After the year I had had I had 0 desire to write anything more in that year. So decided to wait till this morning to do my New Year post. 2015 was not a great year though we did have 2 amazing things happen. One is our family grew. I can't go into details about this yet but it was something we hoped and dreamed about and never thought would happen. This made for a much more amazing Christmas Holiday Season for our family. The other amazing thing was finally clearing my name of all the lies my mother and my ex tried to convince everyone of and that kept me from my sons. Having a judge state in open court that I never abused my children or was an addicted, after 7yrs of fighting to prove this, was indescribable. And it did show my sons were legally kidnapped from me all based on the lies of the people who actually did abuse them. And sadly they, my daughter and myself have a life sentence now all because the legislation protects the people adopting children and not the birth families. I can't imagine what the couple who has them will tell them when the truth finally comes out. Will they deny knowing the truth? That will be hard to do since I proved in open court that they were informed and that they not only knew but lied to the professionals evaluating my sons for the trial. Lied to the point that even the departments own child psychologist stated over and over again that he found it very concerning and then shook my hand in the end stating I was the most professional self litigant he had ever encountered. How will they explain to my sons that they were a part of legally kidnapping them from their birth family. How they actively sought to cut contact between them and their sister and mother all because they wanted to "own" them. Adoption is suppose to be for children who do not already have loving and fit parents. How will they explain to my sons that my name was cleared. I was innocent and yet they still actively sought to kidnap my sons from their family. They can try all they want to deny it but just like I used the departments own records to show the departments corruptions, the couples lies to the assessors, I will be using those same records to show my sons the truth when they find us. And they will find us because my daughter and I will never stop making ourselves known so we are easily found. They may get a few years of my sons to themselves but it won't last forever. Another positive is we found out we are grandparents. Doug's oldest, who is in her 20's, had a beautiful baby with her husband. This is an exciting chapter for us both.
Since the trial so really hard things have happened. First is we discovered my oldest son's dog has cancer. She turned 12 this past December. She has a large mass in her abdomen. She no longer can be fed any type of kibble. To keep her healthy and her weight at a good level she is still getting raw but is also getting cooked meals every day. She is fed 4 times a day now. So far she is doing ok. It broke my heart when I found out, soon after the trial was over. I knew I would not be able to keep my promise to her of having her boy being able to see her again before she goes. We don't know how many months she has left and if she even has months. Right now we are just taking it day to day. She is still active at times, though has really slowed down, still trying to protect our home and family. We are not pursuing surgery as she is too old to handle it. We prefer to keep her comfortable and when she shows us that her quality of life has deteriorated to the point that she is not happy or comfortable we will give her the final gift.
Another negative and the most scary thing was 2 weeks prior to Christmas I ended up with sever pain in my abdomen. I brushed it off as menstrual cramps as I was lightly bleeding. Thanks to all my mother did to me mentally I always worry that when I go into the hospital for some reason they will think the issue is not important enough to be there. I have no issue taking my children in when needed but when it comes to myself getting up the ability to bypass my anxiety and agoraphobia at times to go in is almost impossible. I told Doug that it was just cramping though in reality I was in extreme pain, and went about my chores and daily routines as normal. Doug left with Nico to do some pick ups for Christmas on Sunday the 13th. The pain had gotten to the point that I could barely stand so I went in to have a hot bath and planned to take some pain killers and go to sleep to try and sleep it off. By the time I got out of the tub I felt like someone was cutting me in half. Isabeau opened the bathroom door, thinking I was still in the tub, to let me know Doug was home and saw me leaning over the dryer holding back a scream. She ran straight outside to get Doug. Isabeau knew pain never stopped me from doing things that needed to be done so when she saw me in that condition she knew something really bad was wrong. Doug came racing in and handed Nico to Isabeau. All I said was "I need to go in." He knew exactly what I meant. He quickly got me dressed and into the van. When we got to the ER and I gave them my symptoms they let us right in. Which is shocking as wait times are usually really long. They got me on pain killers right away which helped as at this point I could neither stand up straight or sit down.
The doctors said they need to do an internal exam as I tested positive for pregnancy even though Doug and I use protection. This is hard enough for me to do even on the best of days with being a rape survivor. But the pain was terrifying me so I told them to just do it. For those that know me that is not normal for me. I didn't even argue about the IV or blood tests(and I have a needle phobia). From that test they decided on an ultrasound. The initial one didn't have viable results so they had to do an internal one. Even with the high dose of pain meds this was excruciating and I held back many screams. The tech was so nice and kept apologizing and trying to keep me talking. But about half way through she got silent. Doug and I knew then that something was seriously wrong. We went back to our bed and waited for the results. And that didn't take long. The doctor came back with a surgeon.
They explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. They said my 2 choices was do nothing and die or have surgery. They said they figured the pregnancy was in the right tube. I was in complete shock at this point. I asked how long till surgery and they said the issue is so sever that they would call everyone in that was needed as soon as I signed the forms. This blew my mind as it meant my life was literally at stake. I signed the forms and Doug put in the calls to our friends for emergency support to go take care of the kids. In less then an hour from signing the forms I was up in the surgery suite. This was around 11pm. Doug went up with me but as soon as they took me away he headed for home to check on the kids and get some items. He said he would be there when I woke up. I was completely terrified as the surgeon explained every surgery has it's risks.
I remember waking up for a bit after surgery shivering so hard and painfully as people around the room we taking care of their duties and me. The next memory I have is waking up to Doug asleep in the chair next to me. Then again to him asleep on the floor in the corner of my room. Only once did I ask for pain relief. I am not a fan of how the narcotic pain relief makes my head feel. Thanks to the pain meds though I didn't feel too much pain. The surgeon knew of my PTSD and agoraphobia. So he gave strict instructions for me to be on bed rest for a whole week and very limited duties for 2. No heavy work or picking up items for 4 weeks. He didn't know me well. lol I got to leave the hospital by late Monday afternoon.
I went home still in shock and not having processed all the past two days occurrences. The next few days was dealing with sleeping and pain. All I allowed myself to think about was what needed to be done for all the kids for Christmas. I was so worried about disappointing them. After 4 days I was back to wrapping gifts, 6 days I was trying to do other things. I even found a way to help a local group with Christmas Hampers for families needing help by donating freezer space. Doug had to take the first week off but thanks to our incredible friends and a family who heard our story we got some help to cover food for Christmas since Doug had to take that week off. Our Christmas was relaxed and happy and the kids had a great time.
Now I am processing what happened and what could have happened. The surgeon had told us that the pregnancy was actually in the left tube and that it had already burst by the time he cut into me. That is how close I came to death. If I had done my plan of pain meds and sleep I might not have woken up. I would have died with 0 chance to say anything to my sons. This terrified me and still does. I came so close to losing my life before ever being able to hug them and tell them how much I love them. Both my tubes were removed. So now not only did I come close to death but there is 0 possibility of Doug and I having the gift of any more babies. Some days I am ok with this. Some days I cry about this.
One thing this scare did was cause Doug and I to look at our relationship. We have been together now for over 6yrs. We have both been in long term relationships before and usually by this point there were so many negatives happening in the relationship that we knew it was on the way out. Doug and I though realize our relationship is the complete opposite. Every year we get closer. We depend more and more on each other, we communicate better. This scare really showed us that we are 100% sure we never want to be apart. Our home, even with so many huge things happening, is so relaxed, happy. We are both on the same page for our short and long term goals. We work great together. He has made sure to show me or tell me each day just how much he loves me and appreciates me.
I have 0 issue with saying goodbye to 2015.
Our hopes for 2016? Well my oldest son will be turning 12 and I hope soon he will seek us out. Isabeau did when she was 14. My door will always be open to my sons and I will never turn them away. Our other hope is to finally start my dream again of my kennel of breeding exceptional dogs to produce puppies that could be Service Dog candidates. These pups we will donate to trainers and facilities, or individuals(who have a trainer to help them) to train to become potential Service Dogs for disabled people. I had to put this dream on hold for years to fight the battle for my children and to clear my name. Now we are in a position to start it up again. So hopefully this coming year will see our family coming together, maybe contact with my sons again(I will never stop hoping for this), and hoping to see one of my dreams come true with the Kennel.
Another hope is that I will finally get to meet my dad again. It has been 29yrs since I last saw him. I was 10. Every year that goes by since we found each other 3yrs ago scares me that we might not ever have the chance to see each other before something happens to either of us. My children deserve a grandparent like him in their lives. I want to meet my 5 brothers. I want to get to know my extended family. Healthy family. Maybe it will happen this year.
Thank you so much to all my friends and family who stepped up when we needed help with no complaints or issues. I hope 2016 sees a great year for everyone.
Return to Map of the Blog Page