Angels Can Be The Ones You Least Expect

I have sat on the story of my children's rescuer for a long time and now that my daughter has posted a small portion of her own story I think it is about time that the wonderful lady, who became my childrens saviour, has her story known.  Just as I did with my childrens entries I will be using her own messages to me to show what was going on and her feelings/emotions at the time.  Please understand that yes this lady has mental illnesses, BUT that does not mean someone is crazy or lieing or not in reality.  It just means that she handles things and feels things differently.  That is all.  It does not make her any less of a person or any less of a saviour to my children.  Also this will be a long entry since her messages are being used.

First a little back history.  When I was a young child and my mother was still residing with the wonderful man who I came to view as my dad, is when I first met this womam and her two children.  She had an older daughter and a younger son.  She became really good friends with my mother.  At some point she moved with her kids to another province.  I don't know or remember the details.  All I know is that when my mother left my dad when I was ten, it was this lady's home we went to stay with.  We stayed with them for a short time and then my mother got her own place.  After a couple of years my mother and she stopped hanging out.  I did not know why but later learned it was because my mother was playing her mind games on this lady's daughter.  In the end causing the young lady to try and commit suicide.  When the daughter explained to this woman what my mother had been saying to her to cause her to hate herself so much she cut contact with my mother.  Smartest move she ever made.  She did not hear from my mother agian till the summer my mother had my children.  The lady thought that given the length of time it had been, and since they had been such good friends prior for so long, that maybe she had changed.  My mother had to show the department that she had some long time friends(to prove stability or such I think) so she contacted this lady.  Telling her elaborate lies about me being schitzophrenic and severly abusive to my children.  The rest you can read below as to how she ended up living with my mother. 

This long so will be done in parts so as when people come back when it is updated they can find the part they left off at.

PART 1

After she contacted me for the first time letting me know in a short message that my children were in foster care I have to admit that part of me was fearful that it was more mind games created by my mother.  I was pregnant with my son and being very careful of not letting my mother get wind of the pregnancy so she could not create more lies causing us to risk losing him as well.  So I did tell her that I was wanting to know more but was very skeptical.  This is what she sent.

"Hi....I do not blame you for bing cautious and skepticle.....I was at the police station today because of your mom......it is a VERY long story so bare with me........you know better than anyone how manipulative your mom can be and I was the one who copied pasted some of your FB posts to your mom because she had me convinced you were mentally ill and abusive to your kids and I am SOTTY I fell for it.....then I moved to (town my mother is in) and moved in with her and her husband....OMG  the abuse your kids were taking especially your daughter, whose e-mail address I have and will give you if you would like it....anyway I was CONSTANTLY running to intervene and protect the kids....I cried every night and asked G-d to help me to help them...."

She goes on to describe some of the abuse she witnessed.  This can be read on my daughters own posting or on the one I wrote about what my daughter was going through and enduring.  She continues after the event of finding my daughter wrapped with a urine soaked shirt in the bathroom:

"and I went down to social services and turned her in....they came two weeks later with 4 cops and removed the kids.........Her husband beat the shit out of me for turning them in...I was given emergency housing in a senior's complex BUT they moved your mom in with me....we are in a two bedroom apartment......I did NOT want her here it was the ONLY way I could get in here....your "mom" is being evicted....I sleep every night with my bedroom door barracaded because she is fucking psycho, pardon my language..... housing had me go down to the police station to file a complait...I have been sleeping in the apartmnet of another tenant the past 3 nights....I am back in my apartment tonight BUT I will be barracading the door again....like my friend told the cops today she, meaning your mom will frigging stab me in my sleep.....ANYWAY.....your sons were placed in (town name removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (town name removed) I think?? I don't know, when I give you her e-mail address you can ask her....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (town name removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldet son was beating his brother until his brother would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mother doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were..... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't, I can hardly stand to look at her and to have to share an apartment with her since this past December has been nothing but HELL!!!!! I PROMISE you when that bitch gets out of here I will NEVER let her near my life again, she is dead to me!!!! I still dream about the kids and feel guilty that I didn't do more for them but your daughter calls me their angel and she said I protected them more than I know...I remeber when she burned your daughters eyes I screamed at her, (Name removed), and said "you are EVERYTHING your daughter said you are".....your mom has a friend in (town name removed, where the step kids were abused), and she told me only some of the things your mom did to her step children and I wanted to throw up....andy way, I told you this would be a long story and I haven't even scratched the surface but I am sure you know that only too well.....here is your daughters e-mail and you can confirm with her that I am NOT lying to you nor am I trying to deceive you, I truly DO believe you and I am TRULY sorry and as I said I do not balme you in the least for being cautious....Your mom should be locked up, in jail or psych ward or both, I just don't know why social sercies didn't charge them"

Obviously when I recieved this I was confused and emotional.  I had several questions.  Some being why had she not moved away from my mother if she was so scared, how did she end up living with my mother at the seniors complex and one question I worded wrong.  I wanted to know why my mother and her husband were not charged for abusing my children or for assualting this lady but I worded it this way " Has either my mother or her husband been charged with anything agianst the children at all or you?"  She thought I was wondering why she was not charged as an accessory or something.  I totally got why she was confused and you can see that in her reply.  We got that cleared up through right away. 

