Above All I Am Loved - A Post of My Daughters Own Words

*My daughters own words only names have been removed*

 

I have been through much, three years of abuse from grandmother, years of abuse from my dad, and absolute idiocy from social services. Ya, my life hasn't been the greatest, but it is about to take a turn for the better, the tables have turned, the genie's out of the bottle, Pandora's box has opened, whatever you want to call it.

 

Yes, I am content.  I am about to get a new social worker, one of the best. (YAY!) There is going to be a big meeting, and my overnight visit went extremely well (except for being extremely short...). 

When I arrived the dogs went crazy. Sheena and Daya(dogs) were both barking as loud as they could. My moms partner and Mom were both excited (we were an hour late so they thought that we had been in a car crash, worried much?) My brother though was all grins. He was very happy to see me. I met Pax(cat) who was in heat and was extremely annoying. Their cat Zen (Prince's second life) usually runs from strangers, we became good friends instantly. My foster mom called me the cat whisperer (I guess I am), then my foster parents left.

 

Mom had made ribs, rice, vegetables and juice. It was so good. After I had a shower and we all went to bed. (My brother was very fussy.)

 

The next day the two cats woke me up and I let them out. I went back to bed. Later I was woken by my moms partner and I sat on the couch. Sheena was being sweet and Daya kept sniffing me. My moms partner made a delicious breakfast that will water anyone's mouth. After I got dressed my brother went for a nap. I did my homework and mom went on the computer. After homework was done I went on my IPod. Later we went shopping, I got three shirts and a pair of shorts. We had a lot of fun. When we arrived home mom made pizza while her partner and I got slurpies (mine is still at moms house which she better not throw out). We are pizza and watched Oz the Great and Powerful. I went for a shower and they made ice cream. I used my Proactive. I sat down as we all talked and laughed. Later we all went to bed. The next day I got up and had to pack and mom washed my clothes. I did the rest of my homework. Later they showed me around Medicine Hat. Lots of things to do there. If I ever get bored they might kick me outside. We stopped at the Dollar Giant and I got something's. We got home and I had pizza and ice cream for lunch. We sat and talked and mom took pictures. My foster parents picked me up at about 4:00. 

 

Through this whole experience I learned that I have been abused, hurt, neglected, but, above all I am loved. 

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Half Empty or Half Full?

I would say my home this week was half full.  Our home and family was half full this week.  My daughter came for her first ever over night visit.  It went from 8pm Tuesday - 4pm Thursday.  The foster parents had thought they would arrive by 7pm but they got lost trying to navigate around our city.  By 8pm my partner called their house to see if they had gotten word.  We were worried about maybe a car accident or something.  Can't stop worrying.  It is part of being a mom.  But within a few minutes they arrived.  We showed them around the house and showed my daughter her room so that she could put her stuff there.  We visited a few minutes and then they left and we all got ready for dinner. 

My partner and I had decided it was better to treat things just like it would be if she lived here.  That way she would adjust faster.  We had done the same with my sons and within a few visits they knew what the routine, rules and expectations were.  Which made the transition so much less stressful. So right away she jumped right in with helping to set the table while we finished up getting everything ready to serve up.  Dinner turned out perfect.  There was a bit of negotiation as to how much she needed to eat but none of it was stressful.  We all talked about our day and just enjoyed being a family.  We discussed the plans for the next day as well.  There was a lot of laughing and joking.

After dinner I took our son in to have a bath while my partner and my daughter cleared the table and put dinner away.  After my sons bath my daughter went and had her shower.  Afterwards my partner and my daughter started to practice the guitars.  He had gotten her one because she was interested in learning and since he already played one he had agreed to teach her.  With in a short amount of time it was bed time.  We all went to bed a lot more content and feeling like this was the way things were suppose to be.  We all felt like two important family members were missing but we were so happy to have each other.  One step closer to our family being whole again.

