With 2013 literally being just a few hours away, I have been sitting here going over this past year. It has been full of so many good and bad things. A lot of ups and downs.
One of the bad things was learning about what my children had to endure at the hands of my mother. Then learning that instead of the department doing the right and ethical thing of contacting me right away once they realized that their whole case against me, and all the complaints made by my mother was lies; they instead decided to not inform me at all and instead put my children into foster care and now trying to adopt them out as quickly as possible. In doing this they hope that their many many huge mistakes will be kept hidden and they will not have to be held accountable. They are right. Legally they are not required to contact me. Legally they could do what they are doing. BUT is it right. They only have that legal right because they won a court case based on lies that are now proven. Does that make it right just because they did win the case? No. It is not ethical and it is not right. The real victims of them only doing what is legal is my children and myself. My children only knew what my mother told them. Which was I did not want them or love them. That was so wrong. That I abandoned them. Again so wrong. Is it right that they should be left to believe that? Is it right, just because they won a case based on lies, that a family should be forever kept apart? Isn't that then continuing the suffering? Continuing the emotional abuse of my children? The department is suppose to be there to help children that need helping but to try to keep families together where ever possible. Our experience is that they have and are doing all they can to keep us apart. If I am such a bad parent then why is my son thriving? They can't answer that question. My sons now might be adopted out before ever knowing the truth. Why? Because it is easier for the department. It is easier on them to continue allowing my sons to believe I never wanted them. Continuing to allow them to believe that I never loved them. Their presents are sitting on a shelf in an office proving to me that was their plan all along when all the gifts were sent back to me last year and they claimed I never sent any. This has been their plan all along to hide their screw up. And no one is stopping them. No one is standing up and saying this is wrong. No one is fighting for my family. I have tried and continue to try but I come up against a brick wall. I can only do so much. The department has allowed one woman to destroy 7 lives, 3 generations of children. To tear apart a mother from her children. And even with her history of sever abuse she was believed over someone with no history of abuse. This is what they want hidden. That they aided this woman in allowing this abuse to continue, in forcing children to stay with a known abuser even when people were telling them what was happening. That they failed to do their jobs and instead are continuing to emotionally abuse and neglect my children by refusing my daughter and i to see each other and not allowing my sons to even know that I am here. I weep at what this year has done to my children and my family. All the while one woman cheers that she can continue to cause such pain by having created this scenario.
But even in the face of such sadness there is joy. Joy at the bringing of a new life into our home. Joy of a new brother for my children. Regardless of the fact that the department told me that he is not their family, that their adoptive family will be their family, he is their brother and always will be. He will always grow up knowing who they are, what they were like, how they were ripped from our lives and how he was denied the ability to know them thanks to one woman and the department. He will know the truth when he is old enough. He will grow up knowing that regardless of what a piece of paper says that they are his family. He will know that he is loved just as much as they are by us. That our door is always open to them when ever them can and do come home. He has made this house a real home, solidified this family, brought laughter and smiles. He has brought a renewed strength to all of us.
Another is the joy of again having contact with my beautiful daughter. There has been a part of me that has been so empty without her in my life. The day she contacted me my heart beat so fast with the happiness it felt. She never should have been taken from my life but now that she is back in it I am feeling just a little more complete. It is just a joy to learn about her, her interests, how she is learning and growing. I hate that I speak to her only a few times a month thanks to the department. But it is better then no contact. I am hoping that in the new year we will finally be able to see each other face to face. That I can finally hug her and tell her in person how much I love her. That she can finally meet her new brother and hold him and get to know him as she has a right too as his big sister.
Another joy is having my children's rescuer back in my life. I had not seen her since I was a teen but the day she contacted me brought some closure to what I knew must have been going on. She helped to get my children to a safer place physically. Without her I firmly believe that my mother would have finally succeeded in at the very least permanently physically scaring one of them or at the worst killing one of them. She was their Saviour and for that will always be considered close family and welcome in our home. She has also helped to confirm so many memories of my past that my mother either tried to warp or deny to make me look or feel crazy. This has helped a great deal.
Another joy is my dad. Finally having my dad back in my life is huge. I have a family again. And to be honest I sometimes have no idea how to feel about that. I am not used to a real family who wants me just for me. Nothing else. He has confirmed many things including that my mother lied on the stand in court and to the psychologist who did the parental assessment. She stated to both that I was severely violent as a child and that as an adult I presented as normal but was actually violent. All totally untrue. I was never violent. I was the opposite. I spent a lot of time rescuing animals, was shy and quiet and was my dad's shadow when he was home. I was glued to him, why? Because I saw him as safety from my mother. He confirmed that all she said was totally untrue. Proof that she perjured herself on the stand. I wish he had been at the trial. Things would have been so different then.
What do I hope this year brings? Many things. I hope to see my daughter. A home run for me would be her coming home. I hope to see my sons. I hope they don't get adopted because the family could refuse any contact with me and continue to allow my sons to believe the lies my mother told them. A home run for me with my sons is they too come home permanently. But at the very least I hope to have regular visits with them. I hope they all get to meet their new brother. They are siblings and deserve to know each other as that. I hope to get to meet my dad in person again and get to know him again. After 26yrs apart it has been too long. But a trip like that might be impossible for this year. We are trying but it might not happen.
I hope this year ends my mothers rain of terror and destruction for so many finally. I hope my family is finally reunited and she is finally out of it forever. I hope this is the year that starts the beginning of a new and happier chapter for all of us.
