The Ending Of Another Year and the Beginning of a New One

With 2013 literally being just a few hours away, I have been sitting here going over this past year.  It has been full of so many good and bad things.  A lot of ups and downs. 

One of the bad things was learning about what my children had to endure at the hands of my mother.  Then learning that instead of the department doing the right and ethical thing of contacting me right away once they realized that their whole case against me, and all the complaints made by my mother was lies; they instead decided to not inform me at all and instead put my children into foster care and now trying to adopt them out as quickly as possible.  In doing this they hope that their many many huge mistakes will be kept hidden and they will not have to be held accountable.  They are right.  Legally they are not required to contact me.  Legally they could do what they are doing.  BUT is it right.  They only have that legal right because they won a court case based on lies that are now proven.  Does that make it right just because they did win the case?  No. It is not ethical and it is not right.  The real victims of them only doing what is legal is my children and myself.  My children only knew what my mother told them.  Which was I did not want them or love them.  That was so wrong.  That I abandoned them.  Again so wrong.  Is it right that they should be left to believe that?  Is it right, just because they won a case based on lies, that a family should be forever kept apart?  Isn't that then continuing the suffering?  Continuing the emotional abuse of my children?  The department is suppose to be there to help children that need helping but to try to keep families together where ever possible.  Our experience is that they have and are doing all they can to keep us apart.  If I am such a bad parent then why is my son thriving?  They can't answer that question.  My sons now might be adopted out before ever knowing the truth.  Why?  Because it is easier for the department.  It is easier on them to continue allowing my sons to believe I never wanted them.  Continuing to allow them to believe that I never loved them.  Their presents are sitting on a shelf in an office proving to me that was their plan all along when all the gifts were sent back to me last year and they claimed I never sent any.  This has been their plan all along to hide their screw up.  And no one is stopping them.  No one is standing up and saying this is wrong.  No one is fighting for my family.  I have tried and continue to try but I come up against a brick wall.  I can only do so much.  The department has allowed one woman to destroy 7 lives, 3 generations of children.  To tear apart a mother from her children.  And even with her history of sever abuse she was believed over someone with no history of abuse.  This is what they want hidden.  That they aided this woman in allowing this abuse to continue, in forcing children to stay with a known abuser even when people were telling them what was happening.  That they failed to do their jobs and instead are continuing to emotionally abuse and neglect my children by refusing my daughter and i to see each other and not allowing my sons to even know that I am here.  I weep at what this year has done to my children and my family.  All the while one woman cheers that she can continue to cause such pain by having created this scenario.

But even in the face of such sadness there is joy.  Joy at the bringing of a new life into our home.  Joy of a new brother for my children.  Regardless of the fact that the department told me that he is not their family, that their adoptive family will be their family, he is their brother and always will be.  He will always grow up knowing who they are, what they were like, how they were ripped from our lives and how he was denied the ability to know them thanks to one woman and the department.  He will know the truth when he is old enough.  He will grow up knowing that regardless of what a piece of paper says that they are his family.  He will know that he is loved just as much as they are by us.  That our door is always open to them when ever them can and do come home.  He has made this house a real home, solidified this family, brought laughter and smiles.  He has brought a renewed strength to all of us.

Another is the joy of again having contact with my beautiful daughter.  There has been a part of me that has been so empty without her in my life.  The day she contacted me my heart beat so fast with the happiness it felt.  She never should have been taken from my life but now that she is back in it I am feeling just a little more complete.  It is just a joy to learn about her, her interests, how she is learning and growing.  I hate that I speak to her only a few times a month thanks to the department.  But it is better then no contact.  I am hoping that in the new year we will finally be able to see each other face to face.  That I can finally hug her and tell her in person how much I love her.  That she can finally meet her new brother and hold him and get to know him as she has a right too as his big sister. 

Another joy is having my children's rescuer back in my life.  I had not seen her since I was a teen but the day she contacted me brought some closure to what I knew must have been going on.  She helped to get my children to a safer place physically.  Without her I firmly believe that my mother would have finally succeeded in at the very least permanently physically scaring one of them or at the worst killing one of them.  She was their Saviour and for that will always be considered close family and welcome in our home.  She has also helped to confirm so many memories of my past that my mother either tried to warp or deny to make me look or feel crazy.  This has helped a great deal.

Another joy is my dad.  Finally having my dad back in my life is huge.  I have a family again.  And to be honest I sometimes have no idea how to feel about that.  I am not used to a real family who wants me just for me.  Nothing else.  He has confirmed many things including that my mother lied on the stand in court and to the psychologist who did the parental assessment.  She stated to both that I was severely violent as a child and that as an adult I presented as normal but was actually violent.  All totally untrue.  I was never violent.  I was the opposite.  I spent a lot of time rescuing animals, was shy and quiet and was my dad's shadow when he was home. I was glued to him, why?  Because I saw him as safety from my mother.  He confirmed that all she said was totally untrue.  Proof that she perjured herself on the stand.  I wish he had been at the trial.  Things would have been so different then. 

What do I hope this year brings?  Many things.  I hope to see my daughter.  A home run for me would be her coming home.  I hope to see my sons.  I hope they don't get adopted because the family could refuse any contact with me and continue to allow my sons to believe the lies my mother told them.  A home run for me with my sons is they too come home permanently.  But at the very least I hope to have regular visits with them.  I hope they all get to meet their new brother.  They are siblings and deserve to know each other as that.  I hope to get to meet my dad in person again and get to know him again.  After 26yrs apart it has been too long.  But a trip like that might be impossible for this year.  We are trying but it might not happen.

I hope this year ends my mothers rain of terror and destruction for so many finally.  I hope my family is finally reunited and she is finally out of it forever.  I hope this is the year that starts the beginning of a new and happier chapter for all of us. 

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A Not So Merry Christmas

Sadly Social Services continues their games at my childrens expense.  First we had the meeting with the adoption worker in our city.  It went find.  She got a back history and then asked why we have not tried to see the kids since the trial.  We explained that we had tried.  Many times.  Only to be ignored.  We had sent gifts only to have them returned.  That we didn't find out till the end of August that they were in foster care because no one told us.  She said no one had an obligation to tell us since they are not my kids any more and are under a PGO.  My partner said there is a big difference between doing what is morally and ethically right and doing what is only your legal requirement.  They had all the proof they needed that the PGO was granted based on lies yet still decided that it was better to keep me and my children apart.  The lady did ask us about if we have enough bedrooms, how long we had lived here, our income and so on.  Which I found strange since this was only suppose to be for Facebook contact.  I of course wanted full contact but the permancy worker and this person made it clear it was just for facebook contact.  It lasted an hour and a half with us having no clue what the whole point was.  She met our new baby and saw that he is very healthy and our home was clean and organized.

