Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lies and Abuse

This one is about my soon to be ex husband.  He started to be abusive to me within 6 months of our marriage.  Having been raised to believe that I was worthless and not worthy of being treated right or loved right I accepted it.  Plus with having lived it most of my life and also watching my mother get divorced and married so many times I was willing to do anything I could to try and make this work.

We had been married for about 2yrs and times were tight because my husband had been out of work for a couple of months.  He had started a job about 3 weeks previous.  While he was out of work we had been receiving Unemployment Benefits.  When he started his job he knew he was suppose to let the EI office know so they would stop sending assistance.  He didn't.  Without my knowledge he was still getting the checks and blowing them on smokes and gambling and I also now suspect drugs.  The way I found out is while he was at work one day the EI office called me to let me know he had missed a training class he was required to attend.  I asked them why he had to attend it when he already had a job and had it for a little under a month.  They were shocked.  They asked me when he started.  I gave them the date.  They did back calculations and told me that we owed them just over $900 for the money he had received since he started his job.  I was in shock.  I was pregnant with our second child, caring for our 6yr old daughter and the new job paid very little.  It was also, again not known to me, under the table type job.  Which is why he didn't tell them.  So he could receive both checks.  I was beyond angry.  We didn't have money to pay this $900 back.  Not if we wanted the utilities to stay on and food in the house. 

When he got home I confronted him.  I was made and demanding why he had lied to me and was stealing this money.  I told him he was defrauding the government and that was illegal.  He didn't care.  He told me the other job offered to pay him under the table when he asked if they could.  And he was sick of not having money of his own to do with what he wanted.  I told him that that is what family is all about.  That when times are tight they are tight for everyone.  He said it was his money and he could do with it what he wanted.  I told him it was the families money to pay for us to live first.  He grabbed my arm and shoved me across the room and into a wall.  He told me that he is the one with the job so everything is his and I should just shut up.  I by this point in our marriage I knew somewhat how violent he could get so I litter ally shut up.  I decided that if he wanted me to be quiet I would be just that.  And didn't speak to him for 2 days.  I still did all the cooking, cleaning, child care and anything else he wanted.  I just didn't speak to him.  I was overwhelmed with trying to figure out how we were going to pay for this money.  He was angry about the fact that I had blown his cover and caused him to lose the extra pay check.  I was also worried that if the EI department found out his job was under the table that we would be audited and out more money.  And 2yrs later we were.

On the 3 day of not speaking to him he had had enough of it.  I was in our small dining room and he rushed me shoving my back up to the table.  He said if you don't want to talk to me then I will shut you up permanently.  He wrapped his hands around my throat and started to squeeze.  I froze.  My mind froze.  I couldn't react.  When people act angry or violent I can't react.  My body litterally freezes.  I could feel my head feeling dizzy and heavy.  I started to see spots in front of my eyes.  My chest started to burn.  I felt my legs give out under me and that is the last thing I remembered till I woke up on the floor a few minutes later.

When I came too he was sitting on the couch watching TV.  He heard me move and looked over at me.  He told me that he was sorry that I made him do that.  He said I had to stop pressing his buttons.  That I knew he had no control over his temper and that I should be thankful he stopped.  He told me to hurry up and get supper made.  My neck hurt something fierce but I got it done.  When our daughter was in bed(she had been playing downstairs in her room when this happened) I told him I couldn't live like this but that I didn't want to break up our family.  I gave him two choices.  My neck was swollen and bruised.  I told him I would call the cops or he could call our Bishop.  He chose to call the Bishop.  When he came over he told my husband this behaviour was not acceptable and for him to seek help.   He advised counseling.  My husband acted properly contrite but as soon as the Bishop left he blew up yelling and screaming at me again and then took off.  I didn't see him again till he came home 3 days later.  By then I was panicked and ready to apologize to him.

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  1. Soon to be ex . . . can't be too soon!

    Roger pulled that crap on me, only he clocked me in the jaw so hard it took me off my feet and threw me back nearly three feet into the wall. He didn't expect me to get up and it scared him when I did! He said those exact words to me, "I'm sorry you made me do that." But then he told me he really enjoyed doing it.

    It's okay to pity these people, because they are truly pathetic, but it's only okay from a long distance and keep hold of the knowledge that they are only worthy of pity.

    Never forget that you are not alone.

  2. I am not trying to stick up for Dad but I just found out that he is suspected of having FAS which many natives have. I remember one day I came home and Dad was working on the van, I watched him as he stopped working and eyed me walking into the house. As soon as the door closed I heard sobbing coming from your room and I knew that he did something. I was proven right when I turned around and saw him standing in front of me. He grabbed me by the shirt collar and pulled me down stairs. He opened my door and threw me into my room. He then grabbed me by the hair and threw me against the wall as he had done thousands of times before and I knew that if I wanted to live then I had to obey his every word. He leaned close and told me that no matter what happened, I couldn't mention this to anybody. He knew that with my great marks in school meant that I had the ability to figure things out as they happened, he knew that I knew that he had done something to you. I agreed but I also asked him why he had done such an evil thing to my mom, my Mom. He replied, knowing that I would figure it out anyway, he told me that he had done what he had done because you were a threat to his very soul. I told him that I knew that what he had said wasn't the only reason and I questioned him further. He grabbed me again and threw me at the closet, he then yelled that he had done it because he could, he had hurt my Mother just because he considered her weak and being able to do this to her because he could. He stomped out and I climbed in bed and rubbed my head. He did not deserve to be my Mother's husband and my dad. I fell asleep with tears rolling down my cheeks.

  3. Ow , hugs. ny heart breaks for you. you are a strong young woman. I am in awe.