Keeping Secrets

This will be one of the hardest ones for me to write.  So please bare with me.

When I was 13 my mother had been divorced from her 3rd husband for 3yrs.  We lived in a city with so few Mormons that my sister and I were the only members of our church that were at our school.  I was not allowed to have any friends that were no members.  Our branch that we went to had only a few girls my age.  One of them was my best friend.  That summer I went to her place quite often to sleep over.  They lived on the outskirts of town so had very few close neighbours.  They had a pool and also a horse.  We had lots of fun together.  My friend also had an 18yr old brother.  And yes I did have a little school girl crush on him.  But I was shy around boys, let alone older ones and would barely look at him or speak when he was around.  The last time I stayed the night my friend and I went swimming in the pool.  The night was hot so we both decided to go to sleep in our bathing suits since they were damp and helped to keep us cool.  We both went to sleep.

I am not at the point yet where I am able to post the details of what I woke up to or what happened after but needless to say I was raped.  I was scared and confused and didn't know what to do.  That day his mother did notice that I was unusually with drawn and asked me what was wrong.  I only said I was not feeling well and wanted to go home.  I was taken home.  At home for the first couple of days I said nothing to my mother.  But she caught me crying about 3 days after it happened.  She demanded to know what was wrong.  So I told her.  She started yelling and screaming at me.  Telling me it was my fault and how would it look on her that her 13yr old daughter was already having sex.  She told me I was an embarrassment and that this was exactly what she had expected I would become.  She demanded to know how many times I had been with guys.  I told her never.  She laughed and said there was no way any one would believe that.  I was bawling at this point.  I was apologizing over and over to her for embarrassing her.  I asked her what I should do.  She told me I better pray I wasn't pregnant or else everyone would know what a slut I was.  She said I better keep my mouth shut because she didn't need the embarrassment.  She said she felt sorry for my friends brother.  Couldn't blame him for what happened since I have such a bad effect on people.  Then she left the room.  I curled up into a ball on my bed and just cried and cried till I fell asleep.

That Sunday I didn't want to go to church.  I was scared of seeing my friends brother.  Church is a 3 hour program.  And I couldn't face him.  I honestly felt I was at fault.  I told my mother I was feeling ill.  She saw right through me and told me that it was my problem that I had caused and that I better get ready for church.  When we got there I went and sat in the pew looking at the floor.  Not wanting to be noticed.  When my friend got there she asked me what was wrong.  No one was around so I just said your brother hurt me.  She asked if he touched me.  And I told her yes.  She then shocked me and told me that he had been doing that to her for years.  And that she had to keep the secret too or else her family would blame her.

For the next 2 yrs I had to see this man every Sunday.  If I looked at him he would make lued gestures or whisper comments in passing.  Sometimes I would go home after church and get physically ill.  I started having terrible nightmares that was like I was reliving it all over again.  Then another shock.  During dinner one night the phone started to ring.  My mother answered it.  Someone asked her if she knew my best friend.  My mother said yes.  Asked her if I was her daughter.  She said yes.  Asked her if my friends brother had ever raped me.  My mother asked why.  She was told that my best friend was pregnant and was accusing her brother of being the father.  My friend had also said that he had done the same to me.  My mother said that it never happened.  She said as soon as she realized I had a crush on this man and was acting promiscuous around him that my mother stopped allowing me to visit knowing I would try and do that.  So it never happened.  I just sat there looking at my plate. 

My mother hung up and looked at me.  She took my dinner away and said "See what you have done.  Now I will have to move just so that I don;t have people looking at me because of your bad behaviour.  Your destroy so many people.  I wish you had never been born."  I ran to my room sobbing.

After that any time I mention being raped she says it never happened.  She also will tell people she never knew and that she thinks it is just a story I make up because I have always been mentally unstable and violent.  It happened.  Whether she wants to admit it or not it did happen!!

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