These past few months so much has happened that it has really caused me to question so much about myself. I decided last year to take a break from the religion I was a part of. Had been raise in and shoved down my throat. I have really been trying to figure out where my Mormon brainwashing ends and I begin. In doing this it has caused me to really question who I am. What are my beliefs? To some they may think this is an easy thing but it truly isn't. When you are brainwashed to the extent I was it causes a lot of guilt and shame to try and think differently then the training told me to. And that guilt and shame is very hard to over come.
I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person. And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with. I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am. To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list. Here is what I have so far.
Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest
So far that is what I have. While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church. I was always feeling unworthy, or less then. I never felt accepted. Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal. Not all the way but a lot of it. My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well. I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling. That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love. Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates. But I am trying hard to stop those feelings. Some days they do overwhelm me. I hope those days will get less. I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.
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