And in we I mean the step kids and I. A lot has gone on the past several weeks. A lot of really bad news and slightly good news. When I first started writing this blog, just about 2yrs ago it was for three main intentions. One was to help me heal from all I had been through. All my life I had done what many abuse victims did. Protect the abuser, hide what they were doing, own the abusers actions and blame myself. In writing this blog and finally getting some of it out there I was forcing myself to end that cycle and hopefully if other abuse victims saw it they in turn would get courage to stand up too. Another reason was to give the step kids a voice. To validate that what they went through was real, that they were not crazy as so many were being lead to believe, and that they did not deserve any of it. And the third, final and biggest reason was the hope that someone somewhere would read it, see the truth in it and offer to help my kids in some way. To save them as I had saved the step kids.
The scary thing, and sad thing, is that someone did save my kids and not from reading my blog. But the way was so similar to how I had to save the step kids so many years ago that it was shocking. Yes you read that right. My kids are now more safe. I will not say totally safe, but they are now away from my mother. She can not directly hurt them any more.
This is the lead up post that I am doing to lead into what has happened. Each of my kids will have their own entry describing what they had to endure. The last I posted was about losing the court trial because of lies and then my visits being not just cut in half but denied and ignored to the point that I never saw them again after that last visit just before the trial almost 2yrs ago. Any presents, cards and so on that I sent were sent back as undeliverable. Nothing I tried worked. I and the step kids knew what was happening to them but no one would listen, no one would do anything, no one would believe us. We hit a brick wall with no options that we could see.
Fast forward to the end of August this year. My partner of 3yrs and I were having a typical day. He had been to work and I was home. He had just called to say he was on his way home, his work being only 15 minutes away. I went to my computer to check my emails. Now remember I have heard nothing from anyone about my children. As far as I knew they were still being tortured by my mother and under her care. This is what I sat down to:
" I just wanted you to know that your children are safe, I turned your mom in to child services a year ago this past April and she will never have the children again!! They are in foster care.....I know how worried you were that they were with your mom, well that worry is gone now...she and her husband are also divorcing...I hate to say it but I never realized how psychotic your mom is and I am deeply deeply sorry for all the pain she has caused you........."
For those that have read my blog through you will remember the post I did about my mother leaving her 3rd husband and going to another province to live with a friend and her two kids. This was sent to me by that friend. I was in total shock. A part of me knew that my kids were being tortured as I and the step kids had but to have it confirmed in such a huge way was something I was not prepared for. I didn't reply. I walked out onto our deck just as my partner drove up. He got out of the truck and walked into the yard. Then he looked at me. He said I was white as a ghost. He came running at me asking what was wrong. I told him my kids were in foster care and then broke down. From relief, stress, worry, concern. So many emotions I can't even list them all. He just held me. After a few minutes we went back into the house and I read the message to him. He and I did have some concern as to whether this was a trap. My mother was great at convincing people to play mind games. But since that day she has given us conformation about so many things, put me in touch with several peoples, including the step dad I loved so dearly who has completely welcomed me into his life with open arms.
The details of what my children have endured, at least partial(more and more is coming out as more and more comes to mind) will be posted in their own posts. Long story short this woman that contacted me was my children's rescuer and Savior and went through hell to get them out. She moved in with my mother after health concerns and until she could save up and get her own place, about 2 weeks before the verdict was read in December of 2010. She had been lead to believe that I was schizophrenic(no surprise there) along with other scary mental health disorders and that my partner was also unsafe to be around children. Within a few days/weeks of living there she started to witness, and tried to intervene on some horrific abuse. Some of it was similar to what the step kids and I went through and some of it was worse. She was there till April of 2011. So 5 months. In those 5 months she tried 3 times to report it to the workers that were the ones working with my kids. Only to be ignored. Then after one really sickening incident she went over their heads and contacted the main people in charge. 2 weeks later my kids were removed. My daughter and oldest son from school and my youngest son from the home.
All of this makes me so frustrated and angry. Not one person from the workers, judge or so on choose to contact me. Not one. 5 months after the verdict where the judge stated that to remove the kids from the grandmother would be detrimental to their mental health, the same judge oversaw my mother in court telling her "you know why the kids are being removed don't you." They had the proof right there in their faces that all the accusations they based their entire case on, all the testimony my mother gave in court, the lies she sent to the parental assessment psychologist and so on was all falsehoods designed to keep the kids with her so she could abuse them, not because I was unfit. They had all the proof they needed and yet did they contact me? No. Not once. They knew how, they always had my address, email and such. Instead they went into foster care. They offered them even to my sister but not me, their mother.
Sadly they are all in separate homes and separate cities. My daughter is still in contact with her rescuer(I will be doing an entry, with her permission, just on her so you all can see just how much she suffered in trying to protect and save my children) so I am pretty sure where she is, my youngest the lady who rescued them saw a few weeks ago so we are pretty sure where he is but my oldest son we have no idea where he is.
