Monday, December 12, 2011

What This Season Is Truly About

After receiving that very nasty email that I last posted about I have been watching my facebook and listening to others and seeing something that saddens me.  This is the Holiday Season.  For Christians it means celebrating the birth of someone named Jesus.  For many non Christians it is the time to show our families and friends, and even strangers how much we love and care for them.  Yet I am seeing a war being waged by some that takes away from the feeling of the season no matter what you believe.

For Christians some of them are not only being pushy but down right rude and aggressive.  Telling others out right that it is Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays.  I have seen people get into all out fights trying to push this issue on others.  If you do believe in a God and do celebrate the season as Jesus b-day then do you really think that being this aggressive, insulting, rude or nasty is what he would have wanted?  Seriously?  Over a choice of a phrase?  I thought Jesus was suppose to be about love, acceptance and caring about your fellow man.  Instead some Christians seem to have a Holier then Thou attitude and think that being pushy, rude and nasty to force their point of view means they are doing what "Jesus" would want.  From what I know being raised in religion that is the opposite.  He never forced his views on anyone to my knowledge.  People have to accept him of their own choosing.  Yet that is not the attitude I am seeing.

Many non Christians see this time of year as the time to celebrate family, friends and strangers just like Christians.  Just because they do not believe in a God does not mean that they can't view the Holiday season in a similar way.  Yet I see some Christians accusing non Christians as only celebrating the season to get presents and for selfish reasons.  Really?  Are they seriously thinking that they have the corner on selfless acts because they believe in a God and others don't?  I see just as many non Christians as I see Christians donating to the less fortunate during this season.  So why do they do it?  Because of their religion? Oh wait they don't believe in a God so what religion is telling them to do it?  None.  Because they are being forced?  No.  Because of a God?  No.  Because of a persons b-day? No.  They do it simply because they love their fellow man.  It is as simple as that.  They are not doing it to get rewards in heaven, to please other church members and the like.  They do it because that is simply who they are.  A loving, caring person who wants to help others for no other reason then that. No holier then thou attitude, no forcing someone to change their wording of how they celebrate the season or so on.

As many reading my blog know I no longer believe in a God.  You will also know that there is a lot of sadness in my heart during this time of year since last year at this time is when I got the final verdict that because of lies my children will not be with me and are living with a very abusive woman.  But last year a person showed a ton of kindness to us by providing the means for my fiance and I to have a Holiday meal and when the time came that we could afford to pay her back all she asked for was for us to pay it forward.  This year we are doing just that.  We are helping a large family in need.  I don't know if they believe in a God and they don't know if we do.  And neither party cares.  They are strangers to us but we care about them and their family. 

Why did I do this post?  Simple.  Please stop the fighting over wording.  Who cares if someone says Merry Christmas to you or Happy Holidays or some other words that celebrate their feelings this season.  Put the energy you seem to have, if these simple words anger you, into donating or helping someone this season.  Whether you do it in the name of a God or not.  It will warm your heart either way.  If someone says Merry Christmas to you smile.  If they say Happy Holidays to you smile.  If they say other words meant to share their loving feelings this season smile.  They saw you as being a person that they care enough about to share their seasonal joy with.  So to everyone who frequents my blog.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.  No matter what or how you are celebrating I hope it is full of love, joy and hope.

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Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Going to Church Means You Automatically are Good

I recieved the most horrendous email from someone I considered a dear friend even though we differed on our belief in religion.  Basically the email says that since I am living in sin (living with my fiance) that means I am automatically a liar, that my kids are better off with a known child abuser because she goes to church.  They sent this email to me because I put up a face book request for anyone wanting to exchange holiday cards.  Here is the shocking email.

"Received a request on face book for a Christmas card.  We would have liked to send one but since Christmas is the celebration of the Birth of the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ, who is the only begotten Son of God the Father and you are now anti-christ, as an atheist, we were wondering why you would want a Christmas Card.  We don't believe Christmas as just an excuse to get cards and presents or just another Holiday.  Any card we would sent should ruffle your feathers because it would reference the reason for the season - Jesus Christ the Son of God.

