Thursday, April 4, 2013

An Entry By My Daughter: I Have Found My Miracle

My daughter asked me to post this on her behalf. 

"I was raised to believe that I was worthless, that I did nothing right, that I would never have good things in life. Well, I was raised wrong.

Life can be hard, life can be great, but my life, well, my life has just turned for the best.
I have met my littlest brother, I have held him in my arms, I have made him smile within five minutes. I have been held in my mother's arms for the first time in over four years, I have laughed with my mother over the weirdest things, I have rested my head on her shoulder. I have laughed with my step dad to be, I have been held in his arms, I have listened to all that he had to say. I have found heaven in a world of hell, I have felt a mother's love once more, I have found my own miracle.

All my life I prayed for a miracle to come and show me that they cared, no matter what. A miracle to show love and guidance in a world that had none. I found mine once again after losing it. That miracle is my mother, my friend, my miracle.

Life can be hard and miserable. Whenever I hear someone complain about how their parents yell at them, I always shake my head and think, "you don't even know how easy your life is."

But as long as my miracle is there, I can always find love and guidance. I have found my light ray of hope in a world of darkness. That ray will always be my mother."

Her entry brought tears to my eyes.  I hate what she has been through the past 5yrs.  But no matter what I will be her rock.  Our home will be her soft, safe place to fall.  She was never worthless.  She radiated such love, joy, strength and so many other wonderful things that my mother was jealous and had to try and destroy it.  But in trying to do that my daughter proved just how much stronger she is.  My daughter is defiantely an inspiration to me.

I also wanted to post some of the poems she wrote and gave to me yesterday.  I asked her permission and she granted it.  She is such a wonderful write.  So here are some of the poems she has honored me with:

Poem one: " MOM
When I am home in bed
I can remember what you said
All those "I Love You's"
and those "I Love You Too's"
They never mattered to me
What matters is the smiles I see

I see that you are kind
both with your actions and your mind
with all the creatures.
You've got such nice features.
Your kindness shows through and through
I will always want to be like you
I love you mom."

This poem helped me to see the strength of my daughter.  My mother tried to make it sound like to be like me was the worst thing my daughter could be.  Instead my daughter saw through her cruelty.  I am so honoured that she wants to be like me.  I do hope she grows up to have some parts of me.  But I can't wait to see who she becomes. 

Poem two: "Family
to me family matters
I hate it when it shatters.
It makes the sky fall down,
and I feel like I'm gonna drown.
But then it rises up,
like water in a cup.
When you say "I love you,"
I have to say I love you too."

I do hate that my ex and I could not keep our family whole for our children but it was not health or meant to be.  Some times two people just can't be together.  No matter what though she has a family.  One that she never has to worry about being abused.  One where she is safe to make mistakes and try agian.  One where she is loved and wanted.  No matter what she had been told she now knows she has a real family.

Poem three:  "A Mother
A mother should be a friend
to help the wounds mend.
You were always there
for your experiences to share.
But after I stopped wanting it,
but now here I sit
Thinking about how I ruined life
and how you were a good mother and wife.
You were there when I was down
And I wouldn't frown.
I want you to be here
and feel your love near.
All I can say
you make my day."

No matter what, to all who read this blog, know this so that some day my daughter may know this.  She did not ruin anything.  She was/is a child/young lady.  She had to make choices that no child should have ever had to make just to survive one more day.  No one can blame her for those choices.  The blame belongs on one person and that is her grandmother.  She is the one who ruins lives.  If she had done to adults what she had done to all those children she would have been in jail for assualt and battery at the very least.  It is a crime that she walks free while this beautiful young lady feels the guilt that her grandmother never feels.  Reguardless of how I was raised I know what it is to love and my children are loved and always will be.  My arms and home are always here for them. 

Poem four:  "US
I can see,
you are like the sea.
The sea is a mystery,
Your love has a history.
You and I have the same eyes,
and tears when either cries.
I am your daughter
and you are my mother."

This one made me cry.  I hate that she has endured so many of the same things I did.  And them some things no one had before her.  I hate that we share those kinds of experiences.  No child should endure those things.  And I do cry for her pain, for her fear, for her lonely nights.  Her tears are my tears.  And she is right I am her mother and my love for her will never die.

Poem five:  "Mother's Touch
When I feel lonely,
lonely and all alone;
I crave for that mothers touch,
mother's touch that sooths me.
I crave for my mother's arms;
Mother's arms that bring me close.
I crave for my mother's voice;
Mother's voice that always calms me.
When I feel happy;
happy and all joyful;
I crave for that mother's touch
that only my mother can give."

This brought to my mind images of my daughter as a baby, rocking her to sleep, as a toddler and soothing her after she would skin her knee, cuddling her after a nightmare letting her know the mosters are not real and she is safe.  Sadly she did meet a real life monster and I was not there to chase it away.  And for that I will always be sorry.  But she is no longer that little girl.  She no longer fits on my lap like she used to.  But that does not change that fact that I can still hold her till she feels safe agian, hug her till she knows she is loved.  I missed so much and have a lot to catch up on but I have strong shoulders and will be here for as long as she needs me.

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