I just found out my mother has changed her last name again(on FB) to the last name of the guy I was told she was dating. First this would be her 6th marriage if they are married. Second he has grandkids and possibly great grandkids that she will be allowed around and possibly care for unattended. Doesn't matter that she starved kids, doesn't matter that she abused 7 kids in sickening ways, doesn't matter that she came close to killing a couple of them, doesn't matter that my son when he was 3 walked away from her care with many cigerette burns that were deep tissue burns that even a year later had not healed, doesn't matter that he also had many fading bruises healing at different rates all over his little body showing long term horrific physical abuse, doesn't matter that I can go on and on with examples of horrific physical, psychological abuse that she did to 7 children. Doesn't matter that there are 7 victims who have begged the athorities to do something and only get excuses to protect the mistakes CPS has done. She goes on to another relationship and the ability to do it to even more children. I told people once that it would take the death of one of my children before anyone believed me. My children barely escaped with their lives. And I did prove the abuse as stated by the judge and CPS at the trial in September that she did to my children. I seriously believe she will not stop or be stopped till a child dies or becomes seriously disfigured(worse then my 2nd youngest son). And when that happens it will be a day that I scream at all the agencies and police about how they ignored all the victims and continued to do nothing. They will own some of the blame for any child hurt by my mother from the day they decided to protect CPS instead of pursuing charges.
So what happened with the police case? First even though all the abuse happened in the same province the Crown decided to split the two cases and the excuse given was that they happened in two different towns. So two different jurisdictions. Which meant that even though my kids case had all the physical evidence to easily prove the abuse she committed, that evidence could not be used in the step kids or my case. Fine they could still get a conviction with that. But it also meant the step kids and my case could not be used with my kids case(which would have shown the timeline and that this was a long term, escalating thing for my mother. So my kids case would not be supported by historical evidence. Even though all the step kids and myself, and my daughter had come forward to testify along with the reports on my sons of what happened to them. The RCMP which was handling the step kids case and my case were ready to pursue charges all the way up to last month. Yup you heard that correctly. And the officer I spoke to was shocked that the police from the other town had ALL the physical evidence, records, pictures, doctors reports and so much more to PROVE the abuse. Records that I used in my trial that PROVED beyond any doubt what my mother had done to my kids. And yet were claiming they were closing the case for LACK of evidence. So let me get this straight. A nobody like me with no high school diploma, only some college classes, a stay at home mom and someone with PTSD and Agoraphobia was easily able to prove in a two week trial what she did to my kids but the professionals with all the degrees and training can't? Does that make any sense to anyone? The RCMP didn't have any of that either. They had the witness testimony of others though, not just us. The officer told me that if she had all the evidence that the other police department had that her boss would push her to arrest my mom right away and pursue a trial. She can't figure out why the RCMP have enough with just testimonies to arrest but that the police won't with all the evidence AND testimony.
So here is why. They are protecting CPS. Pressure had to come down from CPS as the crown told me that it was the cops decision whether to pursue charges or not. Yet when I talked to the officer of the other town who close the file he told me it was the crowns decision. Right. We have a case where my 3 children were being horrifically abused for 3yrs while under the watch of CPS. We have successfully proven in court in September that the abuse occurred, was ongoing and as the Social Worker stated "What we thought was happening in that home and what was truly happening in that home were two drastically different things." If my mother is convicted of the abuse of my children then that leaves CPS open to HUGE problems because my children were under their watch while she did it. That means many social workers, supervisors and higher ups getting into serious trouble. And not only do they ignore all the abuse but they actively pursued keeping my children there instead of returning them to me and then to cover up their GLARING mistakes they pursued selling my children off. Never once thinking that I would continue to fight to prove my innocence.
AND I WAS SUCCESSFUL. I have the verdict here in my home proving that FACT. Anyone now can get transcripts to the trial from September and read all the evidence, testimonies, doctor reports and so on proving what my mother did to my children. They can also read the multiple professionals that came forward to testify in our behave who have observed our parenting over a long period of time. My mother can continue to lie and manipulate people but unlike me she does not have the evidence to back up her claims. I do. I have my records, CPS's records, the verdict of this trial, anyone can get the transcripts.
My mother worked hard to make me out to be something I was not to cover up her crimes. But I have to thank her for that. Because of her constantly doing that my entire life I learned to ALWAYS keep any evidence that would show the truth. Always be able to back up my statements. My mother on the other hand, like all narcissists, have nothing to prove her claims other then her wild stories.
Last month when the RCMP called me to tell me they were ready to arrest her I told them no. Yes you read that right. I am 40yrs old now. I have 4 kids at home that need a mom full time, I have spent countless years fighting first to prove my innocence but also to get justice. I won the first part but during that trial I also learned that I will never get justice and my mother will only face justice when she kills a child or seriously disfigures one. With what the crown has done to this case to protect CPS there is little chance at a conviction and if there is one it will be a first offence so she would most likely get off with just probation. It is not worth the stress on my family. It is not worth reliving it all again and watching this truly evil person smile her sneer as she walks away to destroy more kids lives. It would be as much a slap in the face as when I proved I was innocent in September and they still sold my sons.
