The Beginning of the End

After the arrest my husband did not change at all.  After 8 days of no contact he was allowed to return home by the courts.  He plead guilty to the charges and was put on probation and ordered to drug treatment and anger management.  I thought OK maybe he has hit his bottom and things will change.  Nope.  Wishful thinking.  A week into December our doctor friend called me up and said he needed to see both of us.  So I invited him over.  We all sat in the living room as he started to speak to us.  He told us that his parents had called him.  They owned a ranch just outside of our town and my husband had been hired there to work a couple of times for them when they knew we were going through really tough times.  He said they told him that my husband had been out there and caught stealing gas twice.  The first time they had not informed me and had had him work it off.  This time they wanted to let us both know.  I was so shocked.  There was no reason for him to steal gas.  He told us that my husband had stole over $160 worth of gas.  And that if he is ever caught on the property again then they are having him charged.  I was so upset.  I start crying and apologizing. I couldn't believe he would do with to someones family who had been kind enough to help us.

After he left I told my husband that he had to call and apologize or leave.  So he called.  He apologized and then handed me the phone.  The mother told me that she was not angry with me but that they could not allow my husband there any longer.  I agreed.  The next day while my husband was out looking for work I made up a care package of some of my baking, grabbed the little money I had saved from my husbands unemployment for Christmas ($160) and added it to the package with a note.  Then I had a friend of mine drop it off at the doctors home.  For presents that year we would be relying on Church's help and family because of this.

I was counting the days till he went to treatment.  By the middle of December I was so depressed that I knew I needed help.  I went to our family doctor who prescribed antidepressants.  Meaning I had to stop breast feeding our baby.  I felt so low.  This whole year was so up and down.  I was the only adult in the home ensuring everything stayed together.  I didn't know how much more I could handle.

Finally he left in January for the 18 day drug treatment program.  I was stressed beyond belief.  We had less then $40 to do the next 2 1/2 weeks.  I had just found out that he had gotten another credit card that he had maxed out.  I had no idea how I was going to pay that and take care of everything else.  And to add to that I felt like such a failure as a wife.  If I had just tried harder we would not have been in this position.  At least that was my thinking.  I was terrified that after treatment he would not come home.  How was I to care for our 3 children on my own?  I was so scared of destroying their lives as it seemed I did to everyone I was around.

When he left the first 3 days he called every night to say goodnight to the kids.  Then all of a sudden he stopped.  I waited 2 days and still no word.  I first son was wanting his dad so badly and was crying to talk to him.  So I started to leave messages.  Another 4 days past with no word.  Then suddenly he phones me telling me to send him money for the crafts he had done.  I was shocked.  He said I know you have my money so send it to me and my fly tieing stuff too.  I said OK.  The next day I sent the fly tieing stuff along with pictures of the kids.  I did not send the money.  I needed it for formula and groceries.  When he got the package the next day I got the nastiest call.  He yelled and screamed and threaten me over the phone to the point the I was shaking and so scared.  I hung up on him. The next day was a Friday.  He called up and acted like nothing had happened and asked if I was going to come visit him on Sunday.  I told him no.  There was no way I was going there if he was going to act like he did.

After that he called every day till he came home.  I thought that maybe there was a chance that this was changing him.  When he came home he seemed to be a different person.  I was.   I had lost over 25lbs because of stress and not eating.  My doctor had added a new medication to my others because I was still seriously depressed.  When he came in the door he apologized and begged forgiveness.  For the next week it was like he was a different person.  But it was short lived.  After that week the yelling and screaming started.  At one point he even kicked our daughter.  I called up LDS social Services to ask for help.  He was singling out our daughter for his aggression and I wanted to get her somewhere safe till we got it under control.  They offered no help.  When he found out I had called them he attacked me.  Telling me how worthless I was and that everyone would be better off with me dead.  I listened to this every day all day long.  Finally on the 13th of February I left with all the medication in the house.  I had every intention of taking it all.  I felt like the worlds worst mother, wife, daughter and person.  I hated myself with every part of my being and just knew in my heart that every one would be better off without me.

But one small part of me wanted to live and after a couple of hours, without taking any meds I walked to the hospital.  They called my mother and my husband.  My mother put on her usual act of caring about me and wanting to know what was wrong.  I ignored her.  When my husband got there he acted like he had been worried sick.  The doctor told him I could go home if he ensured that he got me some counseling and hid the medication.  My husband assured him he would do just that.  Then took me home.  The whole way he yelled and screamed at me at what a screw up I was.  I couldn't even kill myself right.  I had to make it as drawn out and difficult as possible on everyone.  I just sat there.  I was so numb.