We have read your definition as to why you went atheist and realized you don't have an idea as to why we are here on earth.  WE accepted to come here and go through the tests and trials of life to prove ourselves worthy to come back and live with our Father in Heaven.  He promised us all he has if we would do that.   He gave laws and commandments we had to follow if we wanted blessings in this life and after.  If we don't keep those commandments he won't be compelled to bless us.  While we were in Canada we were sad when you felt everyone was to do everything your - way which wasn't the Lords way.  You were the one that moved.  He was always there for you but it requires things like obedience to the principles of the Gospel.  The Lord Hates lying and you were good at it.  He says Adultery is 2nd only to Murder in serious and you are living in a direct opposite direction than the Lord and our Heavenly Father would have you and you expect blessings from him?
WE spent a lot of time, effort, money and prayers in your behalf of trying to help you get your kids.  Now you are atheist we are so happy the Lord knew  best because they are being better cared for (according to their Bishop and Stake Presidents) and so the Lord didn't allow you go gain custody   They say your mother is doing a great job in seeing they are being raised righteously instead of living with you who is living in a relation offensive to God.  I know these leaders are men of God and don't lie.
I can see why you are atheist.  It is easier to try to justify the way you are living and lying your way through life.  I feel sad that unless you repent you will have to stand before Christ and try to talk your way out of it which won't work - and you will be consigned to the Telestial kingdom where you can't visit your children or your live in at all and you will have only yourself to blame and no one else.  You know what you are doing and know it is Contrary to the Teachings of God.  Just be glad you don't live in the days of Moses because then you would have been physically stoned to death already.  Now you are just dead spiritually to the Lord.  Only you can change that.
I wanted you to know that we know with all our hearts, might, minds and strength  that God is our Heavenly Father and he loves all of his children even when they reject Him.  Jesus Christ is the son of God and was willing to die that we could have a chance to repent and accept His atoning sacrifice made for those who repent so he could be your redeemer.  Heavenly Father loved you so much he allowed  His beloved son to go through all he did for you and you are rejecting that great love.
You may never want to hear of us again because of the truths I have written here.  That is sad but The spirit has been nagging for months to let you know these truths and your seeking Christmas cards as an Atheist gave me an extra nudge."

If someone chooses to believe in a God that is their choice but to send this type of email, saying I am lucky I don't live in the time of Moses because I would be stoned?  My ex husband who almost killed me, left me for another woman and I should be stoned?  How does that make sense?  My kids are better off with a known child abuser because she attends church and is a good liar because she goes to church?  How does that make sense?  Just because I live with my fiance?  This email is beyond confusing.  Here is my reply:
"If you have read why I am an atheist (my blog) then you would have seen the horrific abuse in the name of a so called God that my mother put me and her previous step kids through.  Yet you can still say they are in a better place?  With a woman that told a rape victim it was her fault, with a woman who almost killed her step son, with a woman who made a gilr live in a barn and only bath once a week?  With a woman who made a boy eat thrown up dog food?  I could go on and on and so could the step kids.  That is a better place for my kids to be because she goes to church and commits these horendous acts hinden behind closed doors?  The church didn't know the horrors she was doing on that farm no more then they do now because she is a good liar.  But because she goes to a church it is a better place for them?  You are hipocrates if that is what you believe.

My becoming an athiest has nothing to do with my childrens placement.  It has to do with the church being a lie.  The church teaches Joshep Smith had one wife.  Yet irrefutable facts prove that he not only married many women, including children under 15, but also married women that were already married to other men who were alive.  This man you call a prophet broke his own rules for his religion.  And that is just one fact.  I am an athiest because the church was built on lies and that science proves there is no God.  Sorry but you need to get your facts straight.

