.
And me for not keeping all of this from happening in the first place.
My daughter was just trying to survive. If that meant lieing to keep herself safe from abuse for one more day, I do not blame her. The great thing though is that she loves her therapist. One that she had had while she lived with my mother and that my mother had fired when she started to catch on to what my mother was really doing. I have come to learn my mother fired many people when they would not listen to what she wanted done to my children. So she has someone she trusts helping her to get through this. She, and her brothers, were also taken off the meds they were on and re-evaluated. My daughter does take different meds now. One I think to help her sleep. I am not sure of the other yet. Still learning details. But none of them make her feel like her brain is full of mud any more. Thank goodness. We are hoping that visits will be soon to follow. We are hoping that she will get to meet her brother prior to him going for surgery in March. But that might be too soon to wish for. What I hear when I talk to my daughter is that she is an incredibly courageous person. She is not hiding what she has been through. She is aware now that she is one of 7 children/people my mother has severely abused and brainwashed. That we all understand, that we are all here and we all love her. I also see her as someone who has a lot of integrity. She didn't hide what she sees as she did wrong. She has admitted it and continues to apologize. We will continue to assure her that we love her and she is not blamed for anything though. She also really wants her brothers to have contact with me and their new baby brother. She wants to be able to tell them about me and their brother. Right now that is not allowed.
Speaking of my sons, even though the department knows beyond a doubt that my children were kept from me based on lies they are still refusing to return them. They have matched them with a family. They have now been placed with that family. I have spoken to several lawyers about this. Hoping that there is a way to stop this. The trial, I would think, should be able to be over turned since it is now proven as a fraud. With my evidence, the rescuers testimony, my dads testimony, my daughters confession and so on all of it I would think would be enough to bring them home. But from what I am being told the answer is no. Since we could not appeal in the one month time frame after the verdict, it does not matter what we have to show. The verdict can not be overturned and if the department refuses to stop the adoption there is nothing I can do. I have tried appealing to the public through this blog but other then that I don't know what to do.
All I know is after all the suffering of so many this woman, my so called mother, should be behind bars. Behind bars for the physical and psychological abuse of 7 children. Behind bars for making false claims and accusations to the department. Behind bars for committing perjury on the stand in a court of law. But she is not. She is free to walk around and destroy more people, while our family remains torn apart. I weep for my sons and my daughter and the fact we are not together. I seriously wonder if there will ever be justice for any of us.
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We also now chat every day again on Facebook. Either while we are both on or leaving messages for each other. She has shared with us many pictures of herself and some videos as well. She is turning into such a beautiful young lady. One who has a lot of integrity. She feels a lot of guilt about playing a part in my mothers lies. She has apologized several times for lieing, for lieing to lawyers, to the psychologists, to department workers. Every time she apologizes we work hard to let her know we do not blame her. That we love her, that we know she was brainwashed to do the things she did and say the things she said. She was a child who was just trying to survive horrific abuse. She feels like she helped in causing me to lose the trial which in turn split up our family and now has caused the boys to be placed for adoption. We want her to feel like she can talk to us about anything, that she is entitled to her feelings and has a right to feel them. But no one should ever make her feel like this is in any way her fault. The blame has to be firmly placed on those responsible.
My mother for her sever abuse, lies and vindictiveness
My ex for the same
The department for not investigating properly, placing children with a known abuser, and when the truth came out for not returning my children to my loving arms.
And me for not keeping all of this from happening in the first place.
My daughter was just trying to survive. If that meant lieing to keep herself safe from abuse for one more day, I do not blame her. The great thing though is that she loves her therapist. One that she had had while she lived with my mother and that my mother had fired when she started to catch on to what my mother was really doing. I have come to learn my mother fired many people when they would not listen to what she wanted done to my children. So she has someone she trusts helping her to get through this. She, and her brothers, were also taken off the meds they were on and re-evaluated. My daughter does take different meds now. One I think to help her sleep. I am not sure of the other yet. Still learning details. But none of them make her feel like her brain is full of mud any more. Thank goodness. We are hoping that visits will be soon to follow. We are hoping that she will get to meet her brother prior to him going for surgery in March. But that might be too soon to wish for. What I hear when I talk to my daughter is that she is an incredibly courageous person. She is not hiding what she has been through. She is aware now that she is one of 7 children/people my mother has severely abused and brainwashed. That we all understand, that we are all here and we all love her. I also see her as someone who has a lot of integrity. She didn't hide what she sees as she did wrong. She has admitted it and continues to apologize. We will continue to assure her that we love her and she is not blamed for anything though. She also really wants her brothers to have contact with me and their new baby brother. She wants to be able to tell them about me and their brother. Right now that is not allowed.
