With 2013 literally being just a few hours away, I have been sitting here going over this past year. It has been full of so many good and bad things. A lot of ups and downs.
One of the bad things was learning about what my children had to endure at the hands of my mother. Then learning that instead of the department doing the right and ethical thing of contacting me right away once they realized that their whole case against me, and all the complaints made by my mother was lies; they instead decided to not inform me at all and instead put my children into foster care and now trying to adopt them out as quickly as possible. In doing this they hope that their many many huge mistakes will be kept hidden and they will not have to be held accountable. They are right. Legally they are not required to contact me. Legally they could do what they are doing. BUT is it right. They only have that legal right because they won a court case based on lies that are now proven. Does that make it right just because they did win the case? No. It is not ethical and it is not right. The real victims of them only doing what is legal is my children and myself. My children only knew what my mother told them. Which was I did not want them or love them. That was so wrong. That I abandoned them. Again so wrong. Is it right that they should be left to believe that? Is it right, just because they won a case based on lies, that a family should be forever kept apart? Isn't that then continuing the suffering? Continuing the emotional abuse of my children? The department is suppose to be there to help children that need helping but to try to keep families together where ever possible. Our experience is that they have and are doing all they can to keep us apart. If I am such a bad parent then why is my son thriving? They can't answer that question. My sons now might be adopted out before ever knowing the truth. Why? Because it is easier for the department. It is easier on them to continue allowing my sons to believe I never wanted them. Continuing to allow them to believe that I never loved them. Their presents are sitting on a shelf in an office proving to me that was their plan all along when all the gifts were sent back to me last year and they claimed I never sent any. This has been their plan all along to hide their screw up. And no one is stopping them. No one is standing up and saying this is wrong. No one is fighting for my family. I have tried and continue to try but I come up against a brick wall. I can only do so much. The department has allowed one woman to destroy 7 lives, 3 generations of children. To tear apart a mother from her children. And even with her history of sever abuse she was believed over someone with no history of abuse. This is what they want hidden. That they aided this woman in allowing this abuse to continue, in forcing children to stay with a known abuser even when people were telling them what was happening. That they failed to do their jobs and instead are continuing to emotionally abuse and neglect my children by refusing my daughter and i to see each other and not allowing my sons to even know that I am here. I weep at what this year has done to my children and my family. All the while one woman cheers that she can continue to cause such pain by having created this scenario.
But even in the face of such sadness there is joy. Joy at the bringing of a new life into our home. Joy of a new brother for my children. Regardless of the fact that the department told me that he is not their family, that their adoptive family will be their family, he is their brother and always will be. He will always grow up knowing who they are, what they were like, how they were ripped from our lives and how he was denied the ability to know them thanks to one woman and the department. He will know the truth when he is old enough. He will grow up knowing that regardless of what a piece of paper says that they are his family. He will know that he is loved just as much as they are by us. That our door is always open to them when ever them can and do come home. He has made this house a real home, solidified this family, brought laughter and smiles. He has brought a renewed strength to all of us.
Another is the joy of again having contact with my beautiful daughter. There has been a part of me that has been so empty without her in my life. The day she contacted me my heart beat so fast with the happiness it felt. She never should have been taken from my life but now that she is back in it I am feeling just a little more complete. It is just a joy to learn about her, her interests, how she is learning and growing. I hate that I speak to her only a few times a month thanks to the department. But it is better then no contact. I am hoping that in the new year we will finally be able to see each other face to face. That I can finally hug her and tell her in person how much I love her. That she can finally meet her new brother and hold him and get to know him as she has a right too as his big sister.
Another joy is having my children's rescuer back in my life. I had not seen her since I was a teen but the day she contacted me brought some closure to what I knew must have been going on. She helped to get my children to a safer place physically. Without her I firmly believe that my mother would have finally succeeded in at the very least permanently physically scaring one of them or at the worst killing one of them. She was their Saviour and for that will always be considered close family and welcome in our home. She has also helped to confirm so many memories of my past that my mother either tried to warp or deny to make me look or feel crazy. This has helped a great deal.
Another joy is my dad. Finally having my dad back in my life is huge. I have a family again. And to be honest I sometimes have no idea how to feel about that. I am not used to a real family who wants me just for me. Nothing else. He has confirmed many things including that my mother lied on the stand in court and to the psychologist who did the parental assessment. She stated to both that I was severely violent as a child and that as an adult I presented as normal but was actually violent. All totally untrue. I was never violent. I was the opposite. I spent a lot of time rescuing animals, was shy and quiet and was my dad's shadow when he was home. I was glued to him, why? Because I saw him as safety from my mother. He confirmed that all she said was totally untrue. Proof that she perjured herself on the stand. I wish he had been at the trial. Things would have been so different then.
What do I hope this year brings? Many things. I hope to see my daughter. A home run for me would be her coming home. I hope to see my sons. I hope they don't get adopted because the family could refuse any contact with me and continue to allow my sons to believe the lies my mother told them. A home run for me with my sons is they too come home permanently. But at the very least I hope to have regular visits with them. I hope they all get to meet their new brother. They are siblings and deserve to know each other as that. I hope to get to meet my dad in person again and get to know him again. After 26yrs apart it has been too long. But a trip like that might be impossible for this year. We are trying but it might not happen.
I hope this year ends my mothers rain of terror and destruction for so many finally. I hope my family is finally reunited and she is finally out of it forever. I hope this is the year that starts the beginning of a new and happier chapter for all of us.
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