Monday, December 13, 2010

The Angels In My Life

Someone pointed out that it seemed unbelievable that everyone in my life would be this against me.  The truth is I have had many angels in my life.  Many people who have been there for me in so many ways.  I have yet to write about them because I was needing to get some of the crap out first but they deserve to be mentioned.  And I want them mentioned as most of them are still very important parts of my life.

The person who had the biggest influence during my youngest years was my first step dad.  And he has already been mentioned in one of the posts.  The next person was someone I called Nana.  She was an older lady I met when I was 21, in a play and newly pregnant.  She was living with her father and caring for him.  She had no husband and two grown sons.  And she had the worlds biggest heart.  We were not related in any way.  But she took me under her wing.  She helped me in so many ways.  When I had my daughter she would show up with a trunk full of groceries or take us out to lunch.  She told everyone my daughter was her granddaughter and treated her as such.  She was the closest person I had to a mother that I ever got.  She was always they for a shoulder to cry on, vent too, help with baby sitting and so on.  She was the type of person that always gave and asked nothing in return.  She loved to love people.  And I wanted so much to be just like her.  When I got married and she saw some of the abuse that was going on she tried to convince me to leave.  My husband was doing all he could to keep her out of my life but we still managed calls and a few visits a year.  I should have listened to her advise.  Sadly she got Cancer and passed away in April of 2005.  But in my home where we have pictures of our parents I do not have a picture of my mother.  I have a picture of Nana.  She will always have that place of honour.

Another big influence in my life was a friend I made when I first moved to this province.  He and I became fast friends.  Tried a romantic relationship for a few months and found out we are better friends then anything.  He is the type of friend where we can go without talking for months at a time and then will call each other out of the blue and take up where we left off.  He is the type of person that if I ever am in a bind I know I can call him and he will do all he can to help me.  And he knows he can and has done the same with me.  He is the type of friend that while I was with my husband, and my husband was trying to keep me isolated, he ignored it.  He would show up randomly to not just check on me but also visit the kids.  One memorable experience is when he showed up with a fire truck.  A real one for my kids to explore.  I will never forget that day and neither have my kids.  I found out that while I was with my husband there were many times my spouse tried to threaten him to keep him away.  He never listened and for that I will be eternally grateful.  He is a single dad and has been for a long time.  He son is incredibly intelligent and mature for his age.  I feel so privileged to have both of them in my life.

Another big influence in my life is a dear friend that I met on a forum I am on.  I have known her for many years.  She was a shoulder to cry on and a place to vent.  She is someone who offered unbias advice that was heart felt and good advice that I didn't always listen too.  I made so many wrong choices even with having people like her and Nana trying their best to give me good advice.  I just refused to open my eyes.  This person knew some of what was happening but I kept a lot of it from her for fear of loosing her respect.  She tried so hard to help me deal with my husbands addictions and to not blame myself for those addictions or his choices.  When things went south in the marriage and I had no money for gifts she asked her friends for donations and showed up one day with a box full of toys and decorations.  That was one of the best Christmases though I don't think she knows it.  I could never imagine my life without her in it.  She is like the older sister that I can always turn too.  I try my best to reciprocate. 

There are many others I have met this past year.  All of these ones I have known them for only a short period but they have been such a support to me.  The feeling of acceptance is wonderful.  And they all know what my past was like and they treat me no different.  The support I receive from them is incredible.  They are cheering me on in this project and also helping in the wings of it.  For them, and they know who they are, my life would not be complete without them.  There are others not mentioned that were a support through the years.  Some of the puppy adopters, the rescues I worked for, some people in the LDS church.  I could go on and on. 

All of these people mentioned and not mentioned are angels in my life.  I have many.  I am sorry that almost all of my posts are so negative.  I needed to get the big nasty stuff off my chest first before I could share some of the wonders and joys that were hidden under them. 

And one last thing.  Some people(only a handful compared to the people supporting me and have contacted me) feel that some things are better left unsaid.  Hidden away so others do not have to deal with it.  Maybe it makes them uncomfortable, maybe they can't accept that people can be that cruel to not only adults but children as well. I don't know. But just about all of it is verifiable. So it is not just my word people are accepting.  And this story has not just been my story of suffering but also the story of the step kids and my children as well. 

It is there and continuing because it is part of my therapy. It is there and continuing because it is helping me to get it out there and it might help others. I have received many responses from others who have suffered thanking me for not only getting it out there but for giving them the strength for having a voice as well.  Yes some things should be kept private. but never abuse. Abusers want silence. They love silence. It gives them the ability to continue what they love. I will no longer be their silent victim. I will no longer be silent.

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1 comment:

  1. VERY proud of you Nicole and KEEP talking...silence is NOT always golden....I love you xo