Speaking of my sons, even though the department knows beyond a doubt that my children were kept from me based on lies they are still refusing to return them. They have matched them with a family. They have now been placed with that family. I have spoken to several lawyers about this. Hoping that there is a way to stop this. The trial, I would think, should be able to be over turned since it is now proven as a fraud. With my evidence, the rescuers testimony, my dads testimony, my daughters confession and so on all of it I would think would be enough to bring them home. But from what I am being told the answer is no. Since we could not appeal in the one month time frame after the verdict, it does not matter what we have to show. The verdict can not be overturned and if the department refuses to stop the adoption there is nothing I can do. I have tried appealing to the public through this blog but other then that I don't know what to do.
All I know is after all the suffering of so many this woman, my so called mother, should be behind bars. Behind bars for the physical and psychological abuse of 7 children. Behind bars for making false claims and accusations to the department. Behind bars for committing perjury on the stand in a court of law. But she is not. She is free to walk around and destroy more people, while our family remains torn apart. I weep for my sons and my daughter and the fact we are not together. I seriously wonder if there will ever be justice for any of us.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Continueing of Past Behaviour
It should come as no surprise that even though there are different workers handling my children's file the same behavior is going on as with past workers. I have emailed this worker twice since just before Christmas, giving ample time in between to allow for them to catch up with work and so on because of the holidays, asking for mailing contact with my sons. How many responses do you think I have received? That is right. None. I am not surprised. They have an agenda to meet. They want to get their adoption bonuses. Just because there is a bothersome birth mother wanting her children back after proof has been given showing the department totally screwed up and won their case on lies does not mean they don't deserve their bonus checks. Come on. They are only children for goodness sake.
I hope you can read the sarcasm in those statements. I know that even though they ignore my emails, and i am doing emails again so I have written proof showing my repeated requests, they continue with their plan for getting my sons adopted out as soon as possible. They know if I can find a way to stop them they will have a lot of questions to answer. Some being:
1) Why did they believe a known abuser who had had 3 children removed from them for sever abuse over someone who had never physically harmed their children in any way?
2) Why did they continue to accept this same known abusers false accusations yet out right refuse to even consider looking at the mothers proof to the contrary even though it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the known abuser was lieing?
3) Why did all the workers refuse to talk to the step children or listen to the history they wanted to provide proving that my children were being manipulated, brain washed and abused?
4) and this is a big one. Why was the clause in Alberta Family Enhancement Act not followed. Clause : "subject to clauses (e) and (g), if a child has been exposed to domestic violence within the child’s family, intervention services should be provided to the family in a manner that supports the abused family members and prevents the need to remove the child from the custody of an abused family member;" It was obvious with my ex's convictions and admittance that I suffered from sever spousal abuse. Yet was I offered any help? No. Instead the department and later the judge refused to even look at that issue. Refused to acknowledge that I was in need of help and then later sought it out myself. They then instead used it against me that I sought out that help. And instead of helping to keep me(the abused family member) with my children they used the fact I sought out help as reasons to keep my kids from me. That I was choosing therapy over my children is how they put it because I went to a women's group for survivors of domestic violence once a week and of course the only day that group was running was the only day of course the department said I could see my kids. So why in my case was this direct clause totally ignored?
5) Once it was determined that they had been lied too and they had forced children to stay in a home and suffer through extreme abuse(they have to own some fault in that since I and the step kids had tried to tell them what was happening only to be ignored), had they not contacted me and determined to try and reunite a family that should have not been torn apart in the first place?
6) And if all else is ignored why is the mother(me) allowed to raise another baby, who is thriving, yet not allowed to have her children back? That makes no sense what so ever.
There are many other questions they would have to answer too but these are the huge ones. Which is why they continue to ignore my emails and push through adopting out my sons. Permanently sealing their fate and mine till they are adults.