The things my children were told about me, my partner, and had to emotionally and physically endure is just horrific. Yet this woman(my mother) has not been charged with anything. Yes you read that right. She again successfully abused children and again successfully has gotten away with it. Making herself out to be the victim yet again and another set of children to have supposed huge mental health issues. How can one woman do what she has done to 3 generations(me, the step kids and now my kids) and still be allowed around children, still have respect in society, her religion and so on? She has done things to all of us that will affect us all for the rest of our lives and gets to walk away? Yet my children and I are still apart? How does any of this make any sense? How is this justice? It is sickening.
I will update as I learn more, as we try and get legal aid again to try and get them back and so on. But this is where things stand. Just as I and the step kids said it would. Hug your children please because it is such a blessing that you can.
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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
My Oldest Son Is Another Year Older
My sweet oldest son is turning 8yrs old today. 8. WOW. Which means it has been just about 2 whole years since I have last seen you, hugged you, let you know how much you are loved, missed, wanted and just how special you are. I have not forgotten you my son. I never could. I never could forget your smile that would not only light up your entire face but an entire room. I could never forget your beautiful laugh that could affect everyone around you and brighten their hearts. I could never forget your hugs that could make even the cloudiest day bright.
This year is harder because thanks to a very dear friend and your rescuer, who I have known since I was a young child, I have found out that you have gone through so much pain. Emotional, physical and psychological pain. Pain no child should have to endure. I want you to know that I know you miss me. I miss you too. Nothing your grandma could say or do will change that. I never wanted to be erased from your life and will be striving even harder to see you as soon as I can.
You have done nothing wrong. I know you hurt in ways people can not see any more. I wish I could place my arms around you and help you to feel safe and loved. I wish I could let you know you are allowed to feel the way you do. I wish I could let you know that you are special, even now. I wish I could put the smile back on your face that you used to always have. I hope to be able to do that soon.
I have not forgotten you my son. Neither has Donald Duck(I know you know who I mean). We know today is your B-day. We love you. I hope that some how at some time you will see this and know this. I am so thankful that you are no longer suffering at your grandma's hands and voice. And I am so sorry you went through all that you have, no child deserves what you had to endure. Happy B-day son. Hopefully this year we can make some of your dreams come true.
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This year is harder because thanks to a very dear friend and your rescuer, who I have known since I was a young child, I have found out that you have gone through so much pain. Emotional, physical and psychological pain. Pain no child should have to endure. I want you to know that I know you miss me. I miss you too. Nothing your grandma could say or do will change that. I never wanted to be erased from your life and will be striving even harder to see you as soon as I can.
You have done nothing wrong. I know you hurt in ways people can not see any more. I wish I could place my arms around you and help you to feel safe and loved. I wish I could let you know you are allowed to feel the way you do. I wish I could let you know that you are special, even now. I wish I could put the smile back on your face that you used to always have. I hope to be able to do that soon.
I have not forgotten you my son. Neither has Donald Duck(I know you know who I mean). We know today is your B-day. We love you. I hope that some how at some time you will see this and know this. I am so thankful that you are no longer suffering at your grandma's hands and voice. And I am so sorry you went through all that you have, no child deserves what you had to endure. Happy B-day son. Hopefully this year we can make some of your dreams come true.
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Saturday, September 15, 2012
Amazing Things Happen When We Least Expect Them
Or you could say when we need them most. Been a long time since I posted last. Had a hard struggle with my emotions after losing the trial and had to take a break. A break that turn into a long journey. There have been some negatives that have happened in the past year and a half and some positives. But today is about one of the miracles.
An interesting turn of events has brought a huge miracle into my life. For those who have read the blog through you will remember the post I did about my mothers 3rd husband. The one who raised me from when I was 3-10yrs old. Well after some huge persuasions from my partner and from an unexpected friend I went on a search. And found him. To be honest I was petrified of contacting him. I was raised being told that he didn't want us. The story changing over the years as to why my mother left, her always the victim of course. And usually me being the main reason why, not a good enough daughter, causing too many fights between them and so on. None of which I believed fully though a part of me did think no one was capable of loving me or wanting me in their lives.
He has made it clear that he still considers me family. Still considers me his daughter. A man that has no biological connection to me. A man who has no reason to have to have anything to do with me. I feel very overwhelmed in some ways and very humble in others. Family was something I thought I came to terms with that I would never have. Always seemed like a distant dream. Something I got to have for such a short period of time only to have it ripped away when I was so young and vunerable. He has been married to a wonderful woman for a long time and they have several sons. I have brothers now. My kids, though they don't know it, now have uncles and grandparents who won't hurt them. Who will just love them if they get the chance.
After the life I have had for so long part of me is apprehensive of letting anyone in. But this man I only have good memories of. It was his kindness and patience that taught me how I wanted to be a parent. It was the memories of his interactions with me that got me through. As a child when I was being so badly abused I did dream, as many abused kids do, that he would come and rescue me. He never knew of what was going on. I am sure, with no doubt at all, that if he did he would have tried to stop it.