Sadly I woke with a very scratchy throat and spent a good portion of the night coughing.  By morning it was clear I was getting a cold and my voice was going.  I was determined though that it would not interrupt our plans.  I was exhausted, head ached badly along with my body but I wanted my daughter to see what it was like living here.  In the morning she slept in but was up by about 9 or so.  My partner made his famous egg and bacon sandwiches.  She loved them.  We all sat at the table and had a good start to the day.  When my son went for his nap my daughter and I made cookies.  She shared with me some of her experiences and I shared with her some of my knowledge about cooking.  She said when her grandmother was teaching her to cook she was suppose to sit at the table and just watch and not do anything.  Where as I am opposite.  I oversee everything but the person learning does the majority of the work.  I think she enjoyed that way much better.  The cookies turned out perfectly too. 

By this time my son had woken up and we all went out shopping.  When we had visits with my oldest two sons we would take them out with a set amount of money to get them clothes and other necessities.  In this way there was no worries about them forgetting something(my mother was always forgetting to pack proper clothes and things when I had visits).  They would have their own things here.  So we headed out to the store and had a great time.  We got my son what he needed and then started shopping for my daughter.  At first she seemed to not be sure how to go about things.  Whether I would pick and choose for her or if she was allowed to give an opinion.  I let her know that she had to pick her own style.  I gave her boundaries of what she could get(for example shorts could not be so short that if she beds over her butt shows, things like that) but other wise she got to pick and choose what she liked and thought looked good on her.  If she asked I would give my opinion as well.  Though my daughter has the type of figure that everything looks good on.  I also told her never just buy something without trying it on first and making sure she truly liked it.  This way she knew she would want to wear it.  We all had a great time.  She and my partner also spent time making sure I got something nice as well(easier said then done.  lol, I hate shopping for myself).  She got some cute tops and a pair of shorts.  A good start to her wardrobe here.  And then headed home.

Once we got back it was time to get started on making the pizza's.  I had made sure to premade the crusts before we left.  So it was a matter of getting the toppings made and ready and then loading them up and cooking them.  They turned out great.  While they cooked my daughter worked on her homework.  She sat at the coffee table and got half of it done.  At one point she had to ask my partner to not put a movie on because it would be a distraction to her working on her work.  Can you tell we had not had a student in our home in a bit?  lol  There was times when we all just sat around while my sons napped and enjoyed just being together.  No strain, no stress to impress any one.  Just being a normal family.  When supper was done it was time for bed for my littlest one and then my partner started to make home made peach ice cream while my daughter went to have her shower. 

At this point I was utterly exhausted.  My voice was just about gone but I didn't care.  My daughter was home.  Things just felt much more right.  I still felt a huge emptiness because of my sons not being here but she was home.  I hated that we had less then one day left together.  But I also did not feel the same dread I felt every time we had to bring my sons back to my mother.  When I would drop them off I knew that they were living in hell.  No one would believe me then but I knew it.  But this time I also knew my daughter was safe with her foster family.  I knew they took good care of her.  I knew they cared about her and thanks to their dedication to her we now had visits with the outlook for the future of her coming home.  So even though I felt the sadness of her going to be leaving the next day I did not feel the same pain and turmoil I had with having to drop my sons off when they were going to my mothers.

That night I coughed so much my voice was almost gone by the morning.  With in a few hours though it came back.  In the morning my body ached even more and I was having hot and cold flashes from a fever.  I didn't want to chance getting anyone else sick so breakfast was a grab what ever you want(cereal, toast, reheat yesterdays extra's from breakfast).  I got my daughters laundry done so she would be taking back clean clothes.  She got the rest of her homework done while my son has his morning nap.  Afterwards when he woke we took a drive around the city so we could show her around to all the different areas that might interest her. She read us jokes off her Ipod and we just enjoyed being a family.  Afterwards we stopped at the dollar store so she could spend some of her allowance.  Then we headed home where she had lunch of left over pizza and then she cleaned up her room, got everything packed and ready and then it was just about time for her foster family to show up.

We all knew that we all would be counting the days till she would be home again for another visit but also counting the days till she was home for good.  Her foster family arrived and we all had a good discussion and then it was for them to go.  It was obvious she would have preferred staying but we knew the time would come when she would be home for good. 

