Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I have to get it out

I tried this once before, only giving the address to a few people and then deleted it thinking that it was pointless and that it would change nothing.  The thing is it will change me.  I have to get it out.  People have to know what this woman has done to me, her step kids and now to my kids.  Maybe in doing that I can start to heal.  Maybe it will cause someone to read it that can offer the help my children need to save the.  I don't know.  Either way it will help.

I am the daughter of an abuser.  I have been physically, mentally and psychologically abused by this woman my entire life.  Up to the age of 32 when I finally succeeded at starting to close the door and firmly shut it at the age of 34.  Which is what I am now.  THe stories that will be added here are what I have suffered through or witnessed the stepkids suffering through or saw my kids suffer through.  I will not delete this one.  I will continue it as the truth needs to be gotten out.  The way I will write it will be in a manner where the inicident that is affecting me that day I will write about so it won't be in chronological order.  And for that I am sorry.

So here we go.  One of the really tramatizing events I suffered through when I was 19.  It was in January and my mother, her husband and her step kids lived out on a farm.  It was only 10 acres but it was a long distance from any neighbours.  I was also living there.  One the farm my mother was very fanatical.  She was most of her life, still is, but there it went to a huge extreme.  One of the rules was that all the girls had to wear skirts or dresses.  No pants.  So when I moved out there all my pants were thrown out.  I had been there for several months witnessing and suffering the abuse.  One night, in the late evening my mother got angry at me.  Why, I can't remember.  And on this rare occasion I fought back.  I screamed at her calling her a Bitch.  She screamed back one of her favorite phrases "The 10 commandments states you are to OBEY your mother and Your father."  I screamed back "Only in their rightchase decisions."  She hit me and shoved me across the room.  The kids were all in their rooms.  I shared a room with the youngest step kid.  She told me to pack the suitcase they had given me as my only gift for my 18th b-day.  I ran up to pack it.  When I came down she told me I was to leave.  I looked at her shocked and said Walk?  And she said get out.  It was at least -15 or more and the snow was blowing because we were having a blizzard.  It was up to my thieghs.  I got my ankle high boots on.  My one snow jacket that only went ot my waist and grabbed my suitcase and left out the door knowing I had no option.  She had done this so many times to me I lost count.

The cold hit me like a brick to the stomach.  It took my breath away and it was hard to breath and walk.  But I did.  I walked up the dirt concintrating on just each step at a time.  Praying that I would make it to the high way in hopes of someone picking me up to take me to town.  The problem was the farm was several miles from the highway.  I walked till my legs burned, lungs burned, cheeks burned all from the wind and cold.  I continued to walk till my legs got so numb and heavy that I kept stumbling.  After what seemed like hours, though I think I knew it was only about an hour, I could not go any further.  I laid my suitcase on the side of the road.  Opened it and took out half the stuff.  I then crawled in, curled up as tight as I could and tried to cover myself as best I could to try and be warm.  I even put my slippers on my hands and tried to cover my face from the wind with them.  I was shivering so hard that my body ached.  But the fear did not start till I stopped shaking.  I could not feel my body.  I was no longer cold.  I was no longer anything.  I could barely keep my eyes open and I knew all I had to do was close my eyes and go to sleep.  No one would notice or care. No one ever had.  I closed my eyes and let myself drift.  Telling myself that it would just be so easy to sleep.  The pain would stop.  All of it.