I survived. I AM A SURVIVOR. And if I could say something to my mother I would tell her "YOU NEVER BROKE ME! YOU NEVER SHUT ME UP! THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE ABOUT YOU! AND I AM NOT ASHAMED AS I SURVIVED A MOSTER FOR A MOTHER!!
Now I am finally, for the first time in 40yrs, focusing on me. Now I am focusing on my dreams and goals. Now I am fulfilling my dream of being a mom, breeder of Service Dogs, and just seeing who I am after all this hell. I will wait for my sons to find me and learn the truth. And I will support them in what ever they want to do if they want to pursue justice for themselves. I will continue to be an advocate for change within CPS, I will continue to write and give hope to other survivors. I am NOT what she did to me or my children. I AM A SURVIVOR!
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Thursday, April 14, 2016
Friday, March 4, 2016
Sheena - My Oldest Son's Dog and My Service Dog
Sheena, a beautiful White German Shepherd, passed peacefully at home yesterday morning in her sleep at the age of 12yrs, on March 3, 2016. She passed quietly as she napped on her favorite couch after sending the girls off to school. She is missed by so many who loved her deeply and her life not only touched more people that I could ever list but she changed peoples lives for the better.
This beautiful puppy was born on Dec 20th, 2003. She was destine for greatness right from the very beginning. I had purchased her with the intent of training her to be my Psychiatric Service Dog. Something that was still fairly new in the US and unheard of in Canada. Seeing how medication to treat my PTSD and agoraphobia was not an option for me, she was my next option to try to have an independent life. She flew into Montana where I and my now ex husband drove to get her. I picked her up at the airport and didn't let her out of her travel crate till we got to our car. When I open the cage she pranced out full of confidence. It was February 12, 2004 and she walked around like she already owned the world. She feared nothing and immediately came to me and licked my hand and tried to cuddle. On the drive home she was the perfect little angel. She settled in quickly and was adored by Isabeau who had just turned 5 the fall previous. The next day she showed us that she feared nothing. We took her to a garage where a friend of my husbands was working on a demolish car. They were reving the engine really loudly yet she didn't care one bit. Then a huge rotti walked up to us. His head was bigger then her entire body. So I picked her up thinking this giant of a dog might make her fearful. Nope. He came over and stuck his nose in her butt to get a sniff. Her reaction was to reach down and snap at him to let him know that is not how you treat a lady. From that point on I knew I had an Alpha personality on my hands.
She sailed through training like she was born to it. And frankly she was. No matter how difficult a task she learned it quickly and easily. Every test I put her through she confidently did. She learned more tasks then I could even go into. Some of which that helped with my disability was finding exits, finding a person I was with, body blocking, using her body to create a larger personal space for me. Bringing me drinks when asked, bracing to help me get up when needed, picking up anything I asked for, finding keys, remotes or so on. She even learned to help with the laundry. She would gather clothes on command and put them in a basket, drag the basket from room to room and then to in front of the washing machine. She could then do a paws up on the machine to drop clothes in, she could take them out of the drier and then pull the basket from room to room. I used to joke that if I could teach her to turn on the machines, transfer clothes and to fold I would not need to do laundry ever again. lol She loved to learn new tasks. And since I got pregnant with my oldest son 2 weeks after her arrival, I was more then happy to teach her anything that I thought would help me during my pregnancy.
She didn't just help me. She helped so many others. My oldest son when born swallowed some of the birth fluid. This affected his ability to make sounds for the first month of his life. If he was in his crib and woke up you could not hear him even on a baby monitor. Sheena had a solution though that I didn't even teach her. From the moment she met my oldest son she camped out in front of his bedroom door if he was in there sleeping. The second he woke up she would come and get me. She watched over him like he was her pup. She loved me, she loved everyone in the family but she lit up for my son. He learned to walk by crawling up on her and holding her tail. When he could crawl and then walk, he would take his blanket and favorite big stuffy into her crate and nap with her. If you wanted to find my son you just had to call Sheena and she would let you know instantly which room he was playing in. Those two were soul mates right from the beginning. And now that I know my oldest son still wants to train dogs I know it was Sheena that started his love of them and created that passion. He was feeding her himself at 2yrs old. Walking her on a leash at 3. People would be amazed to watch this little toddler give commands to this big dog and she would not just listen but rush to do his bidding.
