It is getting harder and harder to keep up this false exterior that everything is ok. That I am doing just fine. Everyday it is getting harder and harder to get through the day. Every day it is getting more difficult to do my normal routine. I am getting less and less done. Caring less and less about everything. Trying to keep up this front that I am just fine since getting the verdict is starting to be impossible.
I buried it all when I got the verdict. That is what I have always been taught. Do not be a burden on anyone. Do not show anyone that you need them. Do not depend on anyone. I am suppose to be the responsible one. I am the one that is suppose to take care of everything. Now I feel like I am failing in that and I don’t know anymore what to do.
The least little thing sets me off crying. I can’t even have a picture of my children around or else I can’t control my tears. My one purpose in life is gone. My reasons for getting up in the morning and feeling good about me is gone. My children were my life. And I failed them in the biggest way possible. I always thought good and truth won out in the end. But it really doesn’t.
I am terrified that if any of my friends know how I am breaking down this much that they will all leave me far behind. I see them rarely as is. Talk to them even less because I can not control the tears. I hide away at home just trying to get through the day. What do I have left? I feel so empty.
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