I have had some time to do some reflection on myself the past few months. I have so many questions for me that I can't keep track of them. Sometimes I can come up with the answers and sometimes as I reflect I end up with more questions then answers. One of the main ones I had for myself is why I never told anyone. Why did I never tell anyone about the abuse when I was a child? Why did I not tell anyone about the abuse when I was married? When I would talk to people I would always tell them about the good things. Try to sound like everything was more then OK.
Part of me thinks it was because I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. My mother and husband had made it so clear that I didn't deserve anything and that all I was was a burden. So to counteract my feelings of being a burden on people was to over compensate. Anytime someone needed something, whether it be my sister, mother, step father, friends or so on, I would try to do it. It didn't matter how they treated me, if they needed or wanted something and I could find a way to provide it then I would. I also found that I rarely if ever asked for anything I needed. I still find I do this but I am trying harder to put a stop to it. If people are treating me with little or no respect then I try my best to not become a doormat. But for my friends, people who do truly care about me then I try my best to help but not at the sake of myself if I can stop myself.
Another reason I didn't tell anyone is because I didn't want to be seen as a failure. I saw myself as failing at being a good daughter and then I saw myself as failing at being a good wife. To try and overcome this constant feeling of failure I over compensated in other areas. My mother could beat me or emotionally abuse me and I would then try to find reasons to please her. This kept going on even into adulthood. I would buy her things that she would request, I would change my appearance to what she directed, I would do what ever she asked to try and show her that I was a good daughter. Never once realizing that the problem was not me. Never once realizing that no matter how hard I tried that I would never please her. I did the same with my husband. I found myself always making excuses for his bad behaviour to other people, always giving up things I needed to pay for things he stole or destroyed in anger, always getting him anything he wanted in a desire to show him that I was a good wife. I always thought with both of them that if I only tried hard enough that things would be good. I would then be good enough for them both. I always thought that the reasons that things got worse was because I was failing in my duties. This is something I am still struggling with in a big way.
Another reason was because I felt like I deserved it. And in some ways I still do. I still have a problem with believing I deserve to be loved, treated with respect, have my needs met and so on. Any time I try to put myself first I end up feeling very guilty and think of myself as being selfish. I find myself having an internal battle just to convince myself to purchase something I am in need of let alone something I might want.
Another reason was because I was terrified people would place all the blame on me. And some did. And I know in some ways that was my own fault. I had done such a good job in making excuses for them, covering up the things they did, bailing them out of situations that many were convinced that it was my fault. Which lead me into believing that if they think I am the sole person responsible then they must be right. But that is not reality. I did make some mistakes. I am no more perfect then the next person. But I was not at fault for the abuse or their bad choices. They are. I still work hard on not taking responsibility for others actions. Some days I succeed and some days I fail. I am a work in progress.
I want so badly to be accepted by people. To be seen as a good person. I want to feel free to make mistakes and know I have people there to support me. I have some good friends and they know who they are just as I know that they know who I truly am. As you can see I am finding answers but I still have a ton more questions. I am still working very hard on trying to accept me. Maybe some day I will fully be able to do that.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Trying To Move Forward
I have been getting a lot of advice lately to look forward, move forward. There is nothing I can do for a long while to fight to get my kids back. My hands are tied thanks to the lies of the department and my mother. So I have decided to take my wise friends advice and try and move forward in my life until I can take up the fight again.
My days are usually spent in the house. Day in and day out. With the depression of the trial I have had no urge to really do anything. Other then cooking and keeping up the house not much has interested me. On top of that Sheena is getting older. She is 7 now and though she is doing great as my medical alert dog she is going to get to the point where she does not have the energy to deal with a puppy. So while she still has the playful desire to be around a pup but also to train it.
So we got a puppy. She isn’t a purebred by any means but she is very cute and very smart. She just turned 3 months old and is already house trained and we are working on potty pen training her. For those that do not know what that means it is training to teach her to only use one spot in the yard and also to teach her to go on command. She has also learned in one day to play fetch. Her breeding is ½ German Shepherd, ¼ lab and ¼ husky. And you can see all of the traits in her though the lab so far seems to be the dominant for looks.