My son instilled in Sheena a love of children that never died. It was her one fault as a Service Dog. Kids. She just could not completely ignore them. She thought they all needed kisses, or all needed to pet her or toss a ball for her. Many a child that had been hurt by mauling from another dog over came their fear of dogs thanks to Sheena. Parents would see how wonderful she was with children and would ask if they could allow their traumatized children to see Sheena. I never said no to this request. She seem to know just what they needed. She would stay calm and quiet and let them approach her. She would show her belly to invite tummy rums, she would shove a ball over to them to invite them to toss it. She would even do the "military crawl" over to the ones who were really scared, usually to giggles by the time she made it to their side. On one occasion she saved a child from being kidnapped. I used to take my oldest son to a mom/tot play center. They all knew Sheena there and adored her. During reading time some of the kids would use her as a pillow. Parents would come and stay or could drop the kids off to go do shopping or such. One day a man walked in. Not a new thing. Both moms and dads came and Sheena never reacted. But this time she did. She immediately looked at him and started to growl. This alerted the ladies who ran the place as Sheena never reacted that way. They later told me that man did not have custody of his child and had come there in an attempt to take the child without the mother knowing. As soon as they escorted him out Sheena was right back to her normal self. How she knew we will never know but everyone was glad she did.
Sheena worked hard as a Service Dog but she played just as hard too. She was trained in agility and loved to show off her tricks. But her all time favorite sport was flyball. She LOVED it. She was ball trained as it was for doing tasks. So training her for flyball was easy. For those who don't know what that is it is a relay race for dogs. Two teams of 4 race against each other. The track is straight with 4 jumps spaced evenly apart and a box at the end of them. They jump the jumps, hit the box that has a ball it shoots out, catches it and then turn around and jump back over the jumps to cross the finish line. The team that finishes the fastest with no faults wins. She would run her paws bloody she loved that sport so much. She hated it when we would say she had to stop so as not to over do it. She was usually the anchor dog as she was always steady with not missing jumps. Her fastest time was 5.4 seconds.
Sheena also was a mom. She changed my life so much that she created the dream of me wanting to give the gift of independence to others. So we decided to breed her. We did the health tests and researched to find a good stud. And the results was a beautiful litter of 6. One of which we did donate to be a Service Dog. And Polar made his mom proud by accomplishing our dream for him. Sadly he passed away last year but he changed his families life just as much as Sheena changed ours. One of her other pups actually saved my life when my ex was abusing me. He was slamming the back of my head against a brick wall and I could not fight back. Ajax bloodied his paws and mouth tearing open his metal crate to slip out and attack my ex giving me enough time to get up the stairs and outside so neighbors could call the cops. I don't know what would have happened if he had not done that. She was a dedicated mom to her litter and they went on to have wonderful lives. Sadly Sheena does not get to see us continue this dream but she was the foundation of this dream and as this year progresses our dream for our kennel will come to fruition.
Sheena also helped pick my partner that I have today. I was at a friends house, who adored Sheena, and he was visiting. I had only met him a few hours earlier. Our friend asked me to go get Sheena as everyone loves Sheena. I lived across the street so I went and got her. When I came in the door you could hear him asking what is a "Sheena". There was a long hallway that Sheena and I walked through and then you turn a corner to enter the living room where they all were. Sheena at this time was not a fan of men after being witness to my ex beating on me on countless occasions. She ignored men most of the time. But when we came around the corner she changed. Between him and her was a large coffee table. He took one look at her and said "She is gorg..." before he could finish she had leaped over the table and was in his lap licking his face. She never greeted anyone like that, ever. Everyone's mouth dropped open in shock. She chose him and I trusted her.
Sadly through the years Sheena lost her soul mate, my oldest son, through lies and perjury. As I was able to show in court this past September, my children were literally legally kidnapped. She was so depressed about that. She never forgot my son. Even just a month ago I could say my sons name and she would race through the house looking for him and whining. She never lost her love for him and it broke my heart that even though my name was cleared in court of any wrong doing that led to my sons being placed and kept in care, that the court did not right the wrongs done but allowed my sons to be sold to a family who were proven to lie to professionals to keep them from their own proven loving family. I honestly think that is why she held on so long. She was hoping her boy would return to her so she could say goodbye.
Sheena changed many lives through the years. By the time her PSD training was complete she was only the 2nd Psychiatric Service Dog ever in all of Canada and the first in Western Canada. She was a part in the meetings for writing the Alberta Service Dog Act. She was so well mannered and well trained that the people running the meetings thought she was facility trained. They were shocked to learn that she was owner trained and I used how good she was trained as a basis to get people to consider testing for Owner Trainers to do be able to train their own Service Dogs. We were advocates for Owner Trainers and Disabled people who work with Service Dogs. We opened many businesses doors that were previously closed to Service Dog users, we changed many business people minds. All it took was them meeting Sheena and observing her working and they would give us the time to teach them their rights. Sheena got to be so well known that business would ask us to do presentations to their staff about Service Dogs, working with disabled patrons and their business rights. She also knew with an uncanny ability to tell when people were depressed or having anxiety or panic issues. If she was not on duty at that time she would go an alert for others as well. She would attempt to help them as she would help me. People would be shocked when she would do it for them and when I asked them if they were ok they would tell me they were upset or anxious. Many a person, adult and child, cried on Sheena and accepted her comfort and support. Her greatest joy was being able to show everyone love.
Her last years were spent watching her family grow once more. First with our beautiful son Nico. She was so happy the day we brought him home. Then Isabeau coming back home as well. Then this summer her pack grew by 2 more. Another son and daughter. She will be remembered by all and will never be forgotten. I will never be able to repay her all the love, confidence, independence and so much more that she offered to me and everyone else. She had 4 feet and a tail but she changed the world for everyone that let her.
