I Am Breaking Inside

It is getting harder and harder to keep up this false exterior that everything is ok. That I am doing just fine. Everyday it is getting harder and harder to get through the day. Every day it is getting more difficult to do my normal routine. I am getting less and less done. Caring less and less about everything. Trying to keep up this front that I am just fine since getting the verdict is starting to be impossible.

I buried it all when I got the verdict. That is what I have always been taught. Do not be a burden on anyone. Do not show anyone that you need them. Do not depend on anyone. I am suppose to be the responsible one. I am the one that is suppose to take care of everything. Now I feel like I am failing in that and I don’t know anymore what to do.

The least little thing sets me off crying. I can’t even have a picture of my children around or else I can’t control my tears. My one purpose in life is gone. My reasons for getting up in the morning and feeling good about me is gone. My children were my life. And I failed them in the biggest way possible. I always thought good and truth won out in the end. But it really doesn’t.

I am terrified that if any of my friends know how I am breaking down this much that they will all leave me far behind. I see them rarely as is. Talk to them even less because I can not control the tears. I hide away at home just trying to get through the day. What do I have left? I feel so empty.

Every time I think about who they are being raised by and what they are being forced to endure I get so sick. My head starts to ache. So many children have suffered at this womans hands. I feel so alone. Like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Just basic responsibilities that I loved and took pride in, I now have no interest in. How much longer can I keep up this battle of pretending that I am fine to everyone?
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Who Am I? A Mormon or Me?

These past few months so much has happened that it has really caused me to question so much about myself.  I decided last year to take a break from the religion I was a part of.  Had been raise in and shoved down my throat.  I have really been trying to figure out where my Mormon brainwashing ends and I begin.  In doing this it has caused me to really question who I am.  What are my beliefs?  To some they may think this is an easy thing but it truly isn't.  When you are brainwashed to the extent I was it causes a lot of guilt and shame to try and think differently then the training told me to.  And that guilt and shame is very hard to over come.

I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person.  And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with.  I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am.  To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list.  Here is what I have so far.

Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest
Loyal

So far that is what I have.  While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church.  I was always feeling unworthy, or less then.  I never felt accepted.  Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal.  Not all the way but a lot of it.  My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well.  I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling.  That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love.  Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates.  But I am trying hard to stop those feelings.  Some days they do overwhelm me.  I hope those days will get less.  I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.

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