She has settled in quite well and we are excitedly waiting till she has her shots to take her out for walks and socialization. We have a lot of hopes and dreams for what to train her for but we are in the stage now where we are simply building a strong foundation to build upon. As she learns and grows I will blog on here about how she is doing. She has brought some lightness and excitement into our home again and given both of us something to focus on to help us move forward.
So right now we are moving forward day by day.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
My days are usually spent in the house. Day in and day out. With the depression of the trial I have had no urge to really do anything. Other then cooking and keeping up the house not much has interested me. On top of that Sheena is getting older. She is 7 now and though she is doing great as my medical alert dog she is going to get to the point where she does not have the energy to deal with a puppy. So while she still has the playful desire to be around a pup but also to train it.
So we got a puppy. She isn’t a purebred by any means but she is very cute and very smart. She just turned 3 months old and is already house trained and we are working on potty pen training her. For those that do not know what that means it is training to teach her to only use one spot in the yard and also to teach her to go on command. She has also learned in one day to play fetch. Her breeding is ½ German Shepherd, ¼ lab and ¼ husky. And you can see all of the traits in her though the lab so far seems to be the dominant for looks.
She has settled in quite well and we are excitedly waiting till she has her shots to take her out for walks and socialization. We have a lot of hopes and dreams for what to train her for but we are in the stage now where we are simply building a strong foundation to build upon. As she learns and grows I will blog on here about how she is doing. She has brought some lightness and excitement into our home again and given both of us something to focus on to help us move forward.
So right now we are moving forward day by day.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Friday, February 25, 2011
I Am Breaking Inside
It is getting harder and harder to keep up this false exterior that everything is ok. That I am doing just fine. Everyday it is getting harder and harder to get through the day. Every day it is getting more difficult to do my normal routine. I am getting less and less done. Caring less and less about everything. Trying to keep up this front that I am just fine since getting the verdict is starting to be impossible.
I buried it all when I got the verdict. That is what I have always been taught. Do not be a burden on anyone. Do not show anyone that you need them. Do not depend on anyone. I am suppose to be the responsible one. I am the one that is suppose to take care of everything. Now I feel like I am failing in that and I don’t know anymore what to do.
The least little thing sets me off crying. I can’t even have a picture of my children around or else I can’t control my tears. My one purpose in life is gone. My reasons for getting up in the morning and feeling good about me is gone. My children were my life. And I failed them in the biggest way possible. I always thought good and truth won out in the end. But it really doesn’t.
I am terrified that if any of my friends know how I am breaking down this much that they will all leave me far behind. I see them rarely as is. Talk to them even less because I can not control the tears. I hide away at home just trying to get through the day. What do I have left? I feel so empty.
Return to Map Of The Blog Page
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Who Am I? A Mormon or Me?
These past few months so much has happened that it has really caused me to question so much about myself. I decided last year to take a break from the religion I was a part of. Had been raise in and shoved down my throat. I have really been trying to figure out where my Mormon brainwashing ends and I begin. In doing this it has caused me to really question who I am. What are my beliefs? To some they may think this is an easy thing but it truly isn't. When you are brainwashed to the extent I was it causes a lot of guilt and shame to try and think differently then the training told me to. And that guilt and shame is very hard to over come.
I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person. And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with. I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am. To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list. Here is what I have so far.
Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest
Loyal
So far that is what I have. While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church. I was always feeling unworthy, or less then. I never felt accepted. Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal. Not all the way but a lot of it. My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well. I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling. That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love. Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates. But I am trying hard to stop those feelings. Some days they do overwhelm me. I hope those days will get less. I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
I was always told that all the bad things in my life that happen to me are because I am an evil person. And my mother used the Mormon teachings to prove this and threaten me with. I have really tried to take an honest look at myself and in doing so I am trying so hard to see myself as the good person that my fiance and my friends tell me I am. To try and help me believe that I decided to write a list. Here is what I have so far.