And telling me you are glad that God choose to keep them in that home only because you view I am living in sin yet you are ok with them living with a woman who is severaly abusive is beyond sad because then you are breaking your own Gods rules.  Another reason I left the church is how the church treats Gays.  If you want education on your church watch a movie called Prop 8 the Mormon Proposition.  They broke the law when they tried to force through a law in California banning Gays from legally marrying.  They used the tithing of the church to try and force it through.  They lost and are now under investigation for it.  Since it is illegal for churches to get involved in politics in that way since the law is seperation between church and State.  I am no idiot to follow blindedly behind a false prophet who was not only a cheater on his wife but also a pedofile.

You said I may never want to hear from you agian.  If you want an intelligent discussion on the mormon religion I am game.  But don't you DARE tell me that my kids are better of with an abuser simply because she goes to church.  Open you eyes.  Just because someone goes to church does not mean they are rightchois as your church says.  And just because a bishop says they are fine does not mean they are.  When the horrors on the farm were going on my mother was the leading person to go to for Primary teaching and also was the leading person for home schooling.  She was greatly respected, yet she was commiting these horrors.  If you condon that then I pitty you because that means you condon child abuse as long as that person goes to church."

As to the money they speak of it was gas they paid for, and the church reimbursed them, to drive me to the city that was 3 hours away so I could attend court.  I thanked them every time for their assistance.  Sadly this is how someone tries to force their opinion of a God and religion on someone during the Holiday season.  Choosing to believe lies and support an abuser simply because I live with my fiance and we are not married and I am still, sadly and because of lack of funds, legally married to my ex abuser.  So I am evil simply because they disagree with my life style and because I am an athiest?  I would hate to see what would have happened if I was a gay person.  No wonder they are abused so much in my ex religion.  Sad.  Truly sad.  Saying they teach Gods and Christs laws and yet spew so much hate and are so quick to put false blame on someone, reguardless of facts, simplely because that person does not believe as they think they should.  From what I read about Christ isn;t that the opposite of love and acceptance?

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Saturday, November 26, 2011

My Daughter has turned 13

On the 18th of this month my daughter turned 13.  She is officially a teenager.  I have been working on this post for her since her b-day.  I remember so many wonderful memories with her.  She changed my life in so many ways.  I had just turned 22 when I found out I was pregnant with her.  I had been so sick I thought I had the flu.  But when I went to see a doctor they tested me and found out I was pregnant.  The funny thing though was even the doctor was surprised.  When he came in to tell me, he looked at me and said "You are pregnant.  How did you do that?"  He was as stunned as I was because it was suppose to be really difficult for me to get pregnant.

It was a very stressful pregnancy.  Not because you were making me sick or anything.  I only had one day of slight morning sickness.  Other wise I was physically healthy.  What was so stressful is as soon as my church found out they tried everything they could to convince me to give you up for adoption.  They made me attend classes through their own social services program.  These classes were all about how wonderful adoption is for both the parent and child, and how awful being a single parent is.  They had girls come in and talk about how wonderful it was to place their child up for adoption and other moms come in and talk about how they regret not putting up their child because of how hard it was.  There was no help, information or positive assistance for any other choice.

Even when I ended up in the hospital for a month when I was 6 month along, they sent their worker to my room to harass me.  She even showed up with adoption papers to sign multiple times.  I told her I was keeping you everything time she showed up and finally had her banned from seeing me at the hospital.  After I went home she showed up there a few times as well.  You were so wanted that I continued to hold my ground.  I went to parenting classes as well to ensure I would do the right things since I definitely did not have a good example in my own mother. 

When I went into labour it was hard.  20 hours of labour and I didn't dilate.  I stayed a 2cms.  When they gave me an epidural though I had you a short time later.  21 hours of labour was exhausting but you were so worth it.  You laid in my arms and looked like a little angel.  You had no hair.  To me it looked like you had peach fuzz on your head but you were so cute.  The lady from church did come to the hospital again with adoption papers.  She was told to leave.  She also came by the house when I got home.  A friend told her if she came by again then she would be charged with harassment.  She never showed up again.  You were a dream come true.  You were such a good baby.  Rarely crying, sleeping 6-8 hours at night within a few weeks.  You had a good appetite and loved to smile.  Anyone who saw you adored you.