Then the next day I get informed that my childrens presents arrived at the permancy workers office.  The permancy worker informs me my daughter will get her presents but not my sons.  That they will be meeting a family soon that might adopt them and until then they are not allow to know about me, the gifts from their birthday or Christmas or that we are in contact with their sister.  All under the guise that it is in their best interest.  How is it in their best interest?  Think of just my oldest son for a moment. Every time he would mention missing me to my mother or anyone else she would hit him in the face and be told he is not allowed to talk about me. Then be told I never wanted him and many other awful things. Do they have any idea what that does to a child?  I can tell you from personal experience. It causes a huge amount of grief, pain and a huge sense of abandonment. Then the permancy worker also create the rule that the kids are not allowed to discuss me when they visit each other. How is that any different then what my mother was doing? My daughter informed me of this rule when she told me she was seeing her brothers on Friday and I asked her to pass my love on to them. My oldest son risked being hit many times just to say the words that he missed me.  Shouldn't that tell the workers what he needs and wants?  But they refuse to see it. 

How much relief it would be to their minds to hear that their mother still loves them, never gave up on them and always wanted them? A huge amount. My oldest son esspecially, after risking such physical punishements to say those words, needs to know that. And not just because the worker says so. He won't believe that. How do I know that he won't believe it if someone tells him? Because when he would ask me in the car rides during visits about his dad my response was always "Your dad loves you, and misses you but he is getting help right now and will see you when he can." My oldest son would always look out the window, sigh and then say in a very dead dounding voice "I know". And that was when he was 6yrs old.

In those presents is a memory blanket for each of them. It has 15 photos of them as babies, growing up, each other and with us. Each blanket is designed for that child. I fully expected them to give that too them. That is their mail, their presents. They need to start thinking about what is best for them and their mental state and not what is best for their logs and books. I talk from the other end of the experience. I talk from the childs perspective who was kept from a parent for over 26yrs being told the same things, the same lies. It can cause permant damage and this permancy worker is now continueing that chain of damage. How can I get them to stop the emotional abuse of my sons and give them their gifts and tell them the truth.

When I heard from my daughter after the visit she had asked the permancy worker why they are not getting their gifts.  And the permancy worker told her that if they give them the gifts now then they will not be told they are from me.  If they wait till they are adopted then they will be told they are from their BIRTH MOTHER.  Sorry but for a mom in my situation where I lost my kids because of following doctors orders and because of other peoples lies the term BIRTH MOTHER as applied to me is very insulting.  It means that someone else will be viewed as their mom and that is SOOOOO wrong.  I am their mom.  Now that Social Services knows the truth they should be doing all they can to bring my family back together.  But instead they are continueing the pattern to protect the fact that they screwed up so badly by ensuring my family stays seperated permantly.  She also informed my daughter that they are hoping this family will adopt my sons by January.  So by January my family could be permantly lost to me. 

Where is our Christmas Miracle?

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My Family Is Growing In So Many Ways

I know I have not updated in a while.  Left you guys hanging after giving the updates I had learned from my childrens rescuer.  What most of you readers don't know is that while I was learning all this I was also in my final trimester of pregnancy.  You read that right.  We had a beautiful baby boy at the end of October.  How cool is it that all my sons are born in the same month.  We kept this mainly to ourselves till we were sure that he would be coming home and staying with us.  And he has.  He is the light of our lives too.  He was born with a small cleft lip though and a notch in his upper gums.  So his first surgery is for next year to repair the lip and then he will have another when he is about 8 or 9 to repair the notch in his gums.  He is strong and healthy.  And thriving.  He is already 11 1/2 pounds. 

Some of you may wonder why we would have another one when I don't have my other 3 home yet.  2 reasons.  One is because I am a mom. That is who I am.  It is what makes me complete.  We wanted him in every sense of the word.  The second was because I was at a dead end when it came to trying to get my kids back.  I don't have the kind of money needed to fight another court battle.  So I thought if I could prove how things truly are with another baby over a small period of time then I might have a chance to bring my children home because I would be showing that our home is safe and not what the lies of my mother made so many in power believe.  Those are the reasons why.  He was not to replace my children in any way, shape or form.  He was/is wanted and so are my other 3 children.

Now the original plan was, since we knew about the cleft lip, to wait till our son was born, go to his 2 week evaluation at the childrens hospital and then contact social services about setting up visitation with my other 3 children and hopefully be considered for them to come home.  Well it didn't quite go that way.  Our son was born but a week shy of us going to the childrens hospital my daughter sent me a facebook message.  Yup you read that right too.  My daughter contacted me.  What a day that was.  I was so happy, worried about her and so many other emotions.  She and her brothers are in seperate foster homes but she says they get to see each other ever other week.  They are also under an adoption worker who is trying to place them.  And yes I have spoken to her.  My daughter says she will refuse any adoption for her.  She is in a wonderful foster home and her foster mom is very nice.  Fully supporting her contact with me.  Though once Social Services found out they stopped the nightly chats to just once a week, saying that is better for my daughters emotional state till we are evaluated.  Neither she or I are happy about it but it is better then the no contact.

I was able to mail their birthday gifts to the adoption worker and know my daughter got hers. I have no idea if my sons have recieved theirs.  No contact is allowed right now with my sons.  The adoption worker is firm in their stance that they are being place with a family for adoption and that contact with me could hinder that.  I am doing my best to convince them to allow contact.  Even mailed off all their Christmas Presents today.  This week an adoption person from our city is coming to our home to evaluate us to see if Facebook contact with my daughter will continue to be allowed.  So keep us in your thoughts that the meeting will go well. 
When we got pregnant we immediately contacted a local community support program that helps families in having healthy homes, parenting advice, community outreach programs and so on.  They are in our home weekly at our request.  We did this to be able to show our home is safe, healthy and we are good parents.  That being home with us is what is best for our new baby but also for my other 3 children as well.  Our home is big enough easily. 

So that is where we stand right now with my kids and social services.  As far as social services are concerned they won the trial and that is the end of it.  They don't care that they now have all the proof that they need that they won because of lies.  They don't care that it is now easily proven that the children at their choice were being kept with a sever abuser who pulled the wool over all their eyes, keeping my children from me and harming them in so many ways.  They don't care.  As far as they are concerned they won the trial and own my children.  And will place them in an adoptive home as soon as possible.  I want them home with me but I do not know what to do to get that to happen.  I don't even know how to make it so I can just see my sons.  I have since learned that they can be adopted out to different homes and if the adoptive parents choose to change their names and refuse them contact with me or even each other ever agian that they can legally do that.  They could end up never seeing each other agian unless they can find each other as adults.  Where is the justice in any of this?  Please message me if you, the reader, can think of any way to bring them home.

My dad(step dad) is also very happy to be a grandparent.  They sent a wonderful package of clothes for our new son.  I am loving being a daughter agian and a mom agian.  But my life will never be complete till all my children are in my life agian.  Please if you can, help bring them home and end this dark time for all of us once and for all.

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My Beautiful Daughter Turned 14 Today

My beautiful daughter turned 14 today.  When I think of her I see the little girl that was amazing to be around right from her very first breath.  The little baby who stole my breath away when she was placed in my arms and I gazed into her gorgeous blue eyes for the first time.  I see the little toddler who was quick to smile and would do anything to get people to laugh.  The 6yr old child who was so curious about life and had endless questions.  The 8yr old who was starting to show her talents for so many things.

