Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Pain Endure to Change a Life.

This is another one about my ex. 

During the spring of 07 things seemed to be going OK.  Money was tight but I found a way to ensure that my husband had the majority of his wants met.  It always meant doing without for me.  Instead of budgeting in much needed items that we necessities for myself I made sure to give him that money.  It meant more peace in the house.  He was supposedly attending school in a city 90 minutes away.  I later found out that a lot more was going on then attending school.  I was counting on him finishing this last year of welding so that he could be certified and we would no longer be living hand to mouth.  In the mean time to try and keep myself sane I had sent my dog to be bred.  I had always had a dream of breeding dogs and donating their pups to training facilities to be trained as assistance dogs for the disabled.  I was tired of waiting and always putting my dreams and goals off for his selfish wants.  I needed to do something that was a dream and goal for me.  Something that would help me to love myself.

I had saved the money for a long time to breed her to a very good stud from a well respected breeder.  I had hidden the money and suffered greatly for it.  My husband knew I had hidden it and any time he saw something he wanted he would go into a rage looking for the money.  He would destroy the house looking for it.  Tearing thing up, throwing things around.  When he couldn't find it he would then turn on me.  Throwing me into walls, kicking me, pulling hair, slapping my face, throwing items at me.  Grabbing limbs and squeezing to the point of me screaming in pain because it felt like the bones would break.  I never fought back.  I would often huddle in a ball on the bed or under my desk to try and get away from him.  Once he had worn himself out then he would go have a nap and demand something to eat.  Then I could breath until the next time.  He would sit there telling me over and over how cruel and controlling I was.  That it was his money and I had no right to keep it from him.  I kept silent.  It meant less pain.

I was pregnant with our third child through all of this.  Sometimes I would beg him to stop because he could hurt the baby.  He didn't care.  He wouldn't stop till he was worn out.  I was able to keep my resolve and was able to send my dog to be bred.  When she got back I gave my husband a project that would please him greatly.  He built the whelping pen on one side of our living room.  This kept his mind and body busy for a couple of days granting me and the family peace.  Once it was done any time he would start to show signs of anger I would purposely praise him for his hard work and how good a job he did.  This would calm him down sometimes. 

My pregnancy was not easy.  I had morning sickness almost the entire time.  Exhaustion was a constant during those 9 months.  But my husband was of no help.  He never lifted a finger around the house or with the kids.  That was women's work.  Once school was out though he found out he had failed and he had no job to go to.  Which meant he was around the house and angry a lot of the time.  I did all I could to stretch what little funds I had saved along with making sure that the dog had all the medical care, good food and so on.  When the puppies came it was like the whole house changed for a short period of time.  There was joy and wonder.  Excitement as well.  At least for the first 2-3 weeks when there was little work to do.  He helped at first.  Enjoying holding the puppies.  But soon the novelty wore off and the only help I got was for pictures or videos.  I was OK with that because the kids loved to help. 

As the puppies got more and more active and large I started to feel more and more physical strain.  But I had a lot of hopes riding on this litter.  All my life I had be brainwashed to believe that all I ever did was destroy lives.  Hurt people and never did any good for anyone.  This litter I saw as a chance for me to change how I felt about myself by helping someone else.  I worked hard with the pups.  Doing the Early Neurological Stimulation Program with them.  I then went on to training them so that when they went to their new homes it would be just a little bit easier on them.  I worked on a large binder of important information for the puppy adopters.  The adopters were excited and the trainer that was getting the donated pup was counting the days till he arrived.

When the pups were a couple of weeks old the adopters sent in their deposits.  I could breath a little easier I thought then.  I went and got all the supplies the adopters were going to receive with their puppies: crate, leash and collar, a week of food, and a few other fun things.  That used up about a quarter of the deposits.  I put the rest aside to get their shots/ microchips and so on with. 

When the puppies were big enough to get out of the whelping box I started putting them in the kitchen during the day when they were not outside.  The kids and I worked together that any time we went in there and saw a mess it was cleaned up.  We worked hard on socialization, getting them used to certain words and sounds and so on.  When it came time for their shots I went to the bank to get it out and found the money almost all gone.  I ran home and took some of my things to pawn to pay for the shots and the microchips and their wellness exam.  Where the money went I had no idea.  And the last thing I wanted was my husband getting into a rage while the puppies were in the house. 

A week after this I was carrying one of the puppies into the kitchen.  By this time they were about 15lbs each.  I felt something dribbling down my leg.  I looked down to see blood pooling on the floor.  I put the pup down and yelled for my husband.  I was in a total panic.  He looked at me and asked me what I had done this time.  I said I have no idea.  I was still 2 months from my due date.  We went to the hospital and they told me that either I stay in the hospital or I go on complete bed rest at home.  Either way I had to stop doing what I was doing or else I would lose the baby.  I was terrified of losing the baby but also overwhelmed by my responsibilities at home.  I knew there was no way my husband would pick up the slack.  He assured the doctor he would take good care of me and handle everything and took me home.  The minute we walked in the door he told me that in no way was he going to condone me being lazy.  Then he went off to play with his motorcycle.  Supper needed to be made and one of the puppies had gotten dirty and needed a bath.  I told him this.  He said then get it done.  So I got back to work.

A few days later the adopters came for their visits.  They all knew I was suppose to be on bed rest and not carrying around the puppies.  They had no idea though that I had no choice.  It was wonderful to finally meet all these people.  Seeing them interact with the families really showed me that my year long search for the right homes was well spent.  After all the visits I did the temperament test to determine which pup for what family.  Though one pup did pick his little boy and there was no way I could change that.  From the temperament test I figured out which one was the pup to donate to the trainer in the States.

The last couple of weeks was the hardest.  I struggled hard to make sure they got there training.  Yet by this point the only clothes I had that fit were my nightgowns.  My husband refused to buy me any clothes that would only be used for a few months.  I was embarrassed a lot to be seen in them in the backyard but I did what I had to to make sure the pups had what they needed.  I continued to spot here and there.  I tried to find easier ways of doing things so that it was not such a strain on my body but there was no way around a lot of it.  The rest of the money for the pups came in and my husband got very excited over that.  I had a feeling it would disappear but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

Finally the exciting day came for the pups to go to their new homes.  I was so happy to see them going to family where they would give so much love and joy.  And then the donated pup went off.  I prayed that all of the work and suffering would be worth it.  That he would grow up strong and healthy.  That he would learn quickly and would become an asset to someones life.  And guess what.  He did. He became exactly what I prayed he would become.  And assistance Dog.

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1 comment:

  1. Its good that you got all those pups to good homes and one even an assistance dog!