Yesterday you turned 4yrs old and I was not there to see you. I miss and love you so much and I hope that you had a fun day. You were in my thoughts all day. I thought about when you were in my tummy. Out of your other two siblings you were the one that didn't want to leave the warmth and love of my heart. Even when we had a scare that something could be wrong you were strong and knew you were safe where you were.
I remember going in to be induced the first time and unlike your siblings you refused to budge. But when I was induced a second time you came into this world faster then they did. Your sister took 21 hours, your brother 13 hours. You only took 5 hours. And unlike your brother you let the world know you had made your entrance. I did worry some because it took you 24 hours before you had your first good feed. You just wanted to cuddle and sleep.
I remember the look on your brothers face when he first saw you. Right away there was a strong bond between the two of you. He wanted to help in doing everything for you. And just the sight of him could get you to smile. You loved to be sung to and to be danced with. Your giggles would cause everyone in the room to laugh with you. Your smile could clear the blues away from anyone who was around you. And on the rare occasion you were sad everyone would do anything to bring back that smile.
You were the strongest baby. You amazed even me when at less then a week old you could lay on your belly and hold your chest off the ground along with your head and look in front of you. I even got a picture of it. You were fascinated by the dogs and Ajax was always trying to sneak a kiss which would cause you to squeal in joy.
The saddest day of my life was when they took you screaming from my arms at 5 months old. I think I knew then that I would never see you grow up. When I would get to see you on visits your insecurities worried me. Unlike your brother who was so outgoing you were scared of the world. Always having to hide behind me, your brother or your grandma. What had happened to my giggling, loving, adventurous boy? As the 2yrs passed I saw you withdraw more and more. You clung to me when I would have to bring you back, and when we would pick you up you would hug us so hard and run to Sheena and hug her so hard. It would always take you a few minutes to relax. Then as the visit progressed you would turn back into the happy boy I knew till the time slowly came to when we would have to take you back. It tore at my heart so much. You loved to learn, sing, help me and play with your brother.
I am so sorry we never got to say good bye on our last visit. We never knew it was to be our last visit. We had told you we would see you next week like always. But next week never came. And to you you must feel like I abandon you. I didn't. I never would. This was never my choice. The lies of others forced this on all of us. Some day I hope you will see this and know how much I love you and ache to have you in my life again. I know the things you are being told about me and know that they are not true. No matter what anyone says you are in my heart and will always be there.
Happy 4th Birthday my son.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
My Little Man is Now 7yrs Old
7yrs ago today I was in the hospital. I still remember that day perfectly in my mind. I remember my heart skipping a beat when you were born and I didn't hear you cry. Only to be told you swallowed some of the maconium so you could not vocalize for a month. But when they handed you to me I knew I was looking at a little angel. You looked at me with big blue eyes. Not even attempting to cry. You were such a strong little man even then.
I remember bringing you home and introducing you to the animals in the home. Sheena took to you the strongest. I never knew then that the bond you two would have was something amazing. Right from day one of you being home she would stay outside your door when you slept only to come get me as soon as you woke up. You could not make loud enough sounds for the monitor to hear but Sheena could. I remember you learning to roll around the room and the very first object you rolled to was her to grab her tail and suck on it. I remember that when you would cry the only thing that could settle you was my singing to you. Your would instantly settle and watch me with those big blue eyes. Then you would let out a big sign, close your eyes and drift off.
I remember that as you were learning different foods and tasted the first time you tried a dill pickle. Your face puckered up and you smacked your lips and I thought you would throw it at me but nope. You tried it again. Doing the same face each time but you never stopped. You had to taste everything and finding something you didn't like was next to impossible. I remember that for the longest time your favorite food item was tomatoes. Someone could offer you candy or a tomato and you would choose the tomato every time and eat it like it was an apple.
I remember you learning to walk by holding the dogs tail. You would crawl over to Sheena when she was laying down and grab two fists full of her tail. Then Sheena would slowly rise with you along with her. She would slowly move forward with you screeching and giggling and stumbling along. I remember your favorite place to nap was her crate. You would grab your blanket, your teddy that was bigger then she is, crawl in beside her and curl up with her. Both of you would sigh at the same time. You would get so upset when I would move you to your own bed even though Sheena would park herself right outside your door.
I remember how brave you were when you fell off the bench into your blocks and cut your mouth. You stopped crying so fast and amazed all the nurses and doctors with your giggles and play as they waited to sew you up. I remember you looking at me when I said you were a brave strong boy and you saying back "Me Brave' and then hugging me.