But now she is a young lady.  I have missed so much the past few years.  She is not the little baby, toddler, or child. She is a strong and beautiful young lady.  Someone who has her own dreams and ambitions.  Someone who can now make her wishes and choices known.  She has been through more then someone should in an entire life time.  But I hope she has the strength to over come and grow to be the extraordinary young woman that I always knew was in her to be.

I had so many dreams of what I wanted to do with her by the time she turned 14.  I have missed out on so many things with her.  So many firsts that a young lady should have with her mother.  I hope to not miss out on many more.  I hope to be able to be there when she goes on her first date.  To watch her excitement, to help her know that she is special and to expect respect.  I hope to be there for her first prom.  Help her pick out her dress, get her hair done and so much more.  To drive her nuts with all the pictures I will take.

I hope to watch her graduate.  To see her get her diploma, something I never got to do.  To help her know just how proud I am of her for accomplishing so much.  I hope to be there when she gets engaged, help to plan her wedding, do all the mom and daughter things to help her be ready for such a big step.  And I hope to be there when she has her first baby.  To watch her feel the same over powering love and joy when that special little child is placed in her arms.  See her finally know what I knew when then placed her in mine. 

That nothing in this world can compare to the love of a mother for her child.  I love you my wonderful beautiful daughter.

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Confirmation of Childhood Trama's

This will also be an on going post, to be updated as people confirm things or share with me things they remember either being told directly from my mother or witnessing them selves.  I will only share from people who have given permission and if at all possible use their own writing to give the info so that it is a first person account and not my trying to recall it.  This stuff is from what the rescuer has shared with me so far:

" I am not sure if you remember this or not....when we were in (towns name removed) Your mom did something to you and I was horrified, it was the only thing I had ever known about in (towns name removed), Your third step dad was away on course for the military.....she was angry about something she said you did...think you were throwing notes down over the banister?....anyway she packed a suitcase for you and put you out on the doorstep and locked the door and made you stay out there all night...she would go every so often to the door and tell you to get walking....she had the GALL to tell me about it and to tell me you were crying and telling her you didn't want to leave.....I was absolutely HORRIFIED...I told her I couldn't believe she had done that and that I would NEVER do something like that to my child....sooooo to this very day your mom does NOT know that I went to the family centre on base...the military had their own social workers....I told the woman what I had been told....they were supposed to be there to HELP dependants...anyway she told me that if she reported it your third step dad would have to go up on charge and he could get booted out of the military....well crap I didn't want that to happen and I thought what your mom did was a ONE TIME THING and I thought because I had told her how I felt about it she wouldn't do it again and so I left the family centre and did nothing more about it...OH  if I only would have known the truth!!!!!!! It could have ended there and you would not have endured her years of torture and more children would have been spared...You were like 8 yrs old....so she had been doing it a LONG time....."

The notes she describes is when ever my step dad was gone and the abuse was getting bad I would drop notes over the banister when people were visiting hoping just one person would read one and get me help.  They said things like "My mommy hurts me", "my mommy hates me." and so on.  I know very childish things but I was a child and knew of no other way to express myself.  When someone did find one my mother explained it away as me going through a "phase" and I was rebelling from her punishing me and such.  People then would get angry at me.  To have this memory confirmed was huge for me.

".....I do remember when you girls and your mom moved in with me for the months in (city name removed).....I don't know if you will remember or not....one day your mother flipped at you for some MINOR thing and she grabed you by the hair and started to drag you across the floor, she had CLAWED your face with her nails....do you remember me running into the kitchen and grabbing her???? It was the first and only time I had witnessed her doing something like that....I grabbed her and screamed for her to stop and I told her if she EVER touched you again when I was around I would hurt her bad!!!!!....I just didn't know that this was a usual behaviour for her or I would have called child services and I am so sorry and heart sick for you.....when I was reading your blog all I could see was your daughter, the scalding hot dish water etc etc...it is a PATTERN of abuse on your moms part.....stomach sickening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......."

The specific incident she is discribing I have no recall of because there are so many instances just like that.  After a while they all blend together.  And my childrens rescuer is right it is a pattern with only subtle changes and once and a while something new added as her confidence grew.  The scalding dish water was a normal occurance for all of us.  From me right through to the step kids and then my children.

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Your Mommy Loves You and Misses You Too

This one is about what I have learned about what my oldest son has gone through.  This one is not as lengthy as my daughters.  She seemed to focus most of her abuse on her but my oldest son did get a lot of it as well.  Picking favorites was a common thing for my mother to do when dealing with more then one child.  One was usually the focus for most of the abuse, one was usually the most favored and one would be an extra outlet.  These positions could and sometimes did change but not very often.

This blog will be about both my sons.

".....Your mom never touched your youngest son, as I told Social Services, Your youngest was her favorite, he got whatever he wanted.....her husband on the other hand picked him up off the floor by his arm and flung him onto the couch.....BUT  while I yelled at her husband for doing it that would NOT be seen as "abuse" by Social Services.....SEVERAL times your mom slapped her hand over your oldest son's mouth when he would try to tell me something about you....Your mom would tell him NOT to mention you but the poor little guy wanted to talk about you...one early evening he was on the couch beside "Grandma" and he said to me " do you know I miss my mom?" and your mom tripped, she snacked her hand over his mouth and held it there and the tears rolled down his face....I said "Your moms name!!!!!!" she let go of his mouth but she told me he knew he is not allowed to talk about his mother...........the boys had to go to bed every night at 5:30 and could not come out of their rooms until morning and then ONLY when your mom said they could come out......they had x amount of time in which to eat their meals...if they took longer (she used a timer) then their meal was taken from them and put in the fridge and every other meal time it was sat in front of them COLD and they were told to eat it...if not...back in the fridge till the next meal rolled around....I was soooooooo sick over that but all I thought was many parents do that and sooooo will it be seen as abuse if I report it?????????????????????? I didn't know...I just knew it was something I would NEVER do to my kids or any children for that matter........"

Continued:

At this point their rescuer had shared 3 recent pictures with me that were taken at the beginning of summer of this year.  Their rescuer has been in email contact with my daughter and recived the pictures through her.  She has also shared some of the emails with me.  In one of the pictures is all three of my kids.  My daughter is hugging her two brothers.  My oldest son though, who was well know for being the one to have a constant smile, has such a hurt face.  He looks so sad and angry in the picture that I started to cry when I saw it.  This is part of the email I recieved from their rescuer when we were discussing the pictures.  I had also sent her pictures of my children when I last had them for a visit so she could have some that showed them happy and having fun.