One of my favorite memories when you were young is when you would try new foods.  My favorite was when you tried your first pickle.  Your face puckered up after you sucked on it.  But yet you still went back for more.  Puckered again and did it again.  You loved sour things and your would laugh after you saw my face when you would pucker. 

You were soo smart too.  You learned your abc song before age two, at 18 months when we would ride the bus and you would see people smoking you would tell them "you are going to die".  This shocked the people but a few later said they quit smoking after hearing you say that to them.  You loved to learn and knew your numbers and letters before even reaching kindergarten.  You loved to be read and sung to.  You were very active and fearless.  Always testing the boundaries and the rules.

School came easy to you.  It was rare for you to come home with less then the highest marks on your tests.  Sometimes I worried that it came to easily too you and for that you got bored easily. 

You also loved to help others.  When you learned at 2 1/2 that your Nana had cancer and lost all her hair you were worried.  You loved her so much, and she loved you just as much.  Then you saw a show on TV that was about adult donating their hair to cancer victims.  You got so excited and wanted to do it too.  You wanted to donate it to Nana but since you had child hair you had to donate it to kids instead.  You were OK with that.  When you told Nana she started to cry.  3 times you grew out your hair for 2 years and then had it cut off and donated.  3 times you provided hair to children who didn't have any.  You gave a priceless gift to them.

I do miss you and I do hold onto the memories each and every day that I have of you and us.  I hope you are OK.  I hope that you know that I do love you.  I am and always will be your mother.  And you will always be my daughter.

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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Brave? Me?

Last week I was shocked by a comment someone said to me.  They called me brave.  Me.  Seriously?  Here is what happened.

My fiance and I are on a dart team.  Once a week we go to one of the bars and play against another team.  This week it was at the bar that sponsors our team.  My service dog was with me like usual.  Everyone loves her.  And she loves the attention she gets from everyone when the night is over and her vest gets taken off outside and she is given permission to visit everyone.  She is with me to alert to the episodes I have because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  So far this year we have been lucky and no episodes have happened while playing darts.  So most people though curious have no real idea what she is for. 

Well this night was to be different.  I was playing the final doubles game with my partner when she started to alert to me.  Sometimes she can give a long alert, meaning I have some time 10- 15 minutes sometimes before anything happens.  The game was almost over and I didn't want to have to forfeit.  I hoped it was a long alert.  She kept getting more and more insistent.  Then it hit.  Down I went.  It lasted only a few minutes but it always leaves me beyond shaken.  When I finally felt a little better I sat on the bench.  My fiance told our team captain I couldn't play anymore.  When he came over to say it was OK I started crying and apologized.  He told me there was nothing to apologize for.  I felt so embarrassed.  Our team had to forfeit that game and the team game.  I felt like I let down my whole team. 

I leaned down and put my head against my Service Dog's head and concentrated on her breathing to try and stop my shaking.  When I finally wasn't shaking I moved back over to our teams table and that is when I got the shock of my life.  Most everyone on my team told me all was OK and to not worry and they hoped I was OK.  Even one of our new team members gave me a hug.  The other team was saying the same thing.  Then a gentleman came up to me and said he wanted to tell me something.  He said he wanted me to know how brave he thought I was.  Me.  Brave?  I was shaking.  Terrified of what everyone was thinking about me.  Wanting to crawl into a hole.  And this guy was telling me I was brave.  He went on to say that instead of letting my disability control my life and stop me from living it, I was instead getting out and living life.  He said he thought that was very brave and he admired me for that.  WOW.

I have spent so much of my life hiding in my home.  Terrified of what could happen.  Having my service dog has helped change some of that but I still spend so much of my time hiding in my home.  Not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, not wanting to be judged, not wanting to embarrass myself or be a burden to anyone.  And yet a small part of me has to admit he was right.  Before my Service Dog I never would have done the things I can do now.  Instead of being judge harshly like I am always afraid of this person let me know that not everyone will see me in a bad light. 

