Friday, February 25, 2011

I Am Breaking Inside

It is getting harder and harder to keep up this false exterior that everything is ok. That I am doing just fine. Everyday it is getting harder and harder to get through the day. Every day it is getting more difficult to do my normal routine. I am getting less and less done. Caring less and less about everything. Trying to keep up this front that I am just fine since getting the verdict is starting to be impossible.

I buried it all when I got the verdict. That is what I have always been taught. Do not be a burden on anyone. Do not show anyone that you need them. Do not depend on anyone. I am suppose to be the responsible one. I am the one that is suppose to take care of everything. Now I feel like I am failing in that and I don’t know anymore what to do.

The least little thing sets me off crying. I can’t even have a picture of my children around or else I can’t control my tears. My one purpose in life is gone. My reasons for getting up in the morning and feeling good about me is gone. My children were my life. And I failed them in the biggest way possible. I always thought good and truth won out in the end. But it really doesn’t.

I am terrified that if any of my friends know how I am breaking down this much that they will all leave me far behind. I see them rarely as is. Talk to them even less because I can not control the tears. I hide away at home just trying to get through the day. What do I have left? I feel so empty.

Every time I think about who they are being raised by and what they are being forced to endure I get so sick. My head starts to ache. So many children have suffered at this womans hands. I feel so alone. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Just basic responsibilities that I loved and took pride in, I now have no interest in. How much longer can I keep up this battle of pretending that I am fine to everyone?
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