When she left the house was instantly silent.  The dogs sat at the door watching her leave.  Then the youngest paced back and fourth from her room to us wondering where she had gone.  We really felt like the house was empty again.  The same feeling we got everything we had to drop off my sons.  Like the soul of the house was gone or part of it was missing.  All in all the visit was wonderful.  We know there will be growing pains, adjustments having to be made, compromises considered and so on as we all learn to be a family again and live under the same roof.  But we also know that it will all be worth it.  We all want to be a family again.  We never should have been so permanently torn apart like we were.  But now is the time to rebuild and bring our family back together.  Hopefully soon my sons will be doing the same things.  Preparing to return home where they belong.  Getting to meet and grow up with their new little brother.  Never to be separated so permanently again.  I loved being able to hug my daughter, laugh with her, joke with her, teach her and be her mom again. 

This family has gone through hell and now is the time that the steps are being made to heal us all and bring us back together.  Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and hope with us that the family that has my sons will open their hearts and see the truth of the situation and realize my sons need their mother.  That they need me as much as I need them and that we are meant to be together as a family.  Now to count the days till the next visit.

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Please Donate Today

For my faithful readers and those new to the blog, as you have read we are trying all we can to stop my sons from being adopted and to bring all my children home.  Even my sons new social worker has stated that her heart bleeds for us but she has to do what her job dictates for her to do so advised us to do all we can to get a lawyer.  With me on disability and my partner working full time but for low wages we just can't afford a lawyer.  The fees we have been quoted is between $50,000 and $60,000 and that could go up.  All the lawyers have stated we do have a case that we can win.  We just don't have the money.  Please don't let money be the deciding factor for my children.  Please don't let money be what keeps them from coming home. 

We also make too much for Legal Aid.  We will continue to fight this battle publicly but we do need a lawyer.  So I have done something I never thought I would.  I am turning to the public to ask for help to create this miracle and reunite my family.  I have made a fundraising page:

Help Reunite Our Family

All the money raised will first go to retaining a lawyer and then to pay the ongoing legal fees to fight this battle.  Please help our family.  Please help show my children that society has not turned their backs on them to be tossed in the wind.  Please help bring them home.  Share the link with how ever you know who might help.  Every dollar helps.

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The Sadness That Comes With Looking At Past Photos

Today I am feeling a lot of sadness as I work on a new project page for my fight to bring my children home.  It is a Facebook page dedicated to bringing my children back into my home and life.  Feel free to join it and pass it on to your friends to help support us in this battle:

Help Reunite A Family

Things are moving way too slowly when it comes to my sons coming home.  The social worker continues to refuse to give me their new social workers contact information and there is no good reason why.  I am starting to wonder if this is just a game to buy them time till the adoption is finalized.  Whether it is or not I am not just going to sit back expecting them to tell the facts to the adopting family or do the ethical and morally right thing to do by returning them home to me and their siblings.  I need to some how do more.  So that page is my first attempt.  My next attempt will be a video that I hope will go viral till someone can step up and help us create the miracle of bringing my children home. 

As I work on that new page I look back at all the photos and videos of the visits and a sadness comes over me.  Here are my beautiful children.  Smiling, laughing and full of cuddles.  It has been 4 years since I have been with them all together.  Then when you add in my new son none of them have all been together ever.  They are siblings and they should be able to grow up as siblings.  Then I think about how long it has been since all three of them had been in my arms.  I can almost remember the warmth of their little arms, the strength of their grips as they held on to me so tight. 

I am so thankful for my new son and being able to see my daughter but I will never feel complete till all my children are home together.  So the struggle to make my family whole continues.

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THe House Inspection that was Not a House Inspection

Well all I can say is that was interesting last night. First our Community Support worker arrived at 6:30. She walked the house and as far as she could tell it was clean and safe. Then we all waited for my daughters social worker to arrive. She arrived a few minutes late which we expected since it sounded like she was not in our city often. We made the introductions between her and our Community Support worker. Then we showed her the house. She didn't make any comments on the house or it's set up. We then went into the livingroom and all sat down and then she said this is not the house inspection. This was just for her to meet us here to see the place and us prior to allowing supervised visits for my daughter. She said that we would have to go through a home safety check before any unsupervised visits could happen. We said that is not a problem because the whole house had passed when we had regular visits with my sons here. She seemed confused at that point.