"Hi, I don't mind your questions and they are valid.....I came to (town removed) because as you know I had been living with my son and his wife....they have 4 children, his wife was working and my son was in school....I was taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning and I loved being with them all....I had a heart attack when I was back in (city on the east coast) and had to leave my job...I am unable to work. so my son and his wife asked me to come and be with them so I did.....that fall I had another heart episode and his wife had to call 911....I was unable to continue to do what I was doing....so your mom and her husband told me to come and stay with them until I recouperated....I had NO idea what I was walking into.....as for now, my son and his wife are about to have their fifth child and I CAN'T do that agin, my doctor would not allow me to do that or I will end up 6 feet under.....I am close enough that I can hop and bus and go see my grandbabies and then come home.....as for my daughter, her husband HATES cigarettes and when I go for just a few days EVERY time I go outside for a cigarette he sprays me with frabreeze before I can go back in the house....my daughter had said I could go there but I would have to quit smoking...NOT going to happen and most importantly I do not want to live with my children, I like my independance,  after I got to (town name removed) and entered that chaos I ended up in (city name removed) in the cardiac ICU......why did it take me so long to contact you? You should already know the answer to that one.....do you really think I could try to make contact while I had/have your frigging mother around??? NOPE.....the only reason I did it now was because as I told you I went to the police yesterday ....it was for filing and swearing to false police charges against her husband....I blew the whistle on her for that yesterday too........as for why I was not charged regarding your children...WHY would I be??? I was PROTECTING your children, I stepped in EVERY SINGLE TIME to protect them.....I wasn't there all the time, in fact when I wasn't there....when I would come back I spent MOST of my time in the basement, in the office and if you had lived there you would know that you can't hear anything when you are in the office, I wouldn't even hear the door bell...it would only be when I was coming out of the office to go outside for a smoke or go to the bathroom that I could hear ANYTHING....so it was only 2 mths that I knew ANYTHING was going on with the kids....do you really think your psychotic mother would do anything in front of me???? she KNOWS very well I would NOT allow that to go on...... i was NOT supposed to be living with your mom and her husband, I was there just until I could get an apartment in this senior's complex, I had applied for one as soon as I got to (town named removed), in fact I applied for one in (city name removed) as well but this one came available first...my FIST choice would have been (city name removed)...I accepted this one because I couldn't get out of that house fast enough!!!! Then when I got the apartment your mom falsely accused her husband of assaulting her too so she could move in here with me....I frigging couldn't get RED of her...my therapost almost had a fit when she found out psycho bitch was moving in too....when her husband had assaulted me he was arrested, he was removed from the home and he has a restraining order against him....so your mom would have been left in the house with no husband equalling NO money, NO ONE to support her ass.....so I KNOW she did it on purpose to get in here with me...she will NOT admit that but I KNOW it is a fact and my therapist said the same thing......I was in a BAD depression, that house and your mom and her husband were a hell hole.....I too have PTSD, I have a panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and I have Bi-polar 2....so do you think it was a healthy place for me????? My therapist was doing all she could to get me OUT of that house as soon as possible....so ALL I COULD do was try to step in when I could, when I would hear anything and every time I did I put your children before myself which is as it should be but I risked a knife in my back EVERY SINGLE TIME and you know better than anyone KNOW she is more than capable of doing that...... when her madness towards the kids began escalating or maybe it was that she was being less "careful" with me living there I went IMMEDIATELY to social services and put an END to it...as they, SS said to me if it were NOT for me what would have happened to those children??? I DON'T even want to THINK about it.....so why in hell would they charge me???? They thanked me profusely.......and yes, in the spring, just before the children were taken I tried to do it so MY life would not be in jepardy...I made an anonimous phone call to the school, I told them to check your daughter that she was being made to wear diapers....they did and there was a meeting called at the school, there was the principal, the vice principle, SS worker, the guidance counselor, a pyschologist from the school board, your mom, her husband and myself.... I sat there and listened to what was going on....NO ONE removed the kids at that time...so do you really think I felt/believed I had any power to do anything???????? they DID ride your mom's ass over the diapers, she and her husband WERE told that "your way of doing things has to change" and that was it!!!!!....WHAT the hell would you have done in my place????? I did EVERYTHING I knew how to do....that is why I prayed every single night and asked G-d to help me help the kids...I asked G-d to let SOMEONE listne to me......sooooooooooooo when your mom burned your daughters eyes and I flipped I went to the departnment manager at SS and she DID do something, but even then it took them TWO WEEKS to come and take the kids...if it were me I would have been there THAT day to take them........I was FORCED by your mom and her husband to write a letter to the court telling the judge how "wonderful" they were to and for the children...I wrote my letter VERY carefully Praying that the judge would know from the language I used that I was being FORCED to write that.... if what YOU have said is true about what your mom did to you THEN YOU know the danger/jepardy I was in and that I had NO choice but to write ehat they wanted me to... I was DEPRESSED, I was having PANIC ATTACKS....I was hooked up to machines to monitor my heart and bllod pressure while I slept and during the day because I was having "dzzy spells" all the time and it was ALL due to the stress and fear I was living under....where was I going to go??????????????? Social Services called the women's shelter for me so I could go there until I could get a place....I COULDN'T do that because of my social anxiety problems...I bawled and bawled and bawled because I could NOT MAKE MYSELF GO THERE...you should understand that because you said you have PTSD and agoraphobia......O felt TRAPPED and it is irrelevant if I WAS trapped or not THAT was my state of mind at the time and I FELT trapped....I have come a long way  in the past year....I am still "healing" and will continue to heal for many many years if not forever....my therapist wrote a letter to (town name removed) housing a few weeks ago almost pleading with them to make me a priority for a one bedroom unit...they told housing how hard I have been working for my "recovery"  but they said to  Housing that they (mental health team) fear that for me to have to continue to share a place with your mother will cause my mental well being to begin to deteriorate AGAIN because your mother is on another of her psycho trips and I just CAN'T deal with her and her chaos and drama ANYMORE...I am not using caps by the way as "shouting" I use caps when I want to emphasize something, just thought of that and thought you will think I am yelling at you and I am not ...... I am walking on EGG SHELLS ALL the time...I take a deep breath EVERY SINGLE MORNING before I step out of my bedroom because until my feet hit the kitchen floor I do NOT know what kind of day I am going to have...is your mother going to be reasonably sane that day or is she going to be psycho self....it has been an AWFUL way for me to live and it has been STRESSFUL and I spen MOST of my time in my bedroom, outside smoking or at a friends downstairs...and THAT is NO way for me to have to live....as for you, I have spoken of you MANY times to my friends....I have talked about the children to them as well"