I hope he knows what his kind words did.  At the time I was too embarrassed to say much more then thank you.  Once I calmed down and thought about it I really felt much better knowing that I was accepted instead of rejected.  Sounds like such a small thing.  Just a few words from a stranger.  But those few words sure had a huge effect on me.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My Littlest Man is Now 4yrs Old

Yesterday you turned 4yrs old and I was not there to see you.  I miss and love you so much and I hope that you had a fun day.  You were in my thoughts all day.  I thought about when you were in my tummy.  Out of your other two siblings you were the one that didn't want to leave the warmth and love of my heart.  Even when we had a scare that something could be wrong you were strong and knew you were safe where you were.

I remember going in to be induced the first time and unlike your siblings you refused to budge.  But when I was induced a second time you came into this world faster then they did.  Your sister took 21 hours, your brother 13 hours.  You only took 5 hours.  And unlike your brother you let the world know you had made your entrance.  I did worry some because it took you 24 hours before you had your first good feed.  You just wanted to cuddle and sleep.

I remember the look on your brothers face when he first saw you.  Right away there was a strong bond between the two of you.  He wanted to help in doing everything for you.  And just the sight of him could get you to smile.  You loved to be sung to and to be danced with.  Your giggles would cause everyone in the room to laugh with you.  Your smile could clear the blues away from anyone who was around you.  And on the rare occasion you were sad everyone would do anything to bring back that smile.

You were the strongest baby.  You amazed even me when at less then a week old you could lay on your belly and hold your chest off the ground along with your head and look in front of you.  I even got a picture of it.  You were fascinated by the dogs and Ajax was always trying to sneak a kiss which would cause you to squeal in joy.

The saddest day of my life was when they took you screaming from my arms at 5 months old.  I think I knew then that I would never see you grow up.  When I would get to see you on visits your insecurities worried me.  Unlike your brother who was so outgoing you were scared of the world.  Always having to hide behind me, your brother or your grandma.  What had happened to my giggling, loving, adventurous boy?  As the 2yrs passed I saw you withdraw more and more.  You clung to me when I would have to bring you back, and when we would pick you up you would hug us so hard and run to Sheena and hug her so hard.  It would always take you a few minutes to relax.  Then as the visit progressed you would turn back into the happy boy I knew till the time slowly came to when we would have to take you back.  It tore at my heart so much.  You loved to learn, sing, help me and play with your brother. 

I am so sorry we never got to say good bye on our last visit.  We never knew it was to be our last visit.  We had told you we would see you next week like always.  But next week never came.  And to you you must feel like I abandon you.  I didn't.  I never would.  This was never my choice.  The lies of others forced this on all of us.  Some day I hope you will see this and know how much I love you and ache to have you in my life again.  I know the things you are being told about me and know that they are not true.  No matter what anyone says you are in my heart and will always be there. 

Happy 4th Birthday my son.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2011

My Little Man is Now 7yrs Old

7yrs ago today I was in the hospital.  I still remember that day perfectly in my mind.  I remember my heart skipping a beat when you were born and I didn't hear you cry.  Only to be told you swallowed some of the maconium so you could not vocalize for a month.  But when they handed you to me I knew I was looking at a little angel.  You looked at me with big blue eyes.  Not even attempting to cry.  You were such a strong little man even then.

I remember bringing you home and introducing you to the animals in the home.  Sheena took to you the strongest.  I never knew then that the bond you two would have was something amazing.  Right from day one of you being home she would stay outside your door when you slept only to come get me as soon as you woke up.  You could not make loud enough sounds for the monitor to hear but Sheena could.  I remember you learning to roll around the room and the very first object you rolled to was her to grab her tail and suck on it.  I remember that when you would cry the only thing that could settle you was my singing to you.  Your would instantly settle and watch me with those big blue eyes.  Then you would let out a big sign, close your eyes and drift off.

I remember that as you were learning different foods and tasted the first time you tried a dill pickle.  Your face puckered up and you smacked your lips and I thought you would throw it at me but nope.  You tried it again.  Doing the same face each time but you never stopped.  You had to taste everything and finding something you didn't like was next to impossible.  I remember that for the longest time your favorite food item was tomatoes.  Someone could offer you candy or a tomato and you would choose the tomato every time and eat it like it was an apple.

