7yrs ago today I was in the hospital. I still remember that day perfectly in my mind. I remember my heart skipping a beat when you were born and I didn't hear you cry. Only to be told you swallowed some of the maconium so you could not vocalize for a month. But when they handed you to me I knew I was looking at a little angel. You looked at me with big blue eyes. Not even attempting to cry. You were such a strong little man even then.
I remember bringing you home and introducing you to the animals in the home. Sheena took to you the strongest. I never knew then that the bond you two would have was something amazing. Right from day one of you being home she would stay outside your door when you slept only to come get me as soon as you woke up. You could not make loud enough sounds for the monitor to hear but Sheena could. I remember you learning to roll around the room and the very first object you rolled to was her to grab her tail and suck on it. I remember that when you would cry the only thing that could settle you was my singing to you. Your would instantly settle and watch me with those big blue eyes. Then you would let out a big sign, close your eyes and drift off.
I remember that as you were learning different foods and tasted the first time you tried a dill pickle. Your face puckered up and you smacked your lips and I thought you would throw it at me but nope. You tried it again. Doing the same face each time but you never stopped. You had to taste everything and finding something you didn't like was next to impossible. I remember that for the longest time your favorite food item was tomatoes. Someone could offer you candy or a tomato and you would choose the tomato every time and eat it like it was an apple.
I remember you learning to walk by holding the dogs tail. You would crawl over to Sheena when she was laying down and grab two fists full of her tail. Then Sheena would slowly rise with you along with her. She would slowly move forward with you screeching and giggling and stumbling along. I remember your favorite place to nap was her crate. You would grab your blanket, your teddy that was bigger then she is, crawl in beside her and curl up with her. Both of you would sigh at the same time. You would get so upset when I would move you to your own bed even though Sheena would park herself right outside your door.
I remember how brave you were when you fell off the bench into your blocks and cut your mouth. You stopped crying so fast and amazed all the nurses and doctors with your giggles and play as they waited to sew you up. I remember you looking at me when I said you were a brave strong boy and you saying back "Me Brave' and then hugging me.
I remember how you always followed me like a shadow. Always wanting to learn new things or help me. Some of my favorite memories is reading to you, which was one of your favorite activities too. You would curl up with me, always with my arm around you and your head under my chin as I would read your favorite stories too you.
I remember when they took you away and how you always asked every time I saw you when you could come home. I remember with so much pain how often you would beg to come home with me and say you will be good. I remember hugging you and telling you many times that you are good and that it is not your fault and I want you to come home.
I remember our last visit when we played together and worked hard on you spelling because I knew you had dyslexia like me and not the issues my mother was lieing about to drug you up. I tried so hard to protect you. All I have now is those memories. I never got to say good bye because I had not known that was to be the last visit. It has been almost a year now and I still ache every day because I can't see you, watch you learn and grow, hear your laughter, cuddle and hug you. I don't know when or if I ever will again. I tried so hard to bring you home. And I wish I could have. I know you are not being told how much I love you but I do. More then you know. I cry so often for how much I miss you. I am so sorry I failed you when you most needed me.
You are one year older and you will always be my son no matter what anyone says.
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