As you can see she was in such a state of stress having to reside with my mother.  And not that I blame her at the least.  I knew exactly how she felt.  As for her PTSD and such that is from previous abuse as a child and being around my mother and her abuse only triggered those memories and feelings making things so much worse.  I could tell reading this that there was so much that had/was going on that she was trying to get clear to me and some was getting jumbled together.  Later I asked her to write a time line.  I will add that here.  It helped to answer so many questions.  At this time I would only agree to messaging.  My mother was known for going to elaborate extremes to play her mind games and abuse that I knew I had to be very careful.  She seem to totally understand this thank goodness.

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By My Daughters Request Her Own Post in Her Own Words

THis entry is my daughters own posting.  She specifically asked me to post it here for her.  She wants her story known.  She wants to show the same that I and the step kids have tried to show.  Just how sick and abusive my mother is and the suffering she causes.  All that has been changed is the names.  It is not an easy read. 

Her words:
The last year that I lived with my grandma was torture itself. She had become increasingly violent. My life was so hard and was a nightmare. More and more often was I thinking about suicide, more often than that, I would be in the kitchen alone and doing the dishes and would be holding a large knife against my chest, posed above my heart. The only thing that would stop me would be the thought of my brothers and that I knew that they needed me.

My grandmaothers punishments were increasingly horrible. I had a large black and blue bruise on my collar bone from her thrusting her nail into my collar bone as I would be cowarding and cornered by her fury. My ears were pierced clean through by her nails. Scabs covered them as well as other numerous parts on my body. Whenever I would come home she would grab me by the ears with her nails. She would drag me down stairs with hot blood running from my ears. She then would force me to my knees by pulling me down by the ears. She then would make something up that she said I did. I later found out that everything she blamed me for she actually did herself.

One of her other punishments was I had to wear diapers because I had been pissing in my room on old shirts. Yes, I admit it, I had been but before anyone thinks that I am a sick child let me explain. I had an alarm over my "doorway" because I had been stealing food because I was being forced to miss meals. The alarm was in such a position that if I moved slightly in the middle of my bed it would go off. It meant that I wasn't allowed to go to the bathroom for most of the day and all night. I tried to empty myself at school but I still would need to go during the day. One time I realized that my alarm wasn't on for school so I tried to go and turn it on without the alarm going off. I didn't succeed with that in the least, the alarm went off. My grandmother marched down and grabbed me by the roots of my hair, pulling it out by the clumps. She then slammed my head into the concrete wall beside me. She screamed at me then went back up stairs. I ended up with a huge bump on my head.

Sometimes I would have to wash the frying pan and dry it and the towels greased up. My grandmother made me wash the stains out in the tub. But every five minutes the towels weren't done she would go and search my room and came back with the piss covered shirt I had used the night before. She would wrap the shirt around my head so I had to inhale the fumes when I needed to breath. My lungs were already damaged enough by the suige back up from moms house, so this was very harmful to my health.

