Monday, October 12, 2015

MY Oldest Sons 11th Birthday

Happy Birthday MY son.  I so hope you have a wonderful day.  This birthday is an amazing one because it falls in the same time as the year of your birth.  You were born the day after Thanksgiving on a Monday.  Just like today.  Yesterday was Thanksgiving, the year you were born we spent Thanksgiving day at some of your extended families.  I remember that day vividly.  There were a lot of people there.  Tons of really yummy food.  But I could not eat.  I was so tired.  Not hungry at all and very uncomfortable.  We stayed as long as we could and then I went home to rest.  The next morning I went from uncomfortable to labor.  And then 13hours later you were born.  This absolutely perfect little baby boy.  Who was so much like me in so many ways.

When your sister was born she was independent right from the start.  She wanted to do everything herself, loved things a certain way, liked animals but could take them or leave them.  Very much a girly girl where I was a tom boy.  You on the other hand was my little cuddler.  You were independent too but you preferred me to be close by so you could show me your accomplishments.  You love to explore and you were fearless.  You adored animals.  Especially the dogs and especially Sheena.  From the second you entered the house from the hospital you and Sheena were inseparable.  I put your car seat on the floor and a little treat at the end of it near your feet.  She came over and sniffed you and you grabbed her nose.  She just licked your hand and laid down next to the carrier.  I don't know how she knew but she knew you could not make any sounds from swallowing the birth fluid during birth.  When you would sleep she would camp outside of your door and alert me as soon as you woke up since even the baby monitor could not pick up your sounds for the first month.  She followed you around that house no matter where I would carry you too.  If I was breast feeding you in your room she would sleep under the crib.  If I was changing you she would sit next to the changing table.  If you were in your playpen she would lay right next to it.  If anyone was holding you she would sit right next to them.  Many times she would put her head within reach of your hands for you to grab her fur or for her to sneak a kiss.  As soon as you could sit up and roll yourself around your goal was always to make your way to Sheena.  You loved the feel of her fur in your hands.  She would bring you her toys and even her own for you to grab and feel. 

Once you could crawl more adventure between the two of you started to happen.  She would follow you where ever you would go.  She would whine if she felt the freedom I gave you to explore or try things was too much in her mind.  She was so protective of you.  At this point you noticed her crate that we kept in the living room for her to have personal space.  If Sheena was in there you would garb your blanket or a favorite toy and crawl over and climb in.  You would all curl up together and take a nap.  She would not move a muscle till you woke up other then to kiss a hand or your forehead.  This was a multiple daily occurrence all the way up to the day you were removed.  When you started to learn to stand and then walk you did it by first pulling yourself up along her side as she would slowly stand up next to you.  Then you would hold her tail or the fur on her side or shoulder and she would slowly move forward.  At this point the real adventure began. 

You quickly discovered that anything you threw she would retrieve for you without a thought.  You would throw toys or anything you could find over and over again and squeal with joy each and every time she brought it back to you.  When I was teaching you to clean your room you learned quickly if you pointed at something she would get it for you making room cleaning fun.  When you started to talk you called her Eena.  When you could say words like Tay(stay), it(sit) I started to teach you basic commands.  It was so fun to see you light up with joy as you would give her commands at 20 months old and this huge dog would listen.  You started feeding her yourself, with adult supervision of course.  You would tell her to It and Tay and she would sit and stay.  Then you would help me fill the dishes.  Then you would stand in front of her and swing your arm down as you tried to say OK releasing her to eat. 

At two you were learning to walk her around the yard on leash and she would walk perfectly next to your side.  You would always get so happy as strangers walked by commenting on what a great little dog trainer you were.  You would stop and she would sit and nuzzle your hand for attention.  You wanted to learn so much about dog training and I was happy to show you.  My passion has always been training dogs.  I have been doing it since I was younger then 8yrs.  Isabeau was a story teller right from the time she could talk and then write.  I knew she would be a writer.  You had my passion and adoration for dogs right from birth.  Just like me.  I knew you were going to work with them or animals.  You had the quiet personality to help animals feel calm and trust you.  You had the patience needed to give the dog a chance to figure out what to do even at 2 all the way up to 6yrs and from testimony on the stand even now.  You were never mean or cruel. 