Reasons that I am a good person:
I was a good and loving mother
I was a good and loving wife
I always try and help others
I love animals and spent a good part of my life trying to help them and still plan to in the future
My goal in life is to help the disabled get Service Dogs
I am a good citizen
I am honest
Loyal
So far that is what I have. While I was a member I always would go over and over in my head about how I was failing this expectation or that one of the church. I was always feeling unworthy, or less then. I never felt accepted. Since leaving the church that cloud of guilt that at times would seem to suffocate me has lifted a great deal. Not all the way but a lot of it. My stress levels have dropped a great deal as well. I now feel like I have a choice and a right to an opinion or a feeling. That I don't have to continually prove myself to anyone but those I love. Some days I still revert back to the thinking that I am being evil or bad for not doing as the Mormon church dictates. But I am trying hard to stop those feelings. Some days they do overwhelm me. I hope those days will get less. I hope someone reading this can understand where I am coming from.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
End The Silence On Domestic Violence
That is the name of the show that is on Dr. Phil today and what his concept for this coming year for the entire season. Here is the link:
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1492/
Since I am a survivor of Domestic Violence I am asking that you all check out this link. Listen to his plea. End the Silence. Abusers want silence. They want their victims to stay quiet, keep it hidden and behind closed doors because it makes what they do so much easier for them. Stop making their life easier. I know that there are others who are uncomfortable hearing about abuse. They would rather have the opinion that what happens in the home stays in the home. In this day and age that is not something anyone should do. By looking the other way you are not ignoring the problem, YOU are part of the problem.
No one deserves abuse, No one is asking to be abused. END THE SILENCE TODAY!
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
http://www.drphil.com/shows/show/1492/
Since I am a survivor of Domestic Violence I am asking that you all check out this link. Listen to his plea. End the Silence. Abusers want silence. They want their victims to stay quiet, keep it hidden and behind closed doors because it makes what they do so much easier for them. Stop making their life easier. I know that there are others who are uncomfortable hearing about abuse. They would rather have the opinion that what happens in the home stays in the home. In this day and age that is not something anyone should do. By looking the other way you are not ignoring the problem, YOU are part of the problem.
No one deserves abuse, No one is asking to be abused. END THE SILENCE TODAY!
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Good and The Bad
Today has had both good and bad. Isn't that always the way it is though. Today I had an awesome surprise. I have had a terrible week. First getting sick with a stomach flu, then wrenching my back. I am not a happy camper. And still waiting on the department to let me know if we will get to see the kids for Christmas. The main highlight to my day was checking the mail. I LOVE Christmas Cards. And have been receiving quite a few this year. I have strung them up around my home and they have helped to bring in some Christmas cheer. Well today I went and checked my mail and their were 3 new cards. I decided to oped the big one first(doesn't everyone?). Inside was a musical card. And when I opened it out fell a check for $100. I was in shock. The note with it said this is for your family to purchase some Christmas presents with and also have a Christmas dinner. I started to cry. We had no money for Christmas dinner. We were most likely going to have Kraft dinner. I couldn't believe the kindness that this person had shown us. I showed the check and card to my fiance and as he read it tears came to his eyes as well. This check means more then just presents and food. it meant someone felt my pain and empathised with me and my family. Someone extended a part of their heart to us. Talk about an angel in disguise.
Even hours later I still get choked up thinking about this act of generosity. But with this good of course has to come bad. I also just received an email from the department about the request for a visit with my kids this week to give them their Christmas presents. My request was submitted at the beginning of last week. They have denied it. Said maybe next week. They also told me that all communication now will have to be done via phone calls or in person. No more emails. My lawyers had advised emails in the fall of 09 because of all the lies about who was denying/refusing visits, accusations about what was said during phone calls and such. They know I have saved all the emails. So now want to take away that form of protecting myself.
I thanked them for again denying me yet another holiday with my children, especially since they have not allowed me to see them since the end of October. And I also refused to end the email communication. On that I will not give an inch. I am not going back to giving them the power to create all sorts of stories anymore. When I can again try to appeal(if I can ever get the money together) I need that proof to show they are the ones denying visits and lieing. I had a feeling they would do this but it still hurts. And I can't imagine what my kids are thinking. They thought I hated them the last time the department refused me to see them for so long.