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Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
A Not So Merry Christmas
Sadly Social Services continues their games at my childrens expense. First we had the meeting with the adoption worker in our city. It went find. She got a back history and then asked why we have not tried to see the kids since the trial. We explained that we had tried. Many times. Only to be ignored. We had sent gifts only to have them returned. That we didn't find out till the end of August that they were in foster care because no one told us. She said no one had an obligation to tell us since they are not my kids any more and are under a PGO. My partner said there is a big difference between doing what is morally and ethically right and doing what is only your legal requirement. They had all the proof they needed that the PGO was granted based on lies yet still decided that it was better to keep me and my children apart. The lady did ask us about if we have enough bedrooms, how long we had lived here, our income and so on. Which I found strange since this was only suppose to be for Facebook contact. I of course wanted full contact but the permancy worker and this person made it clear it was just for facebook contact. It lasted an hour and a half with us having no clue what the whole point was. She met our new baby and saw that he is very healthy and our home was clean and organized.
Then the next day I get informed that my childrens presents arrived at the permancy workers office. The permancy worker informs me my daughter will get her presents but not my sons. That they will be meeting a family soon that might adopt them and until then they are not allow to know about me, the gifts from their birthday or Christmas or that we are in contact with their sister. All under the guise that it is in their best interest. How is it in their best interest? Think of just my oldest son for a moment. Every time he would mention missing me to my mother or anyone else she would hit him in the face and be told he is not allowed to talk about me. Then be told I never wanted him and many other awful things. Do they have any idea what that does to a child? I can tell you from personal experience. It causes a huge amount of grief, pain and a huge sense of abandonment. Then the permancy worker also create the rule that the kids are not allowed to discuss me when they visit each other. How is that any different then what my mother was doing? My daughter informed me of this rule when she told me she was seeing her brothers on Friday and I asked her to pass my love on to them. My oldest son risked being hit many times just to say the words that he missed me. Shouldn't that tell the workers what he needs and wants? But they refuse to see it.
How much relief it would be to their minds to hear that their mother still loves them, never gave up on them and always wanted them? A huge amount. My oldest son esspecially, after risking such physical punishements to say those words, needs to know that. And not just because the worker says so. He won't believe that. How do I know that he won't believe it if someone tells him? Because when he would ask me in the car rides during visits about his dad my response was always "Your dad loves you, and misses you but he is getting help right now and will see you when he can." My oldest son would always look out the window, sigh and then say in a very dead dounding voice "I know". And that was when he was 6yrs old.
In those presents is a memory blanket for each of them. It has 15 photos of them as babies, growing up, each other and with us. Each blanket is designed for that child. I fully expected them to give that too them. That is their mail, their presents. They need to start thinking about what is best for them and their mental state and not what is best for their logs and books. I talk from the other end of the experience. I talk from the childs perspective who was kept from a parent for over 26yrs being told the same things, the same lies. It can cause permant damage and this permancy worker is now continueing that chain of damage. How can I get them to stop the emotional abuse of my sons and give them their gifts and tell them the truth.
When I heard from my daughter after the visit she had asked the permancy worker why they are not getting their gifts. And the permancy worker told her that if they give them the gifts now then they will not be told they are from me. If they wait till they are adopted then they will be told they are from their BIRTH MOTHER. Sorry but for a mom in my situation where I lost my kids because of following doctors orders and because of other peoples lies the term BIRTH MOTHER as applied to me is very insulting. It means that someone else will be viewed as their mom and that is SOOOOO wrong. I am their mom. Now that Social Services knows the truth they should be doing all they can to bring my family back together. But instead they are continueing the pattern to protect the fact that they screwed up so badly by ensuring my family stays seperated permantly. She also informed my daughter that they are hoping this family will adopt my sons by January. So by January my family could be permantly lost to me.
Where is our Christmas Miracle?
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Then the next day I get informed that my childrens presents arrived at the permancy workers office. The permancy worker informs me my daughter will get her presents but not my sons. That they will be meeting a family soon that might adopt them and until then they are not allow to know about me, the gifts from their birthday or Christmas or that we are in contact with their sister. All under the guise that it is in their best interest. How is it in their best interest? Think of just my oldest son for a moment. Every time he would mention missing me to my mother or anyone else she would hit him in the face and be told he is not allowed to talk about me. Then be told I never wanted him and many other awful things. Do they have any idea what that does to a child? I can tell you from personal experience. It causes a huge amount of grief, pain and a huge sense of abandonment. Then the permancy worker also create the rule that the kids are not allowed to discuss me when they visit each other. How is that any different then what my mother was doing? My daughter informed me of this rule when she told me she was seeing her brothers on Friday and I asked her to pass my love on to them. My oldest son risked being hit many times just to say the words that he missed me. Shouldn't that tell the workers what he needs and wants? But they refuse to see it.
How much relief it would be to their minds to hear that their mother still loves them, never gave up on them and always wanted them? A huge amount. My oldest son esspecially, after risking such physical punishements to say those words, needs to know that. And not just because the worker says so. He won't believe that. How do I know that he won't believe it if someone tells him? Because when he would ask me in the car rides during visits about his dad my response was always "Your dad loves you, and misses you but he is getting help right now and will see you when he can." My oldest son would always look out the window, sigh and then say in a very dead dounding voice "I know". And that was when he was 6yrs old.