More memories of times with him have come flooding back. One of a doll house he had made for me one Christmas. I found it hidden in a closet before Christmas and played with it. Yup naughty me. lol Another of the many times we built snow forts with my sister. Big ones with several rooms. How we would wet down the snow to make the walls more solid. One thing he didn't know is unlike many girls I was not a fan of Barbies but I loved GI Joes. Why? Because I thought he was the ultimate GI Joe. lol Yes he was a military man. So only home a few months of every year. But when he wasn't and I played with my Joes he was always the leader. lol When I had my kids I knew I wanted to show the same patience he showed me. The same love and understanding.
Sadly he and his family live too far away for us to meet up any time soon but I hope some time in the future we can. Till then we are catching up when time allows. I am an adult now and not the small 10yr old girl that I was. But part of me still feels like that lost little girl who always wanted her dad to come rescue her. I don't need rescueing like that any more but I will always appreciate his advice and example. This really is a small world.
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An interesting turn of events has brought a huge miracle into my life. For those who have read the blog through you will remember the post I did about my mothers 3rd husband. The one who raised me from when I was 3-10yrs old. Well after some huge persuasions from my partner and from an unexpected friend I went on a search. And found him. To be honest I was petrified of contacting him. I was raised being told that he didn't want us. The story changing over the years as to why my mother left, her always the victim of course. And usually me being the main reason why, not a good enough daughter, causing too many fights between them and so on. None of which I believed fully though a part of me did think no one was capable of loving me or wanting me in their lives.
He has made it clear that he still considers me family. Still considers me his daughter. A man that has no biological connection to me. A man who has no reason to have to have anything to do with me. I feel very overwhelmed in some ways and very humble in others. Family was something I thought I came to terms with that I would never have. Always seemed like a distant dream. Something I got to have for such a short period of time only to have it ripped away when I was so young and vunerable. He has been married to a wonderful woman for a long time and they have several sons. I have brothers now. My kids, though they don't know it, now have uncles and grandparents who won't hurt them. Who will just love them if they get the chance.
After the life I have had for so long part of me is apprehensive of letting anyone in. But this man I only have good memories of. It was his kindness and patience that taught me how I wanted to be a parent. It was the memories of his interactions with me that got me through. As a child when I was being so badly abused I did dream, as many abused kids do, that he would come and rescue me. He never knew of what was going on. I am sure, with no doubt at all, that if he did he would have tried to stop it.
More memories of times with him have come flooding back. One of a doll house he had made for me one Christmas. I found it hidden in a closet before Christmas and played with it. Yup naughty me. lol Another of the many times we built snow forts with my sister. Big ones with several rooms. How we would wet down the snow to make the walls more solid. One thing he didn't know is unlike many girls I was not a fan of Barbies but I loved GI Joes. Why? Because I thought he was the ultimate GI Joe. lol Yes he was a military man. So only home a few months of every year. But when he wasn't and I played with my Joes he was always the leader. lol When I had my kids I knew I wanted to show the same patience he showed me. The same love and understanding.
Sadly he and his family live too far away for us to meet up any time soon but I hope some time in the future we can. Till then we are catching up when time allows. I am an adult now and not the small 10yr old girl that I was. But part of me still feels like that lost little girl who always wanted her dad to come rescue her. I don't need rescueing like that any more but I will always appreciate his advice and example. This really is a small world.
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Monday, December 12, 2011
What This Season Is Truly About
After receiving that very nasty email that I last posted about I have been watching my facebook and listening to others and seeing something that saddens me. This is the Holiday Season. For Christians it means celebrating the birth of someone named Jesus. For many non Christians it is the time to show our families and friends, and even strangers how much we love and care for them. Yet I am seeing a war being waged by some that takes away from the feeling of the season no matter what you believe.
For Christians some of them are not only being pushy but down right rude and aggressive. Telling others out right that it is Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays. I have seen people get into all out fights trying to push this issue on others. If you do believe in a God and do celebrate the season as Jesus b-day then do you really think that being this aggressive, insulting, rude or nasty is what he would have wanted? Seriously? Over a choice of a phrase? I thought Jesus was suppose to be about love, acceptance and caring about your fellow man. Instead some Christians seem to have a Holier then Thou attitude and think that being pushy, rude and nasty to force their point of view means they are doing what "Jesus" would want. From what I know being raised in religion that is the opposite. He never forced his views on anyone to my knowledge. People have to accept him of their own choosing. Yet that is not the attitude I am seeing.
Many non Christians see this time of year as the time to celebrate family, friends and strangers just like Christians. Just because they do not believe in a God does not mean that they can't view the Holiday season in a similar way. Yet I see some Christians accusing non Christians as only celebrating the season to get presents and for selfish reasons. Really? Are they seriously thinking that they have the corner on selfless acts because they believe in a God and others don't? I see just as many non Christians as I see Christians donating to the less fortunate during this season. So why do they do it? Because of their religion? Oh wait they don't believe in a God so what religion is telling them to do it? None. Because they are being forced? No. Because of a God? No. Because of a persons b-day? No. They do it simply because they love their fellow man. It is as simple as that. They are not doing it to get rewards in heaven, to please other church members and the like. They do it because that is simply who they are. A loving, caring person who wants to help others for no other reason then that. No holier then thou attitude, no forcing someone to change their wording of how they celebrate the season or so on.