I remember you learning to walk by holding the dogs tail.  You would crawl over to Sheena when she was laying down and grab two fists full of her tail.  Then Sheena would slowly rise with you along with her.  She would slowly move forward with you screeching and giggling and stumbling along.  I remember your favorite place to nap was her crate.  You would grab your blanket, your teddy that was bigger then she is, crawl in beside her and curl up with her.  Both of you would sigh at the same time.  You would get so upset when I would move you to your own bed even though Sheena would park herself right outside your door. 

I remember how brave you were when you fell off the bench into your blocks and cut your mouth.  You stopped crying so fast and amazed all the nurses and doctors with your giggles and play as they waited to sew you up.  I remember you looking at me when I said you were a brave strong boy and you saying back "Me Brave' and then hugging me. 

I remember how you always followed me like a shadow.  Always wanting to learn new things or help me.  Some of my favorite memories is reading to you, which was one of your favorite activities too.  You would curl up with me, always with my arm around you and your head under my chin as I would read your favorite stories too you.

I remember when they took you away and how you always asked every time I saw you when you could come home.  I remember with so much pain how often you would beg to come home with me and say you will be good.  I remember hugging you and telling you many times that you are good and that it is not your fault and I want you to come home.

I remember our last visit when we played together and worked hard on you spelling because I knew you had dyslexia like me and not the issues my mother was lieing about to drug you up.  I tried so hard to protect you.  All I have now is those memories.  I never got to say good bye because I had not known that was to be the last visit.  It has been almost a year now and I still ache every day because I can't see you, watch you learn and grow, hear your laughter, cuddle and hug you.  I don't know when or if I ever will again.  I tried so hard to bring you home.  And I wish I could have.  I know you are not being told how much I love you but I do.  More then you know.  I cry so often for how much I miss you.  I am so sorry I failed you when you most needed me. 

You are one year older and you will always be my son no matter what anyone says.

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Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Learning to Accept Me Even If Some Can't

For most of my life I have dictated how I felt about me, how I acted, looked and such on how others opinion of me was.  I wanted to please everyone.  I wanted everyone to accept me.  And even if 9 out of 10 people did, the one person who didn't seemed to have the power to bring me down.  Power that I gave them.  I am still learning that I can't please everyone.  I am still learning that even if people don't like me or accept me that that does not change who I am inside.  That is their issue and not mine.

One big one that I find a few people can't seem to deal with is that I am on permanent disability.  They accuse me of being lazy, sitting on the computer all day and milking the system.  Some of them have tried to bully me into feeling bad about being on assistance.  By saying I am choosing to not work or that I am lieing to my worker and not telling them about all our income and so on.  I know some of them are going through hard times and so they are taking out their anger at their situation on me because my life is starting to turn around.  Some just like to be bullies.  Some just want someone to blame for anything. 

Before when I would get these attacks, and sometimes they can get down right nasty, I would get so depressed.  I would feel worthless.  I would start to doubt my medical team who had come to the conclusion that I should be on assistance before me even saying anything to them.  I would start to doubt who I was and thinking I didn't deserved to have a roof over my head.  These people would talk like it would be better for me to be homeless and that I was worthless.  It was crazy the amount of pain I gave them the right to make me feel.

Then I really started to seriously look at myself.  I had worked for many years.  I had gone to school, worked and been a single mom.  I was a good and honest person.  The things they accused me of were totally false.  Why was I letting it affect me?  Because it is what I was used to.  I was used to hating myself and feeling worthless and these people confirmed those feelings for me, so I allowed it.  So how do I change it?  By ignoring their behaviours and not giving them any power over me.

These people had not lived my life, these people were not let go from jobs when an employer would see an episode happen and tell me I was a liability.  They didn't feel the overwhelming terror that I did just from someone touching me, or someone near me raising their voice.  They did not experience their hearts racing, becoming dizzy, feeling sick to their stomachs at the mere thought of stepping out their front door even to just go to the store.  These people did not know all the facts.  They just spuned them to fit their picture of me.  I had to decide to let them live in their fairy tale and I live in reality. 