So today has been a good and bad day. I discovered an angel and also saw the cruel side of someone. I have one request for all those that continue to read my blog. This holiday season please hug your kids tight, even when they are being naughty. For there are those out there like me that can only dream of being with out kids again.
Update: December 23. Got even more wonderful news. My fiance came home from work on his supper break and told me he had his yearly review. Said that they gave him a raise. Things are finally on their way up.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Even hours later I still get choked up thinking about this act of generosity. But with this good of course has to come bad. I also just received an email from the department about the request for a visit with my kids this week to give them their Christmas presents. My request was submitted at the beginning of last week. They have denied it. Said maybe next week. They also told me that all communication now will have to be done via phone calls or in person. No more emails. My lawyers had advised emails in the fall of 09 because of all the lies about who was denying/refusing visits, accusations about what was said during phone calls and such. They know I have saved all the emails. So now want to take away that form of protecting myself.
I thanked them for again denying me yet another holiday with my children, especially since they have not allowed me to see them since the end of October. And I also refused to end the email communication. On that I will not give an inch. I am not going back to giving them the power to create all sorts of stories anymore. When I can again try to appeal(if I can ever get the money together) I need that proof to show they are the ones denying visits and lieing. I had a feeling they would do this but it still hurts. And I can't imagine what my kids are thinking. They thought I hated them the last time the department refused me to see them for so long.
So today has been a good and bad day. I discovered an angel and also saw the cruel side of someone. I have one request for all those that continue to read my blog. This holiday season please hug your kids tight, even when they are being naughty. For there are those out there like me that can only dream of being with out kids again.
Update: December 23. Got even more wonderful news. My fiance came home from work on his supper break and told me he had his yearly review. Said that they gave him a raise. Things are finally on their way up.
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Is There No Hope Left?
Today we went to the court house and picked up the papers to file the appeal. While there they explained that there are no costs to filing the appeal but there are costs to get the transcripts of the trial and that has to be submitted at the same time as filing the appeal. We went home and called the place that we need to get the transcripts from. They calculated at 3 days(Lenght of the trial), 8 hours a day at .0052 cents a character. They said based on just that the cost will be over $6000 for the transcripts. I was in shock. And that did not include the 30 minutes of the verdict being read or the 2 days we went over in time by at least an hour or more. I am on disability. My fiance is working 2 part time jobs. Even with that we make just enough to live day to day. There is no way we can come up with the money needed for the transcripts.
Now I see why so few appeal a PGO. Not because they don't have a case. It is because they don't have the money to get the transcripts. None of our friends can afford to help. And we can't get a loan. Is this how it ends? Is all options now stopped just because I am not well off enough to pay our $6000 in the next two weeks? How is that justice? Where is the justice for my children? Is there only justice for the people that can pay for it? Is that the system we live in? That the poor or disabled have to suffer just because they do not have the money to fight back?
I have less then 30 days to submit this appeal other wise it will never even be considered. I never thought I would have to consider just walking away and allowing my kids to suffer at her hands. Is that the ending to the story? The abusers get to continue the abuse with no end in site? I need options and ideas. I don't want to stop. Someones eyes must see what is going on and can stop it. Or am I wrong and the abusers really do have all the power?
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Now I see why so few appeal a PGO. Not because they don't have a case. It is because they don't have the money to get the transcripts. None of our friends can afford to help. And we can't get a loan. Is this how it ends? Is all options now stopped just because I am not well off enough to pay our $6000 in the next two weeks? How is that justice? Where is the justice for my children? Is there only justice for the people that can pay for it? Is that the system we live in? That the poor or disabled have to suffer just because they do not have the money to fight back?
I have less then 30 days to submit this appeal other wise it will never even be considered. I never thought I would have to consider just walking away and allowing my kids to suffer at her hands. Is that the ending to the story? The abusers get to continue the abuse with no end in site? I need options and ideas. I don't want to stop. Someones eyes must see what is going on and can stop it. Or am I wrong and the abusers really do have all the power?
Return To Map Of The Blog Page
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)