As many reading my blog know I no longer believe in a God. You will also know that there is a lot of sadness in my heart during this time of year since last year at this time is when I got the final verdict that because of lies my children will not be with me and are living with a very abusive woman. But last year a person showed a ton of kindness to us by providing the means for my fiance and I to have a Holiday meal and when the time came that we could afford to pay her back all she asked for was for us to pay it forward. This year we are doing just that. We are helping a large family in need. I don't know if they believe in a God and they don't know if we do. And neither party cares. They are strangers to us but we care about them and their family.
Why did I do this post? Simple. Please stop the fighting over wording. Who cares if someone says Merry Christmas to you or Happy Holidays or some other words that celebrate their feelings this season. Put the energy you seem to have, if these simple words anger you, into donating or helping someone this season. Whether you do it in the name of a God or not. It will warm your heart either way. If someone says Merry Christmas to you smile. If they say Happy Holidays to you smile. If they say other words meant to share their loving feelings this season smile. They saw you as being a person that they care enough about to share their seasonal joy with. So to everyone who frequents my blog.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS. No matter what or how you are celebrating I hope it is full of love, joy and hope.
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For Christians some of them are not only being pushy but down right rude and aggressive. Telling others out right that it is Merry Christmas and not Happy Holidays. I have seen people get into all out fights trying to push this issue on others. If you do believe in a God and do celebrate the season as Jesus b-day then do you really think that being this aggressive, insulting, rude or nasty is what he would have wanted? Seriously? Over a choice of a phrase? I thought Jesus was suppose to be about love, acceptance and caring about your fellow man. Instead some Christians seem to have a Holier then Thou attitude and think that being pushy, rude and nasty to force their point of view means they are doing what "Jesus" would want. From what I know being raised in religion that is the opposite. He never forced his views on anyone to my knowledge. People have to accept him of their own choosing. Yet that is not the attitude I am seeing.
Many non Christians see this time of year as the time to celebrate family, friends and strangers just like Christians. Just because they do not believe in a God does not mean that they can't view the Holiday season in a similar way. Yet I see some Christians accusing non Christians as only celebrating the season to get presents and for selfish reasons. Really? Are they seriously thinking that they have the corner on selfless acts because they believe in a God and others don't? I see just as many non Christians as I see Christians donating to the less fortunate during this season. So why do they do it? Because of their religion? Oh wait they don't believe in a God so what religion is telling them to do it? None. Because they are being forced? No. Because of a God? No. Because of a persons b-day? No. They do it simply because they love their fellow man. It is as simple as that. They are not doing it to get rewards in heaven, to please other church members and the like. They do it because that is simply who they are. A loving, caring person who wants to help others for no other reason then that. No holier then thou attitude, no forcing someone to change their wording of how they celebrate the season or so on.
As many reading my blog know I no longer believe in a God. You will also know that there is a lot of sadness in my heart during this time of year since last year at this time is when I got the final verdict that because of lies my children will not be with me and are living with a very abusive woman. But last year a person showed a ton of kindness to us by providing the means for my fiance and I to have a Holiday meal and when the time came that we could afford to pay her back all she asked for was for us to pay it forward. This year we are doing just that. We are helping a large family in need. I don't know if they believe in a God and they don't know if we do. And neither party cares. They are strangers to us but we care about them and their family.
Why did I do this post? Simple. Please stop the fighting over wording. Who cares if someone says Merry Christmas to you or Happy Holidays or some other words that celebrate their feelings this season. Put the energy you seem to have, if these simple words anger you, into donating or helping someone this season. Whether you do it in the name of a God or not. It will warm your heart either way. If someone says Merry Christmas to you smile. If they say Happy Holidays to you smile. If they say other words meant to share their loving feelings this season smile. They saw you as being a person that they care enough about to share their seasonal joy with. So to everyone who frequents my blog.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS. No matter what or how you are celebrating I hope it is full of love, joy and hope.
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Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Going to Church Means You Automatically are Good
I recieved the most horrendous email from someone I considered a dear friend even though we differed on our belief in religion. Basically the email says that since I am living in sin (living with my fiance) that means I am automatically a liar, that my kids are better off with a known child abuser because she goes to church. They sent this email to me because I put up a face book request for anyone wanting to exchange holiday cards. Here is the shocking email.
"Received a request on face book for a Christmas card. We would have liked to send one but since Christmas is the celebration of the Birth of the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ, who is the only begotten Son of God the Father and you are now anti-christ, as an atheist, we were wondering why you would want a Christmas Card. We don't believe Christmas as just an excuse to get cards and presents or just another Holiday. Any card we would sent should ruffle your feathers because it would reference the reason for the season - Jesus Christ the Son of God.