"I can't look at the picture of your oldest son...I can see his pain and his total unhappiness and it KILLS me..........he was such a loving little boy  but you know that, he NEVER left the house or came back in without coming to me and wrapping his little arms around me and would lay his head on my chest and would say "I love you" and I would tell him I loved him too.......oh G-d...it was spring Conference, not long before the children were taken....Your mom and her husband went to conference, actually it was Stake Conference.....I had the 3 kids in the back yard.....Your mom had bought the boys these toys, paddle ball, they each had one....the paddle balls were sitting in the livingroom so I took them into the back yard for the boys to play with...Your daughter was sitting on the deck talking with me....Your mom and her husband came home...Your mom went ballistic because I let the boys play with the paddle balls...she screamed at me "they will play with them when I say they can"....I tried to talk to her and tell her I was sorry as she snatched them from the boys....I can still see their little faces....she screamed at me to "SHUT UP" I stood there helplessly.....she took off in the van and was gone ALL day, NO ONE knew where she went....NO ONE knew when she would come back....everyone walked around that day not speaking....I asked her husband once if he would take the truck and go look for her and he said "NO"...Her husband cooked dinner, NONE of us ate...we sat there in silence at the table....only her husband ate....at one point your oldest son looked like he didn't know wether to cry or what....he put his head in his hand and said to me " you shouldn't have made grandma mad" Her husband looked at him and told your oldest son to shut his mouth....I sat there wanting to cry and giving your oldest son a look that said I was sorry......while we were still at the table your mom came back....she was storming through the house, throwing things and calling us all idiots.....she made the boys go to bed....they had no dinner....they were unable to eat....I felt it was all my fault for giving them the stupid paddle balls!!!!"

This happened on the last day of August and though it is good news it made me cry because I wish I had been there.  Though if I had I don't think I could have stayed in the car:

" I saw your youngest son today....we were coming back from a city over and when we were going through one of the small towns I swung around and fairly yelled "That's the youngest son!!!!!" ....so my friend who was driving me turned the car around and she parked where he wouldn't be able to see me and I watched him play on a jumgle jim set, you know the ones with the tree house etc.....he lloks...he is still slim but my gosh he has filled out some....he's taller of course but there was NO mistaking it was him.......he looked like he was having a blast sooooo even though I did cry it was just from seeing him and to see him run and laugh and play, to be a child like he is supposed to be.....so I just wanted to tell you I saw him and he looks well and healthy...we sat for about 15 minutes and then we left....."

If you remember in one of my blog posts 2 yrs ago I discribed how skinny my youngest son was.  Malnurished type of skinny.  He was about 10lbs under the weight he should have been for his age and height at the time.  I had taken pictures at that time and my lawyer showed them to Social Services but my concerns were ignored and later I was threatened to not take them to any emergeny personel or lose visits.  Anyway as you can see here it took him being removed and going to a foster home to start gaining weight.  I am so glad he is gaining weight agian but still worry that the lack of proper nutrition for the previous 3 1/2 yrs will have still caused some permant long term damage. 

Continue:

This is what went on after the kids were taken from my mother:

".....Your sons were placed in (name of town removed) with a single mom, Your daughter is in (name of town removed)....Your mom does NOT know your daughter and I have remained in contact, I am TOO AFRAID for her to find that out......Your oldest son was so violent (probably because of what was done to him) that they removed him from the home in (name of town removed) and I don't know where he is now, I wish I did, maybe your daughter knows? Your oldest son was beating your younger son until your younger son would throw up, that is why they seperated the boys........The 3 of them are brought together every few months for visits with each other, Your daughter has sent me pics of them that the foster parents have taken of the 3 of them together, again your mom doesn't know I have them, the pics I mean....I can't see the boys or communicate with them because they have been too traumatized by what happened to them and social services is hoping that with distance and time they will be o.k.....I DO know the boys go for play therapy or at least they were.... I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't"

My oldest son had never been violent in his life. When he learned I was pregnant with his younger brother he was so excited to be a big brother.  He loved to help care for him, hold him, play with him and so on.  My oldest was the type of boy where he would meet someone and give them a hug and tell them he liked them.  He loved helping with the puppies and was so gentle.  To hear that he has been tramatized by the abuse to become this violent and to his younger brother tears my heart in two.  The sooner they can come home, get off the experimental medication, have a new evaluation with a clean system with proper symptoms listed and proper evaluation done, proper therapy and support and so on the better.  They are all good kids.  They are all loving kids.  They need their mom and they need a family where they can all be loved together.

"....Your sister tried to get permanent guardienship of the boys after the kids were taken from your mom & her husband; she did not want your daughter...she was approved and then changed her mind because the boys' social worker told your sister and her husband that the boys especially your oldest son are so violent now that they could not be trusted to be alone with your sisters girls and that the boys have so many mental/emotional problems it could destroy your sister and her husbands marriage so your sister backed away...."

First why is it always my daughter that no one wants?  Of course she has issues now.  After all she has been through I would be shocked if she didn't.  But to show her how unwanted she is by wanting her brothers but not her?  That adds insult to injury when she has done nothing wrong.  My second question is why did I not get contacted to take them all?  I don't care if they have issues of any sort.  I would find every support I could have aviable to me to help them.  They are my children, stolen from me by proven lies.  Why did it take their rescuer coming forward a year and a half later?  Why did the courts not come to me right away as soon as it was realized that this woman lied completely in court to cover up the abuse?  Their whole case was destroyed and yet I lost another year and a half with my children?  If it wasn't for the kindness of their rescuer coming forward I would still not know.

More to be added as I learn it

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My Youngest Son Is 5yrs Old Today

And has gone through a life time of experiences in those 5yrs.  I miss you my son.  I hope you are doing well with the family you are with.  I hope you are having a wonderful birthday full of laughter, hugs and surprises.  I wish we were there to help you celebrate.  I wish I was there to watch you blow out your candles, watch your eyes light up as you open each present.

I remember the last birthday you had with us.  You had so much fun.  It was one of the last visits we got to have with you.  And I will always cherish those memories.  I remember you blowing out your candles on your chocolate cake, opening your presents.  You favorite was your big semi that could carry several cars and had a double ramp.  We still have it.  It is still here waiting for you. 

I have looked at the wall with your picture on it.  The last picture we have of you is when you turned 3yrs old. I hope soon we will be together to take a new one. I remember the fun you had in helping Donald Duck build or fix things.  You always wanted to help and be a part of everything.  You never gave up even when it took you a long time to figure things out.  I remember how much fun you had running around the house as we played tag or I tried to get pictures. 

Some of my favorite memories was when we built forts with sheets in your and your brothers room.  You had such a scared face at first and then looked so confused wondering why we were making a mess.  Now I know why that is but I am so glad you got to have fun being a little boy and building those forts and then playing in them.  And I know you had so much fun jumping on them from your bed to take them down.  Your giggles were endless on those days.

I miss you so much and I hope to never miss another birthday if at all possible.  Happy 5th B-day my son.

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Why Does She Hate Girls So Much?

It is a question that all of us, even my children's rescuer has run through our minds.  This entry will be about my oldest child.  My daughter.  What her rescuer witnessed her suffer through.  At least some of it.  As I find out more I will add it to this page.  So it will be a continued to be worked on piece.