THat is when I saw a light coming at me through my lids.  I had to concintrate hard to open my eyes.  And when I did I saw my mother looking down at me from inside the van.  She stated "Get your ass in here right now."  Then roled up the window.  I tried hard to move but couldn't.  I had to slowly start with my fingers.  Blowing on them and moving them.  Then my hands.  All the while my mother would periodically role down her window and yell at me about how I was wasting her gas making her wait and to stop being lazy and get my ass up and in the van.  She offered no help.  Not once.  As my hands and arms got some movement I worked on rubbing my legs and feet to get the circulation going.  I know it took me a long time to move and get up.  I wondered the whole time why she would not get out and help.  But didn't question her.  When I finally got up I stumbled and fell several times before i got into the van.  WHen I did she lectured me the whole way back.  Telling me a should be thankful for her convincing her husband to let me back in the house.  And that I should be thanking her that she decided to come and look for me.  That this was all my fault.  I listened to how worthless I was and so on all the way back.  Her words were little concern to the burning my limbs and body was feeling as I slowly warmed up.  My shivering got so bad.  When we got back to the farm she told me to shut up and go to bed and she would deal with me in the morning. 

I went to bed with the thoughts in my head of how worthless I was and how I always caused so many problems for so many that maybe everyone would have been better off if she had left me there. 

This is one of my life experiences, like many many others that are burned into my brain.

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  1. Keep writing these, Nicole. Every word sends a light piercing through the most hidden corners of your being, where you have had to hide yourself for so long in order to save yourself. You're doing it. You are saving yourself.

  2. Oh my, watch a bitch. To not only send you out in the cold, but to feel NO remorse over it. Then the mental abuse involved. I shudder at the thought of it. You are brave, it took much more courage to live your life than it did to write this. Draw strength from that, you are MUCH stronger than you think.

  3. Keep going, I cannot believe what you have survived - you are an amazing, strong, courageous woman.

    Your kids and husband are blessed, and you are blessed by them.


  4. thank you for sharing your experiences with your masochistic mother. As a mother/grandmother who loves her children, I am heartsick at hearing the horrible abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother. My daughter-in-law suffered severe abuse from her parents and some family members and yet she cannot totally let go of them even tho she is now married to my son and has a 2 yr old daughter. She wants so much for them to love her but they never will, they continue to break her heart and I do not understand why she craves for them to love her and always trying to prove she is worthy of their love by providing them with food and running over to take care of them when they are ill. I try to show her the same love I give my own children but she seems locked into chasing after her miserable family's love, never gonna happen. Sad

  5. It is sad but I know many people who do the same thing!! All they want is acceptance from Blood relatives!! It is sad! I tell them that their "Family" is the one losing. Losing out on knowing them!!! People crave & want things even when they know deep down they will never get those things ♥ I will also never understand the adults that had a parents or parents that treated them so convincingly ROTTEN!! From beatings & starving them to raping or allowing them to be raped!! And these ADULTS bend over backwards to help & care for a parent or parents that treated them like dog shit on the bottom of their shoe!!! They seem to think they really feel LOVE for their parent/s and I think they are TRULY still BRAINWASHED thinking how they were raised is NORMAL!!! One of the worst things about it for me is that no matter how many times I tell her "you really would help yourself feel better if you confronted your mom and told her how your childhood was from your point of view and how much you were hurt by her, then ask her WHY!!! Why did you treat me so bad? Why did you keep me if you didn't want me? why would you let strangers in our home with us kids while you were gone? and HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A MOTHER????" But the excuse on why their mother cannot be confronted is because she is too old!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?? SHE DIDN'T CARE HOW OLD YOU WERE WHEN YOU WERE LEFT HOME ALONE WITH NO FOOD AND TO CARE FOR YOUR SIBLINGS WITH NO TELEPHONE & THE CLOSEST NEIGHBOR WAS MILES AWAY!!!!!

  6. Every thing she has said on her blog is the truth...I have known her since she was a little girl and I witnessed the abuse that was heaped upon her grandchildren, ESPECIALLY her grand daughter.....this monster turned to me one day and out of the blue said "you know my mother hated girls"...I just sat and looked at her speachless...I WANTED to say "so do YOU" but I didn't, because you see I was like a prisoner in her home and it is way too long and way too complex to explain that....but this EXCUSE OF A HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE LOCKED UP FOR A VERY LONG TIME....AND YOU CAN BET YOUR BOOTS I AM GOING TO DO MY PART TO SEE THAT IT HAPPENS!!!!!