Thursday, November 25, 2010

This Is Not Normal

At the end of December of 2008 my husband moved back in with me.  We ignored the no contact order and were just very careful.  I thought I could not survive with out him.  But the truth was I could die with him.  But I couldn't see it.  My landlord knowing I could not handle the costs of the house released me from our lease and I found a cheaper place to live.  Sadly it was not a good place to live.  It had all the rooms for the kids we needed and the price was right but the people who lived in the basement and beside us were not nice people.  If I even walked across the floor I would get yelled at from the downstairs tenant.  And the tenant beside us would not allow me to even turn on music or else she would be banging on the walls or calling the cops.  It was crazy.  I had started to visit the kids.  Just once a month and I would take the bus.  It would leave a 5am and not return till 8pm.  My visit were at the social services building and were only for 2 hours but they were worth it.  The rest of the time I had to sit at the bus station.  I was not permitted to be in my mothers house after I had informed the department of what had gone on.  I still talked to the kids almost every night though all the calls were on speaker phone.  My mother would not allow me to have a private conversation with my kids at all.  I asked the department to get her to allow it but they said she told them that I always had private conversations.  The department choose to believe her.

In early March my husband and I were caught again at a pet store.  He was arrested and when I stood before the judge I was again lucky to get a judge that understood.  He didn't sentence me to anything.  Just advised me to get help.  When my husband was released he told me he was going to his parents to fix the car.  He would call me in a few days.  Two days later I talked to the worker from the department and he told me over the phone that I was not making enough progress and that I was not going to get my kids back.  I got very depressed.  Then no word from my husband for 2 weeks.  On top of that I got a notice from the landlord telling me they had sold the building and I would have to move.  I replied back contesting that they had to give me at least 3 months notice.  So they sent me an eviction notice for 14 days stating that I was causing a disturbance to the other tenants.  The strain of everything started to get to me.  I had only a few weeks to find a place that would accept two GSD's that I could afford.  I had found a new home for my black one in December knowing there was no way I could afford all three if my husband took off again. 

Then the final straw.  I got three emails from my husband telling me he found the love of his life, wanted a divorce and that he was living with her.  I lost it.  I took every pill I had in the house.  I broke under all the strain and stress.  I do not recall what happened after that but I woke up in the hospital.  I had a breathing tube down my throat, an IV in my artery.  They told me I had crashed twice on the table.  My whole body ached.  They told me they had to admit me to the psych ward.  I asked the police to please call my husband to come take care of the dogs.  The last thing I wanted was them taken to the shelter and I had nobody else I knew to care for them.  When the officer called him my husband told him to take the dogs to the pound.  There was no way I could allow that.  I signed myself out of the hospital against doctors orders.  My throat was raw and killing me from the tube but when I got home I called another friend of mine that was 2 hours away.  He came down and helped me for the next two days.  Not leaving my side and trying his best to be a support.

I had just started a program at the women's shelter called Courage to Change.  I realized that I had to stop what was going on.  I had to take control of my life.  So I decided that if my ex contacted me again I would call the cops as I should.  He did.  And he was arrested and placed in jail for 2 weeks.  Which was right when I was moving so he would not know where I moved to.  It gave me some sense of relief.  Sadly I was unable to find a place that would take both dogs so had to take the pup to the shelter.  I felt like I lost half of myself when I did that.  It went against everything I believed in when it came to pets but even the shelter told me that it was cases like mine that the shelter was there for.  I moved into a small 1 bdr basement suite.  And was doing OK.  Still visiting my kids once a month, calling them every day or so.  Going to therapy, women's group, parenting classes.  I was starting to take care of myself.  Taking more pride in how I looked. 

Then for no reason at the beginning of May I crashed emotionally.  I just could not stop crying.  I felt worthless.  I was on 5 different meds at this time and was taking them perfectly as prescribe.  Then one day I just gave up.  I was thinking I failed my kids, failed my marriage, failed everything I did.  My mother and husband were right all along.  Everyone would be better off with me gone.  I took all the meds.  As they started to take effect though a small part of me knew this was wrong.  Something was seriously wrong.  There was no trigger for me to feel this way.  Nothing had happened to cause me to suddenly crash.  My life was actually starting to look up.  So I called help.  They took me to the hospital and pumped my stomach.  Then I was in psych for 2 days.  And then released.  I was taken off all the meds I was on. 

It was later discovered that 2 of the meds I was on had the side effects of suicidal thoughts and tendencies.  I had one really bad week of withdrawals.  After that I improved by leaps and bounds.  That last attempt in May was my last attempt.  The meds were actually the main catalyst to the suicide attempts.  So two major hurdles I had finally over come.  I was finally away from my husband permantly and I was becoming emotionally stable finally.

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