Saturday, February 19, 2011

Who Am I? A Mormon or Me?

These past few months so much has happened that it has really caused me to question so much about myself.  I decided last year to take a break from the religion I was a part of.  Had been raise in and shoved down my throat.  I have really been trying to figure out where my Mormon brainwashing ends and I begin.  In doing this it has caused me to really question who I am.  What are my beliefs?  To some they may think this is an easy thing but it truly isn't.  When you are brainwashed to the extent I was it causes a lot of guilt and shame to try and think differently then the training told me to.  And that guilt and shame is very hard to over come.

I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person.  And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with.  I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am.  To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list.  Here is what I have so far.

Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest

So far that is what I have.  While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church.  I was always feeling unworthy, or less then.  I never felt accepted.  Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal.  Not all the way but a lot of it.  My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well.  I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling.  That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love.  Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates.  But I am trying hard to stop those feelings.  Some days they do overwhelm me.  I hope those days will get less.  I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.

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1 comment:

  1. you "was a good mother" correction "you are a good mother", same goes for the wife part. You were, you are and you always will be!