Once she slapped me upside the head then denied it. I had no good meals, she would either make me miss a weeks worth of dinners at a time or I had to eat the parts that made me gag. I had to wear diapers to school and do lines until 1:30am on a school night. She would constantly contradict me in front of me and other people. One time when she was dragging me by the ear I told her to stop and that she was going to pierce my ear straight through. You know what she said to me then? "GOOD! Ha, maybe it will teach you to stop being a nightmare child! A devil child! That's what you are, a devil child!"

She would speak horrible about my mom then say to everyone, even the guests, "I hope non of you follow in my granddaughter's footsteps and become like my daughter." She would then turn to me and tell me that she felt no feelings toward me, I looked and acted so much like my mom, I might as well as be called by my mothers name. Whenever she called me my moms name I would ignore her, it resulted in both pain and pride, as long as I even slightly didn't let what she would do affect me I was showing her that I was stronger in my will to show her that she couldn't completely control me nor how I felt.

 I still had some sense in me even though I was brainwashed but even now, almost two years later I am still healing. I now will share a secret to everyone that I have only now healing from, one day my grandmother and I were yelling at each other and she said that she could kill me, she then switched that to "I want to kill you!" It shocked me. That night I cried myself to sleep.

She went as far as to lie to an officer. She had phoned the cops stating that I had just tried to kill my youngest brother. I had actually just saved him from running and tripping on the stairs and breaking his neck. The cop arrived and I told him what had happened and he said that my brother could have died had I not done what I did. I then saw fury and almost fear in my grandmothers eyes. She then stopped the officer and said that I had just lied through my teeth and that I had tried to choke my brother. She said that I was great at manipulating people to do what I wanted them to do. The cop believed her and I got a police record.

My life ended when I had arrived at my grandmothers and it got worse. I am not embarrassed to share my experiences with other people but I feel pride to being able to survive. If my brothers weren't born I would be dead right now by suicide from depression. With these words I end my tale. I love you Mom.

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Rising From the Ashes

There have been a lot of great developments the past few weeks.  One of the best ones is now my daughter and I get to enjoy talking on the phone once a week on Wednesdays.  It was so amazing the first time I heard her voice.   I had just been informed earlier in the day from the children's worker that once a week calls would be allowed.  I did not have my daughters number so I had to wait for her to call me.  That night just after my son fell asleep on my shoulder the phone range. My fiance was at work but luckily I keep it beside me. I looked at the number and didn't recognize it. And when I said hello I didn't recognize the voice either. The speaker asked me if I knew who it was. I said no. And then my heart stopped. She said it was my daughter. I am not kidding. It was such an amazing call.  I was so excited that at first I could not figure out what to say or ask.  There was just so much going through my head.  But then I asked her about her interests.  One of which is her writing.  My daughter shared with me this fantasy book about dragons and such that she is writing. It actually has very in depth characters and story line. She said when she is finished she will let me read it. She was so excited to tell me about it. Then in the middle of that her baby brother woke up and started cooing into the phone. She begged to talk to her brother so I put the phone up to his ear. We do this when my fiance calls on breaks so he is already used to it. He smiled at this voice talking to him.  She loved hearing him coo.  It was a wonderful phone call.  We have since talked again and it was just as wonderful. 

We also now chat every day again on Facebook.  Either while we are both on or leaving messages for each other.  She has shared with us many pictures of herself and some videos as well.  She is turning into such a beautiful young lady.  One who has a lot of integrity.  She feels a lot of guilt about playing a part in my mothers lies.  She has apologized several times for lieing, for lieing to lawyers, to the psychologists, to department workers.  Every time she apologizes we work hard to let her know we do not blame her.  That we love her, that we know she was brainwashed to do the things she did and say the things she said.  She was a child who was just trying to survive horrific abuse.  She feels like she helped in causing me to lose the trial which in turn split up our family and now has caused the boys to be placed for adoption.  We want her to feel like she can talk to us about anything, that she is entitled to her feelings and has a right to feel them.  But no one should ever make her feel like this is in any way her fault.  The blame has to be firmly placed on those responsible. 

My mother for her sever abuse, lies and vindictiveness
My ex for the same
The department for not investigating properly, placing children with a known abuser, and when the truth came out for not returning my children to my loving arms.
And me for not keeping all of this from happening in the first place.