We love you Sheena and you will never be forgotten.
For pictures: Sheena pictures
Return to Map of the Blog Page
This beautiful puppy was born on Dec 20th, 2003. She was destine for greatness right from the very beginning. I had purchased her with the intent of training her to be my Psychiatric Service Dog. Something that was still fairly new in the US and unheard of in Canada. Seeing how medication to treat my PTSD and agoraphobia was not an option for me, she was my next option to try to have an independent life. She flew into Montana where I and my now ex husband drove to get her. I picked her up at the airport and didn't let her out of her travel crate till we got to our car. When I open the cage she pranced out full of confidence. It was February 12, 2004 and she walked around like she already owned the world. She feared nothing and immediately came to me and licked my hand and tried to cuddle. On the drive home she was the perfect little angel. She settled in quickly and was adored by Isabeau who had just turned 5 the fall previous. The next day she showed us that she feared nothing. We took her to a garage where a friend of my husbands was working on a demolish car. They were reving the engine really loudly yet she didn't care one bit. Then a huge rotti walked up to us. His head was bigger then her entire body. So I picked her up thinking this giant of a dog might make her fearful. Nope. He came over and stuck his nose in her butt to get a sniff. Her reaction was to reach down and snap at him to let him know that is not how you treat a lady. From that point on I knew I had an Alpha personality on my hands.
She sailed through training like she was born to it. And frankly she was. No matter how difficult a task she learned it quickly and easily. Every test I put her through she confidently did. She learned more tasks then I could even go into. Some of which that helped with my disability was finding exits, finding a person I was with, body blocking, using her body to create a larger personal space for me. Bringing me drinks when asked, bracing to help me get up when needed, picking up anything I asked for, finding keys, remotes or so on. She even learned to help with the laundry. She would gather clothes on command and put them in a basket, drag the basket from room to room and then to in front of the washing machine. She could then do a paws up on the machine to drop clothes in, she could take them out of the drier and then pull the basket from room to room. I used to joke that if I could teach her to turn on the machines, transfer clothes and to fold I would not need to do laundry ever again. lol She loved to learn new tasks. And since I got pregnant with my oldest son 2 weeks after her arrival, I was more then happy to teach her anything that I thought would help me during my pregnancy.
She didn't just help me. She helped so many others. My oldest son when born swallowed some of the birth fluid. This affected his ability to make sounds for the first month of his life. If he was in his crib and woke up you could not hear him even on a baby monitor. Sheena had a solution though that I didn't even teach her. From the moment she met my oldest son she camped out in front of his bedroom door if he was in there sleeping. The second he woke up she would come and get me. She watched over him like he was her pup. She loved me, she loved everyone in the family but she lit up for my son. He learned to walk by crawling up on her and holding her tail. When he could crawl and then walk, he would take his blanket and favorite big stuffy into her crate and nap with her. If you wanted to find my son you just had to call Sheena and she would let you know instantly which room he was playing in. Those two were soul mates right from the beginning. And now that I know my oldest son still wants to train dogs I know it was Sheena that started his love of them and created that passion. He was feeding her himself at 2yrs old. Walking her on a leash at 3. People would be amazed to watch this little toddler give commands to this big dog and she would not just listen but rush to do his bidding.
My son instilled in Sheena a love of children that never died. It was her one fault as a Service Dog. Kids. She just could not completely ignore them. She thought they all needed kisses, or all needed to pet her or toss a ball for her. Many a child that had been hurt by mauling from another dog over came their fear of dogs thanks to Sheena. Parents would see how wonderful she was with children and would ask if they could allow their traumatized children to see Sheena. I never said no to this request. She seem to know just what they needed. She would stay calm and quiet and let them approach her. She would show her belly to invite tummy rums, she would shove a ball over to them to invite them to toss it. She would even do the "military crawl" over to the ones who were really scared, usually to giggles by the time she made it to their side. On one occasion she saved a child from being kidnapped. I used to take my oldest son to a mom/tot play center. They all knew Sheena there and adored her. During reading time some of the kids would use her as a pillow. Parents would come and stay or could drop the kids off to go do shopping or such. One day a man walked in. Not a new thing. Both moms and dads came and Sheena never reacted. But this time she did. She immediately looked at him and started to growl. This alerted the ladies who ran the place as Sheena never reacted that way. They later told me that man did not have custody of his child and had come there in an attempt to take the child without the mother knowing. As soon as they escorted him out Sheena was right back to her normal self. How she knew we will never know but everyone was glad she did.
