I have had some time to do some reflection on myself the past few months. I have so many questions for me that I can't keep track of them. Sometimes I can come up with the answers and sometimes as I reflect I end up with more questions then answers. One of the main ones I had for myself is why I never told anyone. Why did I never tell anyone about the abuse when I was a child? Why did I not tell anyone about the abuse when I was married? When I would talk to people I would always tell them about the good things. Try to sound like everything was more then OK.
Part of me thinks it was because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. My mother and husband had made it so clear that I didn't deserve anything and that all I was was a burden. So to counteract my feelings of being a burden on people was to over compensate. Anytime someone needed something, whether it be my sister, mother, step father, friends or so on, I would try to do it. It didn't matter how they treated me, if they needed or wanted something and I could find a way to provide it then I would. I also found that I rarely if ever asked for anything I needed. I still find I do this but I am trying harder to put a stop to it. If people are treating me with little or no respect then I try my best to not become a doormat. But for my friends, people who do truly care about me then I try my best to help but not at the sake of myself if I can stop myself.
Another reason I didn't tell anyone is because I didn't want to be seen as a failure. I saw myself as failing at being a good daughter and then I saw myself as failing at being a good wife. To try and overcome this constant feeling of failure I over compensated in other areas. My mother could beat me or emotionally abuse me and I would then try to find reasons to please her. This kept going on even into adulthood. I would buy her things that she would request, I would change my appearance to what she directed, I would do what ever she asked to try and show her that I was a good daughter. Never once realizing that the problem was not me. Never once realizing that no matter how hard I tried that I would never please her. I did the same with my husband. I found myself always making excuses for his bad behaviour to other people, always giving up things I needed to pay for things he stole or destroyed in anger, always getting him anything he wanted in a desire to show him that I was a good wife. I always thought with both of them that if I only tried hard enough that things would be good. I would then be good enough for them both. I always thought that the reasons that things got worse was because I was failing in my duties. This is something I am still struggling with in a big way.
Another reason was because I felt like I deserved it. And in some ways I still do. I still have a problem with believing I deserve to be loved, treated with respect, have my needs met and so on. Any time I try to put myself first I end up feeling very guilty and think of myself as being selfish. I find myself having an internal battle just to convince myself to purchase something I am in need of let alone something I might want.
Another reason was because I was terrified people would place all the blame on me. And some did. And I know in some ways that was my own fault. I had done such a good job in making excuses for them, covering up the things they did, bailing them out of situations that many were convinced that it was my fault. Which lead me into believing that if they think I am the sole person responsible then they must be right. But that is not reality. I did make some mistakes. I am no more perfect then the next person. But I was not at fault for the abuse or their bad choices. They are. I still work hard on not taking responsibility for others actions. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. I am a work in progress.
I want so badly to be accepted by people. To be seen as a good person. I want to feel free to make mistakes and know I have people there to support me. I have some good friends and they know who they are just as I know that they know who I truly am. As you can see I am finding answers but I still have a ton more questions. I am still working very hard on trying to accept me. Maybe some day I will fully be able to do that.
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