I remember how you always followed me like a shadow. Always wanting to learn new things or help me. Some of my favorite memories is reading to you, which was one of your favorite activities too. You would curl up with me, always with my arm around you and your head under my chin as I would read your favorite stories too you.
I remember when they took you away and how you always asked every time I saw you when you could come home. I remember with so much pain how often you would beg to come home with me and say you will be good. I remember hugging you and telling you many times that you are good and that it is not your fault and I want you to come home.
I remember our last visit when we played together and worked hard on you spelling because I knew you had dyslexia like me and not the issues my mother was lieing about to drug you up. I tried so hard to protect you. All I have now is those memories. I never got to say good bye because I had not known that was to be the last visit. It has been almost a year now and I still ache every day because I can't see you, watch you learn and grow, hear your laughter, cuddle and hug you. I don't know when or if I ever will again. I tried so hard to bring you home. And I wish I could have. I know you are not being told how much I love you but I do. More then you know. I cry so often for how much I miss you. I am so sorry I failed you when you most needed me.
You are one year older and you will always be my son no matter what anyone says.
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I remember bringing you home and introducing you to the animals in the home. Sheena took to you the strongest. I never knew then that the bond you two would have was something amazing. Right from day one of you being home she would stay outside your door when you slept only to come get me as soon as you woke up. You could not make loud enough sounds for the monitor to hear but Sheena could. I remember you learning to roll around the room and the very first object you rolled to was her to grab her tail and suck on it. I remember that when you would cry the only thing that could settle you was my singing to you. Your would instantly settle and watch me with those big blue eyes. Then you would let out a big sign, close your eyes and drift off.
I remember that as you were learning different foods and tasted the first time you tried a dill pickle. Your face puckered up and you smacked your lips and I thought you would throw it at me but nope. You tried it again. Doing the same face each time but you never stopped. You had to taste everything and finding something you didn't like was next to impossible. I remember that for the longest time your favorite food item was tomatoes. Someone could offer you candy or a tomato and you would choose the tomato every time and eat it like it was an apple.
I remember you learning to walk by holding the dogs tail. You would crawl over to Sheena when she was laying down and grab two fists full of her tail. Then Sheena would slowly rise with you along with her. She would slowly move forward with you screeching and giggling and stumbling along. I remember your favorite place to nap was her crate. You would grab your blanket, your teddy that was bigger then she is, crawl in beside her and curl up with her. Both of you would sigh at the same time. You would get so upset when I would move you to your own bed even though Sheena would park herself right outside your door.
I remember how brave you were when you fell off the bench into your blocks and cut your mouth. You stopped crying so fast and amazed all the nurses and doctors with your giggles and play as they waited to sew you up. I remember you looking at me when I said you were a brave strong boy and you saying back "Me Brave' and then hugging me.
I remember how you always followed me like a shadow. Always wanting to learn new things or help me. Some of my favorite memories is reading to you, which was one of your favorite activities too. You would curl up with me, always with my arm around you and your head under my chin as I would read your favorite stories too you.
I remember when they took you away and how you always asked every time I saw you when you could come home. I remember with so much pain how often you would beg to come home with me and say you will be good. I remember hugging you and telling you many times that you are good and that it is not your fault and I want you to come home.
I remember our last visit when we played together and worked hard on you spelling because I knew you had dyslexia like me and not the issues my mother was lieing about to drug you up. I tried so hard to protect you. All I have now is those memories. I never got to say good bye because I had not known that was to be the last visit. It has been almost a year now and I still ache every day because I can't see you, watch you learn and grow, hear your laughter, cuddle and hug you. I don't know when or if I ever will again. I tried so hard to bring you home. And I wish I could have. I know you are not being told how much I love you but I do. More then you know. I cry so often for how much I miss you. I am so sorry I failed you when you most needed me.
You are one year older and you will always be my son no matter what anyone says.
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Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Learning to Accept Me Even If Some Can't
For most of my life I have dictated how I felt about me, how I acted, looked and such on how others opinion of me was. I wanted to please everyone. I wanted everyone to accept me. And even if 9 out of 10 people did, the one person who didn't seemed to have the power to bring me down. Power that I gave them. I am still learning that I can't please everyone. I am still learning that even if people don't like me or accept me that that does not change who I am inside. That is their issue and not mine.
One big one that I find a few people can't seem to deal with is that I am on permanent disability. They accuse me of being lazy, sitting on the computer all day and milking the system. Some of them have tried to bully me into feeling bad about being on assistance. By saying I am choosing to not work or that I am lieing to my worker and not telling them about all our income and so on. I know some of them are going through hard times and so they are taking out their anger at their situation on me because my life is starting to turn around. Some just like to be bullies. Some just want someone to blame for anything.