As soon as I read the first message from the rescuer and calmed down a bit I did tell her that I was not sure I could trust her but to please sent me some details of what my children have gone through.  Instead of me describing it I will use exerts from the rescuers own emails to me. I will elaborate with more details that I learned by phone though.  Warning please do not allow children to read this. My child should in no way have suffered through any of this and I would not want a child reading this if it can be helped.  I will post in the same order as I found things out so it may seem jumbled at first.  We did end up getting a timeline better worked out, in this type of thing things can and do blend together since you are in survival mode.  Emails have been altered to remove names and locations.

"....OMG the abuse your kids were taking especially your daughter, I was CONSTANTLY running to intervene and protect the kids....I cried every night and asked G-d to help me to help them....Your daughter and I were both sleeping in the basement, we only had a wall unit seperating our space...I would hear her crying every night....then one day I was in the office and I heard this voice calling for help....I took the stairs two at a time and I am trying to find where it was coming from.....it was your daughter....it was frigging February and your mom had put her out on the back step with no coat and no foot where, that poor little girl's lips were BLUE....I opened the door and told her to get in the house, what was going on????she was out there calling out for someone to come and help her!!! She told me she couldn't come in because Grandma had put her out there...I said "You get in this house I will deal with Grandma!!!!!!!" sooooo I stomped up into the kitchen and went into the livingroom and your "mom" and her husband were sitting there watching TV....I lost it!!!!! I warned them...one more time if I had to intervene I was going to turn them BOTH in......then only a few weeks later I was coming up from the basement and I heard G-d awful noises coming from the upstairs bathroom....when I went to the door your "mom" had a urine SOAKED t-shirt and had it wrapped around your daughters head and face, the child also peed herself.....I just screamed at your mom "What the fuck are you doing" she dropped the t-shirt and your daughters eyes were burned from the amonia in the urine... I completely lost it....I was holding Your daughter and screaming at your mom and I went down to social services and turned her in....they came two weeks later with 4 cops and removed the kids.........I honest to G-d did not know what your mom was like with children I didn't.  Your daughter calls me their angel and she said I protected them more than I know...I remeber when she burned your daughter's eyes I screamed at her, You, and said "you are EVERYTHING Your daughter said you are".....your mom has a friend in a near by town and she told me only some of the things your mom did to her step children and I wanted to throw up...  I told you this would be a long story and I haven't even scratched the surface but I am sure you know that only too well.  I truly DO believe you and I am TRULY sorry  and as I said I do not balme you in the least for being cautious....Your mom should be locked up, in jail or psych ward or both, I just don't know why social sercies didn't charge them....."

I later found out that when their rescuer was screaming at her from the urine incident that my mom told her that she didn't know it would burn her.  What kind of a sick mind would try and excuse away what they were doing with they didn't know it would burn them?  This next one is about how she tried to report the abuse in one of the 3 attempts she made and no one would really listen.

" in the spring, just before the children were taken I tried to do it so MY life would not be in jepardy...I made an anonimous phone call to the school, I told them to check your daughter that she was being made to wear diapers....they did and there was a meeting called at the school, there was the principal, the vice principle, the kids main social worker, the guidance counselor, a pyschologist from the school board, your mom, her husband and myself.... I sat there and listened to what was going on....NO ONE removed the kids at that time... they DID ride your mom's ass over the diapers, she and her husband WERE told that "your wy of doing things has to change" and that was it!!!!!.."

I later learned in a phone call that my daughter had to wear diapers 24/7.  Not just to school.  This was when she was between 11-12yrs old.  She also was not allowed to use any of the bathrooms in the house.  She had to use a porta potty that my mom provided to her.  My daughter has never had any incidences of wetting the bed or so on after being potty trained at 2 1/2yrs old.  This explains why within a few months of her being in my mothers care that she told Social Services that my daughter was peeing in the closet.  She tried to pin that behaviour on me.  But now it is explained completely.  It she was not being allowed to use the bathroom as a control method of punishment where else was she suppose to go. I also learned that she was not allowed to bath by herself either.  Either my mother or her husband had to supervise.  What is a grown ass man or woman doing supervising a 10yr - 12yr old girl bathing.  I had stopped checking on her, except to help wash her hair when it was really long, when she was 6 or 7 yrs old.  Her rescuer let me know that just like me my daughter was maturing early body wise so it sickens me even more that this was happening. 

Continued:

At this point I had shared my blog with her so she could see the pattern of abuse and that it was not just to my children but also to the step kids and me.  That she escalated each time. She confirmed that she did the scalding dish water bit on my daughter as well.  Here is the next email I recieved with details about what my daughter was enduring:

"........your daughter was not allowed to eat at the table, she had to eat on the floor like a dog....OH she ate off dishes but she was made to eat on the floor....she was not allowed to sit on the livingroom furniture...that is when she wasn't confined to the basement.....she had to sit on the floor, hands flat on the floor, legs stretched out and toes pointed up.....I KEPT telling your mom & her husband that was abuse but they would just sneer at me and say it wasn't....Your daughter was not allowed to watch ANY tv...that is until "Scared Straight" came on A&E...your mom saw it once and then every week after that she would make her watch it and all through it she would tell her that was where she was going...that the other girls and women would rape her and NO ONE would care....I was sick.....I used to "try" to intervene and say that wasn't true but your mom would shpoot this death look over at me and I would shut my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....sooooooooooooooo EVERY SINGLE TIME your mom & her husband would go somewhere and leave your daughter with me (she was NEVER allowed to go places with the family) I would sit and talk with her....I would tell her she was beautiful and very smart, a great writer and she could grow up to do anything she set her mind to.....I would tell her she was NOT going to juvie, or jail and that there WERE people that cared about her and I was one of them.......I used to tell her I was going to do what I could to get her out of there but she needed tpo be patient because I had to wait for the right moment to make my move.....she wanted out but she cried more than once and told me she didn't want to be seperated from her brothers though....she said she would rather stay with "your mom and her husband" than to be seperated from her brothers....I knew that was a young girl speaking ...my heart HURT because I KNEW I had to get the kids out of there and I KNEW there would be a chance she would be seperated from them although I kept praying they would keep them together....but I KNEW I couldn't listen to her...I KNEW I had to get them out no matter what and "IF" the kids were to be seperated I prayed that the day would come when your daughter would forgive me for what I had to do...."