Yes I am on assistance and I do not feel bad for that.  My doctors and mental health team know my disorders better then I do and I trust their judgement.  And regardless I know I do not use the system.  I am entitled to a certain amount on the program I am on.  I could just sit back and collect it.  But I don't.  Instead my fiance works two jobs.  And we are renting out 3 of our spare rooms.  In doing this I receive about half or less then that of what I could get if we didn't do those things.  In that way we are more self sufficient.  Most of our income is from what my fiance makes and from tenants. 

With budgeting, couponing, saving, no credit cards and so on we are doing ok.  And I will not feel guilty for that.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be treated with respect and to respect myself.  It is sad that people can so freely try and hurt others without knowing all the facts and making assumptions BUT that is their issue.  Not mine and I will not own their anger, frustration, hatred or judgement any longer.  Easier said then done but I am working on doing this better.

If you suffer from bullying too please try to look at it honestly, and if you have to ask for help.

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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Self Reflection

I have had some time to do some reflection on myself the past few months.  I have so many questions for me that I can't keep track of them.  Sometimes I can come up with the answers and sometimes as I reflect I end up with more questions then answers.  One of the main ones I had for myself is why I never told anyone.  Why did I never tell anyone about the abuse when I was a child?  Why did I not tell anyone about the abuse when I was married?  When I would talk to people I would always tell them about the good things.  Try to sound like everything was more then OK. 

Part of me thinks it was because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.  My mother and husband had made it so clear that I didn't deserve anything and that all I was was a burden.  So to counteract my feelings of being a burden on people was to over compensate.  Anytime someone needed something, whether it be my sister, mother, step father, friends or so on, I would try to do it.  It didn't matter how they treated me, if they needed or wanted something and I could find a way to provide it then I would.  I also found that I rarely if ever asked for anything I needed.  I still find I do this but I am trying harder to put a stop to it.  If people are treating me with little or no respect then I try my best to not become a doormat.  But for my friends, people who do truly care about me then I try my best to help but not at the sake of myself if I can stop myself.

Another reason I didn't tell anyone is because I didn't want to be seen as a failure.  I saw myself as failing at being a good daughter and then I saw myself as failing at being a good wife.  To try and overcome this constant feeling of failure I over compensated in other areas.  My mother could beat me or emotionally abuse me and I would then try to find reasons to please her.  This kept going on even into adulthood.  I would buy her things that she would request, I would change my appearance to what she directed, I would do what ever she asked to try and show her that I was a good daughter.  Never once realizing that the problem was not me.  Never once realizing that no matter how hard I tried that I would never please her.  I did the same with my husband.  I found myself always making excuses for his bad behaviour to other people, always giving up things I needed to pay for things he stole or destroyed in anger, always getting him anything he wanted in a desire to show him that I was a good wife.  I always thought with both of them that if I only tried hard enough that things would be good.  I would then be good enough for them both.  I always thought that the reasons that things got worse was because I was failing in my duties.  This is something I am still struggling with in a big way.

Another reason was because I felt like I deserved it.  And in some ways I still do.  I still have a problem with believing I deserve to be loved, treated with respect, have my needs met and so on.  Any time I try to put myself first I end up feeling very guilty and think of myself as being selfish.  I find myself having an internal battle just to convince myself to purchase something I am in need of let alone something I might want. 

Another reason was because I was terrified people would place all the blame on me.  And some did.  And I know in some ways that was my own fault.  I had done such a good job in making excuses for them, covering up the things they did, bailing them out of situations that many were convinced that it was my fault.  Which lead me into believing that if they think I am the sole person responsible then they must be right.  But that is not reality.  I did make some mistakes.  I am no more perfect then the next person.  But I was not at fault for the abuse or their bad choices.  They are.  I still work hard on not taking responsibility for others actions.  Some days I succeed and some days I fail.  I am a work in progress.