Sheena worked hard as a Service Dog but she played just as hard too. She was trained in agility and loved to show off her tricks. But her all time favorite sport was flyball. She LOVED it. She was ball trained as it was for doing tasks. So training her for flyball was easy. For those who don't know what that is it is a relay race for dogs. Two teams of 4 race against each other. The track is straight with 4 jumps spaced evenly apart and a box at the end of them. They jump the jumps, hit the box that has a ball it shoots out, catches it and then turn around and jump back over the jumps to cross the finish line. The team that finishes the fastest with no faults wins. She would run her paws bloody she loved that sport so much. She hated it when we would say she had to stop so as not to over do it. She was usually the anchor dog as she was always steady with not missing jumps. Her fastest time was 5.4 seconds.
Sheena also was a mom. She changed my life so much that she created the dream of me wanting to give the gift of independence to others. So we decided to breed her. We did the health tests and researched to find a good stud. And the results was a beautiful litter of 6. One of which we did donate to be a Service Dog. And Polar made his mom proud by accomplishing our dream for him. Sadly he passed away last year but he changed his families life just as much as Sheena changed ours. One of her other pups actually saved my life when my ex was abusing me. He was slamming the back of my head against a brick wall and I could not fight back. Ajax bloodied his paws and mouth tearing open his metal crate to slip out and attack my ex giving me enough time to get up the stairs and outside so neighbors could call the cops. I don't know what would have happened if he had not done that. She was a dedicated mom to her litter and they went on to have wonderful lives. Sadly Sheena does not get to see us continue this dream but she was the foundation of this dream and as this year progresses our dream for our kennel will come to fruition.
Sheena also helped pick my partner that I have today. I was at a friends house, who adored Sheena, and he was visiting. I had only met him a few hours earlier. Our friend asked me to go get Sheena as everyone loves Sheena. I lived across the street so I went and got her. When I came in the door you could hear him asking what is a "Sheena". There was a long hallway that Sheena and I walked through and then you turn a corner to enter the living room where they all were. Sheena at this time was not a fan of men after being witness to my ex beating on me on countless occasions. She ignored men most of the time. But when we came around the corner she changed. Between him and her was a large coffee table. He took one look at her and said "She is gorg..." before he could finish she had leaped over the table and was in his lap licking his face. She never greeted anyone like that, ever. Everyone's mouth dropped open in shock. She chose him and I trusted her.
Sadly through the years Sheena lost her soul mate, my oldest son, through lies and perjury. As I was able to show in court this past September, my children were literally legally kidnapped. She was so depressed about that. She never forgot my son. Even just a month ago I could say my sons name and she would race through the house looking for him and whining. She never lost her love for him and it broke my heart that even though my name was cleared in court of any wrong doing that led to my sons being placed and kept in care, that the court did not right the wrongs done but allowed my sons to be sold to a family who were proven to lie to professionals to keep them from their own proven loving family. I honestly think that is why she held on so long. She was hoping her boy would return to her so she could say goodbye.
Sheena changed many lives through the years. By the time her PSD training was complete she was only the 2nd Psychiatric Service Dog ever in all of Canada and the first in Western Canada. She was a part in the meetings for writing the Alberta Service Dog Act. She was so well mannered and well trained that the people running the meetings thought she was facility trained. They were shocked to learn that she was owner trained and I used how good she was trained as a basis to get people to consider testing for Owner Trainers to do be able to train their own Service Dogs. We were advocates for Owner Trainers and Disabled people who work with Service Dogs. We opened many businesses doors that were previously closed to Service Dog users, we changed many business people minds. All it took was them meeting Sheena and observing her working and they would give us the time to teach them their rights. Sheena got to be so well known that business would ask us to do presentations to their staff about Service Dogs, working with disabled patrons and their business rights. She also knew with an uncanny ability to tell when people were depressed or having anxiety or panic issues. If she was not on duty at that time she would go an alert for others as well. She would attempt to help them as she would help me. People would be shocked when she would do it for them and when I asked them if they were ok they would tell me they were upset or anxious. Many a person, adult and child, cried on Sheena and accepted her comfort and support. Her greatest joy was being able to show everyone love.
Her last years were spent watching her family grow once more. First with our beautiful son Nico. She was so happy the day we brought him home. Then Isabeau coming back home as well. Then this summer her pack grew by 2 more. Another son and daughter. She will be remembered by all and will never be forgotten. I will never be able to repay her all the love, confidence, independence and so much more that she offered to me and everyone else. She had 4 feet and a tail but she changed the world for everyone that let her.
We love you Sheena and you will never be forgotten.
