Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My Littlest Man is Now 4yrs Old

Yesterday you turned 4yrs old and I was not there to see you.  I miss and love you so much and I hope that you had a fun day.  You were in my thoughts all day.  I thought about when you were in my tummy.  Out of your other two siblings you were the one that didn't want to leave the warmth and love of my heart.  Even when we had a scare that something could be wrong you were strong and knew you were safe where you were.

I remember going in to be induced the first time and unlike your siblings you refused to budge.  But when I was induced a second time you came into this world faster then they did.  Your sister took 21 hours, your brother 13 hours.  You only took 5 hours.  And unlike your brother you let the world know you had made your entrance.  I did worry some because it took you 24 hours before you had your first good feed.  You just wanted to cuddle and sleep.

I remember the look on your brothers face when he first saw you.  Right away there was a strong bond between the two of you.  He wanted to help in doing everything for you.  And just the sight of him could get you to smile.  You loved to be sung to and to be danced with.  Your giggles would cause everyone in the room to laugh with you.  Your smile could clear the blues away from anyone who was around you.  And on the rare occasion you were sad everyone would do anything to bring back that smile.

You were the strongest baby.  You amazed even me when at less then a week old you could lay on your belly and hold your chest off the ground along with your head and look in front of you.  I even got a picture of it.  You were fascinated by the dogs and Ajax was always trying to sneak a kiss which would cause you to squeal in joy.

The saddest day of my life was when they took you screaming from my arms at 5 months old.  I think I knew then that I would never see you grow up.  When I would get to see you on visits your insecurities worried me.  Unlike your brother who was so outgoing you were scared of the world.  Always having to hide behind me, your brother or your grandma.  What had happened to my giggling, loving, adventurous boy?  As the 2yrs passed I saw you withdraw more and more.  You clung to me when I would have to bring you back, and when we would pick you up you would hug us so hard and run to Sheena and hug her so hard.  It would always take you a few minutes to relax.  Then as the visit progressed you would turn back into the happy boy I knew till the time slowly came to when we would have to take you back.  It tore at my heart so much.  You loved to learn, sing, help me and play with your brother. 

I am so sorry we never got to say good bye on our last visit.  We never knew it was to be our last visit.  We had told you we would see you next week like always.  But next week never came.  And to you you must feel like I abandon you.  I didn't.  I never would.  This was never my choice.  The lies of others forced this on all of us.  Some day I hope you will see this and know how much I love you and ache to have you in my life again.  I know the things you are being told about me and know that they are not true.  No matter what anyone says you are in my heart and will always be there. 

Happy 4th Birthday my son.

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