She then handed me some papers to sign up for the Post Adoption Registry. So that when the adoption is finalized if the adopting family agrees then messages to my sons, gifts and so on would go through the registry and not through Children Services since they would no longer be registered with Childrens Services at that point. She agian refused to give me the new workers information stating that the new worker has not yet been informed that I am involved and trying to get them back. So then I stated that "shouldn't they be?" and she commented "Do you want her to be?" Like it has ever been my choice. I said of course. I also stated that the adopting family should also be made aware that I am fighting this and wanting my sons back. She then stated that they didn't think I wanted them told. I never said that ever. They never gave me a choice. They always stated that I was not going to stop this adoption so they were not going to tell them till it was finalized. Instead she is now putting it all on me. I told her they should be told because then they can make an educated decision about whether they really want to get in the middle of this fight with a mother who will not give up. I said I feel bad for the family who wants them because they obviously want a family, she smiled then, and then I said but since no one is telling them the full history and what is going on they are being set up for heart break.

She then stated that she wished I had shown interest in my sons sooner. Agian trying to put it on me. And I pointed out that I had been trying to contact workers and so on for 2 years only to be ignored, letters and gifts sent back. Showing her where the real blame lies. But she acted like it didn't matter agian stating that once the paperwork is done that my sons will be legally their sons and not my children any more. I told her that no piece of paper would stop my sons from being my sons or make them someone elses. She just smiled at me like I was an idiot.

I asked about my daughter having contact with her brothers if the adoption is finalized and she affirmed that that is totally up to the adopting family and they can stop it at any time. I stated how that was just wrong because they grew up together and she said there was a reason they ended up in care and the PGO being granted. I pointed out that yes there was reason that I needed "HELP". That I should have been given help not had my children removed. She said that is not what the file states. And I said I could just imagine what the file states. I pointed out that their own psychologist passed me with the parental assessment, testified on the stand that the medication and the abuse I was suffering from my spouse is what caused me to bomb the first parental assessment and is why when all that was resolved I passed. She said that was not her understaing of the file. That what she knows and what I am stating is two different things. And I said yes I know. The difference is all their file is full of is peoples opinions and proven false accusations. That I had something that carries more weight. Actual evidence. That if I can get just one unbias judge to look at the evidence that the PGO would be over turned and if that happens that the adoption would then be overturned. I told her peoples words do not carry as much weight as photos, videos, audio recodings, emails and so on that can and will show purjury and not just on my mothers part but also on their own social workers part. She said she hoped I didn't get my hopes up but that she hoped some day my daughter could come home. Talk about a total about face now that she no longer has my sons file. For months it has been that I am living in a fantasy world to think my daughter and sons will come home and now it is that she hopes that sometime in the future she can? I told her it is not a matter of if for all of them it is a matter of when. She then stated that I was to do what I thought I had to do. That she would also fight as hard as she could to get her kids back if she was in my place because that is what a mom should do but she alluded to the fact that it was too little too late.

So all in all that was how it went. I hate how they talk about my children like they are a litter of puppies that they proudly rescued and rehomed instead of children stolen from their mother because of a vindictive abuser.

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Third Visit Update With My Daughter

We had a great visit yesterday.  We had a picnic in the park with my daughters foster mom supervising.  We brought all the food.  I made potato salad, deviled eggs, pork bites, and crossant sandwiches.  For dessert we had fresh cut pineapple and melon and also some dessert bars I had made.  I had printed off another set of 25 pictures for her memory book along with getting her a booklet to help her design barbie clothes.  We arrived early so walk with the dogs down to the bathrooms before heading up to the park area.  We got to bring the dogs since it was an outdoor setting and my daughter was really excited and curious to see if our oldest dog(my retired Service Dog) still remembered her. 