In those presents is a memory blanket for each of them. It has 15 photos of them as babies, growing up, each other and with us. Each blanket is designed for that child. I fully expected them to give that too them. That is their mail, their presents. They need to start thinking about what is best for them and their mental state and not what is best for their logs and books. I talk from the other end of the experience. I talk from the childs perspective who was kept from a parent for over 26yrs being told the same things, the same lies. It can cause permant damage and this permancy worker is now continueing that chain of damage. How can I get them to stop the emotional abuse of my sons and give them their gifts and tell them the truth.
When I heard from my daughter after the visit she had asked the permancy worker why they are not getting their gifts. And the permancy worker told her that if they give them the gifts now then they will not be told they are from me. If they wait till they are adopted then they will be told they are from their BIRTH MOTHER. Sorry but for a mom in my situation where I lost my kids because of following doctors orders and because of other peoples lies the term BIRTH MOTHER as applied to me is very insulting. It means that someone else will be viewed as their mom and that is SOOOOO wrong. I am their mom. Now that Social Services knows the truth they should be doing all they can to bring my family back together. But instead they are continueing the pattern to protect the fact that they screwed up so badly by ensuring my family stays seperated permantly. She also informed my daughter that they are hoping this family will adopt my sons by January. So by January my family could be permantly lost to me.
Where is our Christmas Miracle?
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Monday, December 17, 2012
My Family Is Growing In So Many Ways
I know I have not updated in a while. Left you guys hanging after giving the updates I had learned from my childrens rescuer. What most of you readers don't know is that while I was learning all this I was also in my final trimester of pregnancy. You read that right. We had a beautiful baby boy at the end of October. How cool is it that all my sons are born in the same month. We kept this mainly to ourselves till we were sure that he would be coming home and staying with us. And he has. He is the light of our lives too. He was born with a small cleft lip though and a notch in his upper gums. So his first surgery is for next year to repair the lip and then he will have another when he is about 8 or 9 to repair the notch in his gums. He is strong and healthy. And thriving. He is already 11 1/2 pounds.
Some of you may wonder why we would have another one when I don't have my other 3 home yet. 2 reasons. One is because I am a mom. That is who I am. It is what makes me complete. We wanted him in every sense of the word. The second was because I was at a dead end when it came to trying to get my kids back. I don't have the kind of money needed to fight another court battle. So I thought if I could prove how things truly are with another baby over a small period of time then I might have a chance to bring my children home because I would be showing that our home is safe and not what the lies of my mother made so many in power believe. Those are the reasons why. He was not to replace my children in any way, shape or form. He was/is wanted and so are my other 3 children.
Now the original plan was, since we knew about the cleft lip, to wait till our son was born, go to his 2 week evaluation at the childrens hospital and then contact social services about setting up visitation with my other 3 children and hopefully be considered for them to come home. Well it didn't quite go that way. Our son was born but a week shy of us going to the childrens hospital my daughter sent me a facebook message. Yup you read that right too. My daughter contacted me. What a day that was. I was so happy, worried about her and so many other emotions. She and her brothers are in seperate foster homes but she says they get to see each other ever other week. They are also under an adoption worker who is trying to place them. And yes I have spoken to her. My daughter says she will refuse any adoption for her. She is in a wonderful foster home and her foster mom is very nice. Fully supporting her contact with me. Though once Social Services found out they stopped the nightly chats to just once a week, saying that is better for my daughters emotional state till we are evaluated. Neither she or I are happy about it but it is better then the no contact.
I was able to mail their birthday gifts to the adoption worker and know my daughter got hers. I have no idea if my sons have recieved theirs. No contact is allowed right now with my sons. The adoption worker is firm in their stance that they are being place with a family for adoption and that contact with me could hinder that. I am doing my best to convince them to allow contact. Even mailed off all their Christmas Presents today. This week an adoption person from our city is coming to our home to evaluate us to see if Facebook contact with my daughter will continue to be allowed. So keep us in your thoughts that the meeting will go well.
When we got pregnant we immediately contacted a local community support program that helps families in having healthy homes, parenting advice, community outreach programs and so on. They are in our home weekly at our request. We did this to be able to show our home is safe, healthy and we are good parents. That being home with us is what is best for our new baby but also for my other 3 children as well. Our home is big enough easily.
So that is where we stand right now with my kids and social services. As far as social services are concerned they won the trial and that is the end of it. They don't care that they now have all the proof that they need that they won because of lies. They don't care that it is now easily proven that the children at their choice were being kept with a sever abuser who pulled the wool over all their eyes, keeping my children from me and harming them in so many ways. They don't care. As far as they are concerned they won the trial and own my children. And will place them in an adoptive home as soon as possible. I want them home with me but I do not know what to do to get that to happen. I don't even know how to make it so I can just see my sons. I have since learned that they can be adopted out to different homes and if the adoptive parents choose to change their names and refuse them contact with me or even each other ever agian that they can legally do that. They could end up never seeing each other agian unless they can find each other as adults. Where is the justice in any of this? Please message me if you, the reader, can think of any way to bring them home.
My dad(step dad) is also very happy to be a grandparent. They sent a wonderful package of clothes for our new son. I am loving being a daughter agian and a mom agian. But my life will never be complete till all my children are in my life agian. Please if you can, help bring them home and end this dark time for all of us once and for all.
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Some of you may wonder why we would have another one when I don't have my other 3 home yet. 2 reasons. One is because I am a mom. That is who I am. It is what makes me complete. We wanted him in every sense of the word. The second was because I was at a dead end when it came to trying to get my kids back. I don't have the kind of money needed to fight another court battle. So I thought if I could prove how things truly are with another baby over a small period of time then I might have a chance to bring my children home because I would be showing that our home is safe and not what the lies of my mother made so many in power believe. Those are the reasons why. He was not to replace my children in any way, shape or form. He was/is wanted and so are my other 3 children.