My daughter was just trying to survive.  If that meant lieing to keep herself safe from abuse for one more day, I do not blame her.  The great thing though is that she loves her therapist.  One that she had had while she lived with my mother and that my mother had fired when she started to catch on to what my mother was really doing.  I have come to learn my mother fired many people when they would not listen to what she wanted done to my children.  So she has someone she trusts helping her to get through this.  She, and her brothers, were also taken off the meds they were on and re-evaluated.  My daughter does take different meds now.  One I think to help her sleep.  I am not sure of the other yet.  Still learning details.  But none of them make her feel like her brain is full of mud any more.  Thank goodness.  We are hoping that visits will be soon to follow.  We are hoping that she will get to meet her brother prior to him going for surgery in March.  But that might be too soon to wish for.  What I hear when I talk to my daughter is that she is an incredibly courageous person.  She is not hiding what she has been through.  She is aware now that she is one of 7 children/people my mother has severely abused and brainwashed.  That we all understand, that we are all here and we all love her.  I also see her as someone who has a lot of integrity.  She didn't hide what she sees as she did wrong.  She has admitted it and continues to apologize.  We will continue to assure her that we love her and she is not blamed for anything though.  She also really wants her brothers to have contact with me and their new baby brother.  She wants to be able to tell them about me and their brother.  Right now that is not allowed. 

Speaking of my sons, even though the department knows beyond a doubt that my children were kept from me based on lies they are still refusing to return them.  They have matched them with a family.  They have now been placed with that family.  I have spoken to several lawyers about this.  Hoping that there is a way to stop this.  The trial, I would think, should be able to be over turned since it is now proven as a fraud.  With my evidence, the rescuers testimony, my dads testimony, my daughters confession and so on all of it I would think would be enough to bring them home.  But from what I am being told the answer is no.  Since we could not appeal in the one month time frame after the verdict, it does not matter what we have to show.  The verdict can not be overturned and if the department refuses to stop the adoption there is nothing I can do.  I have tried appealing to the public through this blog but other then that I don't know what to do. 

All I know is after all the suffering of so many this woman, my so called mother, should be behind bars.  Behind bars for the physical and psychological abuse of 7 children.  Behind bars for making false claims and accusations to the department.  Behind bars for committing perjury on the stand in a court of law.  But she is not.  She is free to walk around and destroy more people, while our family remains torn apart.  I weep for my sons and my daughter and the fact we are not together.  I seriously wonder if there will ever be justice for any of us.

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Continueing of Past Behaviour

It should come as no surprise that even though there are different workers handling my children's file the same behavior is going on as with past workers.  I have emailed this worker twice since just before Christmas, giving ample time in between to allow for them to catch up with work and so on because of the holidays, asking for mailing contact with my sons. How many responses do you think I have received?  That is right.  None.  I am not surprised.  They have an agenda to meet.  They want to get their adoption bonuses.  Just because there is a bothersome birth mother wanting her children back after proof has been given showing the department totally screwed up and won their case on lies does not mean they don't deserve their bonus checks.  Come on.  They are only children for goodness sake. 

I hope you can read the sarcasm in those statements.  I know that even though they ignore my emails, and i am doing emails again so I have written proof showing my repeated requests, they continue with their plan for getting my sons adopted out as soon as possible.  They know if I can find a way to stop them they will have a lot of questions to answer.  Some being:

1) Why did they believe a known abuser who had had 3 children removed from them for sever abuse over someone who had never physically harmed their children in any way?

2) Why did they continue to accept this same known abusers false accusations yet out right refuse to even consider looking at the mothers proof to the contrary even though it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the known abuser was lieing?

3) Why did all the workers refuse to talk to the step children or listen to the history they wanted to provide proving that my children were being manipulated, brain washed and abused?

4) and this is a big one.  Why was the clause in Alberta Family Enhancement Act not followed.  Clause :  "subject to clauses (e) and (g), if a child has been exposed to domestic violence within the child’s family, intervention services should be provided to the family in a manner that supports the abused family members and prevents the need to remove the child from the custody of an abused family member;" It was obvious with my ex's convictions and admittance that I suffered from sever spousal abuse.  Yet was I offered any help?  No.  Instead the department and later the judge refused to even look at that issue.  Refused to acknowledge that I was in need of help and then later sought it out myself.  They then instead used it against me that I sought out that help.  And instead of helping to keep me(the abused family member) with my children they used the fact I sought out help as reasons to keep my kids from me.  That I was choosing therapy over my children is how they put it because I went to a women's group for survivors of domestic violence once a week and of course the only day that group was running was the only day of course the department said I could see my kids.  So why in my case was this direct clause totally ignored?

5) Once it was determined that they had been lied too and they had forced children to stay in a home and suffer through extreme abuse(they have to own some fault in that since I and the step kids had tried to tell them what was happening only to be ignored), had they not contacted me and determined to try and reunite a family that should have not been torn apart in the first place?

6) And if all else is ignored why is the mother(me) allowed to raise another baby, who is thriving, yet not allowed to have her children back?  That makes no sense what so ever.

There are many other questions they would have to answer too but these are the huge ones.  Which is why they continue to ignore my emails and push through adopting out my sons.  Permanently sealing their fate and mine till they are adults. 