For pictures: Sheena pictures
Return to Map of the Blog Page
Friday, January 1, 2016
Saying Goodbye to 2015
After the year I had had I had 0 desire to write anything more in that year. So decided to wait till this morning to do my New Year post. 2015 was not a great year though we did have 2 amazing things happen. One is our family grew. I can't go into details about this yet but it was something we hoped and dreamed about and never thought would happen. This made for a much more amazing Christmas Holiday Season for our family. The other amazing thing was finally clearing my name of all the lies my mother and my ex tried to convince everyone of and that kept me from my sons. Having a judge state in open court that I never abused my children or was an addicted, after 7yrs of fighting to prove this, was indescribable. And it did show my sons were legally kidnapped from me all based on the lies of the people who actually did abuse them. And sadly they, my daughter and myself have a life sentence now all because the legislation protects the people adopting children and not the birth families. I can't imagine what the couple who has them will tell them when the truth finally comes out. Will they deny knowing the truth? That will be hard to do since I proved in open court that they were informed and that they not only knew but lied to the professionals evaluating my sons for the trial. Lied to the point that even the departments own child psychologist stated over and over again that he found it very concerning and then shook my hand in the end stating I was the most professional self litigant he had ever encountered. How will they explain to my sons that they were a part of legally kidnapping them from their birth family. How they actively sought to cut contact between them and their sister and mother all because they wanted to "own" them. Adoption is suppose to be for children who do not already have loving and fit parents. How will they explain to my sons that my name was cleared. I was innocent and yet they still actively sought to kidnap my sons from their family. They can try all they want to deny it but just like I used the departments own records to show the departments corruptions, the couples lies to the assessors, I will be using those same records to show my sons the truth when they find us. And they will find us because my daughter and I will never stop making ourselves known so we are easily found. They may get a few years of my sons to themselves but it won't last forever. Another positive is we found out we are grandparents. Doug's oldest, who is in her 20's, had a beautiful baby with her husband. This is an exciting chapter for us both.
Since the trial so really hard things have happened. First is we discovered my oldest son's dog has cancer. She turned 12 this past December. She has a large mass in her abdomen. She no longer can be fed any type of kibble. To keep her healthy and her weight at a good level she is still getting raw but is also getting cooked meals every day. She is fed 4 times a day now. So far she is doing ok. It broke my heart when I found out, soon after the trial was over. I knew I would not be able to keep my promise to her of having her boy being able to see her again before she goes. We don't know how many months she has left and if she even has months. Right now we are just taking it day to day. She is still active at times, though has really slowed down, still trying to protect our home and family. We are not pursuing surgery as she is too old to handle it. We prefer to keep her comfortable and when she shows us that her quality of life has deteriorated to the point that she is not happy or comfortable we will give her the final gift.
Another negative and the most scary thing was 2 weeks prior to Christmas I ended up with sever pain in my abdomen. I brushed it off as menstrual cramps as I was lightly bleeding. Thanks to all my mother did to me mentally I always worry that when I go into the hospital for some reason they will think the issue is not important enough to be there. I have no issue taking my children in when needed but when it comes to myself getting up the ability to bypass my anxiety and agoraphobia at times to go in is almost impossible. I told Doug that it was just cramping though in reality I was in extreme pain, and went about my chores and daily routines as normal. Doug left with Nico to do some pick ups for Christmas on Sunday the 13th. The pain had gotten to the point that I could barely stand so I went in to have a hot bath and planned to take some pain killers and go to sleep to try and sleep it off. By the time I got out of the tub I felt like someone was cutting me in half. Isabeau opened the bathroom door, thinking I was still in the tub, to let me know Doug was home and saw me leaning over the dryer holding back a scream. She ran straight outside to get Doug. Isabeau knew pain never stopped me from doing things that needed to be done so when she saw me in that condition she knew something really bad was wrong. Doug came racing in and handed Nico to Isabeau. All I said was "I need to go in." He knew exactly what I meant. He quickly got me dressed and into the van. When we got to the ER and I gave them my symptoms they let us right in. Which is shocking as wait times are usually really long. They got me on pain killers right away which helped as at this point I could neither stand up straight or sit down.
The doctors said they need to do an internal exam as I tested positive for pregnancy even though Doug and I use protection. This is hard enough for me to do even on the best of days with being a rape survivor. But the pain was terrifying me so I told them to just do it. For those that know me that is not normal for me. I didn't even argue about the IV or blood tests(and I have a needle phobia). From that test they decided on an ultrasound. The initial one didn't have viable results so they had to do an internal one. Even with the high dose of pain meds this was excruciating and I held back many screams. The tech was so nice and kept apologizing and trying to keep me talking. But about half way through she got silent. Doug and I knew then that something was seriously wrong. We went back to our bed and waited for the results. And that didn't take long. The doctor came back with a surgeon.
They explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. They said my 2 choices was do nothing and die or have surgery. They said they figured the pregnancy was in the right tube. I was in complete shock at this point. I asked how long till surgery and they said the issue is so sever that they would call everyone in that was needed as soon as I signed the forms. This blew my mind as it meant my life was literally at stake. I signed the forms and Doug put in the calls to our friends for emergency support to go take care of the kids. In less then an hour from signing the forms I was up in the surgery suite. This was around 11pm. Doug went up with me but as soon as they took me away he headed for home to check on the kids and get some items. He said he would be there when I woke up. I was completely terrified as the surgeon explained every surgery has it's risks.
I remember waking up for a bit after surgery shivering so hard and painfully as people around the room we taking care of their duties and me. The next memory I have is waking up to Doug asleep in the chair next to me. Then again to him asleep on the floor in the corner of my room. Only once did I ask for pain relief. I am not a fan of how the narcotic pain relief makes my head feel. Thanks to the pain meds though I didn't feel too much pain. The surgeon knew of my PTSD and agoraphobia. So he gave strict instructions for me to be on bed rest for a whole week and very limited duties for 2. No heavy work or picking up items for 4 weeks. He didn't know me well. lol I got to leave the hospital by late Monday afternoon.