Now the original plan was, since we knew about the cleft lip, to wait till our son was born, go to his 2 week evaluation at the childrens hospital and then contact social services about setting up visitation with my other 3 children and hopefully be considered for them to come home. Well it didn't quite go that way. Our son was born but a week shy of us going to the childrens hospital my daughter sent me a facebook message. Yup you read that right too. My daughter contacted me. What a day that was. I was so happy, worried about her and so many other emotions. She and her brothers are in seperate foster homes but she says they get to see each other ever other week. They are also under an adoption worker who is trying to place them. And yes I have spoken to her. My daughter says she will refuse any adoption for her. She is in a wonderful foster home and her foster mom is very nice. Fully supporting her contact with me. Though once Social Services found out they stopped the nightly chats to just once a week, saying that is better for my daughters emotional state till we are evaluated. Neither she or I are happy about it but it is better then the no contact.
I was able to mail their birthday gifts to the adoption worker and know my daughter got hers. I have no idea if my sons have recieved theirs. No contact is allowed right now with my sons. The adoption worker is firm in their stance that they are being place with a family for adoption and that contact with me could hinder that. I am doing my best to convince them to allow contact. Even mailed off all their Christmas Presents today. This week an adoption person from our city is coming to our home to evaluate us to see if Facebook contact with my daughter will continue to be allowed. So keep us in your thoughts that the meeting will go well.
When we got pregnant we immediately contacted a local community support program that helps families in having healthy homes, parenting advice, community outreach programs and so on. They are in our home weekly at our request. We did this to be able to show our home is safe, healthy and we are good parents. That being home with us is what is best for our new baby but also for my other 3 children as well. Our home is big enough easily.
So that is where we stand right now with my kids and social services. As far as social services are concerned they won the trial and that is the end of it. They don't care that they now have all the proof that they need that they won because of lies. They don't care that it is now easily proven that the children at their choice were being kept with a sever abuser who pulled the wool over all their eyes, keeping my children from me and harming them in so many ways. They don't care. As far as they are concerned they won the trial and own my children. And will place them in an adoptive home as soon as possible. I want them home with me but I do not know what to do to get that to happen. I don't even know how to make it so I can just see my sons. I have since learned that they can be adopted out to different homes and if the adoptive parents choose to change their names and refuse them contact with me or even each other ever agian that they can legally do that. They could end up never seeing each other agian unless they can find each other as adults. Where is the justice in any of this? Please message me if you, the reader, can think of any way to bring them home.
My dad(step dad) is also very happy to be a grandparent. They sent a wonderful package of clothes for our new son. I am loving being a daughter agian and a mom agian. But my life will never be complete till all my children are in my life agian. Please if you can, help bring them home and end this dark time for all of us once and for all.
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Sunday, November 18, 2012
My Beautiful Daughter Turned 14 Today
My beautiful daughter turned 14 today. When I think of her I see the little girl that was amazing to be around right from her very first breath. The little baby who stole my breath away when she was placed in my arms and I gazed into her gorgeous blue eyes for the first time. I see the little toddler who was quick to smile and would do anything to get people to laugh. The 6yr old child who was so curious about life and had endless questions. The 8yr old who was starting to show her talents for so many things.
But now she is a young lady. I have missed so much the past few years. She is not the little baby, toddler, or child. She is a strong and beautiful young lady. Someone who has her own dreams and ambitions. Someone who can now make her wishes and choices known. She has been through more then someone should in an entire life time. But I hope she has the strength to over come and grow to be the extraordinary young woman that I always knew was in her to be.
I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do with her by the time she turned 14. I have missed out on so many things with her. So many firsts that a young lady should have with her mother. I hope to not miss out on many more. I hope to be able to be there when she goes on her first date. To watch her excitement, to help her know that she is special and to expect respect. I hope to be there for her first prom. Help her pick out her dress, get her hair done and so much more. To drive her nuts with all the pictures I will take.
I hope to watch her graduate. To see her get her diploma, something I never got to do. To help her know just how proud I am of her for accomplishing so much. I hope to be there when she gets engaged, help to plan her wedding, do all the mom and daughter things to help her be ready for such a big step. And I hope to be there when she has her first baby. To watch her feel the same over powering love and joy when that special little child is placed in her arms. See her finally know what I knew when then placed her in mine.
That nothing in this world can compare to the love of a mother for her child. I love you my wonderful beautiful daughter.
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But now she is a young lady. I have missed so much the past few years. She is not the little baby, toddler, or child. She is a strong and beautiful young lady. Someone who has her own dreams and ambitions. Someone who can now make her wishes and choices known. She has been through more then someone should in an entire life time. But I hope she has the strength to over come and grow to be the extraordinary young woman that I always knew was in her to be.
I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do with her by the time she turned 14. I have missed out on so many things with her. So many firsts that a young lady should have with her mother. I hope to not miss out on many more. I hope to be able to be there when she goes on her first date. To watch her excitement, to help her know that she is special and to expect respect. I hope to be there for her first prom. Help her pick out her dress, get her hair done and so much more. To drive her nuts with all the pictures I will take.
I hope to watch her graduate. To see her get her diploma, something I never got to do. To help her know just how proud I am of her for accomplishing so much. I hope to be there when she gets engaged, help to plan her wedding, do all the mom and daughter things to help her be ready for such a big step. And I hope to be there when she has her first baby. To watch her feel the same over powering love and joy when that special little child is placed in her arms. See her finally know what I knew when then placed her in mine.