On a positive note though my beautiful daughter and I continue to have contact through Facebook.  She is growing into such an intelligent young lady.  She gave me such a beautiful gift yesterday.  A picture taken at Christmas time of her with her two brothers.  They have grown so much.  My oldest son is much taller but otherwise looks the same.  A very handsome young man he is growing into being.  My middle son has changed so much.  It looks like he is finally gaining weight.  I am so glad he is out from under my mothers abusive hand so that she can no longer starve him.  He had such a big smile on his face.  I miss them all so much.  I also now know where my daughter attends school.  She shared a picture of herself in her school jacket.  I know I can't go and see her and that is such a cruel reality.  I am not going to risk the department having to move her to a different home because I showed up.  She likes that school.  I just hate that I and my children are continuing to suffer all because of one woman's lies and revenge.  That we are continuing to be kept apart because of all of that.  It is just so wrong. 

I am so glad to have my son to hug.  It takes some of the sting away of missing his siblings so much.  My daughter so badly wants to meet him.  She wishes she could tell her brothers that they have a new baby brother.  They can't even mention me.  I cry at what so many have done and continue to do to my family.

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The Ending Of Another Year and the Beginning of a New One

With 2013 literally being just a few hours away, I have been sitting here going over this past year.  It has been full of so many good and bad things.  A lot of ups and downs. 

One of the bad things was learning about what my children had to endure at the hands of my mother.  Then learning that instead of the department doing the right and ethical thing of contacting me right away once they realized that their whole case against me, and all the complaints made by my mother was lies; they instead decided to not inform me at all and instead put my children into foster care and now trying to adopt them out as quickly as possible.  In doing this they hope that their many many huge mistakes will be kept hidden and they will not have to be held accountable.  They are right.  Legally they are not required to contact me.  Legally they could do what they are doing.  BUT is it right.  They only have that legal right because they won a court case based on lies that are now proven.  Does that make it right just because they did win the case?  No. It is not ethical and it is not right.  The real victims of them only doing what is legal is my children and myself.  My children only knew what my mother told them.  Which was I did not want them or love them.  That was so wrong.  That I abandoned them.  Again so wrong.  Is it right that they should be left to believe that?  Is it right, just because they won a case based on lies, that a family should be forever kept apart?  Isn't that then continuing the suffering?  Continuing the emotional abuse of my children?  The department is suppose to be there to help children that need helping but to try to keep families together where ever possible.  Our experience is that they have and are doing all they can to keep us apart.  If I am such a bad parent then why is my son thriving?  They can't answer that question.  My sons now might be adopted out before ever knowing the truth.  Why?  Because it is easier for the department.  It is easier on them to continue allowing my sons to believe I never wanted them.  Continuing to allow them to believe that I never loved them.  Their presents are sitting on a shelf in an office proving to me that was their plan all along when all the gifts were sent back to me last year and they claimed I never sent any.  This has been their plan all along to hide their screw up.  And no one is stopping them.  No one is standing up and saying this is wrong.  No one is fighting for my family.  I have tried and continue to try but I come up against a brick wall.  I can only do so much.  The department has allowed one woman to destroy 7 lives, 3 generations of children.  To tear apart a mother from her children.  And even with her history of sever abuse she was believed over someone with no history of abuse.  This is what they want hidden.  That they aided this woman in allowing this abuse to continue, in forcing children to stay with a known abuser even when people were telling them what was happening.  That they failed to do their jobs and instead are continuing to emotionally abuse and neglect my children by refusing my daughter and i to see each other and not allowing my sons to even know that I am here.  I weep at what this year has done to my children and my family.  All the while one woman cheers that she can continue to cause such pain by having created this scenario.

But even in the face of such sadness there is joy.  Joy at the bringing of a new life into our home.  Joy of a new brother for my children.  Regardless of the fact that the department told me that he is not their family, that their adoptive family will be their family, he is their brother and always will be.  He will always grow up knowing who they are, what they were like, how they were ripped from our lives and how he was denied the ability to know them thanks to one woman and the department.  He will know the truth when he is old enough.  He will grow up knowing that regardless of what a piece of paper says that they are his family.  He will know that he is loved just as much as they are by us.  That our door is always open to them when ever them can and do come home.  He has made this house a real home, solidified this family, brought laughter and smiles.  He has brought a renewed strength to all of us.

Another is the joy of again having contact with my beautiful daughter.  There has been a part of me that has been so empty without her in my life.  The day she contacted me my heart beat so fast with the happiness it felt.  She never should have been taken from my life but now that she is back in it I am feeling just a little more complete.  It is just a joy to learn about her, her interests, how she is learning and growing.  I hate that I speak to her only a few times a month thanks to the department.  But it is better then no contact.  I am hoping that in the new year we will finally be able to see each other face to face.  That I can finally hug her and tell her in person how much I love her.  That she can finally meet her new brother and hold him and get to know him as she has a right too as his big sister. 