I went home still in shock and not having processed all the past two days occurrences. The next few days was dealing with sleeping and pain. All I allowed myself to think about was what needed to be done for all the kids for Christmas. I was so worried about disappointing them. After 4 days I was back to wrapping gifts, 6 days I was trying to do other things. I even found a way to help a local group with Christmas Hampers for families needing help by donating freezer space. Doug had to take the first week off but thanks to our incredible friends and a family who heard our story we got some help to cover food for Christmas since Doug had to take that week off. Our Christmas was relaxed and happy and the kids had a great time.
Now I am processing what happened and what could have happened. The surgeon had told us that the pregnancy was actually in the left tube and that it had already burst by the time he cut into me. That is how close I came to death. If I had done my plan of pain meds and sleep I might not have woken up. I would have died with 0 chance to say anything to my sons. This terrified me and still does. I came so close to losing my life before ever being able to hug them and tell them how much I love them. Both my tubes were removed. So now not only did I come close to death but there is 0 possibility of Doug and I having the gift of any more babies. Some days I am ok with this. Some days I cry about this.
One thing this scare did was cause Doug and I to look at our relationship. We have been together now for over 6yrs. We have both been in long term relationships before and usually by this point there were so many negatives happening in the relationship that we knew it was on the way out. Doug and I though realize our relationship is the complete opposite. Every year we get closer. We depend more and more on each other, we communicate better. This scare really showed us that we are 100% sure we never want to be apart. Our home, even with so many huge things happening, is so relaxed, happy. We are both on the same page for our short and long term goals. We work great together. He has made sure to show me or tell me each day just how much he loves me and appreciates me.
I have 0 issue with saying goodbye to 2015.
Our hopes for 2016? Well my oldest son will be turning 12 and I hope soon he will seek us out. Isabeau did when she was 14. My door will always be open to my sons and I will never turn them away. Our other hope is to finally start my dream again of my kennel of breeding exceptional dogs to produce puppies that could be Service Dog candidates. These pups we will donate to trainers and facilities, or individuals(who have a trainer to help them) to train to become potential Service Dogs for disabled people. I had to put this dream on hold for years to fight the battle for my children and to clear my name. Now we are in a position to start it up again. So hopefully this coming year will see our family coming together, maybe contact with my sons again(I will never stop hoping for this), and hoping to see one of my dreams come true with the Kennel.
Another hope is that I will finally get to meet my dad again. It has been 29yrs since I last saw him. I was 10. Every year that goes by since we found each other 3yrs ago scares me that we might not ever have the chance to see each other before something happens to either of us. My children deserve a grandparent like him in their lives. I want to meet my 5 brothers. I want to get to know my extended family. Healthy family. Maybe it will happen this year.
Thank you so much to all my friends and family who stepped up when we needed help with no complaints or issues. I hope 2016 sees a great year for everyone.
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Since the trial so really hard things have happened. First is we discovered my oldest son's dog has cancer. She turned 12 this past December. She has a large mass in her abdomen. She no longer can be fed any type of kibble. To keep her healthy and her weight at a good level she is still getting raw but is also getting cooked meals every day. She is fed 4 times a day now. So far she is doing ok. It broke my heart when I found out, soon after the trial was over. I knew I would not be able to keep my promise to her of having her boy being able to see her again before she goes. We don't know how many months she has left and if she even has months. Right now we are just taking it day to day. She is still active at times, though has really slowed down, still trying to protect our home and family. We are not pursuing surgery as she is too old to handle it. We prefer to keep her comfortable and when she shows us that her quality of life has deteriorated to the point that she is not happy or comfortable we will give her the final gift.
Another negative and the most scary thing was 2 weeks prior to Christmas I ended up with sever pain in my abdomen. I brushed it off as menstrual cramps as I was lightly bleeding. Thanks to all my mother did to me mentally I always worry that when I go into the hospital for some reason they will think the issue is not important enough to be there. I have no issue taking my children in when needed but when it comes to myself getting up the ability to bypass my anxiety and agoraphobia at times to go in is almost impossible. I told Doug that it was just cramping though in reality I was in extreme pain, and went about my chores and daily routines as normal. Doug left with Nico to do some pick ups for Christmas on Sunday the 13th. The pain had gotten to the point that I could barely stand so I went in to have a hot bath and planned to take some pain killers and go to sleep to try and sleep it off. By the time I got out of the tub I felt like someone was cutting me in half. Isabeau opened the bathroom door, thinking I was still in the tub, to let me know Doug was home and saw me leaning over the dryer holding back a scream. She ran straight outside to get Doug. Isabeau knew pain never stopped me from doing things that needed to be done so when she saw me in that condition she knew something really bad was wrong. Doug came racing in and handed Nico to Isabeau. All I said was "I need to go in." He knew exactly what I meant. He quickly got me dressed and into the van. When we got to the ER and I gave them my symptoms they let us right in. Which is shocking as wait times are usually really long. They got me on pain killers right away which helped as at this point I could neither stand up straight or sit down.
