Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Learning to Accept Me Even If Some Can't

For most of my life I have dictated how I felt about me, how I acted, looked and such on how others opinion of me was.  I wanted to please everyone.  I wanted everyone to accept me.  And even if 9 out of 10 people did, the one person who didn't seemed to have the power to bring me down.  Power that I gave them.  I am still learning that I can't please everyone.  I am still learning that even if people don't like me or accept me that that does not change who I am inside.  That is their issue and not mine.

One big one that I find a few people can't seem to deal with is that I am on permanent disability.  They accuse me of being lazy, sitting on the computer all day and milking the system.  Some of them have tried to bully me into feeling bad about being on assistance.  By saying I am choosing to not work or that I am lieing to my worker and not telling them about all our income and so on.  I know some of them are going through hard times and so they are taking out their anger at their situation on me because my life is starting to turn around.  Some just like to be bullies.  Some just want someone to blame for anything. 

Before when I would get these attacks, and sometimes they can get down right nasty, I would get so depressed.  I would feel worthless.  I would start to doubt my medical team who had come to the conclusion that I should be on assistance before me even saying anything to them.  I would start to doubt who I was and thinking I didn't deserved to have a roof over my head.  These people would talk like it would be better for me to be homeless and that I was worthless.  It was crazy the amount of pain I gave them the right to make me feel.

Then I really started to seriously look at myself.  I had worked for many years.  I had gone to school, worked and been a single mom.  I was a good and honest person.  The things they accused me of were totally false.  Why was I letting it affect me?  Because it is what I was used to.  I was used to hating myself and feeling worthless and these people confirmed those feelings for me, so I allowed it.  So how do I change it?  By ignoring their behaviours and not giving them any power over me.

These people had not lived my life, these people were not let go from jobs when an employer would see an episode happen and tell me I was a liability.  They didn't feel the overwhelming terror that I did just from someone touching me, or someone near me raising their voice.  They did not experience their hearts racing, becoming dizzy, feeling sick to their stomachs at the mere thought of stepping out their front door even to just go to the store.  These people did not know all the facts.  They just spuned them to fit their picture of me.  I had to decide to let them live in their fairy tale and I live in reality. 

Yes I am on assistance and I do not feel bad for that.  My doctors and mental health team know my disorders better then I do and I trust their judgement.  And regardless I know I do not use the system.  I am entitled to a certain amount on the program I am on.  I could just sit back and collect it.  But I don't.  Instead my fiance works two jobs.  And we are renting out 3 of our spare rooms.  In doing this I receive about half or less then that of what I could get if we didn't do those things.  In that way we are more self sufficient.  Most of our income is from what my fiance makes and from tenants. 

With budgeting, couponing, saving, no credit cards and so on we are doing ok.  And I will not feel guilty for that.  I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to be treated with respect and to respect myself.  It is sad that people can so freely try and hurt others without knowing all the facts and making assumptions BUT that is their issue.  Not mine and I will not own their anger, frustration, hatred or judgement any longer.  Easier said then done but I am working on doing this better.

If you suffer from bullying too please try to look at it honestly, and if you have to ask for help.

Return To Map Of The Blog Page


  1. wonderful expression of your feelings Nicole! You have not had an easy time and are a fighter! Keep up the good work. It is hard to ignore those who would bully or harm us but in the end it is necessary for our self preservation!
    Proud of you!


  2. Keep standing tall and proud my friend-don't ever let anyone steal your happiness again! For as many that would bully you or put you down, there are twice as many that are proud of the strong person you are and the stronger one you are becoming.

  3. i just wanted to say i have read through your entire blog. i cant believe the things you have lived through and come out on top. you should really think of writing a book, a memoir of sorts. it would be a great way to spread your story about your kids but also could be healing, and bring in some extra cash. there are a lot of books out there written by people who have survived horrific child abuse. you could be one of them.