When my daughter arrived she jumped out of the car and called to our oldest dog.  She barked at first and then when she got close enough to sniff her she was rubbing her head all over her.  Then she did something that is only her trait.  Since she was a little pup if anything made her beyond happy she would rub her head on the ground or floor.  She instantly did that.  And continued to do it throughout the visit.  It was obvious to us that she remember my daughter.  We sat for a while talking, eating the food and my daughter played some songs on her flute.  She obviously has talent there.  She also showed me some of her drawings and I have to say she is amazing with her accuracy for some of them.  She also drew me a beautiful picture of a rose for Mothers Day which we will be framing and putting on the wall.  My partner also played his guitar and showed her some finger placements on it.  She wants to learn to play and he has offered to teach her.

After a while we all went to the play area and my daughter got to push her brother in a swing for the first time.  She had him laughing as she played the game "I am going to get your toes" with him.  Then she took him down some slides and we showed him so other areas in the playground.  When we all grew tired of that we took a walk with the dogs around the lake.  My daughter of course wanted to walk our older dog.  As we walked I showed her some dog training tricks.  It was such a beautiful day.  When we got back she was getting a bit chilly so wrapped herself in one of the blankets we brought and sat at the picnic table and talked.  She cuddled up to me in her blanket and we just enjoyed being close.  None of us wanted the visit to come to an end but like always the time went by way to fast.  She hugged and kissed her brother goodbye and then battled with my partner over the pork bites.  lol  They both wanted them.  So he took off at a run with them with her chasing close behind.  She did get them though.  Everyone exchanged hugs and it was over.  Way too soon though.

Today I called the social worker to update her on the visit and to find out the plan for the visit here in 3 weeks.  No one answered so I left a message.  The original plan that she had told us was that she would come with the foster mom and my daughter on the next visit and do the home inspection at the same time.  Well she of course is trying to keep us on our toes.  She called me back and wanted the home inspection to be in a few days.  Not much notice.  Luckily my community support worker is available on that day and time so will be here for it to take notes.  The thing was she hangs up and then sends me an email to confirm the visit.  But the email doesn't just confirm the visit.  It also says that she is no longer my sons social worker so it is up to the adopting family to get a hold of me if they so choose since they are the guardians. 

This left me of course thinking the worst.  That the adoption had been finalized.  So I emailed her back confirming the visit and asking if the adoption is finalized or if my sons just have a new social worker.  No response.  So after a while I call her.  She answers this time.  So I ask her if my sons have a new worker.  She says yes they have a new worker and no the adoption is not finalized.  So I ask for the new workers contact information.  She outright refuses to give it to me.  I ask her why and she says because SHE will not allow me to disrupt this adoption.  I ask her how can I disrupt the adoption by talking to the worker.  It is not like I even know the name of the family who they are with.  She says she is not taking any chances and then asks why I would want the workers name.  Umm seriously?  Really?  She can't thing of any reason why I, their mother, would want the contact information to the social worker who is working with my sons?  I told her because I want to talk to the social worker, ask questions, ask for pictures and so on.  The same as I do with her.  She again says she will not allow me to cause an issue with the adoption.  That once it is finalized then the family will be more willing to contact me.  I bite my tongue and politely tell her she has no valid reason to refuse me my request to have the name and contact information of my children's worker.  She again tells me they are no longer my kids.  So I have no legal standing to get that information but she will talk to her manager and see what they say but she is not comfortable giving it to me so won't.  She will let me know what her manager says when she comes to our home next week. 

This whole thing just amazes me.  How can she sleep at night?  Seriously.  She knows the truth.  She knows that they won the case based on lies, she knows I have always wanted my kids back and will jump through all the hoops I have to to get them back.  If she thinks pushing this adoption through, and not disclosing the truth to the adopting family about this whole situation is going to put an end to it she is in for a surprise.  Even if the adoption is finalized I will not stop the fight to bring them home.  I have all the evidence to show the case to be a fraud. I have all the evidence to prove perjury on their witness and workers parts.  I just need the platform to present it to a judge who is willing to look past Social Services always being "right" and look at it with unbias eyes.  Even if it takes me 10 or more years I will not stop.