As to the money they speak of it was gas they paid for, and the church reimbursed them, to drive me to the city that was 3 hours away so I could attend court. I thanked them every time for their assistance. Sadly this is how someone tries to force their opinion of a God and religion on someone during the Holiday season. Choosing to believe lies and support an abuser simply because I live with my fiance and we are not married and I am still, sadly and because of lack of funds, legally married to my ex abuser. So I am evil simply because they disagree with my life style and because I am an athiest? I would hate to see what would have happened if I was a gay person. No wonder they are abused so much in my ex religion. Sad. Truly sad. Saying they teach Gods and Christs laws and yet spew so much hate and are so quick to put false blame on someone, reguardless of facts, simplely because that person does not believe as they think they should. From what I read about Christ isn;t that the opposite of love and acceptance?
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"Received a request on face book for a Christmas card. We would have liked to send one but since Christmas is the celebration of the Birth of the Savior of the World, Jesus Christ, who is the only begotten Son of God the Father and you are now anti-christ, as an atheist, we were wondering why you would want a Christmas Card. We don't believe Christmas as just an excuse to get cards and presents or just another Holiday. Any card we would sent should ruffle your feathers because it would reference the reason for the season - Jesus Christ the Son of God.
We have read your definition as to why you went atheist and realized you don't have an idea as to why we are here on earth. WE accepted to come here and go through the tests and trials of life to prove ourselves worthy to come back and live with our Father in Heaven. He promised us all he has if we would do that. He gave laws and commandments we had to follow if we wanted blessings in this life and after. If we don't keep those commandments he won't be compelled to bless us. While we were in Canada we were sad when you felt everyone was to do everything your - way which wasn't the Lords way. You were the one that moved. He was always there for you but it requires things like obedience to the principles of the Gospel. The Lord Hates lying and you were good at it. He says Adultery is 2nd only to Murder in serious and you are living in a direct opposite direction than the Lord and our Heavenly Father would have you and you expect blessings from him?
WE spent a lot of time, effort, money and prayers in your behalf of trying to help you get your kids. Now you are atheist we are so happy the Lord knew best because they are being better cared for (according to their Bishop and Stake Presidents) and so the Lord didn't allow you go gain custody They say your mother is doing a great job in seeing they are being raised righteously instead of living with you who is living in a relation offensive to God. I know these leaders are men of God and don't lie.
I can see why you are atheist. It is easier to try to justify the way you are living and lying your way through life. I feel sad that unless you repent you will have to stand before Christ and try to talk your way out of it which won't work - and you will be consigned to the Telestial kingdom where you can't visit your children or your live in at all and you will have only yourself to blame and no one else. You know what you are doing and know it is Contrary to the Teachings of God. Just be glad you don't live in the days of Moses because then you would have been physically stoned to death already. Now you are just dead spiritually to the Lord. Only you can change that.
I wanted you to know that we know with all our hearts, might, minds and strength that God is our Heavenly Father and he loves all of his children even when they reject Him. Jesus Christ is the son of God and was willing to die that we could have a chance to repent and accept His atoning sacrifice made for those who repent so he could be your redeemer. Heavenly Father loved you so much he allowed His beloved son to go through all he did for you and you are rejecting that great love.
You may never want to hear of us again because of the truths I have written here. That is sad but The spirit has been nagging for months to let you know these truths and your seeking Christmas cards as an Atheist gave me an extra nudge."
If someone chooses to believe in a God that is their choice but to send this type of email, saying I am lucky I don't live in the time of Moses because I would be stoned? My ex husband who almost killed me, left me for another woman and I should be stoned? How does that make sense? My kids are better off with a known child abuser because she attends church and is a good liar because she goes to church? How does that make sense? Just because I live with my fiance? This email is beyond confusing. Here is my reply:
"If you have read why I am an atheist (my blog) then you would have seen the horrific abuse in the name of a so called God that my mother put me and her previous step kids through. Yet you can still say they are in a better place? With a woman that told a rape victim it was her fault, with a woman who almost killed her step son, with a woman who made a gilr live in a barn and only bath once a week? With a woman who made a boy eat thrown up dog food? I could go on and on and so could the step kids. That is a better place for my kids to be because she goes to church and commits these horendous acts hinden behind closed doors? The church didn't know the horrors she was doing on that farm no more then they do now because she is a good liar. But because she goes to a church it is a better place for them? You are hipocrates if that is what you believe.
My becoming an athiest has nothing to do with my childrens placement. It has to do with the church being a lie. The church teaches Joshep Smith had one wife. Yet irrefutable facts prove that he not only married many women, including children under 15, but also married women that were already married to other men who were alive. This man you call a prophet broke his own rules for his religion. And that is just one fact. I am an athiest because the church was built on lies and that science proves there is no God. Sorry but you need to get your facts straight.