That nothing in this world can compare to the love of a mother for her child. I love you my wonderful beautiful daughter.
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Thursday, October 18, 2012
Confirmation of Childhood Trama's
This will also be an on going post, to be updated as people confirm things or share with me things they remember either being told directly from my mother or witnessing them selves. I will only share from people who have given permission and if at all possible use their own writing to give the info so that it is a first person account and not my trying to recall it. This stuff is from what the rescuer has shared with me so far:
" I am not sure if you remember this or not....when we were in (towns name removed) Your mom did something to you and I was horrified, it was the only thing I had ever known about in (towns name removed), Your third step dad was away on course for the military.....she was angry about something she said you did...think you were throwing notes down over the banister?....anyway she packed a suitcase for you and put you out on the doorstep and locked the door and made you stay out there all night...she would go every so often to the door and tell you to get walking....she had the GALL to tell me about it and to tell me you were crying and telling her you didn't want to leave.....I was absolutely HORRIFIED...I told her I couldn't believe she had done that and that I would NEVER do something like that to my child....sooooo to this very day your mom does NOT know that I went to the family centre on base...the military had their own social workers....I told the woman what I had been told....they were supposed to be there to HELP dependants...anyway she told me that if she reported it your third step dad would have to go up on charge and he could get booted out of the military....well crap I didn't want that to happen and I thought what your mom did was a ONE TIME THING and I thought because I had told her how I felt about it she wouldn't do it again and so I left the family centre and did nothing more about it...OH if I only would have known the truth!!!!!!! It could have ended there and you would not have endured her years of torture and more children would have been spared...You were like 8 yrs old....so she had been doing it a LONG time....."
The notes she describes is when ever my step dad was gone and the abuse was getting bad I would drop notes over the banister when people were visiting hoping just one person would read one and get me help. They said things like "My mommy hurts me", "my mommy hates me." and so on. I know very childish things but I was a child and knew of no other way to express myself. When someone did find one my mother explained it away as me going through a "phase" and I was rebelling from her punishing me and such. People then would get angry at me. To have this memory confirmed was huge for me.
".....I do remember when you girls and your mom moved in with me for the months in (city name removed).....I don't know if you will remember or not....one day your mother flipped at you for some MINOR thing and she grabed you by the hair and started to drag you across the floor, she had CLAWED your face with her nails....do you remember me running into the kitchen and grabbing her???? It was the first and only time I had witnessed her doing something like that....I grabbed her and screamed for her to stop and I told her if she EVER touched you again when I was around I would hurt her bad!!!!!....I just didn't know that this was a usual behaviour for her or I would have called child services and I am so sorry and heart sick for you.....when I was reading your blog all I could see was your daughter, the scalding hot dish water etc etc...it is a PATTERN of abuse on your moms part.....stomach sickening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......."
The specific incident she is discribing I have no recall of because there are so many instances just like that. After a while they all blend together. And my childrens rescuer is right it is a pattern with only subtle changes and once and a while something new added as her confidence grew. The scalding dish water was a normal occurance for all of us. From me right through to the step kids and then my children.
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" I am not sure if you remember this or not....when we were in (towns name removed) Your mom did something to you and I was horrified, it was the only thing I had ever known about in (towns name removed), Your third step dad was away on course for the military.....she was angry about something she said you did...think you were throwing notes down over the banister?....anyway she packed a suitcase for you and put you out on the doorstep and locked the door and made you stay out there all night...she would go every so often to the door and tell you to get walking....she had the GALL to tell me about it and to tell me you were crying and telling her you didn't want to leave.....I was absolutely HORRIFIED...I told her I couldn't believe she had done that and that I would NEVER do something like that to my child....sooooo to this very day your mom does NOT know that I went to the family centre on base...the military had their own social workers....I told the woman what I had been told....they were supposed to be there to HELP dependants...anyway she told me that if she reported it your third step dad would have to go up on charge and he could get booted out of the military....well crap I didn't want that to happen and I thought what your mom did was a ONE TIME THING and I thought because I had told her how I felt about it she wouldn't do it again and so I left the family centre and did nothing more about it...OH if I only would have known the truth!!!!!!! It could have ended there and you would not have endured her years of torture and more children would have been spared...You were like 8 yrs old....so she had been doing it a LONG time....."
The notes she describes is when ever my step dad was gone and the abuse was getting bad I would drop notes over the banister when people were visiting hoping just one person would read one and get me help. They said things like "My mommy hurts me", "my mommy hates me." and so on. I know very childish things but I was a child and knew of no other way to express myself. When someone did find one my mother explained it away as me going through a "phase" and I was rebelling from her punishing me and such. People then would get angry at me. To have this memory confirmed was huge for me.
".....I do remember when you girls and your mom moved in with me for the months in (city name removed).....I don't know if you will remember or not....one day your mother flipped at you for some MINOR thing and she grabed you by the hair and started to drag you across the floor, she had CLAWED your face with her nails....do you remember me running into the kitchen and grabbing her???? It was the first and only time I had witnessed her doing something like that....I grabbed her and screamed for her to stop and I told her if she EVER touched you again when I was around I would hurt her bad!!!!!....I just didn't know that this was a usual behaviour for her or I would have called child services and I am so sorry and heart sick for you.....when I was reading your blog all I could see was your daughter, the scalding hot dish water etc etc...it is a PATTERN of abuse on your moms part.....stomach sickening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......."