Another joy is having my children's rescuer back in my life.  I had not seen her since I was a teen but the day she contacted me brought some closure to what I knew must have been going on.  She helped to get my children to a safer place physically.  Without her I firmly believe that my mother would have finally succeeded in at the very least permanently physically scaring one of them or at the worst killing one of them.  She was their Saviour and for that will always be considered close family and welcome in our home.  She has also helped to confirm so many memories of my past that my mother either tried to warp or deny to make me look or feel crazy.  This has helped a great deal.

Another joy is my dad.  Finally having my dad back in my life is huge.  I have a family again.  And to be honest I sometimes have no idea how to feel about that.  I am not used to a real family who wants me just for me.  Nothing else.  He has confirmed many things including that my mother lied on the stand in court and to the psychologist who did the parental assessment.  She stated to both that I was severely violent as a child and that as an adult I presented as normal but was actually violent.  All totally untrue.  I was never violent.  I was the opposite.  I spent a lot of time rescuing animals, was shy and quiet and was my dad's shadow when he was home. I was glued to him, why?  Because I saw him as safety from my mother.  He confirmed that all she said was totally untrue.  Proof that she perjured herself on the stand.  I wish he had been at the trial.  Things would have been so different then. 

What do I hope this year brings?  Many things.  I hope to see my daughter.  A home run for me would be her coming home.  I hope to see my sons.  I hope they don't get adopted because the family could refuse any contact with me and continue to allow my sons to believe the lies my mother told them.  A home run for me with my sons is they too come home permanently.  But at the very least I hope to have regular visits with them.  I hope they all get to meet their new brother.  They are siblings and deserve to know each other as that.  I hope to get to meet my dad in person again and get to know him again.  After 26yrs apart it has been too long.  But a trip like that might be impossible for this year.  We are trying but it might not happen.

I hope this year ends my mothers rain of terror and destruction for so many finally.  I hope my family is finally reunited and she is finally out of it forever.  I hope this is the year that starts the beginning of a new and happier chapter for all of us. 

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A Not So Merry Christmas

Sadly Social Services continues their games at my childrens expense.  First we had the meeting with the adoption worker in our city.  It went find.  She got a back history and then asked why we have not tried to see the kids since the trial.  We explained that we had tried.  Many times.  Only to be ignored.  We had sent gifts only to have them returned.  That we didn't find out till the end of August that they were in foster care because no one told us.  She said no one had an obligation to tell us since they are not my kids any more and are under a PGO.  My partner said there is a big difference between doing what is morally and ethically right and doing what is only your legal requirement.  They had all the proof they needed that the PGO was granted based on lies yet still decided that it was better to keep me and my children apart.  The lady did ask us about if we have enough bedrooms, how long we had lived here, our income and so on.  Which I found strange since this was only suppose to be for Facebook contact.  I of course wanted full contact but the permancy worker and this person made it clear it was just for facebook contact.  It lasted an hour and a half with us having no clue what the whole point was.  She met our new baby and saw that he is very healthy and our home was clean and organized.

Then the next day I get informed that my childrens presents arrived at the permancy workers office.  The permancy worker informs me my daughter will get her presents but not my sons.  That they will be meeting a family soon that might adopt them and until then they are not allow to know about me, the gifts from their birthday or Christmas or that we are in contact with their sister.  All under the guise that it is in their best interest.  How is it in their best interest?  Think of just my oldest son for a moment. Every time he would mention missing me to my mother or anyone else she would hit him in the face and be told he is not allowed to talk about me. Then be told I never wanted him and many other awful things. Do they have any idea what that does to a child?  I can tell you from personal experience. It causes a huge amount of grief, pain and a huge sense of abandonment. Then the permancy worker also create the rule that the kids are not allowed to discuss me when they visit each other. How is that any different then what my mother was doing? My daughter informed me of this rule when she told me she was seeing her brothers on Friday and I asked her to pass my love on to them. My oldest son risked being hit many times just to say the words that he missed me.  Shouldn't that tell the workers what he needs and wants?  But they refuse to see it. 

How much relief it would be to their minds to hear that their mother still loves them, never gave up on them and always wanted them? A huge amount. My oldest son esspecially, after risking such physical punishements to say those words, needs to know that. And not just because the worker says so. He won't believe that. How do I know that he won't believe it if someone tells him? Because when he would ask me in the car rides during visits about his dad my response was always "Your dad loves you, and misses you but he is getting help right now and will see you when he can." My oldest son would always look out the window, sigh and then say in a very dead dounding voice "I know". And that was when he was 6yrs old.

In those presents is a memory blanket for each of them. It has 15 photos of them as babies, growing up, each other and with us. Each blanket is designed for that child. I fully expected them to give that too them. That is their mail, their presents. They need to start thinking about what is best for them and their mental state and not what is best for their logs and books. I talk from the other end of the experience. I talk from the childs perspective who was kept from a parent for over 26yrs being told the same things, the same lies. It can cause permant damage and this permancy worker is now continueing that chain of damage. How can I get them to stop the emotional abuse of my sons and give them their gifts and tell them the truth.