And telling me you are glad that God choose to keep them in that home only because you view I am living in sin yet you are ok with them living with a woman who is severaly abusive is beyond sad because then you are breaking your own Gods rules. Another reason I left the church is how the church treats Gays. If you want education on your church watch a movie called Prop 8 the Mormon Proposition. They broke the law when they tried to force through a law in California banning Gays from legally marrying. They used the tithing of the church to try and force it through. They lost and are now under investigation for it. Since it is illegal for churches to get involved in politics in that way since the law is seperation between church and State. I am no idiot to follow blindedly behind a false prophet who was not only a cheater on his wife but also a pedofile.
You said I may never want to hear from you agian. If you want an intelligent discussion on the mormon religion I am game. But don't you DARE tell me that my kids are better of with an abuser simply because she goes to church. Open you eyes. Just because someone goes to church does not mean they are rightchois as your church says. And just because a bishop says they are fine does not mean they are. When the horrors on the farm were going on my mother was the leading person to go to for Primary teaching and also was the leading person for home schooling. She was greatly respected, yet she was commiting these horrors. If you condon that then I pitty you because that means you condon child abuse as long as that person goes to church."
My becoming an athiest has nothing to do with my childrens placement. It has to do with the church being a lie. The church teaches Joshep Smith had one wife. Yet irrefutable facts prove that he not only married many women, including children under 15, but also married women that were already married to other men who were alive. This man you call a prophet broke his own rules for his religion. And that is just one fact. I am an athiest because the church was built on lies and that science proves there is no God. Sorry but you need to get your facts straight.
And telling me you are glad that God choose to keep them in that home only because you view I am living in sin yet you are ok with them living with a woman who is severaly abusive is beyond sad because then you are breaking your own Gods rules. Another reason I left the church is how the church treats Gays. If you want education on your church watch a movie called Prop 8 the Mormon Proposition. They broke the law when they tried to force through a law in California banning Gays from legally marrying. They used the tithing of the church to try and force it through. They lost and are now under investigation for it. Since it is illegal for churches to get involved in politics in that way since the law is seperation between church and State. I am no idiot to follow blindedly behind a false prophet who was not only a cheater on his wife but also a pedofile.
You said I may never want to hear from you agian. If you want an intelligent discussion on the mormon religion I am game. But don't you DARE tell me that my kids are better of with an abuser simply because she goes to church. Open you eyes. Just because someone goes to church does not mean they are rightchois as your church says. And just because a bishop says they are fine does not mean they are. When the horrors on the farm were going on my mother was the leading person to go to for Primary teaching and also was the leading person for home schooling. She was greatly respected, yet she was commiting these horrors. If you condon that then I pitty you because that means you condon child abuse as long as that person goes to church."
As to the money they speak of it was gas they paid for, and the church reimbursed them, to drive me to the city that was 3 hours away so I could attend court. I thanked them every time for their assistance. Sadly this is how someone tries to force their opinion of a God and religion on someone during the Holiday season. Choosing to believe lies and support an abuser simply because I live with my fiance and we are not married and I am still, sadly and because of lack of funds, legally married to my ex abuser. So I am evil simply because they disagree with my life style and because I am an athiest? I would hate to see what would have happened if I was a gay person. No wonder they are abused so much in my ex religion. Sad. Truly sad. Saying they teach Gods and Christs laws and yet spew so much hate and are so quick to put false blame on someone, reguardless of facts, simplely because that person does not believe as they think they should. From what I read about Christ isn;t that the opposite of love and acceptance?
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Saturday, November 26, 2011
My Daughter has turned 13
On the 18th of this month my daughter turned 13. She is officially a teenager. I have been working on this post for her since her b-day. I remember so many wonderful memories with her. She changed my life in so many ways. I had just turned 22 when I found out I was pregnant with her. I had been so sick I thought I had the flu. But when I went to see a doctor they tested me and found out I was pregnant. The funny thing though was even the doctor was surprised. When he came in to tell me, he looked at me and said "You are pregnant. How did you do that?" He was as stunned as I was because it was suppose to be really difficult for me to get pregnant.
It was a very stressful pregnancy. Not because you were making me sick or anything. I only had one day of slight morning sickness. Other wise I was physically healthy. What was so stressful is as soon as my church found out they tried everything they could to convince me to give you up for adoption. They made me attend classes through their own social services program. These classes were all about how wonderful adoption is for both the parent and child, and how awful being a single parent is. They had girls come in and talk about how wonderful it was to place their child up for adoption and other moms come in and talk about how they regret not putting up their child because of how hard it was. There was no help, information or positive assistance for any other choice.
Even when I ended up in the hospital for a month when I was 6 month along, they sent their worker to my room to harass me. She even showed up with adoption papers to sign multiple times. I told her I was keeping you everything time she showed up and finally had her banned from seeing me at the hospital. After I went home she showed up there a few times as well. You were so wanted that I continued to hold my ground. I went to parenting classes as well to ensure I would do the right things since I definitely did not have a good example in my own mother.
