Thursday, October 3, 2013

You Can Cut Siblings From Their Lives But Not From Their Minds

Well as my regular readers can see, my sons b-days are fast approaching.  I have everything for their b-days except communication with their worker.  There has been no communication with her.  I have sent 4 emails in the past 4 weeks and have not gotten even one reply back.  This is what I have been sending:

"This is email #4 addressing this matter.  I am emailing you, since you are my sons worker, about concerns my daughter has.  She has made repeated requests to her previous worker, foster caregiver and even to her advocate to have phone contact and visits with her brothers.  She has made these requests all spring and summer only to be bypassed or refused for some reason or another.  Now she is being told that she is not allowed to even call them.  She has not been allowed to call them since late spring.  She is being told by her foster caregiver that she must first email the people who have her brothers to ask permission.  This email must be approved first by the foster caregiver.  She is very upset that she was promised that contact between her and her brothers would never be stopped and now that is exactly what is happening.  She wants to have at least one call a week and at least a few visits a year.  They are siblings and have a bond that it seems everyone is trying to break.  This can be very negative mentally on all of them if contact is cut.  It can be akin to suffering a death of a sibling and can have long lasting affects.  So I am making this request through you since all her avenues seem to be blocked.  Could you please request of the family who has my sons to call and have weekly contact between them?  This would be greatly appreciated.  My daughters new worker says she is also trying to contact you about this issue. 

I also would like to know if I send birthday gifts to my sons if they will be given to my sons along with the address of where to send them.  Last year I sent b-day and Christmas gifts to them only to learn later that they were left on a workers shelf and not given to them.  We have their birthday gifts and would like to send them but don't want them sitting on a self.  I would appreciate you communicating with me on this matter.  My oldest sons 9th b-day is coming up in less then 2 weeks. So would appreciate a prompt reply.  THank you.
Awaiting your reply"

I have even tried calling and all I get is her voice mail, which is full, stating that she is away for part of August.  It is now October and still nothing.  So I emailed the workers supervisor this morning.  I am not the least bit surprised.  This is what has gone on with just about every single worker I have dealt with.  They will ignore calls, emails and so on and then claim that I am the one refusing communication.  Then I get questioned later, on why I suddenly want contact when all along I am being ignore.  And while all this is going on my sons are thinking that I have abandoned them or no longer love them.  And I can't imagine what it must be like for them losing their sister as well.  Especially since studies show that it can have long term negative effects.

"Siblings placed separately may show more aggression and be more depressed
than children who are placed with siblings (Smith, 1998). These two factors
may be related in that children who have fewer interpersonal skills may
experience greater conflict while together and then more aggression or
depression when separated from their siblings."

"Children deprived of their sibling relationships may react
behaviorally and emotionally, showing signs of guilt, a loss of self-esteem,
grief, anger and acting out, anxiety, developmental setbacks (especially
in identity formation), and depression (Tarren-Sweeney & Hazell, 2005;
Herrick & Piccus, 2005)."

"The emotional and behavioral symptoms of children who have been
separated from their siblings in care may resemble the symptoms of children
experiencing the death of a parent or sibling. Many children in foster care
experience multiple losses, which include the loss of parents, of home, of
siblings, of school, of peers, and of their role within the family system.
These losses are seldom acknowledged by others, leaving the children with
disenfranchised, or, as Boss (1999) terms it, ambiguous grief; this is a grief
that has no name, no rituals, and sometimes no end. DeVita-Raeburn (2004)
warns that such losses, unacknowledged by others, can create a life of ennui
ranging from strained relationships and dissatisfaction to self-destructive or
even suicidal behaviors."

My oldest son has shown this to be true.  He became violent when they cut me out of his life and then has become progressively worse.  The family who has them knows that the root cause is that he wants me.  He has stated that after one of his melt downs.  But did they even attempt to contact me?  No.  And now they are not even aiding in communication between his sister and both of them.  And this is suppose to be a family that cares about him? 

Come on.  These are not puppies.  You can't take them from all they know and love, give them a new family and tell them to forget everything and just love the new family.  Even if they are nice people.  Children don't work that way.  Just because the people who has them want to pretend that they are their sons and that they have no other siblings; does not mean that is what my sons will do, feel or think.  You can't just erase their memories, their hopes, their dreams.  If they truly care for my sons they would contact at the very least their sister to keep that communication open.  But they are not. 

Back in the spring my daughters foster caregiver asked me if she could give the blog address and the facebook page with the pictures and videos to the family who has my sons.  I said yes.  She let me know she did.  She even let me know that they did not like the fact that the pictures of my middle son when my mother had him in a starved condition(2 1/2 yrs old and 25lbs when he should have been at least 35lbs based on his height and age).  So if what the foster caregiver has said to me is true then they know what is going on.  And they are choosing to ignore the very important emotional needs of my two sons whom they claim they care about.  Between the workers refusal to communicate and the people who have my sons refusal to consider the long term impact of cutting my childrens ties not just with me but with my daughter, even with my daughters new worker admitting in writing that this case was mishandled.  It leaves me with the only conclusion being is that they really don't care about my sons.  Only about having a family and not the individual needs of the children.  That is truly very sad.  Then add to that when my sons grow up and learn the truth of everything.  How do they think my sons will look at them?  Do they think that they won't be angry, resentful and many other things for having the truth kept from them and being kept away from the family they love?  And they will learn the truth.  Truth has a way of always coming to light.
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  1. I hope the supervisor can help you with this!

  2. she needs a good lawyer, screw the supervisor at CAS they are all in it together, all they care about is themselves. CAS is just a business and the kids are the product, like livestock.