All of this is so similar to the things the step kids and I heard and endured just with a different twist to it.  It is saddening.  I never wanted my kids to suffer the way we all had.  If you remember suddenly I was told my daughter did not want to come on the visits.  I had my suspcions as to why but didn't voice them.  I didn't want to make her feel forced or torn since I had an idea of what was going on.  Here in the next message you see where that is confirmed:

".....as to your daughter not wanting to go on the visits to your house....you have to remember she had your mother poisoning her mind about you....the VERY FIRST night I was at your mom & her husbands home, your daughter sat down on the side of my bed as I was unpacking things.....she said to me right out of the blue "I don't go to see my mother because she is evil" I almost passed out....this child didn't even know me, she had JUST met me.....soooooo I sat right down beside her and said "oh sweetie, what would make you say that!!!??" sooooo she told me you had a mental illness....OMG!!! I looked at her and I said "that doesn't make your mother evil, if your mom has a problem she cannot help it.  it is no different that having diabetes" she sat and thought for quite some time and then she said "I understand that" sooooo I told her not to call you evil anymore and not to allow anyone else to call you evil either....I then told her how I knew her mother (you LOL) when she was a little girl and she asked me all kinds of questions about you and I told her.......it was only a few days after that when she came to me and told me she had been thinking about our conversation...she then told me about an incident that our conversation made her remember....she said " I remember my mother tried to protect me once" so I asked her about it....I will get the story wrong  I know I will because it was almost 2 yrs ago now that she told me....but it had something to do with your husband and her....OH gosh I wish I could remember, had something to do with a window??? and he dragged her or something like that and you called the police on him....do you know what I am talking about???? If not I can always wait and ask her about it again and them tell you what she was talking about.....anyway, when she told me that story  I told her that her mother MUST have loved her or she would not have tried to protect her....sooooo  I DO believe that your mom had a LOT to do with her not going for visits with you....she is an EXTREMELY intelligent young lady but she was a very confused and yes brainwashed young lady as well....."

The incident describe was later realized to be the one posted on here about my ex grabbing her by her hair and holding her up so her feet could not touch the floor.  He had said he was going to give her some cowboy justice.  In court my mother had the gall to say she loved me and worried about me and that she just wanted ME to get better so I could get my kids back and that they always spoke kids words to them about me.  I knew it all to be lies but the judge didn't.  It was just as I suspected, just as the step kids also knew was happening as well.  I wish I could have been there to hold her and comfort her and let her know she is special and loved.  I am so thankful for her rescuer being there to say those things.  Here is more:

"G-d  where do I start?????......my bed was around the corner from the office....I was sleeping one night and I woke to hear your daughter crying and your mom hissing at her....I jumped out of bed.....went around the corner and your daughter was squatted on the floor, BARE FEET, barely clothed...it was freezing in that damn basement, it was unfinished and even with my flanel sheet, two quilts I had to wear a sweat shirt and heavy socks to bed so I would not freeze...and THERE WAS your daughter...BARE FEET ON THE COLD CONCRETE FLOOR....Your mom was hissing at her to keep her bum off the floor, she had to balance there without her hands touching the floor either, as I rounded the corner your mom was saying to her that she was going to stay there all night, it was about 2am....your daughter said through tears "Grandma I have to go schoole in the morning" I screamed at your mom....I screamed so loud her husband came downstairs and he just looked at your mom and he said to his credit (what little de may deserve) "this is enough of your bull shit" to your mom,  I gave him the dirtiest look, and I lloked at her like she was scum....I spoke very quietly to your daughter and told her to go to her bed.....she looked at me with so much fear in her eyes it made my heart drop...I said to her again "go to bed sweetie it's going to be o.k."...Your mom was FURIOUS she screamed at me "you have just undone everything I was doing for the past hours and it was working"....I told her not to talk to me and I walked back to my bed....I whispered to your daughter on the other side of the wall unit and asked her if she was o.k.? she said yes through her sniffles....I told her to go to sleep, I would stay awake the rest of the night, "sleep, you are o.k. and you are NOT going to school in the morning so sleep"...I have to live with a lot of this but I was afraid too, i was...I slept with a damn flash light under my blankets like a fucking 3 yr old and every little noise I would hear at night I would flick the flash light on and scan the basement where I was...I was terrified of what she would do to me in my sleep.......

Your mom would make her do jumping jacks....I don't know how many times this happened when I didn't hear it...BUT when I did O would run up the stairs and youe daughter would be in the kitchen doing jumping jacks and begging your mom to let her stop "Grandma I can't...ohhhhh my legs hurt" I would scream for your daughter to stop jumping....I turned on your mom one time and screamed you are abusing her!!!!!!! Your mom looked at me with such venom, such hatred, it struck fear into me and I took off for my bed...I am ashamed of that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just kept promising Your daughter that it would end...I would find a way and that everything was going to be o.k.....I just didn't know how I was going to make that happen .......she bought Christmas gifts for the children my first Christmas there, Your daughter got about 20 gifts, NO JOKE, all wrapped and under the tree for when people came in, Your ex's parents for one example, some of your ex's relatives for another....I could NOT beleive it, after your daughter had opened her gifts Christmas morning your mom made her pile all her gifts up....Your mom took them BACK to the stores after the holidays....she told Your daughter she didn't deserve them....MY G-D  I was stunned......a few days before I finally got the courage to tuen them in, Your mom had gone to McDonald's to get lunch for everyone...we were all around the table, Your daughter was sitting on the kitchen floor per usual, Your mom was taking the food out of the bags and she sneered and said "oh look, nothing for your(meaning your daughter)" then she barked at her in a HATEFUL voice...make yourself a peanut butter sandwich....Your daughter started to cry and your mom grabbed her by her ear lobes and brought her down to the floor and screamed at her "you want to cry, you want to cry, you DON'T DESERVE to eat a burger with us" I could barely speak ...I don't know what made me say such a STUPID thing but I said "She can have my meal" OMG!!!!! I thought your mom was going to put a knife through me....the boys looked terrified.....Your mom screamed at me and I sat like a frightened obedient child......I didn't eat, I tried to take a bite and if felt saw dust....I couldn't ear when I knew that child was sitting on the floor eating a peanut butter sandwich...I was LITERALLY saying silent prayer "Please G-d, please G-d help me end this" Oh I am crying YET again....it is hard to speak of these things, they will torment all my days......

I told Social Services that your mom and her husband had bought a bunch of really nice steaks....THey and Boys were going out....THey had taken not one BUT TWO steaks out for me....I KNEW it was a trap.....they told me your daughter was NOT to get ANY of the steak....I was to cook her 2 weiners for her dinner.......soooooo when it came time to make dinner I cooked the two steaks....I cooked TWO weiners for your daughter....I hid one of the steaks in the microwave....I told her "I am going to let you have the other steak but we have to wait, I am going to put the weiners on your plate and you eat them first" she looked at me kind of confused but said "O.K.".....so we sat down at 5pm.... about FIVE minutes later the back door opened and your mom came in, Your daughter looked over at me and I gave her a quick look that said "EAT"   Your mom came up the kitchen stairs and pretended she had come back for something she had forgotten (they ate at 5pm prompt every night)...she walked over looked at our plates, smiled her sick snile and left....when I knew or felt that she was long gone down the road and was "reasonable" certain she had gottenwhat she wanted and would not come back I took the steak out of the microwave, gave it to your daughter and told her to ear it FAST just in case I was wrong and that bitch WOULD come back....it HAD been a TRAP ....they did it to see if I would give her the steak...Oh  People JUST would NOT understand my fear, they just WOULDN'T BUT Social Services WERE told of this incidents, it is one of the many I told them during that 5 hrs when I reported them....I couldn't wait any longer ...when she burned Your daughters eyes...(I was TERRIFIED she would kill one of the kids, especially your daughter...Your mom  HATES girls...THAT was plain to see!!!"