Before when I would get these attacks, and sometimes they can get down right nasty, I would get so depressed. I would feel worthless. I would start to doubt my medical team who had come to the conclusion that I should be on assistance before me even saying anything to them. I would start to doubt who I was and thinking I didn't deserved to have a roof over my head. These people would talk like it would be better for me to be homeless and that I was worthless. It was crazy the amount of pain I gave them the right to make me feel.
Then I really started to seriously look at myself. I had worked for many years. I had gone to school, worked and been a single mom. I was a good and honest person. The things they accused me of were totally false. Why was I letting it affect me? Because it is what I was used to. I was used to hating myself and feeling worthless and these people confirmed those feelings for me, so I allowed it. So how do I change it? By ignoring their behaviours and not giving them any power over me.
These people had not lived my life, these people were not let go from jobs when an employer would see an episode happen and tell me I was a liability. They didn't feel the overwhelming terror that I did just from someone touching me, or someone near me raising their voice. They did not experience their hearts racing, becoming dizzy, feeling sick to their stomachs at the mere thought of stepping out their front door even to just go to the store. These people did not know all the facts. They just spuned them to fit their picture of me. I had to decide to let them live in their fairy tale and I live in reality.
Yes I am on assistance and I do not feel bad for that. My doctors and mental health team know my disorders better then I do and I trust their judgement. And regardless I know I do not use the system. I am entitled to a certain amount on the program I am on. I could just sit back and collect it. But I don't. Instead my fiance works two jobs. And we are renting out 3 of our spare rooms. In doing this I receive about half or less then that of what I could get if we didn't do those things. In that way we are more self sufficient. Most of our income is from what my fiance makes and from tenants.
With budgeting, couponing, saving, no credit cards and so on we are doing ok. And I will not feel guilty for that. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated with respect and to respect myself. It is sad that people can so freely try and hurt others without knowing all the facts and making assumptions BUT that is their issue. Not mine and I will not own their anger, frustration, hatred or judgement any longer. Easier said then done but I am working on doing this better.
If you suffer from bullying too please try to look at it honestly, and if you have to ask for help.
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One big one that I find a few people can't seem to deal with is that I am on permanent disability. They accuse me of being lazy, sitting on the computer all day and milking the system. Some of them have tried to bully me into feeling bad about being on assistance. By saying I am choosing to not work or that I am lieing to my worker and not telling them about all our income and so on. I know some of them are going through hard times and so they are taking out their anger at their situation on me because my life is starting to turn around. Some just like to be bullies. Some just want someone to blame for anything.
Before when I would get these attacks, and sometimes they can get down right nasty, I would get so depressed. I would feel worthless. I would start to doubt my medical team who had come to the conclusion that I should be on assistance before me even saying anything to them. I would start to doubt who I was and thinking I didn't deserved to have a roof over my head. These people would talk like it would be better for me to be homeless and that I was worthless. It was crazy the amount of pain I gave them the right to make me feel.
Then I really started to seriously look at myself. I had worked for many years. I had gone to school, worked and been a single mom. I was a good and honest person. The things they accused me of were totally false. Why was I letting it affect me? Because it is what I was used to. I was used to hating myself and feeling worthless and these people confirmed those feelings for me, so I allowed it. So how do I change it? By ignoring their behaviours and not giving them any power over me.
These people had not lived my life, these people were not let go from jobs when an employer would see an episode happen and tell me I was a liability. They didn't feel the overwhelming terror that I did just from someone touching me, or someone near me raising their voice. They did not experience their hearts racing, becoming dizzy, feeling sick to their stomachs at the mere thought of stepping out their front door even to just go to the store. These people did not know all the facts. They just spuned them to fit their picture of me. I had to decide to let them live in their fairy tale and I live in reality.
Yes I am on assistance and I do not feel bad for that. My doctors and mental health team know my disorders better then I do and I trust their judgement. And regardless I know I do not use the system. I am entitled to a certain amount on the program I am on. I could just sit back and collect it. But I don't. Instead my fiance works two jobs. And we are renting out 3 of our spare rooms. In doing this I receive about half or less then that of what I could get if we didn't do those things. In that way we are more self sufficient. Most of our income is from what my fiance makes and from tenants.
With budgeting, couponing, saving, no credit cards and so on we are doing ok. And I will not feel guilty for that. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated with respect and to respect myself. It is sad that people can so freely try and hurt others without knowing all the facts and making assumptions BUT that is their issue. Not mine and I will not own their anger, frustration, hatred or judgement any longer. Easier said then done but I am working on doing this better.
If you suffer from bullying too please try to look at it honestly, and if you have to ask for help.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
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