The specific incident she is discribing I have no recall of because there are so many instances just like that. After a while they all blend together. And my childrens rescuer is right it is a pattern with only subtle changes and once and a while something new added as her confidence grew. The scalding dish water was a normal occurance for all of us. From me right through to the step kids and then my children.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Your Mommy Loves You and Misses You Too
This one is about what I have learned about what my oldest son has gone through. This one is not as lengthy as my daughters. She seemed to focus most of her abuse on her but my oldest son did get a lot of it as well. Picking favorites was a common thing for my mother to do when dealing with more then one child. One was usually the focus for most of the abuse, one was usually the most favored and one would be an extra outlet. These positions could and sometimes did change but not very often.
This blog will be about both my sons.
".....Your mom never touched your youngest son, as I told Social Services, Your youngest was her favorite, he got whatever he wanted.....her husband on the other hand picked him up off the floor by his arm and flung him onto the couch.....BUT while I yelled at her husband for doing it that would NOT be seen as "abuse" by Social Services.....SEVERAL times your mom slapped her hand over your oldest son's mouth when he would try to tell me something about you....Your mom would tell him NOT to mention you but the poor little guy wanted to talk about you...one early evening he was on the couch beside "Grandma" and he said to me " do you know I miss my mom?" and your mom tripped, she snacked her hand over his mouth and held it there and the tears rolled down his face....I said "Your moms name!!!!!!" she let go of his mouth but she told me he knew he is not allowed to talk about his mother...........the boys had to go to bed every night at 5:30 and could not come out of their rooms until morning and then ONLY when your mom said they could come out......they had x amount of time in which to eat their meals...if they took longer (she used a timer) then their meal was taken from them and put in the fridge and every other meal time it was sat in front of them COLD and they were told to eat it...if not...back in the fridge till the next meal rolled around....I was soooooooo sick over that but all I thought was many parents do that and sooooo will it be seen as abuse if I report it?????????????????????? I didn't know...I just knew it was something I would NEVER do to my kids or any children for that matter........"
Continued:
At this point their rescuer had shared 3 recent pictures with me that were taken at the beginning of summer of this year. Their rescuer has been in email contact with my daughter and recived the pictures through her. She has also shared some of the emails with me. In one of the pictures is all three of my kids. My daughter is hugging her two brothers. My oldest son though, who was well know for being the one to have a constant smile, has such a hurt face. He looks so sad and angry in the picture that I started to cry when I saw it. This is part of the email I recieved from their rescuer when we were discussing the pictures. I had also sent her pictures of my children when I last had them for a visit so she could have some that showed them happy and having fun.
"I can't look at the picture of your oldest son...I can see his pain and his total unhappiness and it KILLS me..........he was such a loving little boy but you know that, he NEVER left the house or came back in without coming to me and wrapping his little arms around me and would lay his head on my chest and would say "I love you" and I would tell him I loved him too.......oh G-d...it was spring Conference, not long before the children were taken....Your mom and her husband went to conference, actually it was Stake Conference.....I had the 3 kids in the back yard.....Your mom had bought the boys these toys, paddle ball, they each had one....the paddle balls were sitting in the livingroom so I took them into the back yard for the boys to play with...Your daughter was sitting on the deck talking with me....Your mom and her husband came home...Your mom went ballistic because I let the boys play with the paddle balls...she screamed at me "they will play with them when I say they can"....I tried to talk to her and tell her I was sorry as she snatched them from the boys....I can still see their little faces....she screamed at me to "SHUT UP" I stood there helplessly.....she took off in the van and was gone ALL day, NO ONE knew where she went....NO ONE knew when she would come back....everyone walked around that day not speaking....I asked her husband once if he would take the truck and go look for her and he said "NO"...Her husband cooked dinner, NONE of us ate...we sat there in silence at the table....only her husband ate....at one point your oldest son looked like he didn't know wether to cry or what....he put his head in his hand and said to me " you shouldn't have made grandma mad" Her husband looked at him and told your oldest son to shut his mouth....I sat there wanting to cry and giving your oldest son a look that said I was sorry......while we were still at the table your mom came back....she was storming through the house, throwing things and calling us all idiots.....she made the boys go to bed....they had no dinner....they were unable to eat....I felt it was all my fault for giving them the stupid paddle balls!!!!"
This happened on the last day of August and though it is good news it made me cry because I wish I had been there. Though if I had I don't think I could have stayed in the car:
" I saw your youngest son today....we were coming back from a city over and when we were going through one of the small towns I swung around and fairly yelled "That's the youngest son!!!!!" ....so my friend who was driving me turned the car around and she parked where he wouldn't be able to see me and I watched him play on a jumgle jim set, you know the ones with the tree house etc.....he lloks...he is still slim but my gosh he has filled out some....he's taller of course but there was NO mistaking it was him.......he looked like he was having a blast sooooo even though I did cry it was just from seeing him and to see him run and laugh and play, to be a child like he is supposed to be.....so I just wanted to tell you I saw him and he looks well and healthy...we sat for about 15 minutes and then we left....."
If you remember in one of my blog posts 2 yrs ago I discribed how skinny my youngest son was. Malnurished type of skinny. He was about 10lbs under the weight he should have been for his age and height at the time. I had taken pictures at that time and my lawyer showed them to Social Services but my concerns were ignored and later I was threatened to not take them to any emergeny personel or lose visits. Anyway as you can see here it took him being removed and going to a foster home to start gaining weight. I am so glad he is gaining weight agian but still worry that the lack of proper nutrition for the previous 3 1/2 yrs will have still caused some permant long term damage.