When I got up the next morning he kept going on and on about how I should just die.  Finally at about 10pm he brought me all the medication and gave it to me.  He said now go do it the right way.  I looked at him shocked.  He said it would be better for everyone involved including me.  Tears slid down my face.  I went and put my boots on and coat and walked out the door.  I kept walking till I got to the edge of town and walked into a field.  I walked over to a large bush and sat down.  I sat there and thought about everyone in my life.  Then I started taking the meds.  To force them down I was eating snow.  I just wanted it done.  I just wanted peace.  I was sitting in snow and was starting to feel numb.  At times I thought I saw shapes, heard voices, movements.  Later I was told that a herd of deer had been only a few feet from me.

 I do not remember much of that evening but the morning was vivid.  I realized that I had been sick several times throughout the night.  I could not feel my lower half at all.  I saw cars going by and thought I better get home and make breakfast of my husband will be angry.  Strange thought I know but it was the main thing on my brain.  I could not walk.  Not even knell.  So I dragged myself over to the barb wire fence and tried to crawl over.  I ended up falling over it.  After that I just sat there.  Wondering what I was doing there and why I could not move my lower body.  Then I saw a police car pull up.  Fear instantly raced through me.  AS he walked up asking if I was me I begged him several times to not hurt me.  I was so scared that my bladder let go.  He kept saying over and over that he was not there to hurt me that he was there to help.  I was bawling and begging to not be hurt.  Within a few minutes and ambulance showed up.  They had to carry me to the ambulance through the snow.  One of the attendants said my legs felt like ice.  When we got to the hospital our doctors friend had been alerted that I had been found and knowing my fears he made sure he was the one there to attend to me. 

I did not realize then how serious things were.  They wrapped me in warmed blankets that felt like I was on fire.  Then hooked me up to warmed saline through several IVs to start to try and warm me up.  People were running everywhere.  My shivering got so bad that not only did they have the side rails up but it took three nurses holding me while two others put on body restraints to keep me in the bed.  I couldn't focus but I do know I apologized over and over for causing such a fuss.  They tested my feet many times to see if I had feeling.  It took hours before I felt anything.  My husband showed up looking so worried.  I asked him over and over if he loved me.  All I wanted was someone to love me.  He assured me he did.  I was so confused.  Then I heard him tell the cops that he was asleep when I left.  That he had no idea when I left the house.  Or even that i found the meds.  I was later told that he called the cops at 1am and that people had been looking for me since then.

The next day I was taken to the next city over and put into their psych ward.  I was there over night and then sent home after a doctor saw me for only 30 minutes telling me nothing was wrong and to go get my meds adjusted.  My doctor friend was shocked when he realized I was at home and very angry.  A week and a half later I was upstairs feeding the baby and heard my daughter scream.  I ran downstairs to find my husband holding her up by her hair.  Her feet were not touching the ground.  He was yelling at her.  I told him to stop and put her down.  He told me that he was sick of my weakness as a mother and it was time for some cowboy justice on her.  I yelled at him to redirect his anger.  He dropped her.  I told her to run and get the phone and call the police.  He ran out of the house.  I called up my doctors friends begging for help.  He told me to call the cops. 

I called the cops.  My husband was able to convince them it was medication that had caused his angry outburst.  And I had nothing left to disagree with him.  A few days later at about 10pm I went downstairs to get a load from the drier and found that our sewer had exploded.  There was over a foot of sewer water covering the whole downstairs.  I went to my daughter room that was down there and brought her upstairs.  My husband called my mothers husband to try and get the water stopped.  Once it was stopped we spent the rest of the night and the next few days dragging stuff from down stairs upstairs.  Trying to save as much as possible.  Over $10, 000 worth of damage was done. 

Then the call that changed my life.  A worker from social services called saying they got a complaint and wanted to see the house.  I looked around at the condition of the house.  Furniture was everywhere drying off, toys, movies, clothes,.  The downstairs was total furnished.  it had the playroom, my daughters bedroom, her bathroom, my husbands workroom, our food storage and the utility room.  AS much stuff as we could fit was upstairs.  When they showed up they had the police with them.  She told me that the kids could not stay here.  I looked at her.  Looked at my kids and knew I was about to lose everything that ever mattered to me.  And I had no fight to stop it.  My husband told her to take the kids to my mothers.  I just nodded.  I got the kids ready and cried as I handed my baby and son over to them.  I had now lost everything and it was my own damn fault.

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