If you have made it this far you deserve a pat on the back.  By this point every message would leave me crying.  I knew the pain she was feeling, the step kids were being kept in the loop too and they all know the same pain.  We all wanted to just jump in and save her, all of them.  But our hands are still tied.  Hopefully that will change soon.  THey are my children, yet I could not protect them the way I should have been able too. 

Agian Continued

Because of health reasons the person who rescued my children was not able to move out of my mothers house.  My mother and her husband suspected she reported them but were not sure.  After my daughter was removed from my mother home and custody this is what ended up happening any time my daughter tried to contract her rescuer:

"Your daughter and I shared a special relationship, she trusted/trusts me.....she was allowed to phone me and we would talk and she told me she missed me and I told her I am trying to work on things Sweetie....I don't know how but everything will be o.k. I just don't know when and OH she answered me "I know, I trust you so I will hope and wait" BROKE MY HEART!!!!!!!!! Your mom was SOOOOO FURIOUS about the calls that she refused to allow her husband or I to answer the phone when your daughter would call....that child called and called and called and left message after message and I would cry because your mom would have killed me if I picked that phone up....I couldn't call her back because the foster parents had to block their number out when your daughter would call...her foster parents can confirm what I am saying regarding the NUMEROUS calls that child made that were never answered.....ALL because your mom was jealous and angry that your daughter confided in me......."

Continued:

"........I cannot remember the "supposed" offense that your daughter committed but here goes.....I was out in the gazebo having a smoke and all of a sudden I heard G-d awful screams....it was your daughter.....the windows were shut because it was still cold out and I am telling you her screams were more than loud of enough to hear outside.....I threw my smoke and went on the dead run, following the screams and they led to the upstairs bathroom....as I said I do not remember what the 'offense" was but she had your daughter in the bathtub, stark naked, standing up with your mom holding her by the back of the neck, Her husband was there in the doorway....Your mom had the cold water on full blast and was pouring it over your daughter.....the poor little thing was screaming and trying to get away and the more she struggled the more insane your mom was....I screamed to STOP and I told them both that if she didn't stop the cops were going to be there within minutes.......I gave your daughter a towel that was hanging on the rack and told her to go downstairs and get dressed....Your mom grabbed the towel and was freaking out like a frigging crazy person, well as if she isn't????and she was screaming because I had given your daughter HER towel and now it was all wet.....when your daughter left the bathroom your mom "tried" to turn her fury over the towel onto me"

Right now that is all the details I have.  Her rescuer has shared recent photos with me and emails that she recieved from my daughter just before summer started.  She is with her brothers in the picutes.  Also the youngest step kid and her brother have been kept fully aware of all this.  The youngest one has confirmed just about everything the rescuer has stated as things she also suffered through while she was in the care of my mother and her husband till she was kicked out at the age of 12.  Stuff that is not on the blog, stuff that the rescuer(not knowing who the step kids are or were) had no idea about.  This confirmation helped cement and validate what has been shared with me along with other means that the rescuer provided as proof including sharing similar facts about my childhood that have also been confirmed by my step dad who I personal call my dad now.  Some of the things will be shared on this blog that have been validated from when I was growing up.  As I learn more and as things happen I will update this post. 

Continued Feb 8th, 2013

As my childrens rescuer reads the new posts more and more memories are returning.  Here is one she asked me to share tonight about my mothers husband.  Keep in mind what my kids were told to call him was not grandpa, it was Poppa.

"....."poppa" who SUPPOSEDLY loves your daughter, Makes me laugh (and NOT) in a funny way....EVERY SINGLE TIME there was something on the news about some awful thing, be they male or female "poppa" would say "oh their name must be (your daughters name)" and he did it every single time when she was there.....now you tell me and TRY to convince me THAT is a "loving" poppa!!!!!"

It really angers me the mind games, psychological and physical abuse my mother and sometimes her spouses would inflict on children.  They tried to tear them down in everyway possible.  The thing is as you, the reader, can see by my daughters own post, and by the rescuers own words on her entry my mother failed.  Each of her "victims" are no longer victims.  Instead we are Survivors.

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We predicted It

And in we I mean the step kids and I.  A lot has gone on the past several weeks.  A lot of really bad news and slightly good news. When I first started writing this blog, just about 2yrs ago it was for three main intentions.  One was to help me heal from all I had been through.  All my life I had done what many abuse victims did.  Protect the abuser, hide what they were doing, own the abusers actions and blame myself.  In writing this blog and finally getting some of it out there I was forcing myself to end that cycle and hopefully if other abuse victims saw it they in turn would get courage to stand up too.  Another reason was to give the step kids a voice.  To validate that what they went through was real, that they were not crazy as so many were being lead to believe, and that they did not deserve any of it.  And the third, final and biggest reason was the hope that someone somewhere would read it, see the truth in it and offer to help my kids in some way.  To save them as I had saved the step kids. 

The scary thing, and sad thing, is that someone did save my kids and not from reading my blog.  But the way was so similar to how I had to save the step kids so many years ago that it was shocking.  Yes you read that right.  My kids are now more safe.  I will not say totally safe, but they are now away from my mother.  She can not directly hurt them any more.

This is the lead up post that I am doing to lead into what has happened.  Each of my kids will have their own entry describing what they had to endure.  The last I posted was about losing the court trial because of lies and then my visits being not just cut in half but denied and ignored to the point that I never saw them again after that last visit just before the trial almost 2yrs ago.  Any presents, cards and so on that I sent were sent back as undeliverable.  Nothing I tried worked.  I and the step kids knew what was happening to them but no one would listen, no one would do anything, no one would believe us.  We hit a brick wall with no options that we could see.

Fast forward to the end of August this year.  My partner of 3yrs and I were having a typical day.  He had been to work and I was home.  He had just called to say he was on his way home, his work being only 15 minutes away.  I went to my computer to check my emails.  Now remember I have heard nothing from anyone about my children.  As far as I knew they were still being tortured by my mother and under her care.  This is what I sat down to:

" I just wanted you to know that your children are safe, I turned your mom in to child services a year ago this past April and she will never have the children again!! They are in foster care.....I know how worried you were that they were with your mom, well that worry is gone now...she and her husband are also divorcing...I hate to say it but I never realized how psychotic your mom is and I am deeply deeply sorry for all the pain she has caused you........."

For those that have read my blog through you will remember the post I did about my mother leaving her 3rd husband and going to another province to live with a friend and her two kids.  This was sent to me by that friend.  I was in total shock.  A part of me knew that my kids were being tortured as I and the step kids had but to have it confirmed in such a huge way was something I was not prepared for.  I didn't reply.  I walked out onto our deck just as my partner drove up.  He got out of the truck and walked into the yard.  Then he looked at me.  He said I was white as a ghost.  He came running at me asking what was wrong.  I told him my kids were in foster care and then broke down.  From relief, stress, worry, concern.  So many emotions I can't even list them all.  He just held me.  After a few minutes we went back into the house and I read the message to him.  He and I did have some concern as to whether this was a trap.  My mother was great at convincing people to play mind games.  But since that day she has given us conformation about so many things, put me in touch with several peoples, including the step dad I loved so dearly who has completely welcomed me into his life with open arms.