I want so badly to be accepted by people.  To be seen as a good person.  I want to feel free to make mistakes and know I have people there to support me.  I have some good friends and they know who they are just as I know that they know who I truly am.  As you can see I am finding answers but I still have a ton more questions.  I am still working very hard on trying to accept me.  Maybe some day I will fully be able to do that.

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Trying To Move Forward

I have been getting a lot of advice lately to look forward, move forward. There is nothing I can do for a long while to fight to get my kids back. My hands are tied thanks to the lies of the department and my mother. So I have decided to take my wise friends advice and try and move forward in my life until I can take up the fight again.

My days are usually spent in the house. Day in and day out. With the depression of the trial I have had no urge to really do anything. Other then cooking and keeping up the house not much has interested me. On top of that Sheena is getting older. She is 7 now and though she is doing great as my medical alert dog she is going to get to the point where she does not have the energy to deal with a puppy. So while she still has the playful desire to be around a pup but also to train it.

So we got a puppy. She isn’t a purebred by any means but she is very cute and very smart. She just turned 3 months old and is already house trained and we are working on potty pen training her. For those that do not know what that means it is training to teach her to only use one spot in the yard and also to teach her to go on command. She has also learned in one day to play fetch. Her breeding is ½ German Shepherd, ¼ lab and ¼ husky. And you can see all of the traits in her though the lab so far seems to be the dominant for looks.

She has settled in quite well and we are excitedly waiting till she has her shots to take her out for walks and socialization. We have a lot of hopes and dreams for what to train her for but we are in the stage now where we are simply building a strong foundation to build upon. As she learns and grows I will blog on here about how she is doing. She has brought some lightness and excitement into our home again and given both of us something to focus on to help us move forward.

So right now we are moving forward day by day.

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Friday, February 25, 2011

I Am Breaking Inside

It is getting harder and harder to keep up this false exterior that everything is ok. That I am doing just fine. Everyday it is getting harder and harder to get through the day. Every day it is getting more difficult to do my normal routine. I am getting less and less done. Caring less and less about everything. Trying to keep up this front that I am just fine since getting the verdict is starting to be impossible.

I buried it all when I got the verdict. That is what I have always been taught. Do not be a burden on anyone. Do not show anyone that you need them. Do not depend on anyone. I am suppose to be the responsible one. I am the one that is suppose to take care of everything. Now I feel like I am failing in that and I don’t know anymore what to do.

The least little thing sets me off crying. I can’t even have a picture of my children around or else I can’t control my tears. My one purpose in life is gone. My reasons for getting up in the morning and feeling good about me is gone. My children were my life. And I failed them in the biggest way possible. I always thought good and truth won out in the end. But it really doesn’t.

I am terrified that if any of my friends know how I am breaking down this much that they will all leave me far behind. I see them rarely as is. Talk to them even less because I can not control the tears. I hide away at home just trying to get through the day. What do I have left? I feel so empty.

Every time I think about who they are being raised by and what they are being forced to endure I get so sick. My head starts to ache. So many children have suffered at this womans hands. I feel so alone. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Just basic responsibilities that I loved and took pride in, I now have no interest in. How much longer can I keep up this battle of pretending that I am fine to everyone?
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Saturday, February 19, 2011

Who Am I? A Mormon or Me?

These past few months so much has happened that it has really caused me to question so much about myself.  I decided last year to take a break from the religion I was a part of.  Had been raise in and shoved down my throat.  I have really been trying to figure out where my Mormon brainwashing ends and I begin.  In doing this it has caused me to really question who I am.  What are my beliefs?  To some they may think this is an easy thing but it truly isn't.  When you are brainwashed to the extent I was it causes a lot of guilt and shame to try and think differently then the training told me to.  And that guilt and shame is very hard to over come.

I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person.  And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with.  I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am.  To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list.  Here is what I have so far.

Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest

So far that is what I have.  While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church.  I was always feeling unworthy, or less then.  I never felt accepted.  Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal.  Not all the way but a lot of it.  My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well.  I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling.  That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love.  Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates.  But I am trying hard to stop those feelings.  Some days they do overwhelm me.  I hope those days will get less.  I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.

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