When I went into labour it was hard. 20 hours of labour and I didn't dilate. I stayed a 2cms. When they gave me an epidural though I had you a short time later. 21 hours of labour was exhausting but you were so worth it. You laid in my arms and looked like a little angel. You had no hair. To me it looked like you had peach fuzz on your head but you were so cute. The lady from church did come to the hospital again with adoption papers. She was told to leave. She also came by the house when I got home. A friend told her if she came by again then she would be charged with harassment. She never showed up again. You were a dream come true. You were such a good baby. Rarely crying, sleeping 6-8 hours at night within a few weeks. You had a good appetite and loved to smile. Anyone who saw you adored you.
One of my favorite memories when you were young is when you would try new foods. My favorite was when you tried your first pickle. Your face puckered up after you sucked on it. But yet you still went back for more. Puckered again and did it again. You loved sour things and your would laugh after you saw my face when you would pucker.
You were soo smart too. You learned your abc song before age two, at 18 months when we would ride the bus and you would see people smoking you would tell them "you are going to die". This shocked the people but a few later said they quit smoking after hearing you say that to them. You loved to learn and knew your numbers and letters before even reaching kindergarten. You loved to be read and sung to. You were very active and fearless. Always testing the boundaries and the rules.
School came easy to you. It was rare for you to come home with less then the highest marks on your tests. Sometimes I worried that it came to easily too you and for that you got bored easily.
You also loved to help others. When you learned at 2 1/2 that your Nana had cancer and lost all her hair you were worried. You loved her so much, and she loved you just as much. Then you saw a show on TV that was about adult donating their hair to cancer victims. You got so excited and wanted to do it too. You wanted to donate it to Nana but since you had child hair you had to donate it to kids instead. You were OK with that. When you told Nana she started to cry. 3 times you grew out your hair for 2 years and then had it cut off and donated. 3 times you provided hair to children who didn't have any. You gave a priceless gift to them.
I do miss you and I do hold onto the memories each and every day that I have of you and us. I hope you are OK. I hope that you know that I do love you. I am and always will be your mother. And you will always be my daughter.
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It was a very stressful pregnancy. Not because you were making me sick or anything. I only had one day of slight morning sickness. Other wise I was physically healthy. What was so stressful is as soon as my church found out they tried everything they could to convince me to give you up for adoption. They made me attend classes through their own social services program. These classes were all about how wonderful adoption is for both the parent and child, and how awful being a single parent is. They had girls come in and talk about how wonderful it was to place their child up for adoption and other moms come in and talk about how they regret not putting up their child because of how hard it was. There was no help, information or positive assistance for any other choice.
Even when I ended up in the hospital for a month when I was 6 month along, they sent their worker to my room to harass me. She even showed up with adoption papers to sign multiple times. I told her I was keeping you everything time she showed up and finally had her banned from seeing me at the hospital. After I went home she showed up there a few times as well. You were so wanted that I continued to hold my ground. I went to parenting classes as well to ensure I would do the right things since I definitely did not have a good example in my own mother.
When I went into labour it was hard. 20 hours of labour and I didn't dilate. I stayed a 2cms. When they gave me an epidural though I had you a short time later. 21 hours of labour was exhausting but you were so worth it. You laid in my arms and looked like a little angel. You had no hair. To me it looked like you had peach fuzz on your head but you were so cute. The lady from church did come to the hospital again with adoption papers. She was told to leave. She also came by the house when I got home. A friend told her if she came by again then she would be charged with harassment. She never showed up again. You were a dream come true. You were such a good baby. Rarely crying, sleeping 6-8 hours at night within a few weeks. You had a good appetite and loved to smile. Anyone who saw you adored you.
One of my favorite memories when you were young is when you would try new foods. My favorite was when you tried your first pickle. Your face puckered up after you sucked on it. But yet you still went back for more. Puckered again and did it again. You loved sour things and your would laugh after you saw my face when you would pucker.
You were soo smart too. You learned your abc song before age two, at 18 months when we would ride the bus and you would see people smoking you would tell them "you are going to die". This shocked the people but a few later said they quit smoking after hearing you say that to them. You loved to learn and knew your numbers and letters before even reaching kindergarten. You loved to be read and sung to. You were very active and fearless. Always testing the boundaries and the rules.
School came easy to you. It was rare for you to come home with less then the highest marks on your tests. Sometimes I worried that it came to easily too you and for that you got bored easily.
You also loved to help others. When you learned at 2 1/2 that your Nana had cancer and lost all her hair you were worried. You loved her so much, and she loved you just as much. Then you saw a show on TV that was about adult donating their hair to cancer victims. You got so excited and wanted to do it too. You wanted to donate it to Nana but since you had child hair you had to donate it to kids instead. You were OK with that. When you told Nana she started to cry. 3 times you grew out your hair for 2 years and then had it cut off and donated. 3 times you provided hair to children who didn't have any. You gave a priceless gift to them.
I do miss you and I do hold onto the memories each and every day that I have of you and us. I hope you are OK. I hope that you know that I do love you. I am and always will be your mother. And you will always be my daughter.
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Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Brave? Me?