Continue:
This is what went on after the kids were taken from my mother:
".....Your sons were placed in (name of town removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (name of town removed)....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (name of town removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldest son was beating your younger son until your younger son would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mom doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were.... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't"
My oldest son had never been violent in his life. When he learned I was pregnant with his younger brother he was so excited to be a big brother. He loved to help care for him, hold him, play with him and so on. My oldest was the type of boy where he would meet someone and give them a hug and tell them he liked them. He loved helping with the puppies and was so gentle. To hear that he has been tramatized by the abuse to become this violent and to his younger brother tears my heart in two. The sooner they can come home, get off the experimental medication, have a new evaluation with a clean system with proper symptoms listed and proper evaluation done, proper therapy and support and so on the better. They are all good kids. They are all loving kids. They need their mom and they need a family where they can all be loved together.
"....Your sister tried to get permanent guardienship of the boys after the kids were taken from your mom & her husband; she did not want your daughter...she was approved and then changed her mind because the boys' social worker told your sister and her husband that the boys especially your oldest son are so violent now that they could not be trusted to be alone with your sisters girls and that the boys have so many mental/emotional problems it could destroy your sister and her husbands marriage so your sister backed away...."
First why is it always my daughter that no one wants? Of course she has issues now. After all she has been through I would be shocked if she didn't. But to show her how unwanted she is by wanting her brothers but not her? That adds insult to injury when she has done nothing wrong. My second question is why did I not get contacted to take them all? I don't care if they have issues of any sort. I would find every support I could have aviable to me to help them. They are my children, stolen from me by proven lies. Why did it take their rescuer coming forward a year and a half later? Why did the courts not come to me right away as soon as it was realized that this woman lied completely in court to cover up the abuse? Their whole case was destroyed and yet I lost another year and a half with my children? If it wasn't for the kindness of their rescuer coming forward I would still not know.
More to be added as I learn it
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This blog will be about both my sons.
".....Your mom never touched your youngest son, as I told Social Services, Your youngest was her favorite, he got whatever he wanted.....her husband on the other hand picked him up off the floor by his arm and flung him onto the couch.....BUT while I yelled at her husband for doing it that would NOT be seen as "abuse" by Social Services.....SEVERAL times your mom slapped her hand over your oldest son's mouth when he would try to tell me something about you....Your mom would tell him NOT to mention you but the poor little guy wanted to talk about you...one early evening he was on the couch beside "Grandma" and he said to me " do you know I miss my mom?" and your mom tripped, she snacked her hand over his mouth and held it there and the tears rolled down his face....I said "Your moms name!!!!!!" she let go of his mouth but she told me he knew he is not allowed to talk about his mother...........the boys had to go to bed every night at 5:30 and could not come out of their rooms until morning and then ONLY when your mom said they could come out......they had x amount of time in which to eat their meals...if they took longer (she used a timer) then their meal was taken from them and put in the fridge and every other meal time it was sat in front of them COLD and they were told to eat it...if not...back in the fridge till the next meal rolled around....I was soooooooo sick over that but all I thought was many parents do that and sooooo will it be seen as abuse if I report it?????????????????????? I didn't know...I just knew it was something I would NEVER do to my kids or any children for that matter........"
Continued:
At this point their rescuer had shared 3 recent pictures with me that were taken at the beginning of summer of this year. Their rescuer has been in email contact with my daughter and recived the pictures through her. She has also shared some of the emails with me. In one of the pictures is all three of my kids. My daughter is hugging her two brothers. My oldest son though, who was well know for being the one to have a constant smile, has such a hurt face. He looks so sad and angry in the picture that I started to cry when I saw it. This is part of the email I recieved from their rescuer when we were discussing the pictures. I had also sent her pictures of my children when I last had them for a visit so she could have some that showed them happy and having fun.
"I can't look at the picture of your oldest son...I can see his pain and his total unhappiness and it KILLS me..........he was such a loving little boy but you know that, he NEVER left the house or came back in without coming to me and wrapping his little arms around me and would lay his head on my chest and would say "I love you" and I would tell him I loved him too.......oh G-d...it was spring Conference, not long before the children were taken....Your mom and her husband went to conference, actually it was Stake Conference.....I had the 3 kids in the back yard.....Your mom had bought the boys these toys, paddle ball, they each had one....the paddle balls were sitting in the livingroom so I took them into the back yard for the boys to play with...Your daughter was sitting on the deck talking with me....Your mom and her husband came home...Your mom went ballistic because I let the boys play with the paddle balls...she screamed at me "they will play with them when I say they can"....I tried to talk to her and tell her I was sorry as she snatched them from the boys....I can still see their little faces....she screamed at me to "SHUT UP" I stood there helplessly.....she took off in the van and was gone ALL day, NO ONE knew where she went....NO ONE knew when she would come back....everyone walked around that day not speaking....I asked her husband once if he would take the truck and go look for her and he said "NO"...Her husband cooked dinner, NONE of us ate...we sat there in silence at the table....only her husband ate....at one point your oldest son looked like he didn't know wether to cry or what....he put his head in his hand and said to me " you shouldn't have made grandma mad" Her husband looked at him and told your oldest son to shut his mouth....I sat there wanting to cry and giving your oldest son a look that said I was sorry......while we were still at the table your mom came back....she was storming through the house, throwing things and calling us all idiots.....she made the boys go to bed....they had no dinner....they were unable to eat....I felt it was all my fault for giving them the stupid paddle balls!!!!"