Part of me feels bad for the family my sons are with.  I am thankful for them offering their home and family to my sons.  But this is not a normal case.  My sons have a family and a home.  I want no ill will for the family they are with.  And I feel bad that they might feel some heart break if they finalize the adoption only to find out the truth later when I can finally get this before a court and have everything over turned because it will happen.  It is not a matter of if anymore.  It is a matter of when.  But I hope they also realize that I love my sons with all my heart.  Just as much as I love my daughter and their new little brother.  And what kind of mother would I be to just walk away?  No true loving mother could walk away from this.  No true loving mother would ever stop fighting to make her family whole.  My children should not be separated by distance.  They should all be together to grow up and know each other, love each other, support each other.  That is what it means to be a sibling. 

And that is what this social worker does not get.  For her it is just a job and a paycheck.  She does not care or think about the emotional, moral and ethical side of things.  She is given a child, refuses to care about the facts.  She finds them a family and she gets paid.  She doesn't care about the future for them.  Any of them.  And that is sad because these are children, siblings, families.  And this is MY FAMILY.  They are MY FAMILY.

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Mother's Day - Bitter Sweet

With tomorrow being Mother's Day I am finding that there is a war going on within my heart.  I have so much to be thankful for.  One of which is my new son.  He is such a joy in my life.  He has reminded me so much of why I love being a mom.  He has reminded me to slow down and to see things again through the eyes of one newly experiencing life.  He has brought challenges as well as smiles.  He is now 6 months old and I could not imagine this home without him.  He has learned how to say Mom and Ma Ma, how to wave bye, how to sit up and so many other things.  He has his first tooth now too.  The last few Mother's Days have been so cold and quiet.  But having him here helps me to feel the joy of what that day means.  And that is something I have not felt for so long.

Another sweet part is my daughter.  I don't get to see her this Mother's Day but I do get to see her a few days later.  Something I never thought was possible last year.  She is my first child.  The first one to show me the amazing things that can only happen by being a mother.  She was the first one to show me that a babies smile can brighten the worst of days.  She was the first one to show me that a gentle squeeze from tiny arms can warm even the coldest day.  I always feel like I learn just as much from my children as they might be learning from me.  And she taught me a lot.  She continues to show me what an incredibly resilient young lady she is.  How strong and mature she is becoming.  I am so proud of her.  And can't wait to give her a hug when I see her again.

The Bitter part is that there are two more parts to my heart that are missing.  My new son and my daughter take up half of my heart and my other two sons take up the other half.  I can't feel complete without them.  The idea that my two sons will be celebrating Mother's Day with a different family brings me to tears.  They are a part of my soul.  They will always belong here with me, with their brother and sister.  I hope some day the family they are with will see in their hearts that they belong here.  That they were ripped from their family because of someones sick idea of revenge, lies and to cover up the massive mistakes of the governing bodies that were suppose to protect them but instead tore them from their love and safety and placed them in the depths of hell.

I hope next year a miracle will have happened and they will be home.  No matter the occasion or the holiday that will always be my main wish.  The perfect gift.  Children's Services disagree.  They told me a couple of weeks ago that I am not living in reality.  That I will not stop your adoption.  That you are not my children and you belong to someone else.  You are not puppies that someone gave away.  Though it seems to Childrens Services that you are.  You are my sons.  You will always be my sons no matter what a piece of paper says.  I will never stop trying to bring you home.  I will never stop trying to find you.  I will jump through any obstacle to bring you back home.  Some day I hope you will see this and know that all you were told and lead to believe is not true.  You are always wanted and loved by me. 

To all the moms out there who are lucky enough to be surrounded by your children on this day please know just how blessed you are.  Please hug each and every one of your children knowing that there are moms out there that can't and wish they could.

To my sons- I love you more then you could ever know.  I never stopped fighting to bring you home.  I never stopped loving you.  You have a home here.  You always have.  You have a family here.  You always will.  We will be a family some day.  I promise.  I don't know how.  I don't know when.  But I do believe that at some point our miracle will happen.  Someone will step forward and help us to bring you home.  I have to believe that all our suffering will come to an end and we will all be a family again. 

I know tomorrow for me will bring many smiles and many tears.  Happy Mother's Day to all the deserving, loving mothers out there.

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