Last week I was shocked by a comment someone said to me. They called me brave. Me. Seriously? Here is what happened.
My fiance and I are on a dart team. Once a week we go to one of the bars and play against another team. This week it was at the bar that sponsors our team. My service dog was with me like usual. Everyone loves her. And she loves the attention she gets from everyone when the night is over and her vest gets taken off outside and she is given permission to visit everyone. She is with me to alert to the episodes I have because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So far this year we have been lucky and no episodes have happened while playing darts. So most people though curious have no real idea what she is for.
Well this night was to be different. I was playing the final doubles game with my partner when she started to alert to me. Sometimes she can give a long alert, meaning I have some time 10- 15 minutes sometimes before anything happens. The game was almost over and I didn't want to have to forfeit. I hoped it was a long alert. She kept getting more and more insistent. Then it hit. Down I went. It lasted only a few minutes but it always leaves me beyond shaken. When I finally felt a little better I sat on the bench. My fiance told our team captain I couldn't play anymore. When he came over to say it was OK I started crying and apologized. He told me there was nothing to apologize for. I felt so embarrassed. Our team had to forfeit that game and the team game. I felt like I let down my whole team.
I leaned down and put my head against my Service Dog's head and concentrated on her breathing to try and stop my shaking. When I finally wasn't shaking I moved back over to our teams table and that is when I got the shock of my life. Most everyone on my team told me all was OK and to not worry and they hoped I was OK. Even one of our new team members gave me a hug. The other team was saying the same thing. Then a gentleman came up to me and said he wanted to tell me something. He said he wanted me to know how brave he thought I was. Me. Brave? I was shaking. Terrified of what everyone was thinking about me. Wanting to crawl into a hole. And this guy was telling me I was brave. He went on to say that instead of letting my disability control my life and stop me from living it, I was instead getting out and living life. He said he thought that was very brave and he admired me for that. WOW.
I have spent so much of my life hiding in my home. Terrified of what could happen. Having my service dog has helped change some of that but I still spend so much of my time hiding in my home. Not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, not wanting to be judged, not wanting to embarrass myself or be a burden to anyone. And yet a small part of me has to admit he was right. Before my Service Dog I never would have done the things I can do now. Instead of being judge harshly like I am always afraid of this person let me know that not everyone will see me in a bad light.
I hope he knows what his kind words did. At the time I was too embarrassed to say much more then thank you. Once I calmed down and thought about it I really felt much better knowing that I was accepted instead of rejected. Sounds like such a small thing. Just a few words from a stranger. But those few words sure had a huge effect on me.
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My fiance and I are on a dart team. Once a week we go to one of the bars and play against another team. This week it was at the bar that sponsors our team. My service dog was with me like usual. Everyone loves her. And she loves the attention she gets from everyone when the night is over and her vest gets taken off outside and she is given permission to visit everyone. She is with me to alert to the episodes I have because of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So far this year we have been lucky and no episodes have happened while playing darts. So most people though curious have no real idea what she is for.
Well this night was to be different. I was playing the final doubles game with my partner when she started to alert to me. Sometimes she can give a long alert, meaning I have some time 10- 15 minutes sometimes before anything happens. The game was almost over and I didn't want to have to forfeit. I hoped it was a long alert. She kept getting more and more insistent. Then it hit. Down I went. It lasted only a few minutes but it always leaves me beyond shaken. When I finally felt a little better I sat on the bench. My fiance told our team captain I couldn't play anymore. When he came over to say it was OK I started crying and apologized. He told me there was nothing to apologize for. I felt so embarrassed. Our team had to forfeit that game and the team game. I felt like I let down my whole team.
I leaned down and put my head against my Service Dog's head and concentrated on her breathing to try and stop my shaking. When I finally wasn't shaking I moved back over to our teams table and that is when I got the shock of my life. Most everyone on my team told me all was OK and to not worry and they hoped I was OK. Even one of our new team members gave me a hug. The other team was saying the same thing. Then a gentleman came up to me and said he wanted to tell me something. He said he wanted me to know how brave he thought I was. Me. Brave? I was shaking. Terrified of what everyone was thinking about me. Wanting to crawl into a hole. And this guy was telling me I was brave. He went on to say that instead of letting my disability control my life and stop me from living it, I was instead getting out and living life. He said he thought that was very brave and he admired me for that. WOW.
I have spent so much of my life hiding in my home. Terrified of what could happen. Having my service dog has helped change some of that but I still spend so much of my time hiding in my home. Not wanting to make anyone uncomfortable, not wanting to be judged, not wanting to embarrass myself or be a burden to anyone. And yet a small part of me has to admit he was right. Before my Service Dog I never would have done the things I can do now. Instead of being judge harshly like I am always afraid of this person let me know that not everyone will see me in a bad light.
I hope he knows what his kind words did. At the time I was too embarrassed to say much more then thank you. Once I calmed down and thought about it I really felt much better knowing that I was accepted instead of rejected. Sounds like such a small thing. Just a few words from a stranger. But those few words sure had a huge effect on me.
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