The doctors said they need to do an internal exam as I tested positive for pregnancy even though Doug and I use protection. This is hard enough for me to do even on the best of days with being a rape survivor. But the pain was terrifying me so I told them to just do it. For those that know me that is not normal for me. I didn't even argue about the IV or blood tests(and I have a needle phobia). From that test they decided on an ultrasound. The initial one didn't have viable results so they had to do an internal one. Even with the high dose of pain meds this was excruciating and I held back many screams. The tech was so nice and kept apologizing and trying to keep me talking. But about half way through she got silent. Doug and I knew then that something was seriously wrong. We went back to our bed and waited for the results. And that didn't take long. The doctor came back with a surgeon.
They explained I had an ectopic pregnancy. They said my 2 choices was do nothing and die or have surgery. They said they figured the pregnancy was in the right tube. I was in complete shock at this point. I asked how long till surgery and they said the issue is so sever that they would call everyone in that was needed as soon as I signed the forms. This blew my mind as it meant my life was literally at stake. I signed the forms and Doug put in the calls to our friends for emergency support to go take care of the kids. In less then an hour from signing the forms I was up in the surgery suite. This was around 11pm. Doug went up with me but as soon as they took me away he headed for home to check on the kids and get some items. He said he would be there when I woke up. I was completely terrified as the surgeon explained every surgery has it's risks.
I remember waking up for a bit after surgery shivering so hard and painfully as people around the room we taking care of their duties and me. The next memory I have is waking up to Doug asleep in the chair next to me. Then again to him asleep on the floor in the corner of my room. Only once did I ask for pain relief. I am not a fan of how the narcotic pain relief makes my head feel. Thanks to the pain meds though I didn't feel too much pain. The surgeon knew of my PTSD and agoraphobia. So he gave strict instructions for me to be on bed rest for a whole week and very limited duties for 2. No heavy work or picking up items for 4 weeks. He didn't know me well. lol I got to leave the hospital by late Monday afternoon.
I went home still in shock and not having processed all the past two days occurrences. The next few days was dealing with sleeping and pain. All I allowed myself to think about was what needed to be done for all the kids for Christmas. I was so worried about disappointing them. After 4 days I was back to wrapping gifts, 6 days I was trying to do other things. I even found a way to help a local group with Christmas Hampers for families needing help by donating freezer space. Doug had to take the first week off but thanks to our incredible friends and a family who heard our story we got some help to cover food for Christmas since Doug had to take that week off. Our Christmas was relaxed and happy and the kids had a great time.
Now I am processing what happened and what could have happened. The surgeon had told us that the pregnancy was actually in the left tube and that it had already burst by the time he cut into me. That is how close I came to death. If I had done my plan of pain meds and sleep I might not have woken up. I would have died with 0 chance to say anything to my sons. This terrified me and still does. I came so close to losing my life before ever being able to hug them and tell them how much I love them. Both my tubes were removed. So now not only did I come close to death but there is 0 possibility of Doug and I having the gift of any more babies. Some days I am ok with this. Some days I cry about this.
One thing this scare did was cause Doug and I to look at our relationship. We have been together now for over 6yrs. We have both been in long term relationships before and usually by this point there were so many negatives happening in the relationship that we knew it was on the way out. Doug and I though realize our relationship is the complete opposite. Every year we get closer. We depend more and more on each other, we communicate better. This scare really showed us that we are 100% sure we never want to be apart. Our home, even with so many huge things happening, is so relaxed, happy. We are both on the same page for our short and long term goals. We work great together. He has made sure to show me or tell me each day just how much he loves me and appreciates me.
I have 0 issue with saying goodbye to 2015.
Our hopes for 2016? Well my oldest son will be turning 12 and I hope soon he will seek us out. Isabeau did when she was 14. My door will always be open to my sons and I will never turn them away. Our other hope is to finally start my dream again of my kennel of breeding exceptional dogs to produce puppies that could be Service Dog candidates. These pups we will donate to trainers and facilities, or individuals(who have a trainer to help them) to train to become potential Service Dogs for disabled people. I had to put this dream on hold for years to fight the battle for my children and to clear my name. Now we are in a position to start it up again. So hopefully this coming year will see our family coming together, maybe contact with my sons again(I will never stop hoping for this), and hoping to see one of my dreams come true with the Kennel.
Another hope is that I will finally get to meet my dad again. It has been 29yrs since I last saw him. I was 10. Every year that goes by since we found each other 3yrs ago scares me that we might not ever have the chance to see each other before something happens to either of us. My children deserve a grandparent like him in their lives. I want to meet my 5 brothers. I want to get to know my extended family. Healthy family. Maybe it will happen this year.
Thank you so much to all my friends and family who stepped up when we needed help with no complaints or issues. I hope 2016 sees a great year for everyone.
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