Sheena was your first dog.  Even when you were removed and we had visits Sheena was one of the first things you asked about on the phone.  You always begged me to bring her to pick you up or drop you off.  You would beg to let her come back to your grandparents with you. I knew it was so you would feel safe and protected.  You knew they could not hurt you if Sheena was there.  During visits she was the first one you hugged when you ran to the door and she always whined and cried as soon as she saw you.  Her whole body shivering with excitement.  You were her little boy.  When you hear the term "A Boy and His Dog." you and Sheena were the perfect example of that.  She was 10 months older then you when you were born.  We can still to this day ask her "Where is Dedders?(your nick name) and she will search the house and look outside whining for you. 

When she had puppies she let you around them within days.  She trusted you completely.  Every morning you would wake up and run to her whelping box to check on the pups.  You loved to sit on the floor and play with them no matter where they were.  Sheena would lay near you or on a piece of furniture watching you and the puppies totally relaxed.  You never hurt them.  You were never rough.  You would giggle most of the day with them.

She is 11 now.  She will be turning 12 this December.  With this trial over we know there is no chance for you to ever say good-bye to your dog.  No one has taken any of that into consideration.  And I know you are holding your memories of her, your sister and me close to your heart where no one can hurt them or take them.  I know like your sister did at that same age that you are telling people what they want to hear instead of what you truly feel.  Because every time you begged for me, every time you begged for your sister and every time you begged for your dog they were all ripped from you.  You learned to not let those feelings known so as to not lose anyone else.  Your sister did the same and it is actually quite normal after all that has been done to you.  All you heard was lies when you would ask about any of us and then lose us.  I know our memories are still in your head though.  As testified at the trial you are still asking to come home to us.  No matter what people want to assume you remember about us(or are hoping you are) we all know it is not the case at all.  We understand.  We love you no matter what and we know some day when you can, like you sister did, you will seek us out.

At the trial your worker testified that the couple you are with does not like me posting your birthday posts, or any posts to you or your brother.  They tried to make it out to be something sick, something wrong.  They want me to see a piece of paper as their ownership of you.  But I know they can't own your heart and what makes you you.   I will never recognize a piece of paper as me no longer being your mom.  I don't care if you find me now or 20yrs from now.  I will always be your mom.  Your first and only mom.  I have been cleared of ever abusing you.  Cleared.  Which means I never did.  People lied about that and continue to lie to you about that.  I have also been deemed fit and proved I have been fit all along.  So when you have been told over and over again that I could not care for you or your brother someday you will learn it was all lies so they could legally kidnap you and give you to someone else.  Adoption is not suppose to be stealing children from loving parents who never hurt their children and could care for their children.  Which is what was done to you and your brother.

Know when you read this that you are loved by me and our entire family.  You and your brother always are talked about, always are made a part of special occasions and your special days are always celebrated.  We will never stop posting on your special days.  Never.  Or any other time we feel the need to put our thoughts down in writing about you two so we never forget and so you can read it later.  Your sister said reading her birthday entries and all the posts about how we never stopped fighting for all of you really helped her to see how much she is loved and to rebuild her confidence in herself.  I hope the same will be for you and your brother. 

No matter where you are sweetheart know you are my son.  Know you are my heart.  I wish I could give you the opportunity to say goodbye to Sheena before she passes.  I don't know how many years she has left.  Every puppy from the litter she was born in has passed.  The last one over a year ago.  But I also know after testimony of how the couple you are with perceives me and your sister from lies, that you will never be allowed willingly to contact us.  They lied to your sisters face and continue to lie to yours and your brothers.  But those lies won't hold for long and I am patient.  I had to fight for 7yrs to clear my name.  And I have no problem waiting for you and your brother to find me and learn the truth.  The truth has a way of always coming to light.

Your home is here and we are waiting for you and loving you.  Have a great b-day son.  You are loved beyond words.

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  1. Nicole words could express my heart throbs for your losses of your children. I am so very sorry for your loss of your children into foster "uncare" system
    I wish you never had to lose your battle or even have your children taken away from you. My gut aches reading how your life has unfolded.
    I believe and pray as a whole hearted Christian you will have your family along with your children back together.

  2. Happy birthday angel! Love health and a return to family love with abundance forever brave soul! Your mommy is one of our bavest souls on this earth! One day your and her light will unite you both back together! But right now your mommy is making miracles for other angels so they don't live away from family.💖! Her brave heart is clearing the way FOR LOVE TO ALWAYS WIN!