In my dreams I still hear your giggles, still feel the warmth of your hugs, still see the light of happiness in your eyes. In my dreams you are so very real that I wish I could pick you both up out of them and bring you into my day. I miss you so much my dear sons that my heart aches, my breath catches when I talk about you, my eyes burn with tears at the thought of you.
I don't know how your day is anymore, I don't know what shoe size you wear, I can't mark on the wall your growth. I can't tuck you in at night and laugh as you beg for another story. I can't kiss the tears away when you are hurt. I can't watch you get messy as I teach you how to cook. There is so much that I am missing. So much that is so important that I am no longer a part of.
There are three very important seats at our table that are empty and will never feel right till you and your sister fill them. I am saddened that your little brother doesn't have the chance right now to know you both. To have the wonderful big brothers, that you two are, in his life. To learn from you, to argue with you, to tease each other, to get into trouble with each other. We are all missing so much.
I don't know who or what the family you are staying with is like. I hope they are telling you both about us. I hope they have told you both about your brother. I hope they know how much you are missed by us, loved by us, wanted by us. I hope they can open up their hearts and see that you belong here. That our family was ripped apart because of lies and kept apart so the powers that be don't have to admit their mistakes.
My greatest fear is to never see you again. Never hear either of you call me mom again. To hear that you call someone else mom. That someone else gets to take that role in your life. That you grow into who you are without me or your siblings in your lives. You are my sons. You will always be my sons. You have always been wanted and loved by me.
I don't know how to bring you back home. I don't know how to make the powers that be see that you should come home. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could just wake up and this all be a bad dream and have you all in my arms again.
If you ever get a chance to read this I hope you can see that you are loved, you do have a family, you do have a mother. I am here my sons. I wish you were too.
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