With tomorrow being Mother's Day I am finding that there is a war going on within my heart. I have so much to be thankful for. One of which is my new son. He is such a joy in my life. He has reminded me so much of why I love being a mom. He has reminded me to slow down and to see things again through the eyes of one newly experiencing life. He has brought challenges as well as smiles. He is now 6 months old and I could not imagine this home without him. He has learned how to say Mom and Ma Ma, how to wave bye, how to sit up and so many other things. He has his first tooth now too. The last few Mother's Days have been so cold and quiet. But having him here helps me to feel the joy of what that day means. And that is something I have not felt for so long.
Another sweet part is my daughter. I don't get to see her this Mother's Day but I do get to see her a few days later. Something I never thought was possible last year. She is my first child. The first one to show me the amazing things that can only happen by being a mother. She was the first one to show me that a babies smile can brighten the worst of days. She was the first one to show me that a gentle squeeze from tiny arms can warm even the coldest day. I always feel like I learn just as much from my children as they might be learning from me. And she taught me a lot. She continues to show me what an incredibly resilient young lady she is. How strong and mature she is becoming. I am so proud of her. And can't wait to give her a hug when I see her again.
The Bitter part is that there are two more parts to my heart that are missing. My new son and my daughter take up half of my heart and my other two sons take up the other half. I can't feel complete without them. The idea that my two sons will be celebrating Mother's Day with a different family brings me to tears. They are a part of my soul. They will always belong here with me, with their brother and sister. I hope some day the family they are with will see in their hearts that they belong here. That they were ripped from their family because of someones sick idea of revenge, lies and to cover up the massive mistakes of the governing bodies that were suppose to protect them but instead tore them from their love and safety and placed them in the depths of hell.
I hope next year a miracle will have happened and they will be home. No matter the occasion or the holiday that will always be my main wish. The perfect gift. Children's Services disagree. They told me a couple of weeks ago that I am not living in reality. That I will not stop your adoption. That you are not my children and you belong to someone else. You are not puppies that someone gave away. Though it seems to Childrens Services that you are. You are my sons. You will always be my sons no matter what a piece of paper says. I will never stop trying to bring you home. I will never stop trying to find you. I will jump through any obstacle to bring you back home. Some day I hope you will see this and know that all you were told and lead to believe is not true. You are always wanted and loved by me.
To all the moms out there who are lucky enough to be surrounded by your children on this day please know just how blessed you are. Please hug each and every one of your children knowing that there are moms out there that can't and wish they could.
To my sons- I love you more then you could ever know. I never stopped fighting to bring you home. I never stopped loving you. You have a home here. You always have. You have a family here. You always will. We will be a family some day. I promise. I don't know how. I don't know when. But I do believe that at some point our miracle will happen. Someone will step forward and help us to bring you home. I have to believe that all our suffering will come to an end and we will all be a family again.
I know tomorrow for me will bring many smiles and many tears. Happy Mother's Day to all the deserving, loving mothers out there.
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