On a positive note though my beautiful daughter and I continue to have contact through Facebook. She is growing into such an intelligent young lady. She gave me such a beautiful gift yesterday. A picture taken at Christmas time of her with her two brothers. They have grown so much. My oldest son is much taller but otherwise looks the same. A very handsome young man he is growing into being. My middle son has changed so much. It looks like he is finally gaining weight. I am so glad he is out from under my mothers abusive hand so that she can no longer starve him. He had such a big smile on his face. I miss them all so much. I also now know where my daughter attends school. She shared a picture of herself in her school jacket. I know I can't go and see her and that is such a cruel reality. I am not going to risk the department having to move her to a different home because I showed up. She likes that school. I just hate that I and my children are continuing to suffer all because of one woman's lies and revenge. That we are continuing to be kept apart because of all of that. It is just so wrong.
I am so glad to have my son to hug. It takes some of the sting away of missing his siblings so much. My daughter so badly wants to meet him. She wishes she could tell her brothers that they have a new baby brother. They can't even mention me. I cry at what so many have done and continue to do to my family.
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I hope you can read the sarcasm in those statements. I know that even though they ignore my emails, and i am doing emails again so I have written proof showing my repeated requests, they continue with their plan for getting my sons adopted out as soon as possible. They know if I can find a way to stop them they will have a lot of questions to answer. Some being:
1) Why did they believe a known abuser who had had 3 children removed from them for sever abuse over someone who had never physically harmed their children in any way?
2) Why did they continue to accept this same known abusers false accusations yet out right refuse to even consider looking at the mothers proof to the contrary even though it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the known abuser was lieing?
3) Why did all the workers refuse to talk to the step children or listen to the history they wanted to provide proving that my children were being manipulated, brain washed and abused?
4) and this is a big one. Why was the clause in Alberta Family Enhancement Act not followed. Clause : "subject to clauses (e) and (g), if a child has been exposed to domestic violence within the child’s family, intervention services should be provided to the family in a manner that supports the abused family members and prevents the need to remove the child from the custody of an abused family member;" It was obvious with my ex's convictions and admittance that I suffered from sever spousal abuse. Yet was I offered any help? No. Instead the department and later the judge refused to even look at that issue. Refused to acknowledge that I was in need of help and then later sought it out myself. They then instead used it against me that I sought out that help. And instead of helping to keep me(the abused family member) with my children they used the fact I sought out help as reasons to keep my kids from me. That I was choosing therapy over my children is how they put it because I went to a women's group for survivors of domestic violence once a week and of course the only day that group was running was the only day of course the department said I could see my kids. So why in my case was this direct clause totally ignored?
5) Once it was determined that they had been lied too and they had forced children to stay in a home and suffer through extreme abuse(they have to own some fault in that since I and the step kids had tried to tell them what was happening only to be ignored), had they not contacted me and determined to try and reunite a family that should have not been torn apart in the first place?
6) And if all else is ignored why is the mother(me) allowed to raise another baby, who is thriving, yet not allowed to have her children back? That makes no sense what so ever.
There are many other questions they would have to answer too but these are the huge ones. Which is why they continue to ignore my emails and push through adopting out my sons. Permanently sealing their fate and mine till they are adults.
On a positive note though my beautiful daughter and I continue to have contact through Facebook. She is growing into such an intelligent young lady. She gave me such a beautiful gift yesterday. A picture taken at Christmas time of her with her two brothers. They have grown so much. My oldest son is much taller but otherwise looks the same. A very handsome young man he is growing into being. My middle son has changed so much. It looks like he is finally gaining weight. I am so glad he is out from under my mothers abusive hand so that she can no longer starve him. He had such a big smile on his face. I miss them all so much. I also now know where my daughter attends school. She shared a picture of herself in her school jacket. I know I can't go and see her and that is such a cruel reality. I am not going to risk the department having to move her to a different home because I showed up. She likes that school. I just hate that I and my children are continuing to suffer all because of one woman's lies and revenge. That we are continuing to be kept apart because of all of that. It is just so wrong.
I am so glad to have my son to hug. It takes some of the sting away of missing his siblings so much. My daughter so badly wants to meet him. She wishes she could tell her brothers that they have a new baby brother. They can't even mention me. I cry at what so many have done and continue to do to my family.
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