This happened on the last day of August and though it is good news it made me cry because I wish I had been there. Though if I had I don't think I could have stayed in the car:
" I saw your youngest son today....we were coming back from a city over and when we were going through one of the small towns I swung around and fairly yelled "That's the youngest son!!!!!" ....so my friend who was driving me turned the car around and she parked where he wouldn't be able to see me and I watched him play on a jumgle jim set, you know the ones with the tree house etc.....he lloks...he is still slim but my gosh he has filled out some....he's taller of course but there was NO mistaking it was him.......he looked like he was having a blast sooooo even though I did cry it was just from seeing him and to see him run and laugh and play, to be a child like he is supposed to be.....so I just wanted to tell you I saw him and he looks well and healthy...we sat for about 15 minutes and then we left....."
If you remember in one of my blog posts 2 yrs ago I discribed how skinny my youngest son was. Malnurished type of skinny. He was about 10lbs under the weight he should have been for his age and height at the time. I had taken pictures at that time and my lawyer showed them to Social Services but my concerns were ignored and later I was threatened to not take them to any emergeny personel or lose visits. Anyway as you can see here it took him being removed and going to a foster home to start gaining weight. I am so glad he is gaining weight agian but still worry that the lack of proper nutrition for the previous 3 1/2 yrs will have still caused some permant long term damage.
Continue:
This is what went on after the kids were taken from my mother:
".....Your sons were placed in (name of town removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (name of town removed)....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (name of town removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldest son was beating your younger son until your younger son would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mom doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were.... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't"
My oldest son had never been violent in his life. When he learned I was pregnant with his younger brother he was so excited to be a big brother. He loved to help care for him, hold him, play with him and so on. My oldest was the type of boy where he would meet someone and give them a hug and tell them he liked them. He loved helping with the puppies and was so gentle. To hear that he has been tramatized by the abuse to become this violent and to his younger brother tears my heart in two. The sooner they can come home, get off the experimental medication, have a new evaluation with a clean system with proper symptoms listed and proper evaluation done, proper therapy and support and so on the better. They are all good kids. They are all loving kids. They need their mom and they need a family where they can all be loved together.
"....Your sister tried to get permanent guardienship of the boys after the kids were taken from your mom & her husband; she did not want your daughter...she was approved and then changed her mind because the boys' social worker told your sister and her husband that the boys especially your oldest son are so violent now that they could not be trusted to be alone with your sisters girls and that the boys have so many mental/emotional problems it could destroy your sister and her husbands marriage so your sister backed away...."
First why is it always my daughter that no one wants? Of course she has issues now. After all she has been through I would be shocked if she didn't. But to show her how unwanted she is by wanting her brothers but not her? That adds insult to injury when she has done nothing wrong. My second question is why did I not get contacted to take them all? I don't care if they have issues of any sort. I would find every support I could have aviable to me to help them. They are my children, stolen from me by proven lies. Why did it take their rescuer coming forward a year and a half later? Why did the courts not come to me right away as soon as it was realized that this woman lied completely in court to cover up the abuse? Their whole case was destroyed and yet I lost another year and a half with my children? If it wasn't for the kindness of their rescuer coming forward I would still not know.
More to be added as I learn it
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My Youngest Son Is 5yrs Old Today
And has gone through a life time of experiences in those 5yrs. I miss you my son. I hope you are doing well with the family you are with. I hope you are having a wonderful birthday full of laughter, hugs and surprises. I wish we were there to help you celebrate. I wish I was there to watch you blow out your candles, watch your eyes light up as you open each present.
I remember the last birthday you had with us. You had so much fun. It was one of the last visits we got to have with you. And I will always cherish those memories. I remember you blowing out your candles on your chocolate cake, opening your presents. You favorite was your big semi that could carry several cars and had a double ramp. We still have it. It is still here waiting for you.
I have looked at the wall with your picture on it. The last picture we have of you is when you turned 3yrs old. I hope soon we will be together to take a new one. I remember the fun you had in helping Donald Duck build or fix things. You always wanted to help and be a part of everything. You never gave up even when it took you a long time to figure things out. I remember how much fun you had running around the house as we played tag or I tried to get pictures.
Some of my favorite memories was when we built forts with sheets in your and your brothers room. You had such a scared face at first and then looked so confused wondering why we were making a mess. Now I know why that is but I am so glad you got to have fun being a little boy and building those forts and then playing in them. And I know you had so much fun jumping on them from your bed to take them down. Your giggles were endless on those days.
I miss you so much and I hope to never miss another birthday if at all possible. Happy 5th B-day my son.
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I remember the last birthday you had with us. You had so much fun. It was one of the last visits we got to have with you. And I will always cherish those memories. I remember you blowing out your candles on your chocolate cake, opening your presents. You favorite was your big semi that could carry several cars and had a double ramp. We still have it. It is still here waiting for you.
I have looked at the wall with your picture on it. The last picture we have of you is when you turned 3yrs old. I hope soon we will be together to take a new one. I remember the fun you had in helping Donald Duck build or fix things. You always wanted to help and be a part of everything. You never gave up even when it took you a long time to figure things out. I remember how much fun you had running around the house as we played tag or I tried to get pictures.
Some of my favorite memories was when we built forts with sheets in your and your brothers room. You had such a scared face at first and then looked so confused wondering why we were making a mess. Now I know why that is but I am so glad you got to have fun being a little boy and building those forts and then playing in them. And I know you had so much fun jumping on them from your bed to take them down. Your giggles were endless on those days.
I miss you so much and I hope to never miss another birthday if at all possible. Happy 5th B-day my son.
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