When I heard from my daughter after the visit she had asked the permancy worker why they are not getting their gifts.  And the permancy worker told her that if they give them the gifts now then they will not be told they are from me.  If they wait till they are adopted then they will be told they are from their BIRTH MOTHER.  Sorry but for a mom in my situation where I lost my kids because of following doctors orders and because of other peoples lies the term BIRTH MOTHER as applied to me is very insulting.  It means that someone else will be viewed as their mom and that is SOOOOO wrong.  I am their mom.  Now that Social Services knows the truth they should be doing all they can to bring my family back together.  But instead they are continueing the pattern to protect the fact that they screwed up so badly by ensuring my family stays seperated permantly.  She also informed my daughter that they are hoping this family will adopt my sons by January.  So by January my family could be permantly lost to me. 

Where is our Christmas Miracle?

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My Family Is Growing In So Many Ways

I know I have not updated in a while.  Left you guys hanging after giving the updates I had learned from my childrens rescuer.  What most of you readers don't know is that while I was learning all this I was also in my final trimester of pregnancy.  You read that right.  We had a beautiful baby boy at the end of October.  How cool is it that all my sons are born in the same month.  We kept this mainly to ourselves till we were sure that he would be coming home and staying with us.  And he has.  He is the light of our lives too.  He was born with a small cleft lip though and a notch in his upper gums.  So his first surgery is for next year to repair the lip and then he will have another when he is about 8 or 9 to repair the notch in his gums.  He is strong and healthy.  And thriving.  He is already 11 1/2 pounds. 

Some of you may wonder why we would have another one when I don't have my other 3 home yet.  2 reasons.  One is because I am a mom. That is who I am.  It is what makes me complete.  We wanted him in every sense of the word.  The second was because I was at a dead end when it came to trying to get my kids back.  I don't have the kind of money needed to fight another court battle.  So I thought if I could prove how things truly are with another baby over a small period of time then I might have a chance to bring my children home because I would be showing that our home is safe and not what the lies of my mother made so many in power believe.  Those are the reasons why.  He was not to replace my children in any way, shape or form.  He was/is wanted and so are my other 3 children.

Now the original plan was, since we knew about the cleft lip, to wait till our son was born, go to his 2 week evaluation at the childrens hospital and then contact social services about setting up visitation with my other 3 children and hopefully be considered for them to come home.  Well it didn't quite go that way.  Our son was born but a week shy of us going to the childrens hospital my daughter sent me a facebook message.  Yup you read that right too.  My daughter contacted me.  What a day that was.  I was so happy, worried about her and so many other emotions.  She and her brothers are in seperate foster homes but she says they get to see each other ever other week.  They are also under an adoption worker who is trying to place them.  And yes I have spoken to her.  My daughter says she will refuse any adoption for her.  She is in a wonderful foster home and her foster mom is very nice.  Fully supporting her contact with me.  Though once Social Services found out they stopped the nightly chats to just once a week, saying that is better for my daughters emotional state till we are evaluated.  Neither she or I are happy about it but it is better then the no contact.

I was able to mail their birthday gifts to the adoption worker and know my daughter got hers. I have no idea if my sons have recieved theirs.  No contact is allowed right now with my sons.  The adoption worker is firm in their stance that they are being place with a family for adoption and that contact with me could hinder that.  I am doing my best to convince them to allow contact.  Even mailed off all their Christmas Presents today.  This week an adoption person from our city is coming to our home to evaluate us to see if Facebook contact with my daughter will continue to be allowed.  So keep us in your thoughts that the meeting will go well. 
When we got pregnant we immediately contacted a local community support program that helps families in having healthy homes, parenting advice, community outreach programs and so on.  They are in our home weekly at our request.  We did this to be able to show our home is safe, healthy and we are good parents.  That being home with us is what is best for our new baby but also for my other 3 children as well.  Our home is big enough easily. 

So that is where we stand right now with my kids and social services.  As far as social services are concerned they won the trial and that is the end of it.  They don't care that they now have all the proof that they need that they won because of lies.  They don't care that it is now easily proven that the children at their choice were being kept with a sever abuser who pulled the wool over all their eyes, keeping my children from me and harming them in so many ways.  They don't care.  As far as they are concerned they won the trial and own my children.  And will place them in an adoptive home as soon as possible.  I want them home with me but I do not know what to do to get that to happen.  I don't even know how to make it so I can just see my sons.  I have since learned that they can be adopted out to different homes and if the adoptive parents choose to change their names and refuse them contact with me or even each other ever agian that they can legally do that.  They could end up never seeing each other agian unless they can find each other as adults.  Where is the justice in any of this?  Please message me if you, the reader, can think of any way to bring them home.

My dad(step dad) is also very happy to be a grandparent.  They sent a wonderful package of clothes for our new son.  I am loving being a daughter agian and a mom agian.  But my life will never be complete till all my children are in my life agian.  Please if you can, help bring them home and end this dark time for all of us once and for all.

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