The details of what my children have endured, at least partial(more and more is coming out as more and more comes to mind) will be posted in their own posts.  Long story short this woman that contacted me was my children's rescuer and Savior and went through hell to get them out.  She moved in with my mother after health concerns and until she could save up and get her own place, about 2 weeks before the verdict was read in December of 2010.  She had been lead to believe that I was schizophrenic(no surprise there) along with other scary mental health disorders and that my partner was also unsafe to be around children.  Within a few days/weeks of living there she started to witness, and tried to intervene on some horrific abuse.  Some of it was similar to what the step kids and I went through and some of it was worse.  She was there till April of 2011.  So 5 months.  In those 5 months she tried 3 times to report it to the workers that were the ones working with my kids.  Only to be ignored.  Then after one really sickening incident she went over their heads and contacted the main people in charge.  2 weeks later my kids were removed.  My daughter and oldest son from school and my youngest son from the home.

All of this makes me so frustrated and angry.  Not one person from the workers, judge or so on choose to contact me.  Not one.  5 months after the verdict where the judge stated that to remove the kids from the grandmother would be detrimental to their mental health, the same judge oversaw my mother in court telling her "you know why the kids are being removed don't you."  They had the proof right there in their faces that all the accusations they based their entire case on, all the testimony my mother gave in court, the lies she sent to the parental assessment psychologist and so on was all falsehoods designed to keep the kids with her so she could abuse them, not because I was unfit.  They had all the proof they needed and yet did they contact me?  No.  Not once.  They knew how, they always had my address, email and such.  Instead they went into foster care.  They offered them even to my sister but not me, their mother.

Sadly they are all in separate homes and separate cities.  My daughter is still in contact with her rescuer(I will be doing an entry, with her permission, just on her so you all can see just how much she suffered in trying to protect and save my children) so I am pretty sure where she is, my youngest the lady who rescued them saw a few weeks ago so we are pretty sure where he is but my oldest son we have no idea where he is.

The things my children were told about me, my partner, and had to emotionally and physically endure is just horrific.  Yet this woman(my mother) has not been charged with anything.  Yes you read that right.  She again successfully abused children and again successfully has gotten away with it.  Making herself out to be the victim yet again and another set of children to have supposed huge mental health issues.  How can one woman do what she has done to 3 generations(me, the step kids and now my kids) and still be allowed around children, still have respect in society, her religion and so on?  She has done things to all of us that will affect us all for the rest of our lives and gets to walk away?  Yet my children and I are still apart?  How does any of this make any sense?  How is this justice?  It is sickening.

I will update as I learn more, as we try and get legal aid again to try and get them back and so on.  But this is where things stand.  Just as I and the step kids said it would.  Hug your children please because it is such a blessing that you can. 

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My Oldest Son Is Another Year Older

My sweet oldest son is turning 8yrs old today.  8.  WOW.  Which means it has been just about 2 whole years since I have last seen you, hugged you, let you know how much you are loved, missed, wanted and just how special you are.  I have not forgotten you my son.  I never could.  I never could forget your smile that would not only light up your entire face but an entire room.  I could never forget your beautiful laugh that could affect everyone around you and brighten their hearts.  I could never forget your hugs that could make even the cloudiest day bright.

This year is harder because thanks to a very dear friend and your rescuer, who I have known since I was a young child, I have found out that you have gone through so much pain.  Emotional, physical and psychological pain.  Pain no child should have to endure.  I want you to know that I know you miss me.  I miss you too. Nothing your grandma could say or do will change that.  I never wanted to be erased from your life and will be striving even harder to see you as soon as I can.

You have done nothing wrong.  I know you hurt in ways people can not see any more.  I wish I could place my arms around you and help you to feel safe and loved.  I wish I could let you know you are allowed to feel the way you do.  I wish I could let you know that you are special, even now.  I wish I could put the smile back on your face that you used to always have.  I hope to be able to do that soon. 

I have not forgotten you my son. Neither has Donald Duck(I know you know who I mean).  We know today is your B-day.  We love you.  I hope that some how at some time you will see this and know this.  I am so thankful that you are no longer suffering at your grandma's hands and voice.  And I am so sorry you went through all that you have, no child deserves what you had to endure.  Happy B-day son.  Hopefully this year we can make some of your dreams come true.

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Amazing Things Happen When We Least Expect Them

Or you could say when we need them most.  Been a long time since I posted last.  Had a hard struggle with my emotions after losing the trial and had to take a break.  A break that turn into a long journey.  There have been some negatives that have happened in the past year and a half and some positives.  But today is about one of the miracles.

An interesting turn of events has brought a huge miracle into my life.  For those who have read the blog through you will remember the post I did about my mothers 3rd husband.  The one who raised me from when I was 3-10yrs old.  Well after some huge persuasions from my partner and from an unexpected friend I went on a search.  And found him.  To be honest I was petrified of contacting him.  I was raised being told that he didn't want us.  The story changing over the years as to why my mother left, her always the victim of course.  And usually me being the main reason why, not a good enough daughter, causing too many fights between them and so on.  None of which I believed fully though a part of me did think no one was capable of loving me or wanting me in their lives.

He has made it clear that he still considers me family.  Still considers me his daughter.  A man that has no biological connection to me.  A man who has no reason to have to have anything to do with me.  I feel very overwhelmed in some ways and very humble in others.  Family was something I thought I came to terms with that I would never have.  Always seemed like a distant dream.  Something I got to have for such a short period of time only to have it ripped away when I was so young and vunerable.  He has been married to a wonderful woman for a long time and they have several sons.  I have brothers now.  My kids, though they don't know it, now have uncles and grandparents who won't hurt them.  Who will just love them if they get the chance. 

After the life I have had for so long part of me is apprehensive of letting anyone in.  But this man I only have good memories of.  It was his kindness and patience that taught me how I wanted to be a parent. It was the memories of his interactions with me that got me through.  As a child when I was being so badly abused I did dream, as many abused kids do, that he would come and rescue me.  He never knew of what was going on.  I am sure, with no doubt at all, that if he did he would have tried to stop it. 

More memories of times with him have come flooding back.  One of a doll house he had made for me one Christmas.  I found it hidden in a closet before Christmas and played with it.  Yup naughty me.  lol  Another of the many times we built snow forts with my sister.  Big ones with several rooms.  How we would wet down the snow to make the walls more solid.  One thing he didn't know is unlike many girls I was not a fan of Barbies but I loved GI Joes.  Why?  Because I thought he was the ultimate GI Joe.  lol  Yes he was a military man.  So only home a few months of every year.  But when he wasn't and I played with my Joes he was always the leader.  lol  When I had my kids I knew I wanted to show the same patience he showed me.  The same love and understanding. 

Sadly he and his family live too far away for us to meet up any time soon but I hope some time in the future we can.  Till then we are catching up when time allows.  I am an adult now and not the small 10yr old girl that I was.  But part of me still feels like that lost little girl who always wanted her dad to come rescue her.  I don't need rescueing like that any more but I will always appreciate his advice and example.  This really is a small world.

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